sharlott Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 me and my boyfriend are living in a foreign country. I am at the point where I want to start a family, but my boyfriends condition is that he has to have a social network, good job and sufficient finances. He tells me that this does not work at the current country of residence. He also tells me that going to my homecountry would work only if I could grant him a good job and get him friends. The only option for him seems to be his homecountry. However, he is not ready to do the same things for me in his homecountry. I will have to find a job myself and start learning the language. He tells me that, it is a fair deal, because it is mostly me who wants to have a family anyways. I feel that he is not very interested in having a common future and a family if he is setting such conditions and puts responsibility on me for fulfilling these conditions for him. He has some problems in terms of function in routine jobs, so I understand why job is so important for him. However, even when I have suggested some jobs at my homecountry, he complains that the salary is too little and then he will not be able to visit his friends enough. When I am offering staying at the current country, he tells me that he needs to have an apartment- but he does not have any money currently and he wants to make a career in the area where being unemployed occasionally for 3-4 months a year is normal. He is not willing to give up his current career, unless we go to his homecountry. Even if we go to his homecountry and his is giving up his current career and finds a more stable job, he considers this a favor to me. I am so confused, because it seems to me like he has no interest in giving in much effort. It seems that he agrees to have a family with me only if I somehow manage to fulfill all his conditions. I feel somewhat alone in this and undervalued.
Philosoraptor Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I am so confused, because it seems to me like he has no interest in giving in much effort. It seems that he agrees to have a family with me only if I somehow manage to fulfill all his conditions. I feel somewhat alone in this and undervalued. You don't seem confused at all to me. You're reading his messages clear. He wants to have things his way and is not willing to negotiate on much. Seems like he has found a way to both keep you around, and not start a family. If these issues are important enough to you, you need to make a firm stand. There is no happy future with someone who lacks the ability to compromise.
BaileyB Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 (edited) He definitely wants to have it his way or not at all, and that's concerning. Look, there is nothing wrong with wanting to have a stable job and be financially stable before having a baby. It's also nice to have some social support - although I'm not sure what he means by "friends." Good on him for not wanting to bring a child into the world until you are prepared and able to support a family. My concern would be that your situation sounds more than a little complicated. He seems to want things his way and he has little concern for your wishes and little willingness to compromise. And, I don't like the fact that he expects you to compromise and/or fulfil his conditions. I don't like the fact that if he compromises, it would be "a favour to you." In a relationship, both partner need to compromise with a willing spirit. It should not be one partner doing all the work or the other doing it, "as a favour to you." And, a decision to have a baby should be a decision made by both partners, because they both want to start a family and they have the resources to support a family. Based on what you've written, I don't like his attitude. I don't think he treats you with much respect. He doesn't want to have a baby, certainly not now. I see conflict and complications in this relationship. To be honest, I'm not sure why you would want to have a baby with this guy... I would not be surprised if it didn't end well. Edited December 7, 2016 by BaileyB
Author sharlott Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Yes and I am wondering constantly if it only feels to me that he is selfish. He has adhd- so for him doing a job with routine tasks is very difficult. This part I get. However, when we discuss moving to my country of residence, which would be the best in terms of having a family, he tells me that he has to give up everything. That this would mean that he has to sacrifice a job, a social network and learn the new language. Somehow me moving to his country however would be OK since having a family is my idea. He tells me that when we move there, we can start having a family right away. I have lost all the faith in this. Furthermore, I am extremely frustrated that he considers having no job for 6 months something normal and feasable. Giving up this job and starting on something different, in his opinion, will be wasting his qualifications and all for the sake of the family. My idea is that even if you do not have a family, having a career where you plan on relying on unemployment benefits on a regular basis, is not really something where your qualifications are in fact honored. In fact, if he would be more successful in his career, he would not have these unemployment months. I am afraid that if I move to his homecountry, I will feel more and more that I have to plan everything in relation to kids, because I wanted them. I will also have to organize my stay, because me moving there is nothing extraordinary, but something which is a compromise. So I would have to be grateful that he agrees to have kids at all.
BaileyB Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 (edited) That ^^ is a recipe for resentment and disaster. I'm sorry, it's just too complicated. When I read your post, I see isolation (for one partner), resentment, and so much stress on the relationship. And then, you want to add the financial and emotional stress of a baby into an already difficult situation. No way! I don't know how a relationship could survive such stress. If both partners were committed to make the sacrifices required, you had the resources to make it work, and you were prepared to support each other in this journey, it may work. But, I don't see that kind of commitment in your post. I'm really sorry. How old are you both? Edited December 7, 2016 by BaileyB
Author sharlott Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 He is 37 and I am 29. I have some savings and I have also bought an apartment in my homecountry- I am paying the loan. Whereas I am not great with money, I think I am OK. I also think I could potentially support the child (I am planning a career change, but I think this will be OK). Anyways, I feel that I am ready to have kids, but when I think about his position- no savings, instable job, no real estate, it makes me a little bit sad. However, I am really scared that if breakup with him now, I might not find somebody suitable for family for a while.
BaileyB Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 You have some very valid concerns about your partner. A 37 year old man should definitely have a stable job, some savings, and some assets to bring into a relationship. All I can say is, don't have a baby with someone you have concerns about because you feel like this is your best opportunity... fearing that you may not find another partner for some time. Obviously it's your choice and you know your partner and the situation... I would just hate to see you five years from now living in another country... isolated and depressed, supporting a baby (or maybe more children), broke and unhappy and wishing that you would have listened to that little voice in your head and heart that said... "I don't know about this guy..." Best wishes to you.
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