Making Sense of an Ex's Behavior?

[Kristen996]

Hello all! My apologies that this is a little on the longer side, but I would love some opinions on the meaning of my ex's behavior.

 

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of about 4 months. I left him over an incident that I would prefer to not get into: basically he betrayed my trust in a big way, and I felt I wouldn't be able to trust him to the same extent afterwards. I know that this situation was not intentional on his part, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt hurt and betrayed, and ultimately felt very justified in my decision to end the relationship. His immediate reaction to the breakup was distraught, begging me not to leave him, etc. We had only about a week of pure NC following the breakup before I contacted him about possibly having a conversation for closure, which I realize in hindsight may not have been the smartest decision. We agreed to that, and had a long conversation about our relationship, the incident, where everything went wrong, etc. Over the course of this conversation, we mutually agreed to becoming friends, but I stressed that I wasn't sure I wanted to immediately move into a friendship so quickly and thought that it might be smarter for both of us to take a longer NC period first before trying a friendship. He ended up convincing me that we should become friends immediately. He said something to the effect of, that our friendship should develop organically, rather than forcing ourselves to take a specific period of time apart. Naively, and in the moment, I agreed to this, though I realize that this too was not a wise decision on my part.

 

Since then, over the past week and a half, he has been the one to initiate all contact with me, with one exception which was for a specific and important question that I had to ask him. He has messaged me nearly every day, and has been proposing activities for us to do together (our relationship was long distance, so we had been doing things like reading a book together and watching a TV show together over Skype before the breakup. He has still been proposing quite frequently that we watch another episode, or read another chapter over the phone, etc.). The other day, after about 48 hours of silence from him, he messaged me at night to check in after he had been in class most of the day and claimed to be going on almost no sleep, and ending the message with "We'll talk soon!". It almost felt like a hint of an apology for not being able to talk to me right then and there, despite the fact that he is a very recent ex and there is really no reason to act apologetic because of a couple of days of not talking.

 

Another component to this is that we met online, and very quickly after our "closure" conversation, I noticed that he had put his online dating profile back up. I noticed this because I, too, had re-activated my profile, with the intention only to browse to start getting over him. Within about 15 minutes of me re-activating it, however, I got a messaged from him on there with a little joke, I guess to break the ice of seeing each other on the website. But since then, he asked me how the online dating was going for me; I told him in very vague details of the one conversation I had had since re-activating it, and he then told me a short story about a girl who recently ended up disappearing on him after a couple messages.

 

I guess I'm just wondering what to make of his behavior? I'm not a fan of all this contact with him so soon, it's definitely not helping me get over him. I thought he might take a hint since I have only initiated contact once and only for something very important, while he has contacted me probably about a dozen times. He was always very emotionally needy and clingy in our relationship, and that is part of what led to the incident that caused our breakup. But I'm not sure if there is more to his behavior now than just that. I'm going to tell him in the next few days, if this continues, that we really need to cut down on the communication for a little while until the breakup is less fresh. But I was hoping to get some insight into why he is behaving this way. All the communication, the book and TV show, probing me about how the online dating is going for me... Do these sound like hints that he's still interested and is trying to eventually win me back? Or possibly just that he is having difficulties adjusting to the boundaries of having a friendship with me as opposed to a romantic relationship?

 

For what it's worth, I know that I have made some mistakes throughout this situation myself. For some backstory, my ex and I are both on the younger side, and this was both of our first relationships. I know that reaching out for closure so soon, allowing myself to be talked into beginning our friendship immediately, and not addressing the problem of so much communication right when it became an issue were all mistakes on my part. Although my ex clearly hasn't helped with this, I recognize that I haven't done much yet either to define the new boundaries for our friendship, which I plan on doing now. But before I have that conversation with him, I would love some more opinions on why he is acting the way that he is.

 

Thanks in advance!

[basil67]

I'm not seeing any 'behaviour' on his part. Just a guy who said he wanted to be friends and is trying to keep up that end of the bargain.

 

That said, I agree it's a mistake to stay friends with an ex. Perhaps after you've both well and truly healed it may work...but probably not. Besides, neither of your new partners (when you find them) will be happy to find out that you're still friends.

[Kristen996]

Thanks for your feedback! After reading your comment, I just reread what I wrote, and I agree that it is probably just that we have different expectations of what a "friendship" would look like at this point. For me, the daily communication is beyond excessive, especially given that our breakup happened so recently, and I did have to question his motives a little. It's making it almost impossible to get over him when he is constantly messaging me and asking if I want to do something; however, given the fact that I do know he can be a little clingy from how he acted in our relationship, this is probably not atypical for him.

 

I also agree with you that I'm not completely sure yet that a friendship is a wise move, regardless. I definitely need to reevaluate that. What's appealing about it is that most of our issues as a couple, and those that ultimately led to the cause of our breakup, were factors of the romantic aspects of our relationship. However, in the form that our friendship is taking now, I certainly wouldn't say that being friends is a healthy decision either, and you make a good point about what will happen down the road when we find new partners.

 

Thank you for the response!

[basil67]

You're welcome.

 

There are so many different types of friendship. I think of my friendship with my female BFFf: We talk about once a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. We are really flexible with each other and understand that we're not #1 priority in each other's lives.

 

Then I've got the layer of friends who I talk with once or twice every quarter. This is probably what you're thinking of with this guy. But your guy is still wanting the kind of close contact reserved for a lover or crush. It's too much for you to sustain.

[jorgeg3d]

Seems to me he has hopes of getting back with you. Thus why he's constantly talking to you. Do yourself and him a favor, if you have no intention of getting back with him, don't keep him on a leash. As its not fair to him, and he will cling on to the hopes for a long time and in the process he will never really heal from your breakup.

Edited December 7, 2016 by jorgeg3d

[Survivor12]

Of course he's still interested. It was your choice to break up, not his.

 

He continues to contact you because you allow it. If you don't want to be friends, tell him. He isn't a mind reader, and it's not fair to expect him to pick up on you "hints".

 

Please stop leading him on. You don't want a relationship with him and if his "betrayal" was bad enough to be the cause of your breakup, why would you want to maintain any kind of a relationship?

 

Be honest with yourself about the real reason for your breakup & your feelings for him. Was his "betrayal" truly the reason or an excuse? Why have you not told him that you don't want a friendship? What DO you want? Have you forgiven him? Is there any chance that you would consider having a relationship with him in the future? Instead of concerning yourself with why he is behaving as he is, focus on your own behavior.

 

If you know what you want (and don't want) don't be afraid to set boundaries & stick to them.

 

Good luck!

[Kristen996]

Thank you both for the feedback.

 

It's not that I don't want to at least try being friends with him, but I think it's more of what basil67 has said. I really don't find the amount of communication that we've had since that conversation to be appropriate, given how things have progressed, and that maybe talking a couple times per month would be better for both of us.

 

In response to your questions, Survivor12, his betrayal was definitely the reason for the breakup, although it was part of some larger underlying problems that we had been having. Although I don't feel comfortable discussing the exact nature of the situation here, I know that on my end, I would not have been able to rebuild my trust in him to the extent that I would want or need to continue a romantic relationship with him. I have forgiven him, but at this time, I have no interest in rekindling a romantic relationship with him. Of course it's possible that several years in the future, if we do stay in contact, we may decide to try again, but that isn't something that I'm considering right now. Right now, my goal is just to heal and move on and if something changes in the future then so be it, but it's definitely not my intention to leave the door open for that when it's not an immediate possibility for me.

 

That said, I think you're both correct that my own behavior has just been escalating this situation by not addressing the issue of so much communication right away. The last thing I want to do is make this harder on him to heal and move on (and on myself, for that matter, as I know that I do still have some residual feelings for him that I can't heal from when we're still talking everyday). My initial post here was because I planned on doing exactly that and having a conversation with him in hopes of setting some more reasonable boundaries, but I was just hoping for some insight on what he might be thinking / feeling first, which I really appreciate all of your help with!