GoldenR Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I didn't want to threadjack, so I decided to start a new thread. I see very often on here, when a BS posts that they've caught their WS cheating, they get advised to tell the WS to move out. But when a WS posts here, they get told to not move out, or to move back in if they've already moved out. Very contradictory...
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I didn't want to threadjack, so I decided to start a new thread. I see very often on here, when a BS posts that they've caught their WS cheating, they get advised to tell the WS to move out. But when a WS posts here, they get told to not move out, or to move back in if they've already moved out. Very contradictory... In my state they say to never leave your home. Once you leave, the spouse who stays can go to an attorney and you are barred from coming back. It's a legal mess. That said, I did want to leave (I was the WS at first, then caught him) but everyone told me not to. My H did not want me to leave, so I didn't. It is very hard to live together after an A. I know people living together during the divorce proceedings. It is a nightmare.
carhill Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 IMO, it depends upon circumstances. Every marriage or partnership is unique. In our case, technically the BS 'moved out' but it was to occupy the WS's family's home since it was closer to her work. The home was empty so it worked out. I stayed at the country house while we worked on stuff. Typically though, in my generation anyway, a guy who has an affair and gets discovered usually gets his clothes in a flaming pile on the lawn with an 'get the heck outta here' message' and he goes to stay at a friend's place. MW's I've known will take the kids and go to a family member's house. IME, most of the time, it's the WS who 'moves out'. YMMV> 1
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Yes. The one who cheated should suffer consequences. They should also foot the expenses on their own. Also they should be forced to tell people why they moved. It forces exposure and it's useful to see if they own their actions or if they try to continue making excuses and cover up. But that is the thing, when you are married, you can't foot the expenses on your own typically. Any money you spend is money taken away from household expenses, or sometimes there is literally no money to run a second household. In my situation my husband did not have a job, plus he had to be at home for the kids, they were little. It gets complicated.
Got it Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Depends on what is desired by either party, the laws of specific country or state, etc. I moved out but it was not from a dday or anything and I was already planning to divorce, so giving up the residency was fine.
WilyWill Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I think there are a lot of people here giving different advice. But I don't think you'll find a person that contradicts himself/herself. BS's tend to support BS's, and WS's tend to support WS's. But it seems sensible to me that the person who has wronged the other party (the WS) should be the one to suffer the consequences. If you've decided to have two spouses, after all, why not live with the other one for a while. The BS only has one place to live.
cocorico Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I think there are a lot of people here giving different advice. But I don't think you'll find a person that contradicts himself/herself. BS's tend to support BS's, and WS's tend to support WS's. But it seems sensible to me that the person who has wronged the other party (the WS) should be the one to suffer the consequences. If you've decided to have two spouses, after all, why not live with the other one for a while. The BS only has one place to live. Sometimes the WS is the one who has least "wronged the other party", and the infidelity is a relatively minor transgression following decades of abuse, neglect, etc.
minimariah Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Typically though, in my generation anyway, a guy who has an affair and gets discovered usually gets his clothes in a flaming pile on the lawn with an 'get the heck outta here' message' and he goes to stay at a friend's place. MW's I've known will take the kids and go to a family member's house. in other words, women are calling the shots! OP - advice depends on one's intentions and legal repercussions. if a WS wants to make things work, they're usually advised to stay in their home. with a BS, most folks cheer for the "kick the a**hole out!!!" scenario so it's the advice they'll most likely get. it's not in contradiction because it's directed at two people in different positions FROM different people... meaning, a fWS or a fBW won't give the same point of view or advice.
eye of the storm Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I think it depends on the situation. I was the BS. I moved with the kids. I knew I couldn't afford the marital home. I didn't want him sticking me with it. Plus he had has sex with her in every room so to me it was tainted anyway. I moved to a place I could afford. Which turned out to be a good thing because child support was spotty at best but was normally none existent. My lawyer told me to stay. But I just wanted out. Normally, though I would tell people to listen to their lawyer, their reasons are not clouded by emotion. 1
WilyWill Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Sometimes the WS is the one who has least "wronged the other party", and the infidelity is a relatively minor transgression following decades of abuse, neglect, etc. That's usually not the case. But there's always a way to rationalize things to make oneself feel less guilty. If someone is abusing or neglecting you for decades, it's time to separate, not sleep around. 6
Arieswoman Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 (edited) From my experience; In UK if the BS wants to petition for divorce using adultery they must do so within 6 months of the adultery being discovered. If they wait longer than that then the court will deem that the adultery has been forgiven and that they don't have a case. When I divorced my WS for adultery my (pit bull ) solicitor wrote to him a week later and told him that I found it intolerable to live with him after he had committed adultery (which was true) and that he should move out. He moved out after a month. I got the divorce after 5 months. Possibly I could have got it sooner if he had responded to the solicitors' letters sooner. Fortunately I was able to maintain the matrimonial home on my own (as I earned more than he did) but I realise that there are so many wronged women who are not so fortunate. Edited December 7, 2016 by Arieswoman
aileD Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 But that is the thing, when you are married, you can't foot the expenses on your own typically. Any money you spend is money taken away from household expenses, or sometimes there is literally no money to run a second household. In my situation my husband did not have a job, plus he had to be at home for the kids, they were little. It gets complicated. My husband lived in his car . Didn't spend a cent of our money other then the $120 a month we usually put on a separate debit card for his gas. Doesn't matter where they go, they need to go. As a betrayed spouse that lived a majority of time with my H while I was trying to reconcile it he was still seeing OW ...I say---make the WS move out if they're still in contact with the AP. It makes it too hard otherwise and draws things out. It's fulll cake eating mode. Once my h was out and living in his car with the OW, it didn't take him long to find clarity after two years of push and pull and back and forth. It's a wake up call to what reality is. If the affair is over and NC has been proven then don't see any reason they should move out, if they are reconciling...maybe separate rooms? But your question is hard to answer because legally...all lawyers will tell you NOT to vacate the home because legally it's harder to get back in if things get really bad. But outside of legal. I don't think the BS should ever have to leave because it's not them that ruined their world. The WS needs to go till AP is gone and reconciliation has been decided on and you now what? The harder the situation the better. Let them all live in their cars.
BTDT2012 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Sometimes the WS is the one who has least "wronged the other party", and the infidelity is a relatively minor transgression following decades of abuse, neglect, etc. Infidelity is never a minor transgression IMHO. 4
Arieswoman Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 BDTD2012 Infidelity is never a minor transgression IMHO. Agree 100% Adultery destroys the very heart of a relationship see Divorce Minister - Taking Adultery Seriously 1
wmacbride Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Sometimes the WS is the one who has least "wronged the other party", and the infidelity is a relatively minor transgression following decades of abuse, neglect, etc. Then they had decades to address that issue by asking their husband or wife to leave , and they chose not to.
wmacbride Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 If the ws is to leave, is it possible to have a legal agreement between the ws and bs that outlines what will happen to the home? Not really a separation agreement, but one that covers both spouses should things get nasty.
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 If the ws is to leave, is it possible to have a legal agreement between the ws and bs that outlines what will happen to the home? Not really a separation agreement, but one that covers both spouses should things get nasty. It tends to be more about the kids. It is seen as abandonment of your kids in a lot of states.
wmacbride Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 It tends to be more about the kids. It is seen as abandonment of your kids in a lot of states. Ah, I see. It could be such a difficult and tense situation for all involved.
road Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 It is about all things legal. This is why people are told to see a lawyer. For there are some many ways the BS or the WS can get screwed over during a divorce and if there is a chance to recover being separated does not help.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Guy who cheats on wife >> guy moves out. Guy finds wife cheating >> guy moves out. Guy finds wife cheating and has kids at home >> guy moves out but returns to see kids periodically. Guess I grew up in a household where the guys left the women they loved, wronged or not, with their belongings.
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