I made a move on him, but was it too much?

[TuesGirl]

Ahhhh it's been many years since I've posted on here fellow Loveshackers, but I am in need of some advice from the masses!

 

4-5 years ago I went on a couple of dates with M after meeting him online. I remember the dates were fun and that I thought he was cute. After the second date, I received a side-hug goodbye and just kind of thought, "well, guess he's not into me"and left it at that.

 

Fast forward to about 18 months ago and I find out M is friends with my guy friend's new girlfriend, C. At the time I was in a relationship and when we crossed paths, I was polite and nice, but didn't want him to feel awkward, so never said anything about our past.

 

6 months after that, I am single (so about 11 months ago). I run into him again, but I'm super newly single and not interested in anyone at that point in time.

 

Then last summer, about 6 months ago, he pops up on my facebook friend suggestions (since we now have mutual friends). I am in a much better place, starting to date, etc and thought, "what the hell" so I friended him. He accepted and I wrote a little note just saying I hope it wasn't awkward but that we both now have friends in common and our common hobbies (we're both big skiers). He got back to me and said it wasn't awkward at all and made a little joke at the expense of our friends that was cute/funny.

 

Then I decide to I need to confess to C about our past "relationship". When I tell her about it and tell her I am interested in him, her eyes light up. She is very excited about this idea and thinks we would be a great match. She says, "he's very very very very shy when it comes to girls though, and overwhelmed. I think he's been really hurt in the past, but I don't know details. He's an awesome guy though. He's best friends with my BIL, which is how I know him." About a month later, conversation comes up at a BBQ situation and BIL and C's sister are there. They are on board, but also agree that it has to be an "accidental" meeting and they tell me, if ANYTHING is going to happen, the onus will have to be on me. That I will have to take the lead, that he never will. Ok. So I mentally prepare for that day...

 

That day happened on Saturday night at a holiday party. I was messaged about an hour beforehand from sister saying that M would be coming with them. They arrive. He's looking cute. Everyone proceeds to have a good time with more than enough alcohol. Party starts to wind down. It's now just host, BIL, sister, M and I. Host, BIL and sister disappear for a moment into the wine cellar to grab another bottle,leaving M and I alone in the kitchen. And I just went for it. I just leaned in and said, "I've been wanting to do this for a long time" and kissed him (BTW I was scared as ****). He didn't push me away. He was a little confused/caught off guard but he didn't push me away. I immediately, said, "I'm sorry, that was probably too much". He said, "no, I just..." and then the rest of the people came back.

 

We all proceeded to go outside and hang by the fire. Everyone was having a good time being silly, chatting etc. I just kind of thought, "well, at least I tried, not sure he was into it, but whatever." At some point, I realized I needed to get home so I told everyone I was leaving. Went around and hugged everyone goodbye then went inside to gather up the food I had brought. I was fiddling around in the kitchen for some time and then walked out the front door.

 

I get to the bottom of the porch steps and I hear, "Wait. I am supposed to walk you out." I immediately protest, "saying, no, it's ok, you don't need to. I didn't mean to make things weird in there." He said, "its not that..." and (things get a little fuzzy here) but we ended up kissing again. I told him, that I had been wanting to do that for awhile and that I liked him after our dates but didn't think he was into me. He was sad that, that was what I thought back then, and mad at himself for the side-hug. I told him he was a really good kisser and that I wanted to hang out with him sometime. He kind of gave me a spiel about how he wasn't good enough for me (and he is more than good enough. He is everything on my "list"). He said, "All my friends ever say is how awesome of a skier you are, and how awesome that you own [a business] and...you can have anyone you want." I just said, "I am just a girl and I just happen to like a boy. It's simple. It doesn't matter that I own [said business]. It's just a job". Then we kissed again and my ride came.

 

I immediately texted him when I got home just saying, "I'm just a girl, really Let's go make some turns sometime. I liked the way that you kissed me"

 

And I have heard nothing. I have not asked any of my mutual friends for advice. The only thing I shared with them was how scared I was to make the first move and how I thought he was a good kisser. I do not think they would share that info with them, but even so, I can't imagine it's that damaging.

 

So, I am ok with accepting that maybe the crush is one-sided. If that was so, I do kind of wish he wouldn't have walked me out the door. I wish he would've just left our encounter in the kitchen, bc then it would be easier to ascertain his feelings. The fact that he walked me out makes me feel like he may have feelings? I know we will cross paths again. Trying to figure out if I should send him a quick text, "hey, I didn't mean to make things weird the other night and realize I was a bit overwhelming. I did/do have a little crush on you and have regretted not acting on similar situations in my past. So I did. Even though I was scared to death. At any rate, I understand/respect that it's one-sided and want you to know when wecross paths again it won't be awkward at all. Promise."

 

Soooo, your thoughts on any/all of this?? What should I do? We're both successful professionals in our late 30s, never married, no kids.

[Redhead14]

Ahhhh it's been many years since I've posted on here fellow Loveshackers, but I am in need of some advice from the masses!

 

4-5 years ago I went on a couple of dates with M after meeting him online. I remember the dates were fun and that I thought he was cute. After the second date, I received a side-hug goodbye and just kind of thought, "well, guess he's not into me"and left it at that.

 

Fast forward to about 18 months ago and I find out M is friends with my guy friend's new girlfriend, C. At the time I was in a relationship and when we crossed paths, I was polite and nice, but didn't want him to feel awkward, so never said anything about our past.

 

6 months after that, I am single (so about 11 months ago). I run into him again, but I'm super newly single and not interested in anyone at that point in time.

 

Then last summer, about 6 months ago, he pops up on my facebook friend suggestions (since we now have mutual friends). I am in a much better place, starting to date, etc and thought, "what the hell" so I friended him. He accepted and I wrote a little note just saying I hope it wasn't awkward but that we both now have friends in common and our common hobbies (we're both big skiers). He got back to me and said it wasn't awkward at all and made a little joke at the expense of our friends that was cute/funny.

 

Then I decide to I need to confess to C about our past "relationship". When I tell her about it and tell her I am interested in him, her eyes light up. She is very excited about this idea and thinks we would be a great match. She says, "he's very very very very shy when it comes to girls though, and overwhelmed. I think he's been really hurt in the past, but I don't know details. He's an awesome guy though. He's best friends with my BIL, which is how I know him." About a month later, conversation comes up at a BBQ situation and BIL and C's sister are there. They are on board, but also agree that it has to be an "accidental" meeting and they tell me, if ANYTHING is going to happen, the onus will have to be on me. That I will have to take the lead, that he never will. Ok. So I mentally prepare for that day...

 

That day happened on Saturday night at a holiday party. I was messaged about an hour beforehand from sister saying that M would be coming with them. They arrive. He's looking cute. Everyone proceeds to have a good time with more than enough alcohol. Party starts to wind down. It's now just host, BIL, sister, M and I. Host, BIL and sister disappear for a moment into the wine cellar to grab another bottle,leaving M and I alone in the kitchen. And I just went for it. I just leaned in and said, "I've been wanting to do this for a long time" and kissed him (BTW I was scared as ****). He didn't push me away. He was a little confused/caught off guard but he didn't push me away. I immediately, said, "I'm sorry, that was probably too much". He said, "no, I just..." and then the rest of the people came back.

 

We all proceeded to go outside and hang by the fire. Everyone was having a good time being silly, chatting etc. I just kind of thought, "well, at least I tried, not sure he was into it, but whatever." At some point, I realized I needed to get home so I told everyone I was leaving. Went around and hugged everyone goodbye then went inside to gather up the food I had brought. I was fiddling around in the kitchen for some time and then walked out the front door.

 

I get to the bottom of the porch steps and I hear, "Wait. I am supposed to walk you out." I immediately protest, "saying, no, it's ok, you don't need to. I didn't mean to make things weird in there." He said, "its not that..." and (things get a little fuzzy here) but we ended up kissing again. I told him, that I had been wanting to do that for awhile and that I liked him after our dates but didn't think he was into me. He was sad that, that was what I thought back then, and mad at himself for the side-hug. I told him he was a really good kisser and that I wanted to hang out with him sometime. He kind of gave me a spiel about how he wasn't good enough for me (and he is more than good enough. He is everything on my "list"). He said, "All my friends ever say is how awesome of a skier you are, and how awesome that you own [a business] and...you can have anyone you want." I just said, "I am just a girl and I just happen to like a boy. It's simple. It doesn't matter that I own [said business]. It's just a job". Then we kissed again and my ride came.

 

I immediately texted him when I got home just saying, "I'm just a girl, really Let's go make some turns sometime. I liked the way that you kissed me"

 

And I have heard nothing. I have not asked any of my mutual friends for advice. The only thing I shared with them was how scared I was to make the first move and how I thought he was a good kisser. I do not think they would share that info with them, but even so, I can't imagine it's that damaging.

 

So, I am ok with accepting that maybe the crush is one-sided. If that was so, I do kind of wish he wouldn't have walked me out the door. I wish he would've just left our encounter in the kitchen, bc then it would be easier to ascertain his feelings. The fact that he walked me out makes me feel like he may have feelings? I know we will cross paths again. Trying to figure out if I should send him a quick text, "hey, I didn't mean to make things weird the other night and realize I was a bit overwhelming. I did/do have a little crush on you and have regretted not acting on similar situations in my past. So I did. Even though I was scared to death. At any rate, I understand/respect that it's one-sided and want you to know when wecross paths again it won't be awkward at all. Promise."

 

Soooo, your thoughts on any/all of this?? What should I do? We're both successful professionals in our late 30s, never married, no kids.

 

You told him what was on your mind. Leave it at that. If he decides to pursue, great. Don't send any more messages. If you're feeling like the last message might have been a mistake, don't add to it or try to un-ring that bell. The message is out there.

[winny]

He kind of gave me a spiel about how he wasn't good enough for me (and he is more than good enough.

 

^^^^ When a guy tells you this line .. you LISTEN...!!

 

Stop chasing him... DO NOT send him that text you are planning to.

 

The next time you meet, act as though nothing happened ever...!!! DO NOT kiss him, do not let him kiss you or sleep with you, unless (very remote chance of this though) he changes the above statement first and steps up his game to be good enough for you.

[TuesGirl]

Winny,

 

99% of the time I whole-heartedly agree, but I know my friends have been playing me up to be something great, and I think they may have made me larger than life and intimidating. I am really proud of my accomplishments, don't get me wrong, but I also am not defined by them.

 

I know he's really shy and I know enough about him to know that he is the only thing getting in the way of himself. That being said, I will hold off on the text. My only impetus was that I wanted him to NOT avoid future social situations just because he didn't know how I would act. These actions are very out-of-character for me

[CommittedToThis]

Since everyone's told you he's really shy and that you need to make all the moves, you're in the driver's seat. You're the Man now.

 

Text or better yet call him and say, "Hey, just saying hi, I texted you after we kissed the other night but never heard back, I'd love to see you again. What are you doing Thursday morning?"

 

(Thursday mornings are when I imagine pro skiers hitting the slopes.)

 

He definitely likes you, and liked your first kiss, otherwise he wouldn't have cared you were leaving and asked to walk you out (not to mention kissing you again).

 

It sounds like you'll need to be comfortable taking charge of all of the usually male-instigated dating moves. Everyone's told you this guy isn't going to do anything on his own.

 

You cool with that?

[winny]

Winny,

 

99% of the time I whole-heartedly agree, but I know my friends have been playing me up to be something great, and I think they may have made me larger than life and intimidating. I am really proud of my accomplishments, don't get me wrong, but I also am not defined by them.

 

I know he's really shy and I know enough about him to know that he is the only thing getting in the way of himself. That being said, I will hold off on the text. My only impetus was that I wanted him to NOT avoid future social situations just because he didn't know how I would act. These actions are very out-of-character for me

 

One question, what happened after that second date? Did he just ghost on you or he told you he isn't interested in pursuing?

 

Let's assume for a moment that he is indeed intimidated by you --- Do you really think this guy is good for you, when he is forming opinion about you by listening to others?

Keep friends out of this... and don't assume that his answers have something to do with what your friends said or not. He has his own brain to understand things and not get swayed/influenced by others. Such a person has no personality of his own. A man should be flattered to be with a woman not intimidated by her, if he is into you. And once again, he is NOT intimidated by you. He is only using that as an excuse to not date you... but since he kissed you for a second time... I am pretty sure he would sleep with you if you let him... what kind of guy is this? Why would he kiss a woman when he is not sure about his feelings?

[BDJ_1]

Maybe he's gay.

[TuesGirl]

Since everyone's told you he's really shy and that you need to make all the moves, you're in the driver's seat. You're the Man now.

 

Text or better yet call him and say, "Hey, just saying hi, I texted you after we kissed the other night but never heard back, I'd love to see you again. What are you doing Thursday morning?"

 

(Thursday mornings are when I imagine pro skiers hitting the slopes.)

 

He definitely likes you, and liked your first kiss, otherwise he wouldn't have cared you were leaving and asked to walk you out (not to mention kissing you again).

 

It sounds like you'll need to be comfortable taking charge of all of the usually male-instigated dating moves. Everyone's told you this guy isn't going to do anything on his own.

 

You cool with that?

 

I'm kind of ok with it. Just want to know if he's actually interested. I'm not going to lie...there was a fair amount of alcohol consumed that evening. By everyone. But my gut says the same thing...that he wouldn't have walked me out if he was put-off by what happened in the kitchen.

[winny]

It sounds like you'll need to be comfortable taking charge of all of the usually male-instigated dating moves. Everyone's told you this guy isn't going to do anything on his own.

 

You cool with that?

 

Oh great point.... !!!

If in the remote chance he dates you... he is going to make you do everything.

[GunslingerRoland]

I'm not sure if you can successfully date someone who seems that unsure of them self. I'm a shy guy, and I can see admitting that you think the person you are seeing seems out of your league, but he seems downright scared of girls.

[winny]

I'm kind of ok with it. Just want to know if he's actually interested. I'm not going to lie...there was a fair amount of alcohol consumed that evening. By everyone. But my gut says the same thing...that he wouldn't have walked me out if he was put-off by what happened in the kitchen.

 

Why would he be put off by a woman kissing him???

But if he wasn't sure, he shouldn't have kissed you again - that was selfish and player type and manipulative due to the statement he made about being not good enough for you. And instead of backing up at that point you went into the mode of trying to convince him how he is good enough for you.... you dont even know that yet!!!

[olivetree]

I'm kind of ok with it. Just want to know if he's actually interested. I'm not going to lie...there was a fair amount of alcohol consumed that evening. By everyone. But my gut says the same thing...that he wouldn't have walked me out if he was put-off by what happened in the kitchen.

 

He might not be off-put by you and down for a make-out sesh (while drunk as well) but he's not that interested either.

 

Forget what your friends are saying. Friends always want to tell you the rose-coloured version of things and they also have their own motivations for the two of you hooking up... like group dates and all that crap.

 

Also forget what he is saying about you being too good for him. That is an excuse for not enough interest. And if he really does think that (which he doesn't) he has no confidence and this does not mix will with relationships.

 

His actions are showing you his level of interest. He did not pursue you 5 years ago and he is not even responding to you now. It really doesn't matter why.

 

Let him go and if he starts to put effort in THEN he is worth your time. A shy guy will pursue a girl he really wants.

[TuesGirl]

One question, what happened after that second date? Did he just ghost on you or he told you he isn't interested in pursuing?

 

Let's assume for a moment that he is indeed intimidated by you --- Do you really think this guy is good for you, when he is forming opinion about you by listening to others?

Keep friends out of this... and don't assume that his answers have something to do with what your friends said or not. He has his own brain to understand things and not get swayed/influenced by others. Such a person has no personality of his own. A man should be flattered to be with a woman not intimidated by her, if he is into you. And once again, he is NOT intimidated by you. He is only using that as an excuse to not date you... but since he kissed you for a second time... I am pretty sure he would sleep with you if you let him... what kind of guy is this? Why would he kiss a woman when he is not sure about his feelings?

 

It was so long ago, I honestly don't remember how it went down. I remember thinking, "well, guess he doesn't like me". I'm on/off those dating sites all the time, so I probably hopped off after awhile. I don't remember it being anything that I was overly concerned about or upset with.

 

I guess the whole intimidation thing is a sensitive topic for me though bc I have had guy friends tell me the same thing. I DO have (on the outside at least) my stuff together in life and project a very positive lifestyle. But I am not cold/mean/closed off. I am open and friendly. It just always sucks when I feel like people make me to be something I am not. Sometimes I feel punished for my successes (not that I would ever change a thing). He never did say he was intimidated by me, just that he'd heard all of these awesome things about me and why was I into him? But what I heard was that he was intimidated. I understand the point you're making though. At this point, I think I will continue to sleep on any ideas of texting him.

[eightytwenty]

It's sort of like this...

 

 

You have to be different than your normal self to get him to get out of his "shy" shell... Already shows a compatibility issues. Yes you can do small things to get noticed but if it's been that long back and forth, I wouldn't try anymore.

 

 

If he starts coming around showing interest then great, but don't be someone different (wearing the pants) if that isn't you..

[TuesGirl]

Maybe he's gay.

Possibly. That's happened to me once in my life already!

[olivetree]

Btw, I think your friends are selling you too hard and it's backfiring.

 

Think about it in reverse. If people were telling you how great a guy was on paper, would that really light your fire? Or will you possibly wonder if he hasn't had much luck with the ladies for them to be pumping him up so much?

 

It also doesn't matter how great someone is on paper. What most people are looking for is an undeniable connection.

[TuesGirl]

It's sort of like this...

 

 

You have to be different than your normal self to get him to get out of his "shy" shell... Already shows a compatibility issues. Yes you can do small things to get noticed but if it's been that long back and forth, I wouldn't try anymore.

 

 

If he starts coming around showing interest then great, but don't be someone different (wearing the pants) if that isn't you..

 

From 5 years ago to this past weekend there was zero back-and-forth. He likely had no idea I was even remotely interested in him until Saturday. I only mentioned the dates from a long time ago to give some context as to how I knew him. I am fairly certain there has not been anyone in the meantime either (info from both fb stalking and his friends). But yes, I will just sit on this for now. I guess at the end of the day, with the proposed text I just wanted to let him know that there's not going to be any drama.

[eightytwenty]

From 5 years ago to this past weekend there was zero back-and-forth. He likely had no idea I was even remotely interested in him until Saturday. I only mentioned the dates from a long time ago to give some context as to how I knew him. I am fairly certain there has not been anyone in the meantime either (info from both fb stalking and his friends). But yes, I will just sit on this for now. I guess at the end of the day, with the proposed text I just wanted to let him know that there's not going to be any drama.

 

 

You (mentally) have been going back and forth for that long, and didn't make a move till your/his friends said something.. That's where you got brave enough to change your ways to see if something is there... Not that it's bad at all just I think if he was really into you, he would of atleast acted like it by now.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You're both in your late 30's you've already been out together on a date which he was tepid about, you lost contact, then re-connected, you're being led by what your girlfriend tells you (when it comes to this kind of situation they really mean well but know diddly squat, she is making the same kinds of excuses you are for him because the guy is showing you his level of interest himself) you kiss him, he hems and haws and then he never contacts you again.

 

Stop chasing him. Stop making excuses for him like he is "just too shy to make a move" he's 37 not 17. I can guarantee you he isn't that shy without even knowing him, he did make it out to the date with you years ago so he isn't too shy to date, he isn't intimidated by your work, it sounds like he just isn't all that interested.

 

I could be wrong, in which case let him come to you an he will will show you himself with actions his interest.

[TuesGirl]

You (mentally) have been going back and forth for that long, and didn't make a move till your/his friends said something.. That's where you got brave enough to change your ways to see if something is there... Not that it's bad at all just I think if he was really into you, he would of atleast acted like it by now.

 

He wasn't on my radar until this past summer. I was in a serious relationship for about 3 years until it ended last Jan. I approached our mutual friends about M, asking what they thought, so I initiated the idea in early September. They just set the stage. However, I am 100% on board with actions > words and, well, in this case actions > no words, too. We'll see. I'm just a black/white person and hate the grey. It would be a lot easier to process/accept if nothing had happened after the kitchen. Then I would just know that he wasn't interested. And that's ok. I can't be everyone's cup of tea!

[TuesGirl]

Randomly ran into the host of Saturday's party last night. He asked me, "so what happened on Saturday night?" (He and I are closer friends, than he and M)

 

I gave him the brief rundown, but told him I hadn't heard from M. Host was REALLY surprised at that. Said when I was in the process of getting all of my things to leave inside, M stood up to follow me but kind of hesitated and his best friend just said, "If you're interested in her, you should go", M said, "yes" and that's when he followed me out.

 

I don't know why but somehow knowing that he followed me out because he was interested in me and not because it was just the right thing to do makes me feel a lot less confused.

 

Host is very confused/disappointed that I haven't heard from him, but agreed with all of you, that I should not reach out again. I did get a chance to relay to host that I hope that M understands I am capable of being in future party situations with him without any drama occurring. That's important to me for him to know. But have a feeling if M doesn't contact me soon it'll be a very long time before I see him again anyways.

 

Anyways - I think case closed for now, unfortunately

[smackie9]

You are in your late 30s....you don't have time for guessing games with lukewarm men....get out there and meet men with confidence, know what they want and are not afraid to show it. You need a man that is straight forward and good with communication. Don't settle for anything less.