idlesadness Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 (edited) My LDR boyfriend of 10 months (25) broke up with me (22) a month ago via FB message (...) after our last big fight about him being insensitive to my feelings. He said that he didn't want to feel like the villain in this relationship any more, and that he's not ready for a relationship with anyone, and he probably won't start dating anyone soon because this will just recur if he doesn't change. He said that at least he won't be the one to hurt me any more if we broke up. In hindsight, we really were quite compatible personality-wise (we both think that each other are the bee's knees) apart from a few points: 1. His workaholism which became more apparent as the months passed. His mind would constantly be on work (apart from during the honeymoon phase) even when we were on holiday in August. This probably affected me on a subconscious level so I became quite unhappy on our previous trip. That made him break up with me as he thought I didn't love him and I should go and look for someone better. We got back together after I convinced him I did love him, but at this point I hadn't yet sussed out the reason why I was so anxious those few months. During the days before the breakup, he actually told me that my value to him was equal to the amount of work I displaced. He resented that I texted him during work hours and that I asked him to come home early to talk to me (hello, 7pm isn't early.) I was also at fault here but I think I'm not a clingy person naturally, it was just that I was trying to make up for the lack of closeness that we had initially. 2. The physical act of sex. He's scared of it. 'Nuff said. Rubbing one out is fine (his fantasies don't include sex). Sometimes I feel like I'm just a sexual fantasy to him because he doesn't want me in the way a man wants a woman (omg so cheesy). 3. Communication issues. Being a typical perfectionist, overachieving grad student, he hasn't had a reason to actually develop his social skills, empathy or EQ (he's quite awkward socially), and so the burden of maintaining harmony in the relationship fell on me because he didn't know what to do. I tried to carry more than my own share, but I suppose that clearly didn't work. During fights, he would say that my emotions were unreasonable and that I lacked control over them when it was his thoughtless behaviour that made me angry! We broke up 4-5 times after the first one in August and I was the one who pulled him back every single time. I was just so exhausted at the end. This is day 10 of NC (after he said we needed distance). I've been thinking about him every day and I'm struggling to not cry at random intervals throughout the day. I still try and do all the things I liked to do before I met him but everything just feels like ashes in my mouth. Even with the way he treated me (which could have admittedly, been way better), he was at heart, a good person. I know what we had was true love, despite the imperfections in our relationship. He used to tell me that he couldn't believe that I actually existed and it was like the Matrix had created the girl of his dreams for him. After we broke up, he told me that he's been going for therapy regularly to deal with his issues, and that he's been reading the books about communication skills that I told him to read before the breakup. However he still doesn't know whether his issues are fixable (although he'll try his best) or whether his priorities will change, and that it's unfair on me to wait for him. I don't know how I should interpret this. Does he not love me enough? Do workaholics ever change? Was everything a lie? In the days after the breakup (when I was a complete mess), I asked him whether he still loved me. He said, 'I love you. You have my heart. But we can't be together.' I still love him too. So what I'm asking is essentially, should I abandon all hope of him changing his mind and coming back? Or should I move on? We talked about having kids and growing old together and it's just so hard to accept that all our plans are now smoke. Edited December 6, 2016 by idlesadness
Philosoraptor Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 Sounds like the two of you have entirely different needs, and are at different places in life. I wouldn't put stock into anything he is saying though. He could be telling lies, he could just be trying to "soften" the blow... which also provides false hope. Focus on yourself right now and do what is necessary for you to heal and find happiness.
Author idlesadness Posted December 6, 2016 Author Posted December 6, 2016 Sounds like the two of you have entirely different needs, and are at different places in life. I wouldn't put stock into anything he is saying though. He could be telling lies, he could just be trying to "soften" the blow... which also provides false hope. Focus on yourself right now and do what is necessary for you to heal and find happiness. Thanks for the advice... but he's never lied to me about anything even if it would make me feel better. That's why we fought so much. I don't understand how he could let go so easily.
jtmyers1988 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 So sorry to hear OP. Your story sounds so much like mine. My ex girlfriend is also a workholic and she is also a 4.0 student about to get her masters. She dumped me for various reasons last month but I am very convinced it was stress induced since we had just made plans for Christmas two days before. She would often talk about being so tired she would pass out in her car at the college campus. I was her first everything and we were best friends for 4 wonderful years. Its a tragic and heartbreaking loss. Do not lose hope but try to get thru one day at a time. My story: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/604940-did-i-lose-her-forever-time-she-worth-getting-back
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