Author xra Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Thanks, everyone. Yes, I really was foolish, thinking that he can change and is really not a psychopathic, manipulative *******. As it turns out, he's been looking actively for local hookups every time I go out of town (I've been traveling about once a month for work). The most recent time was just this weekend, he literally worked on our wedding website at 5pm and then started sending out naked photos of himself at 6pm. This really is some next-level ****. Where do I find these men?? The last guy I dated ended up being a card-carrying pickup artist. But at least with that one, I caught on after a month...my fiancé took 4 years to show his true colors. Anyways, I'm making a plan regarding how to end it. I'd love to beat him at his own game...
BaileyB Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Good for you! I'm sorry that it didn't work out the way you would have wanted, but you are doing the right thing!
Author xra Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Thank you so much for these kind words. You really verbalized what I've been feeling deep inside since the first time I found him cheating. I still have such trouble reconciling his perfect, golden exterior, the "love" he shows me every single day, how well he treats me, how much my family and all my friends love him, etc. with the twisted sickness that is the truth. He played everyone so well, I really can't help being impressed. The thing that bothers me most about this whole story...Clearly, I must be a terrible judge of character. I've been hurt before, and always thought that I'm careful giving my heart away. All I saw and felt for the past 4 years told me that he's different, he's good. If I can't trust my own eyes and brain (as well as the judgments of literally everyone who knows him) to tell me the truth about a person, what can I trust? How do I keep from repeating these mistakes without becoming a cold, cynical, jaded person? 1
BaileyB Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Relationships are always a gamble. You just have to be observant, do your due diligence, and trust your gut about someone. But, there is always some risk. Unfortunately, you have picked two bad apples. Maybe there is a pattern that you are not seeing, you may want to talk with a friend or a counsellor to get an outside opinion. But, maybe you just picked two bad apples. You live and you learn, from every experience and every relationship. Be glad you found out before you were married and had two kids together. And don't lose hope, you will find someone someday who will be worthy of your trust and your love. This is on him, all him! These are his failings and his choices do not reflect on you or the love you have offered to him. Move forward and try not to spend too much time looking in the rear view mirror... There are better things ahead.
Lorenza Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 OP, don't blame yourself. Twisted people often look completely normal. Like for example, pedophiles are often "decent" family men with children of their own. You couldn't have known about his true nature. He might have some mild psychopatic tendencies too, if he's so good at keeping his good boy exterior. Working on your wedding website and then looking for strangers to have sex with right after. Or he's simply an addict. In any case, you deserve better, way better.
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Thank you so much for these kind words. You really verbalized what I've been feeling deep inside since the first time I found him cheating. I still have such trouble reconciling his perfect, golden exterior, the "love" he shows me every single day, how well he treats me, how much my family and all my friends love him, etc. with the twisted sickness that is the truth. He played everyone so well, I really can't help being impressed. The thing that bothers me most about this whole story...Clearly, I must be a terrible judge of character. I've been hurt before, and always thought that I'm careful giving my heart away. All I saw and felt for the past 4 years told me that he's different, he's good. If I can't trust my own eyes and brain (as well as the judgments of literally everyone who knows him) to tell me the truth about a person, what can I trust? How do I keep from repeating these mistakes without becoming a cold, cynical, jaded person? Listen to your gut instinct instead of your desire.
Miss Peach Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I wouldn't be able to marry someone I couldn't trust and who couldn't communicate with me. I know it's really hard to deal with but be thankful you found out about it now before actually getting married. It's much easier to deal with it now than finding out when you have shared assets and/or kids. It's really hard to trust again after being betrayed but eventually you'll need to heal from this to find a good man. No one is going to want to stay around and pay for this guy's mistakes. Just go slowly and keep your eyes open.
Author xra Posted December 11, 2016 Author Posted December 11, 2016 Here's a fun update, for any who might be curious: I found SO much more evidence (thank you Gmail cache), it really made up my mind for me. Turns out he's been having hookups with so many random people from Craigslist...older men, younger men, older women, younger women, couples....literally, every single time I am out of town. As recently as last week. I am SO scared about STDs right now. But if he caught anything during these adventures of his, it's too late for me to hope that I don't have it too. I am leaving him and never looking back. It looks like I'll need to break up with him on his birthday, but honestly that's the least of my problems at this point. Thanks everyone for your advice and support, once again. Now I just have to start working on slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. 4
Lorenza Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 Ugh, he's sick and disgusting! I'm glad you found out and walked away before it ruined your life. Really hope you didn't catch any STDs. 1
elaine567 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 He lacks impulse control at least as far as money and sex are concerned. He is willing to risk everything for his own gratification. He is not husband and father material. You have done the right thing by walking away. 1
spiderowl Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 I am so sorry. It is hard to know what to say to offer some comfort. You deserve better. It is possible to love someone and still hate some of their behaviour. This kind of behaviour does not seem to be tolerable within a marriage, but that is for you to decide not anyone else. Given that things are so far advanced with your wedding and you have just found what he has been doing, give yourself at least 24 hours to think about this and sleep on it if you can. Once you have decided whether to continue with him or not, then (if it is to finish), do it quickly and tell people so that people can re-adjust their plans. The worst of it is that your dreams are in tatters and it is not your fault. It is a huge blow but ending this could be the start to a better future for you. You know this guy is not going to stop doing this. He does not appear to be able to control his impulses. This has very little to do you with you being unavailable sexually for a couple of weeks. He was doing this before, remember? He has little self-control and clearly does not see he need for self-control either. Just a thought but you could ask your best friends/family to help you with an action plan to recover as much as possible of what you will have lost with the wedding arrangements - sell the dress, etc. I know it is awful to have to think about these things while you are hurting so much but maybe having support to deal with it all will reduce the pain a little. Sending you hugs X There is love and life beyond this guy, truly.
AT15 Posted December 11, 2016 Posted December 11, 2016 He's mentally unstable. No one in their right mind would be doing this stuff. I feel for you. I'm so happy you dug a little deeper, because some people don't want to know the truth. So, good for you. My ex slept with men to (transgendered). I know how you feel. Also, get into therapy ASAP. You will need so much spurt moving forward. 2
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