No_Go Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 OP - I had the SAME bf as you apparently. Joke aside, but I experienced similar resentment after moving in, in our case after 7-8 months so quite early as well: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/575750-common-expenses-while-dating And the same as your BF he was a sweet guy, I loved him, but I just hated his financial behaviors. Initially when getting on dates I'll pay for both of us, thinking he'll get the hint and alternate.. No. I had to stop going out anywhere for him to get the hint, and then I almost resentfully let him pay for us knowing that if I offer - we return to square one (me paying for both all the f*cking time) Then after move in: groceries were a thing. We were splitting supposedly 50/50, but he's a 200 lbs men and I was 125 lbs at the time. So he'd eat obviously double, I'd get annoyed. He'd also never let me shop with him, supposedly because he was doing the cooking (that's true). Ended up gaining good 15 lbs over an year of cohabitation because of this grocery arrangement. That's petty - I totally agree. I just resented his lack of consideration, not who eats 3 apples and who eats 2. I think again similar to you. Unfortunately I didn't find words to tell him how I feel but instead got resentful and ... I hate to say it, condescending to him This ultimately ruined the relationship to the point of no return We're still semi-together (broken up but something like fwb, or I don't even know how to descrive it)... we have rehashed what happened over and over. He apparently never made the association that I was condescending because I was fed up with this money issues and didn't know how to express myself. He just thought I'm not committed to him and do not love him - which was very far from the truth. I wanted a family with him... And still can't get over him at all besides the whole fiasco. He was for nearly 2 years the most important person in my life... but the resentment for this f*cking money arrangements presented in an ugly way,he responded equally ugly and the rest is history. Moral of the story: If you see future with him: !!!SPEAK UP NOW!!! Things will not get better by themselves because similar to my guy he's probably un/semi-aware that that's the reason for your resentment. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 He was for nearly 2 years the most important person in my life... but the resentment for this f*cking money arrangements presented in an ugly way,he responded equally ugly and the rest is history. Wow No_Go, if that relatively small hurdle caused the relationship to crash and burn, not sure you would have made it under any circumstances. Doesn't seem like the necessary communication came from either of you ... Mr. Lucky
No_Go Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I think we both tried, but he was coming very insecure, and I - too pushy. He'd close off if I get too pushy and I will not listen to him if he's not clear enough. I may say the financial behaviors made the RL burn because I was dead set on finally buying a house, and he took it as 1) offence towards his spending habits (somehow connected it with dates/groceries talks) 2) felt excluded when I say I will buy it anyway, wit him or alone etc. I think money is just a bitter poison in relationships. At least clashing financial styles. But it all start with the stupid groceries as in OP's case... Wow No_Go, if that relatively small hurdle caused the relationship to crash and burn, not sure you would have made it under any circumstances. Doesn't seem like the necessary communication came from either of you ... Mr. Lucky
samantha_t85 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Ew. He sounds awful and cheap. I would see no long-term potential with someone like this.
Author rushed Posted December 9, 2016 Author Posted December 9, 2016 Why didn't you want him to come with you to the hospital? No offense, but it sounds like you need to be a little more vocal/pushy about your needs. I knew I was going to be there all day. I didn't want to also have to worry about him getting tired/bored after several hours. Without him there I could stay as long as I needed (I was there 12 hours). Also I knew that my sister was going to be there. She knows how to crack me up. (Boyfriend has a different sense of humor. He's more serious.) Plus, I knew I'd have to talk to the doctors and be in the room with my mom as they did more exams and tests. I knew she'd be more comfortable if it were just her immediate family in the same room. But you are definitely correct in that I do need to be more vocal with my needs to him. That's where I struggle.
Author rushed Posted December 9, 2016 Author Posted December 9, 2016 What is this guys dating history? Why has he moved in with you? It sounds like you got yourself a parasite. He was married for about ten years. He's been dating for the past seven. Has had a few relationships during those seven years. I know one girlfriend left him for a more physically attractive guy. I haven't really asked him for details on his past relationships so that's about all I know. His lease was ending. He could have renewed it. He brought up living together as an option but would have been completely fine if I had said no. However, at the time my giddy in-love self was all, "OMG! Yes! Let's live together! Hooray!"
Author rushed Posted December 9, 2016 Author Posted December 9, 2016 Can't you just say, "please don't eat all the muffin tops?" Or, "please leave me some Oreos, don't eat them all?" Are you telling him these things directly? I didn't think I had to. However, yep, with the next pack of muffins (and beer) I bought I told him to not eat them all and that the beer was for me.
Author rushed Posted December 9, 2016 Author Posted December 9, 2016 OP - I had the SAME bf as you apparently. Joke aside, but I experienced similar resentment after moving in, in our case after 7-8 months so quite early as well: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/575750-common-expenses-while-dating And the same as your BF he was a sweet guy, I loved him, but I just hated his financial behaviors. Initially when getting on dates I'll pay for both of us, thinking he'll get the hint and alternate.. No. I had to stop going out anywhere for him to get the hint, and then I almost resentfully let him pay for us knowing that if I offer - we return to square one (me paying for both all the f*cking time) Then after move in: groceries were a thing. We were splitting supposedly 50/50, but he's a 200 lbs men and I was 125 lbs at the time. So he'd eat obviously double, I'd get annoyed. He'd also never let me shop with him, supposedly because he was doing the cooking (that's true). Ended up gaining good 15 lbs over an year of cohabitation because of this grocery arrangement. That's petty - I totally agree. I just resented his lack of consideration, not who eats 3 apples and who eats 2. I think again similar to you. Unfortunately I didn't find words to tell him how I feel but instead got resentful and ... I hate to say it, condescending to him This ultimately ruined the relationship to the point of no return We're still semi-together (broken up but something like fwb, or I don't even know how to descrive it)... we have rehashed what happened over and over. He apparently never made the association that I was condescending because I was fed up with this money issues and didn't know how to express myself. He just thought I'm not committed to him and do not love him - which was very far from the truth. I wanted a family with him... And still can't get over him at all besides the whole fiasco. He was for nearly 2 years the most important person in my life... but the resentment for this f*cking money arrangements presented in an ugly way,he responded equally ugly and the rest is history. Moral of the story: If you see future with him: !!!SPEAK UP NOW!!! Things will not get better by themselves because similar to my guy he's probably un/semi-aware that that's the reason for your resentment. Ah! You totally get me! My issue is my really weak communication skills. I hate conflict. I hate confrontation. And when I finally do work up enough nerve to communicate I either wind up crying, yelling, or just stumbling over my words. 1
No_Go Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Ah! You totally get me! My issue is my really weak communication skills. I hate conflict. I hate confrontation. And when I finally do work up enough nerve to communicate I either wind up crying, yelling, or just stumbling over my words. Yup, I had exactly the same reaction exactly for the same reasons. I still can't comprehend how he considered things that he was doing / not doing OK and why I've had to tell him. I'm not a policewoman in my own home ... AND he did nagged for months how badly I've been treating him because I expressed my opinion that his financial habits suggest he's a man-boy. He took it as a deadly offense. I took this guy out of debt, guided him to fix his terrible credit, took him out of his bachelors house filled with unopened boxes (you couldn't walk in between boxes, it was that bad), treated him to dates like a little prince, and he turned back on me because I was 'ride' to him. I was not rude, just couldn't find words to tell him he's acting immature esp with money. And stupid me, I really hoped he'd change and we'd have future together...
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