rushed Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 We're both 42 and have been together for six months. The first few months were wonderful as they normally are when wearing rose-colored glasses in new relationships. But reality has now set in and I'm feeling a whole lot of doubt. It started a month ago. He spent the night at my place (now our place). In the morning he mentioned he was hungry. I walked over to Starbucks and brought him back some food. Later in the afternoon I was out running errands, got myself some Thai food, texted him to see if he wanted me to bring him back any, and did so after he replied yes. Later that night he asked if I wanted to get soup with him. We went out and when the bill came he asked for my half of the bill (my soup was only eight dollars). Shocked because I had bought him all that food earlier that day, I just handed him a ten. (A couple days prior I also gave him a twenty because he didn't have any cash for the bridge toll to get home. Toll is only five.) The next morning we got bagels. I was prepared to pay for mine separately, but he gestured for me to add my order to his. I gave him exact cash for mine. When he finished paying, he asked me to leave the tip (his order was double mine). We went grocery shopping together the other week. I made sure to pay for my groceries separately. I bought a pack of four blueberry muffins. He asked if he could have one. I said sure. The next morning I found out my mom had a heart attack. I grabbed a muffin and spent all day at the hospital with her - 10am to 10pm. When I got home, I saw just the stumps of the three remaining muffins scattered on the kitchen table. He had eaten the tops of the three remaining muffins. (He also drank my last three bottles of beer.) To his credit he did go to Starbucks in the morning and bought me one blueberry muffin. For Thanksgiving I went with him to his sister's. It was my first time meeting her and her husband. Boyfriend disappeared for a couple of hours. His sister and I both thought he was in the bathroom dealing with stomach issues. When he came back out (we were all waiting on him because by then dinner was ready), he said he had taken a nap in the guest room. He recently moved in with me. Last week I asked him for his share for December. He said he spent a lot of money last month and asked if he could give me half now and half when he gets paid on Friday. His share of the rent now is $2,000 LESS than what he was paying at his old place. I was appalled that he even asked. I make a fraction of what he makes, plus it's Christmas time and I've got kids. I was fine because I make sure to always have enough for all my bills, but I was still irked. There are a lot of other things. I've talked to him about some of the stuff. I'm trying to pick my battles so I don't seem like a nag. He's a sweet guy. When I do bring up something, he'll address it and try to do better right away, but then he seems to forget later. I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. I don't want to have to, for lack of a better word, "train" a guy on how be a decent partner. Hindsight is 20/20, and I'm now kicking myself for having rushed the living together thing (stupid being in love feeling). I'm trying to make the best of things, but I'm finding myself less and less attracted to him because of his actions. Can this be salvaged or is it time to throw in the towel?
RecentChange Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 Money kids and religion are some of the most important compatibility issues a couple will face. 6 months!? I would expect the rose tinted glasses to still be on. I don't see a happily ever after here. 3
VeveCakes Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 I think if you are keeping tabs on spending for everything you are in trouble. Did you discuss finances before he moved in? Do you normally eat out three meals a day? If you are co habiting in a relationship I would just assume food is shared and not you eat what you bought type thing otherwise you are more like room mates. That being said is this guy cheap or something?
Author rushed Posted December 6, 2016 Author Posted December 6, 2016 I think if you are keeping tabs on spending for everything you are in trouble. Did you discuss finances before he moved in? Do you normally eat out three meals a day? If you are co habiting in a relationship I would just assume food is shared and not you eat what you bought type thing otherwise you are more like room mates. That being said is this guy cheap or something? We discussed how to split the other bills, but not groceries. I figured it was best to just continue his example of how he's always split the bill when eating out - buying what one's eat since he eats a lot more than I do. I normally eat out a lot because I hate cooking and I hate a dirty kitchen even more (another bone of my contention, but as I've mentioned before, I'm trying to choose my battles). He's only paid for me maybe a handful of times on dates and those few times it was always prefaced by "I'll pay this time since you paid last time." I've paid for him a lot and it's always been just because. I wanted him to feel special and to let him know that he could depend on me. Part of the wonderful thing, for me at least, of being in a relationship is taking care of the other person. When that's not reciprocated it seriously sucks. I've since stopped paying for him and always just pay my half now. It seems he's just cheap, or I don't even know if that's the right word for it, when it comes to me. He donates to charities regularly. It feels like he just doesn't want to spend any money on me. I've tried leading by example before - many a times picking up the whole tab, paying for his beers when we're out drinking, paying for both our tickets. But like I mentioned in the last paragraph, I've stopped because it wasn't being reciprocated. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 But like I mentioned in the last paragraph, I've stopped because it wasn't being reciprocated. You could either continue to build resentment or talk to him about it - your choice. It seems you're waiting for some agreement to develop organically, something unlikely to happen. Put your cards on the table and tell him how you feel and what your expectations are. He'll either figure it out - or he won't and either outcome will allow you to plan accordingly. Hope things work out... Mr. Lucky 2
Els Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 Wait. Wait. You're cohabitating with this guy (so presumably a serious relationship). Your mum has a heart attack. You spend all day in the hospital with her. This guy doesn't drop by even ONCE (and he managed to eat 3 muffins at home, so certainly not away or at work). And you're pissed that he ate your muffins and drank your beer instead?!?!?!?! I mean, I'm not defending his all-around crappiness, but just, wow. That's like saying, "My boyfriend constantly leaves dirty dishes in the sink, should I dump him? Oh, and he also went out drinking with friends when I was hospitalized after being involved in a car accident." Should definitely dump him either way, but it's so strange that you're picking on the lesser fault instead. 10
anna121 Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 He sounds awful and it was an insane decision to move in with him so quickly. I'd say cut your losses and, AT LEAST, separate your living situations.
BaileyB Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 The two things that jump out to me are that you have moved in together after six months. You have children, you hardly know this guy after only six months, and you moved in together. And, your mom had a heart attack and he did nothing. Something is not good there. He sounds quite selfish, certainly not generous or kind. That would bother me. People have their own personalities - about how they handle money, generosity, how they handle life's responsibilities, how they show affection. You need to ask yourself whether this guy is really comparable with what you want in a life partner. It sounds like you have your doubts. 3
BoaConstrictor Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 One of my close friend married a guy like this. Almost twenty years later, she says that she have five children: four under the age of 18 and one over the age of 40. 1
mikeylo Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 The only way out of this situation is to kick him out of your house.
Author rushed Posted December 6, 2016 Author Posted December 6, 2016 Wait. Wait. You're cohabitating with this guy (so presumably a serious relationship). Your mum has a heart attack. You spend all day in the hospital with her. This guy doesn't drop by even ONCE (and he managed to eat 3 muffins at home, so certainly not away or at work). And you're pissed that he ate your muffins and drank your beer instead?!?!?!?! I mean, I'm not defending his all-around crappiness, but just, wow. That's like saying, "My boyfriend constantly leaves dirty dishes in the sink, should I dump him? Oh, and he also went out drinking with friends when I was hospitalized after being involved in a car accident." Should definitely dump him either way, but it's so strange that you're picking on the lesser fault instead. He would have come with me to the hospital if I had asked him to. He texted me repeatedly throughout the day to see how my mom was doing and to see how I was doing. And from the second I told him about my mom he kept asking me to let him know if there was anything he could do.
Popsicle Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Maybe it's just me but all this sounds trivial. Food is usually shared between married couples and he is going to pay you the rent. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 And from the second I told him about my mom he kept asking me to let him know if there was anything he could do. You seem to think he's a good - if thrifty - guy. Why don't you both throw your proportional money in a pot at the beginning of the month and live jointly off that? Hard to see how you can share a life when you can't agree on the division of baked goods ... Mr. Lucky
Author rushed Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 You seem to think he's a good - if thrifty - guy. Why don't you both throw your proportional money in a pot at the beginning of the month and live jointly off that? Hard to see how you can share a life when you can't agree on the division of baked goods ... Mr. Lucky He's a really sweet guy for the most part. He just has these instances that make me scratch my head. But you are right in what you said in a previous post. I really do need to talk to him about things instead of letting the resentment build up. Communication is not my strong suit. As for throwing our money together in regards to living expenses, I'm not exactly there yet. I know it sounds petty, but it's one way I have of making sure I don't get taken advantage of. I have this fear of him buying a ton of food with the shared money, food I wouldn't even eat. (A friend of mine told me that when she moved in with her guy she gained 20 pounds just trying to eat the same amount of food as he did since they split the groceries and it just didn't seem fair that he would get more food. As ridiculous as that sounds, I can totally understand that.)
Els Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Okay, assuming he genuinely was concerned and wanting to help when your mum had a heart attack... As for throwing our money together in regards to living expenses, I'm not exactly there yet. It's fine to not be 'there yet' (especially after only 6 months of dating), but I would question why you would even want to cohabitate if you're not 'there yet'. Isn't it a huge headache to have to keep track of who eats what and who uses what when you're living together with a person who is supposedly your partner? I mean, even when I had platonic housemates, we had a 'flat account' that everyone contributed to and that we used to buy groceries like toilet paper with. Sure we might not all use exactly the same amount of toilet paper, but far better to lose a few cents than to have to constantly bicker about that.... To me, it sounds like you moved in together too soon. Might be worth living separately at least until you feel like you're ready to live together as a couple. I know it sounds petty, but it's one way I have of making sure I don't get taken advantage of. I have this fear of him buying a ton of food with the shared money, food I wouldn't even eat. (A friend of mine told me that when she moved in with her guy she gained 20 pounds just trying to eat the same amount of food as he did since they split the groceries and it just didn't seem fair that he would get more food. As ridiculous as that sounds, I can totally understand that.) Nah, it usually balances out IMO. To be honest, I probably use more of our groceries than my SO does. He eats more 'quantity', but that's mostly cheap carbs - I eat more fresh fruit and veggies, and I use more toiletries. As far as I've seen, the average guy's grocery bill isn't any higher than the average girl's. 2
MidwestUSA Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Nah, it usually balances out IMO. To be honest, I probably use more of our groceries than my SO does. He eats more 'quantity', but that's mostly cheap carbs - I eat more fresh fruit and veggies, and I use more toiletries. As far as I've seen, the average guy's grocery bill isn't any higher than the average girl's. True, but this is a guy who eats the tops off of muffins, and I'm assuming leaves the rest to go to waste. She could come home and find he's eaten an entire pack of Oreos - just the white insides. And anyone who drinks my last beers without making a run spends time in the doghouse. 4
Author rushed Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 Okay, assuming he genuinely was concerned and wanting to help when your mum had a heart attack... It's fine to not be 'there yet' (especially after only 6 months of dating), but I would question why you would even want to cohabitate if you're not 'there yet'. Isn't it a huge headache to have to keep track of who eats what and who uses what when you're living together with a person who is supposedly your partner? I mean, even when I had platonic housemates, we had a 'flat account' that everyone contributed to and that we used to buy groceries like toilet paper with. Sure we might not all use exactly the same amount of toilet paper, but far better to lose a few cents than to have to constantly bicker about that.... To me, it sounds like you moved in together too soon. Might be worth living separately at least until you feel like you're ready to live together as a couple. Nah, it usually balances out IMO. To be honest, I probably use more of our groceries than my SO does. He eats more 'quantity', but that's mostly cheap carbs - I eat more fresh fruit and veggies, and I use more toiletries. As far as I've seen, the average guy's grocery bill isn't any higher than the average girl's. Yep, you are absolutely correct. We did move in together too soon, and I wish we hadn't. I am an idiot. I remember at the time we made the decision I was grinning ear to ear for days I was so excited. Now I want to go back in time and slap some sense into myself. But he's here now so I'm trying to make the best of it. The thing is I rarely eat at home. Also, he works from home a lot so he's home way more that I am. May I ask how long you and your SO have been living together and when you guys first moved in together if there was adjustment period before things started running smoothly? 1
MidwestUSA Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Yep, you are absolutely correct. We did move in together too soon, and I wish we hadn't. I am an idiot. I remember at the time we made the decision I was grinning ear to ear for days I was so excited. Now I want to go back in time and slap some sense into myself. But he's here now so I'm trying to make the best of it. You're not an idiot. We've all done stupid things. You just need to think it through and try to get him on the same page, or separate. When I was 23, the mother of a guy I had dated for just a few months inherited a house. Cute 1920s bungalow, stained glass, a coal chute! I moved into it with him; rent was $250 a month. It was so exciting! In cowardly fashion, I moved out of my parents' home on a day they were out of town, didn't give them a clue. Lost the use of my dad's second truck, and bought a junker. But I was playing house on my own! And I soon found out it really was 'on my own'. Within a couple of months, I was planning my exit strategy. I couldn't go back home. I hung in there for about fifteen months, squirreling away the money that my $125 share of the rent allowed me to. I bought a house and moved out while he was out somewhere drinking (which was often). He called me a few days after I was settled in, and asked 'are we still dating?' :lmao: That's my stupid story. You're not alone. Best of luck to you! 2
jay1983 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 True, but this is a guy who eats the tops off of muffins, and I'm assuming leaves the rest to go to waste. She could come home and find he's eaten an entire pack of Oreos - just the white insides. And anyone who drinks my last beers without making a run spends time in the doghouse. Reminds of that episode on Seinfeld where they try and give all muffin bottoms to the homeless. Lol 3
losangelena Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Why didn't you want him to come with you to the hospital? No offense, but it sounds like you need to be a little more vocal/pushy about your needs. 3
Mr. Lucky Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I have this fear of him buying a ton of food with the shared money, food I wouldn't even eat. (A friend of mine told me that when she moved in with her guy she gained 20 pounds just trying to eat the same amount of food as he did since they split the groceries and it just didn't seem fair that he would get more food. As ridiculous as that sounds, I can totally understand that.) Lots of ways around this, including an agreement you'll only shop together. Grocery expense is just one part of cohabitation. Perhaps one partner does the bulk of house and yard work to offset a bigger appetite. One person may want the house heated in winter and cooled in summer to a greater extent. Not sure I understand your preoccupation with dividing the cookies equally... Mr. Lucky 2
Els Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Yep, you are absolutely correct. We did move in together too soon, and I wish we hadn't. I am an idiot. I remember at the time we made the decision I was grinning ear to ear for days I was so excited. Now I want to go back in time and slap some sense into myself. But he's here now so I'm trying to make the best of it. If moving back out isn't an option, then try being more assertive with your needs. It still feels headache-y to me to divide stuff to the extent that you guys are doing, but if it works for you then by all means do so. Just don't sit and stew about the things you're unhappy with, talk to him about it. May I ask how long you and your SO have been living together and when you guys first moved in together if there was adjustment period before things started running smoothly? About 5 years, I didn't really notice any significant 'adjustment period' to be honest, it went rather smoothly. But we'd been together longer than you guys had when we first moved in together, and we were very young (so perhaps more malleable to adjustment). I don't think living together with another person, no matter who it is, is ever going to be perfect. It's not like you spend x number of months working out the issues and then everything is happily ever after. It can definitely be better than what you are experiencing now, but don't expect to be able to live like you're single when you're cohabitating. Compromise is always going to be required of both of you. 1
elaine567 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I have this fear of him buying a ton of food with the shared money, food I wouldn't even eat. (A friend of mine told me that when she moved in with her guy she gained 20 pounds just trying to eat the same amount of food as he did since they split the groceries and it just didn't seem fair that he would get more food. As ridiculous as that sounds, I can totally understand that.) Been there done that, it is not only about matching the food intake. It is knowing that if you pass on it, thinking you will have some later, you will find that there not be any left to have later, as he will have eaten them. So you end up eating three/four Oreos at a sitting, as you know that is your last chance to have any, or your your last chance to get a "fair share". Normally I would have had one Oreo, and left the packet untouched for the rest of the week. What is this guys dating history? Why has he moved in with you? It sounds like you got yourself a parasite. parasite ˈparəsʌɪt noun noun: parasite; plural noun: parasites 1. an organism which lives in or on another organism (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the other's expense. 1
losangelena Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Can't you just say, "please don't eat all the muffin tops?" Or, "please leave me some Oreos, don't eat them all?" Are you telling him these things directly?
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