Charmed22 Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 I hosted a meetup event at a bar about 2 weeks ago. At the event I met a guy who just moved to the city. We hit it off immediately and continued to hang out after the event was over. I dropped him off at his place since he took an uber to the bar. He invited me inside and I accepted but let him know I will not be having sex with him as I do not have sex unless I'm in a relationship. He respected that and I ended up staying at his place that night. Two days later my best friend was getting a group together for dinner so I invited him. He accepted and afterwards we hung out at his place and watched netflix. After the date, he pulled me aside and upfront told me that he likes me, I'm the only person he is dating/talking to. However he is new to city and dosent know anything/anybody which is why he joined the meetup group. He also has never been in a relationship which is why he wants to take things slow. He said he is afraid he will mess this up which will result in me being upset with him and him losing the opportunity to make friends in the city. He said for those reasons he cannot be a serious boyfriend right now which I understood and appreciated him being upfront. I texted him a few days later and he offered to go on a quick taco run with me before he had to go to sleep since he worked early the next morning. All we did was grab tacos, didnt really hang out long. I texted him a few days after that seeing if he was free and he said he had a big workout planned. I asked if he wanted to workout together sometime and he said no he doesn't like to workout with people cause it distracts him. I decided to pull back then he texted me last saturday seeing what I was doing. It was a brief conversation then he stopped responding. Im not sure where is interest lies. He is clearly the type that overthinks things (I am too). I felt like he was being honest when he told me he is interested but wants to take it slow cause he is afraid he will mess it up. However, Im not used to taking things slow. Is it normal to go a few days without talking? I want to see him so Im considering texting him to see if he wants to grab drinks thursday. How should I go about asking him? Will I come across as needy or pushy even though I don't contact him everyday?
kismetkismet Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 My guess is that he's just not in a place where he's sure he wants to be in a relationship, whereas you are. Some people are more comfortable dating more casually for a while - at least at first - rather than deciding to be in an exclusive relationship quite away. My guess is that your not wanting to sleep together until in an exclusive relationship communicated to him that the two of you are looking for different levels of seriousness in your dating lives. Also, when you first move to a city, jumping into a serious relationship straight away CAN be distracting and prevent you from putting down your own roots in the city aside from your relationship. Then if things went sour between you two it would have even consequences for him because he wouldn't have his own life to fall back to - everything he knew in the city would be turned over. If you are only interested in dating seriously or not at all, then I'd try to move on from this guy. He's told you that he doesn't want a serious relationship, and you've indicated to him that you want a serious relationship or no romantic/intimate relationship at all. This leaves the two of you as friends.
Author Charmed22 Posted December 6, 2016 Author Posted December 6, 2016 (edited) My guess is that he's just not in a place where he's sure he wants to be in a relationship, whereas you are. Some people are more comfortable dating more casually for a while - at least at first - rather than deciding to be in an exclusive relationship quite away. My guess is that your not wanting to sleep together until in an exclusive relationship communicated to him that the two of you are looking for different levels of seriousness in your dating lives. Also, when you first move to a city, jumping into a serious relationship straight away CAN be distracting and prevent you from putting down your own roots in the city aside from your relationship. Then if things went sour between you two it would have even consequences for him because he wouldn't have his own life to fall back to - everything he knew in the city would be turned over. If you are only interested in dating seriously or not at all, then I'd try to move on from this guy. He's told you that he doesn't want a serious relationship, and you've indicated to him that you want a serious relationship or no romantic/intimate relationship at all. This leaves the two of you as friends. I was only ever in one relationship which began in high school and was serious from the start and lasted 6 years. I know that now that I'm older, not to expect that sorta thing. Im okay with the idea of taking things slow/let things happen naturally. However I have no experience practicing it. I have very limited dating experience so I don't know what to expect when you take things slow. I don't know how often I should expect to see/hear from someone I'm taking things slow with. When I told him no sex, I meant that I will not have a one night stand with someone I just met that night. I didnt flat out say to him I need a serious relationship. I just didnt want to have sex with a stranger and not hear from him again. I understand his reasoning behind not wanting to jump into a serious relationship before he has had the chance to establish himself in the city. Thats why I told him I understand the circumstances, I am interested in dating him as well and I am fine with taking things slow and seeing where they go. Ive given him space, I havent texting him daily or demanded much from his time, its been over a week since I have seen him. Im a busy person myself and I have an active social life where I don't really need to rely on dating someone. However I have the urge to ask him to grab drinks with me later this week. I was wondering if it would be pushing it to ask him out. Edited December 6, 2016 by Charmed22
clia Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 He's not interested in getting into a relationship with you, for valid reasons. (New to the city, doesn't want things awkward at the Meetup, etc.). He told you that, so why are you ignoring it? It sounds like you've been doing all the pursuing. If he wanted to date you, he would. My advice is to move on. If he contacts you and asks you out, then go, but I don't think you should ask him out again.
salparadise Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 I don't know how often I should expect to see/hear from someone I'm taking things slow with. When I told him no sex, I meant that I will not have a one night stand with someone I just met that night. I didnt flat out say to him I need a serious relationship. I just didnt want to have sex with a stranger and not hear from him again. That's easy. Tell him "hey, you know that thing I said about not wanting sex unless in a serious relationship... well, I lied. I wanted you to chase. I didn't mean for you to take it literally" However I have the urge to ask him to grab drinks with me later this week. I was wondering if it would be pushing it to ask him out. It's possible that he's reticent and afraid of something, messing it up or just inexperienced can't allow himself to become vulnerable. I think you might have to do something out of your comfort zone to get the ball rolling. You put the breaks on that first night and he accepted it rather than going into hot pursuit mode. I wouldn't assume he's not interested, but also don't assume that he's going to pursue the way you'd like either. You might have to give him a little taste to whet his appetite.
winny Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 Do nothing and wait for him to initiate... it seems like he hasn't initiated any meetings or dates yet with you and you have been doing all the work.
Sunkissedpatio Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 He also has never been in a relationship which is why he wants to take things slow. He said he is afraid he will mess this up which will result in me being upset with him and him losing the opportunity to make friends in the city. He said for those reasons he cannot be a serious boyfriend right now which I understood and appreciated him being upfront. He's already told you clearly where he stands. Why are you trying to dig deeper for another meaning? And why can't you respect his wishes? There is nothing you can do to make him want otherwise and in fact the more you pursue him and push him the more you will likely turn him off. He feels between a rock and a hard place and already told you he doesn't want to lose the meetup friendship because he has no friends. There is no deeper hidden meaning. That is what it is.
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