Have any of you fallen out of love and then back in love with your spouse?

[40somethingGuy]

For women especially (but men who experienced this as well and regained the true love from their wives) who has fallen out of love with their spouse only to come around and redevelop that love to the point where you are now again 'in love' with your spouse? My wife told me awhile ago that she slowly feel out of love with me. We were at a point where she stopped 'nagging/arguing' and I made the fatal mistake of taking it as contentment where in her words she 'stopped fighting/caring.' Sex dried up and frankly looking back I had my head up my butt. We didn't fight fair and both of us argued to win and not to solve issues the right way. We are better at this today. In September last year I noticed what seemed like a permanent change in her. Just more distant and apathetic. I did suspect an affair. At the time what turned out to happen (and I have a thread on the Infidelity forum about that issue specially) is that she ran into a neighbor that happened to be a lover of hers from years back (15 plus years ago) and she realized she had feelings for him but did not contact him. At the end of January 2016 he did contact her to catch up and developed an EA where they decided to take it to a PA but the OM got cold feet and broke it off before much happened (they met up once over lunch breaks and my wife did offer him a hj and a bj but he declined, broke it off, and I found out 4 days later). She actually went from cold and distant to happy and sexually charged with me during the period of the affair going on. I thought it was because of me but to my heartbreak, I was just the warm body to take her emotions out on. Anyways, that affair is in our rear view mirror and have gone on a quest to ensure we get stronger and avoid that from happening.

 

 

So, this question is more geared towards how do you tactically get her to fall in love again? I know some of her complaints about me are legit and I have worked hard on them. I think she would tell you that she sees progress from me and I am more attentive. Sex is better than it was but nothing like when we were in love. I do get too many restrictions compared to the past but it is miles better than what it was. She does tell me she loves me but I know she is not yet 'in love' with me. I suspect some of it has to do with the fact that after 13 years together I am not 'new.' We do have 2 somewhat challenging but improving boys and my wife had 2 C-Sections. I do suspect that there were some hormonal changes after the 2nd C Section but not for sure either. What were some of the ways you were able to turn things around and recapture the love that you once had? What advice do you have for me to truly take us to the next level again, the way we were years before? I still love my wife incredibly but I yearn for the truly 'in love' kind of love that makes all the problems more manageable because we have each other to love and lean on?

Edited December 5, 2016 by 40somethingGuy

[BettyDraper]

First of all, I think that your wife's affair needs to be addressed because it was not an effective way to deal with marital issues. Don't become so wrapped up in winning your wife's love again that you allow her to get away with what she did. Your wife went outside the marriage which was unacceptable. Has she shown any remorse for this? What I'm noticing in your post is your ability to realize your faults. That is great but it takes two to make or break a marriage.

 

It's wonderful that you have made improvements and your marriage has gotten better. Stay on that track and your wife should fall in love with you again. Time is the best healer. Remember that love ebbs and flows. It also becomes challenging to keep the spark the longer you are with someone.

 

I fell out of love with my husband because he was selfish. I became very cold and distant while my husband was very affectionate. He also made many improvements in his behavior. It didn't help that I have been through traumatic events which also made it hard to open up to anyone. It took years but I learned to be vulnerable again. I accepted my husband's heartfelt apologies. I also learned to appreciate how tender and patient he was while I was protecting myself due to resentment. Now we are very much in love.

[40somethingGuy]

First of all, I think that your wife's affair needs to be addressed because it was not an effective way to deal with marital issues. Don't become so wrapped up in winning your wife's love again that you allow her to get away with what she did. Your wife went outside the marriage which was unacceptable. Has she shown any remorse for this? What I'm noticing in your post is your ability to realize your faults. That is great but it takes two to make or break a marriage.

 

It's wonderful that you have made improvements and your marriage has gotten better. Stay on that track and your wife should fall in love with you again. Time is the best healer. Remember that love ebbs and flows. It also becomes challenging to keep the spark the longer you are with someone.

 

I fell out of love with my husband because he was selfish. I became very cold and distant while my husband was very affectionate. He also made many improvements in his behavior. It didn't help that I have been through traumatic events which also made it hard to open up to anyone. It took years but I learned to be vulnerable again. I accepted my husband's heartfelt apologies. I also learned to appreciate how tender and patient he was while I was protecting myself due to resentment. Now we are very much in love.

Yes, she was remorseful and we addressed it ad nausem. She was in a mid life crisis at work and her growing lack of enthusiasm for me all coupled with running into him randomly (yes, this I am positive about since I was there) all created the perfect storm. We went to a MC who was awful since she was a side taker and basically made excuses for my wife and hated me even though I was open about my responsibilities or lack thereof that pushed her away. My wife had no issue with my demand to find a new one as she agreed she was bad. The second MC was better. But I have had enough hashing out the years ago that I feel short. I realize where I was failing her and have made many changes. Part of it too is I am more self aware and have grown. I have no doubt that I could protect a new relationship from any of this happening to us if I was starting a new one but I really want to just GROW with my wife. She admitted in MC that she was just going to suck it up and then leave when the kids were older but when I busted her in the affair she was all about realizing I was her choice and thought I was going to leave her. She was fallen over with the 'don't know what you got til its gone' thing. However, she can be mercurial. But then last night she wanted to be close and rubbed my feet simply for shoveling the driveway and was very loving. She just isn't terribly consistent yet but much better than her CONSISTENT DISTANCE. I went thru hell for a year and wont live like that forever but also want to know if she will eventually get to where she was like when we were crazy in love. I think my security, ability to provide well and companionship is the basis of her love for me where I want her heart like I had before. I need to play my cards right and need to stay patient as I can be hurt easily where thoughts and images of the affair really anger me when I feel she is just not being loving or 'in love' with me. I wish she could see my growth and let the past be the past. I have been unconditionally loyal to her although I was not always as emotionally available years ago as I should have been.

[LargoLagg]

[/b]

want to know if she will eventually get to where she was like when we were crazy in love

highly doubtful - isn't that when a person is an illusion to you? married people know way too much about each other

[40somethingGuy]

Maybe I should also ask 'what are some ways to get her to desire me more and not take what she has for granted?' Note that I want to connect. I am reading this program by Mort Fortel who says once you establish true love everything else falls into place. Well, yeah, but I need to re-establish that lost love. HOW?

[LargoLagg]

I just think you're in a bind here. For all you know, she may have hit a wall of indifference, and she's trying hard to change something she really isn't in control of either. Lots of breakups start out that way, the dumper doesn't like the way they feel, and they attempt mightily to rekindle before they ultimately get out. It's the relationship that's valuable to them, not the other one in it.

 

On the other hand, she may not have completely lost love for you, rather, she just got fed up with you and those feelings receded but never died.

 

I'm of the opinion you can't coax love out of somebody, and that once love has truly evaporated, there is no getting it back. But you know what else? The world is a big place and everybody's different. That's the real trouble with your question. You're looking for an answer for her, and she may be like me or she may be like Betty Draper or she may be somebody else.

 

I will say that her feelings were probably pretty strong for Mr. Ex if she was offering a BJ in the car before he went home. So if that's where her old flame lies, how probable is it that she can recapture that very same feeling for you? That's what you're after, right? You want her to be the girl who wants to blow you before you go in, just because she likes you that much? You want her to feel like that about you now, right?

 

That she felt that for him would be the part that would cause me a lot of doubt that it's possible for you. He was "The ONE that got away", not "One of n that got away."

 

Even if it is possible, the fact that she could feel that way for multiple former love interests (you qualify if she lost love for you) would bother me too. Who knows what other hidden feelings are lurking inside of someone like that?

 

Don't pay too much attention, I'm biased towards it can't happen. But I don't know her. You do.

Edited December 5, 2016 by LargoLagg

[Jump Through Loops]

What is 'being in love'?

[Mr. Lucky]

Maybe I should also ask 'what are some ways to get her to desire me more and not take what she has for granted?'

 

That's something you do to yourself, not to someone else. You don't ask for, you give to.

 

At some point in every relationship, love transitions from a noun - "I feel love for her" - to a verb - "I act lovingly towards her". So the only way to influence her is through your own actions, that's all you control. Her perception, response and willingness to reciprocate are all up to her.

 

Aint love grand ???

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

You know 40 I have kept up with your threads.

 

At the point that you are at now, after her affair, even though you feel that you have talked it to death, I am really feeling like SHE should be trying to CONVINCE YOU to not divorce her. Not the other way around.

 

Even though you think that episode if over, is it? Not that they are having an affair again, but her attitude towards you that allowed her to have an affair.

 

After her affair, and we can only hope that this is the only one, you are trying to get that loving feeling back. Where I am coming from is that I am not sure you are the one that should be trying.

 

Sure you should work on the marriage together, but is she? Or is the just behaving better because she almost lost her lifestyle and security of you and you provision?

 

I don't think you can MAKE someone love you in anyway, they do or they don't.

 

Let me explain what I am dealing with right now. My wife and her drug addiction, that was hidden till about 2 years ago, nearly broke me as a person. I love her, always have, but I got to a point where I did not have to be with her.

 

Once she got sober, she did not come to me apologizing and asking forgiveness for what she had done to me for 20 years. I know through some of that time she was just recovering and understanding what she had done for all those years.

 

But you know, you would think that the man that stood by her and raised 3 healthy happy kids, and supported and cared for the entire family including her, you would think that guy would have been her first concern, but I was not.

 

I stood back and I was supportive of her and her sobriety and I just waited. Finally, I decided to divorce her. She was more healthy and at this point she could take care of herself so I decided to leave.

 

So I sat her down and explained that it was time to get a divorce and I would be filing the next Monday.

 

Well, low and behold, all of a sudden out of nowhere, I instantly became the most important thing in her life. And, for the last several months I am the king of the hill.

 

So even today I wonder if she actually loves me or is she just afraid to lose me and the comfort that I provide.

 

I got to tell you, I just don't know the answer, and today I am leaning toward the "I am just a stooge to her". That whole thing goes up and down for me but for today that is how I feel.

 

Are my feelings justified? I don't know. But she has a firm understanding that SHE is the one that has to convince me to stay with her, not the other way around.

 

So I ask you, even with all the improvements that you have make in yourself, how does she act? Does she actually love YOU or does she love what you provide her? This is what you have to figure out.

 

I would say, from my experience, that if she is not doing everything that she can do to make YOU FEEL loved, there may be more issues going on than you even understand.

 

I don't know if any of that helps, I am trying to figure a lot of the same stuff myself.

[zouz71]

What is 'being in love'?

 

love is giving , caring , accepting differences , accept mistakes , loving to see your partner flying from happiness even if the thing they do is opposite to your desire.

 

My question to OP is do you really forgive her ?

is she changing really ?

 

I believe marriage is a cycle of love and hate ; when there is more love than hate , then it is worth staying .

 

I loved my wife 1000 times and hated her when she becomes selfish .

 

it is give and take , put the affair behind ; but it will be a failing story if she was able to convince you that because you were distant she cheated ,in other words , she won't cheat if you are nice to her.

 

 

 

she was selfish when she cheated , did she give up her selfishness ?

[ShatteredLady]

I'm in kind of a similar situation to you...or at least I'd get similar answers. My H should be begging me to love him & grovelling for forgiveness but he's not....

 

He has given-up a VERY lucrative career & moved back to England from the USA & we are living with my parents (since the weekend) so I guess he's sacrificed. I'm bitter, resentful, with zero selfesteem. Paranoid & horribly insecure. I don't really know much!!

 

What I do know is he cheated on me, the first time, 12 years ago. He verbally & emotionally abused me & when I started to recover I LOATHED him!! He was a monster to me. I was broken & lost. I will never be the same person BUT I know that as the years passed I did love him again. Truly, madly, deeply loved him.

 

What it took for us was utter devastation. My brother committed suicide & his mother died. We clung to each other. He was amazing when my little family was in shock. He spoke at my brothers funeral & cried. His father didn't want a "fuss" after his Mum's funeral & didn't want anyone back to the house...& then invited everyone! I organized a wake on the drive from the church & home! Truly NEEDING each other brought us back together. Getting pregnant helped too!!

 

I'm not advising you recreate my life!!

 

I'm just saying that if it was possible for me to truly love him again anythings possible!

 

Of course he went & f**ked it all up again & I don't know if I'm going to divorce him or not BUT it was beautiful for over a decade!! (Give or take the usual marriage stuff) in hindsight I don't know if it was worth it but I've got lovely kids who are my world.

[40somethingGuy]

You know 40 I have kept up with your threads.

 

At the point that you are at now, after her affair, even though you feel that you have talked it to death, I am really feeling like SHE should be trying to CONVINCE YOU to not divorce her. Not the other way around.

 

Even though you think that episode if over, is it? Not that they are having an affair again, but her attitude towards you that allowed her to have an affair.

 

After her affair, and we can only hope that this is the only one, you are trying to get that loving feeling back. Where I am coming from is that I am not sure you are the one that should be trying.

 

Sure you should work on the marriage together, but is she? Or is the just behaving better because she almost lost her lifestyle and security of you and you provision?

 

I don't think you can MAKE someone love you in anyway, they do or they don't.

 

Let me explain what I am dealing with right now. My wife and her drug addiction, that was hidden till about 2 years ago, nearly broke me as a person. I love her, always have, but I got to a point where I did not have to be with her.

 

Once she got sober, she did not come to me apologizing and asking forgiveness for what she had done to me for 20 years. I know through some of that time she was just recovering and understanding what she had done for all those years.

 

But you know, you would think that the man that stood by her and raised 3 healthy happy kids, and supported and cared for the entire family including her, you would think that guy would have been her first concern, but I was not.

 

I stood back and I was supportive of her and her sobriety and I just waited. Finally, I decided to divorce her. She was more healthy and at this point she could take care of herself so I decided to leave.

 

So I sat her down and explained that it was time to get a divorce and I would be filing the next Monday.

 

Well, low and behold, all of a sudden out of nowhere, I instantly became the most important thing in her life. And, for the last several months I am the king of the hill.

 

So even today I wonder if she actually loves me or is she just afraid to lose me and the comfort that I provide.

 

I got to tell you, I just don't know the answer, and today I am leaning toward the "I am just a stooge to her". That whole thing goes up and down for me but for today that is how I feel.

 

Are my feelings justified? I don't know. But she has a firm understanding that SHE is the one that has to convince me to stay with her, not the other way around.

 

So I ask you, even with all the improvements that you have make in yourself, how does she act? Does she actually love YOU or does she love what you provide her? This is what you have to figure out.

 

I would say, from my experience, that if she is not doing everything that she can do to make YOU FEEL loved, there may be more issues going on than you even understand.

 

I don't know if any of that helps, I am trying to figure a lot of the same stuff myself.

Thank you for this and all the other thoughtful posts. I am trying to make thoughtful decisions and this helps. When the affair happened and I caught her she was distraught for hurting me and getting caught no doubt. She was humiliated like I never seen her before and being exposed as a cheater was difficult for her. She did tell me that she never expected to get caught, never considered really what the end game would be, and was just looking for a distraction. She was prepared to take this to the grave (which is concerning to me to be honest). She was going through a very rough patch at work and can be a mess when things at work don't go smooth. I established a dialogue with the OM and he told me the same- that she never once expressed dissatisfaction towards me just that she was looking for a distraction. I actually saw in the text string her telling him that she would never leave me and never wanted to do anything to break us (but then agreed to a PA which he put the brakes on before it really got started). He did say that back in the day (1995-2000 on and off) she was always super aggressive towards pursuing him but they never were nothing more than on again- off again FWBs. She was kind of known to be 'easy' back in the day before meeting me (CSA victim) and she told me that she should have been more open about her past with me but didn't want to scare me off. I know I will come off as naïve here but I am 99% certain she never cheated on me before and he was kind of the one off exception given her extreme attraction that came back after all these years. She swears she is over him and he told me that twice she saw him driving in the neighborhood and never waved or gave any emotion. When I busted her and saw the horrible texts I couldn't believe that the woman I have been with for 12 years could talk like that and pursue a married man with 3 kids (one of his kids is in our son's class). To put our family in peril like that truly made me sick to my stomach for a long time.

 

 

What is odd is that the OM gave me advise on what makes my wife tick. They talked about tons of things sexually (everything under the sun including S&M) and I guess I have been hurt that she is not interested in truly spicing up our love life. A year ago when we would have sex she'd be dry and almost mean. She was in a mid life crisis and I guess thought she would push me away and see if that would take care of her crisis. Today, we are closer. When we have sex I consistently can give her 1-2 orgasms and she is wet. But it is the more standard stuff and I hate that she can express stuff to the OM and not me. I have no doubt that the stability, ability to provide, and the fact that I give a good family life to my kids is the basis behind her love for me before anything else. I am looking to build from that.

 

 

2 things that give me some optimism- one week ago was our son's first Reconciliation (catholic) and the OM and his daughter were there as she was making hers as well. The church was set up with confessionals along the perimeter of the church with a line forming about 7-8 feet away in front of each confessional. No curtain so I was able to hear my wife give her confession and read lips and she did indeed confess the affair to the priest. I gained some respect for her there and it told me that hurting me and what she did was wrong and she fully understood it. She told me many times that hurting me was the worst of it all. Later that night the OM sent me a note on FB telling me he also confessed the affair and it brought him to tears. The 2nd thing that gives me some optimism is that she told me over the weekend she was 'very hopeful' on our future. Given she told me a year ago we were 'hopeless' (blaming me for living basically when I knew it was her and not so much me specially). It is not where I wish we were but it is much closer than where we were.

 

 

I am taking the Mort Fertel 'Marriage Fitness' course and just started. One thing he covered that I have read was that you need to set your problems aside and take action (kind of like what was said above). I do not want things to be like they were rather if I have to live with recovering from infidelity then I want us to grow and learn to be great. Part of my problem is impatience. I really just realize now what it takes and I don't want to waste prime years waiting. Yet, Mort Fertel said that it took years to get in this mess and it will take time to get out. Put problems aside, take action. Don't express your problems as they will often be counter productive and may push her away. One thing is that my wife HATES to talk about relationship issues so it may be good advice for me. I will say that I am much more self aware today and I am into protecting the relationship. Before, I was more worried about lifes distractions like bills, retirement, kid logistics, and sports and less about what ultimately mattered in the 1st place. I have grown a lot and help out more. Sunday night she told me she wanted to rub my feet because I shoveled the driveway. So, things are better but I am determined to get to great. Anything that can help me get there faster would be appreciated. I do think if I told her I wanted a divorce she would be devastated but probably for the loss of companionship and stability as she has no family at all to speak of. At the end of the day, there is improvement but I just want to make sure I am handing my situation right and weighing all the factors. I also do realize that if I divorce her my life will not necessarily be better and maybe I find the best woman for me or at least an upgrade but could be a downgrade too. For sure financially it would be a hit. The worst thing is that I could have worked and handled anything with her so long as infidelity was not a factor. Now that it entered into our relationship it is like 'we will be great or maybe its not worth it.' It hasn't yet necessarily been the kill shot to our marriage but its impossible to feel and see her the same. I have many competing and conflicting thoughts.

Edited December 6, 2016 by 40somethingGuy

[BluesPower]

Here is what I am talking about. (Whether I am right or wrong I am going to talk plainly, OK)

 

As just one example for now: For whatever reason, she really does not want to spice up your sex life. Why is that? While there could be multiple reasons, one of them is she does not love you. In side her head maybe you are not worth the trouble. Who knows but that is a huge issue whether you know it or not.

 

After infidelity, she should be bending over backwards to please you in every way. Most of all sexually. She should want you to never doubt her and never want you to go somewhere else for that. Is she doing that? NO!!!

 

Here is the other thing. Has she found material online or at the bookstore to work on the marriage. Is she going to therapy to learn how to talk about relationships with you. I am guessing that the answer to these questions are also no.

 

See, you are doing all the work to get over HER infidelity. That is just wrong in every way. She is the one that has to grow and if she can't or won't, you cannot make her.

 

You can be the model husband and lover and if she cannot love you the way you want to be loved, why stay?

 

I am not telling you to divorce and I am not telling you not to. What I hope to get across is the your wife should be leading this work on the marriage and that shows where her attitude is.

 

You should know that I have been with a lot of women the last few years when my wife's addiction was at its height,or depth, and frankly I have no guilt what so ever about it. I have told her about everything I have done, and do you think it bothers her now that she is sober? Not one bit. Why is that?

 

The only thing I can think of is that she does not, has not and will not love me, ever. That is the only thing I can come up with. As long as I am paying the bills and giving her a few O's 2 or 3 times a week, I don't think that she cares one bit. I think she cares only if the gravy train leaves.

 

If I am right about how I feel, why would I even think about staying with her after wasting 26 years already?

 

I am not even saying that your situation is as bad as I perceive mine to be. But I am saying that I would hate to see someone stay in a marriage with a women that really does not love them just because we love that woman. If they don't love us back, what is the point?

[Cephalopod]

If you are still doing so, quit talking to the OM. He's the guy who screwed your wife and helped destroy your marriage. Good grief.

[40somethingGuy]

If you are still doing so, quit talking to the OM. He's the guy who screwed your wife and helped destroy your marriage. Good grief.

 

I have not talked to him for a long time and he didn't screw my wife. HE NOT SHE put the brakes on the physical side. They met to get physical but he got cold feet and said he couldn't. Really sucks to realize he was more loyal to me (met a few times b4) than my own da*n wife.

[Jump Through Loops]

love is giving , caring , accepting differences , accept mistakes , loving to see your partner flying from happiness even if the thing they do is opposite to your desire.

 

Thank you for your interpretation of what love is, but I was asking what 'being in love' is. For example, 'I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you'.

 

Falling in love, being in love, love, true love. Which one is more important and what does each one actually mean. Which one is more powerful, more desirable.

 

We're all different and no doubt have our own degree of individual interpretation/understanding of what the above all means. Does the OP? If not, then this is his starting point in finding answers.