His ex

[Phantomlady]

So I am seeing this man but I am already having doubts.

He seems too involved with his ex.

They were never married but they share a child together. This "child" is now 22.

It's a very strange(in my opinion) relationship with the three of them.

They almost seem like they are still a family. They text each other and if the 22 year old has a fight with one of them, they other one get's involved and they either try to help or they all fight together.

If the 22 year old is not answering texts, they will text each other to see if the other one knows why, and so on.

If there is anything going on in each other's lives, they all know about it, and they stay in contact and let each other know.

He has told me that he is only keeping in contact with his ex to this degree because of the "child", although I find it strange because this is an adult now and it seems to me that he has no need to stay this close to his ex to this degree.

We have had problems because of it.

I tell him that I am not comfortable with how he stays so in touch with the ex and how he runs to her whenever he can and almost uses the excuse of their child, in order to contact her, or visa versa.

He assures me that it is strictly for the child and no other reason. Though I have a really uneasy feeling about it.

They both seem to baby the 22 year old, so the child isn't the most mature.

I obviously realise that parents have to stay in contact to some degree when they share a child, but when the child is 22?? And it seems as though they stay in contact far more than what is necessary.

Would anyone else have a problem with this, or am I just overthinking it?

I have already told him that maybe it's not worth us continuing as I am not comfortable with him and his ex and feel like a third wheel.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Phantomlady
typo

[dumbass2]

Have you met the "child" and the ex?

 

You absolutely should feel the way you do. Unless the 22 yr old has a disability in someway, then I don't think he should be in constant contact like you say he is. If this is a deal breaker for you, you should just break it off with him because you have told him that it makes you uncomfortable and he has done nothing about it. You can't really tell him how to raise his "child". Something is off with that.

[Phantomlady]

Yes, I agree that something is off with that.

No the child does not have a disability and my thoughts exactly, if they aren't bad off like that, this type of babying and them texting one another is just strange at this age.

I also don't understand why they text each other if they can't get a hold of the kid, who does that when the kid is 22?

And why do they all get involved if one of them is fighting with the kid or all stay this close?

It's so whacked...all of it. I have literally told him that they should just consider being back together seeing as they play house like this, but he said he is not interested.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Phantomlady

[smackie9]

It doesn't matter if the kid is 2 or 22, they will always be a family unit even tho relationship wise they have moved on.

 

What I see is the kid is purposely playing them against each other or manipulating the situation, starting fights for the attention and to make sure they do keep in contact.

 

This is not appropriate to you? Then just end the relationship.

[Phantomlady]

Would you find it appropriate Smackie? Would you date someone who kept the "family unit" going to this degree?

[Raena]

How often is this kind of contact happening?

 

I can understand your concern, especially if all this continued contact is interfering in your relationship, but I don't see how it will change. At 22, there shouldn't be this much contact between the parents unless there is a reason for it. By that I mean emergencies or serious issues, not everyday issues or issues with one parent having an argument with the child. It seems like there is an odd dynamic between the 3 of them that has probably been going on for years.

 

You aren't going to change this dynamic so you either accept it or move on.

 

Their relationship sounds very dysfunctional to me. I know when I was 22 I didn't want my mother that involved in my every day life... I can't imagine why this 22 year old would want it either.

[smackie9]

Would you find it appropriate Smackie? Would you date someone who kept the "family unit" going to this degree?

I would be more apt to accept a man that is in good standing with his ex, them as friends, rather than hostile. If she accepts me, I would be OK with everyone being together for holidays and celebrations as long I was there too. I totally understand you don't stop being parents, and good communication is needed.

 

My issue would be the drama this kid creates between them. That I wouldn't tolerate.

 

It's possible over time everyone will move on and focus on other things. I guess at this point old habits are hard to break.

 

So I wouldn't date someone that had a bratty kid that caused all kinds of drama. The ex here isn't the issue.......

[Sunkissedpatio]

It doesn't matter if the kid is 2 or 22, they will always be a family unit even tho relationship wise they have moved on.

 

What I see is the kid is purposely playing them against each other or manipulating the situation, starting fights for the attention and to make sure they do keep in contact.

 

This is not appropriate to you? Then just end the relationship.

 

These are my thoughts exactly!

 

I see that that this girl is manipulating her parents and causing them to fight for her and each other. Kids of divorced/separated parents sometimes pull these kinds of things for attention and to get their way. Yes she is 22 but they are still her parents.

 

I think you might be overlooking the dynamic because you are too close to the issue yourself. If you were witnessing inappropriate communication between the ex and your partner that is one thing but I don't see that in what you posted.

 

I was with a divorced man who hated his ex because she had alienated his kids from him. I begged him to be the bigger person and re-open that channel with the kids and to bite the bullet and try to have a reasonable friendly interaction with his ex for that sake of his relationship with his kids.

 

I dunnow, you have to respect a man who is willing to go out of his way to remain friendly with his ex for the sake of their child.

 

Are you free to give examples of this to gain more context?

 

And it seems as though they stay in contact far more than what is necessary.

 

the plus side is she is 22, it can't go on for much longer since she will be a full independent adult sooner than later.

[bachdude]

I think some parents feel guilty for the divorce and try to resemble a family unit as much as possible for the sake of their child. I wonder if that is what is going on here.

[Phantomlady]

Here's an example.

He had a friend who was in the hospital and in dire condition.

The kid had heard about it, told the ex about it, and they were both phoning him and both wanting to know if they should all go together to see this friend seeing as they had all met in the past.

I got upset then too because I asked him why they all wanted to go together when it was HIS friend.

 

All three of them were meeting for coffee together as well, a few times a month. He didn't tell me about it because he thought I wouldn't like it, which I really didn't.

But they would all meet and visit for an hour or so.

 

Also, whatever is going on in his life,the kid will go tell the ex, or the kid will tell him about the ex's life.

Then he and the ex will phone each other and discuss things at length.

Even if the kid hadn't said anything, they will still keep tabs on each other as to what's going on with each other. She even knew when we first started dating, and he showed her my pic!

I though it odd then, but it's like they both want to stay close to one another and their kid is only part of the equation, like I said, keeping the family unit tight knit, far too tight knit for me to be comfortable with.

 

And they were never married.

 

If he goes on vacation anywhere, she knows, if he starts a new job, she knows, if he is having personal problems, she knows.

He says the kid tells her everything, but he doesn't stop it and he seems to like that they both know to this degree what is going on with one another.

I seriously question why they don't just get back together, although he says he's not interested. But obviously, they all want to stay close all the same.

And yes the kid is bratty. Starts fights with the one parent, runs to the other parents place, will ignore the parent they're fighting with phone calls, so that the one parent is calling like crazy and then the kid fights with the parent whos house they ran to. Eventually, all three of them are yelling and screaming with one another, this is a 22 year old!!

The kid is demanding and lives with one or the other parent. Has no actual bills of their own, does not do housework or their own laundry.

All of it is a mess. And if any of you women say you'd be okay walking into all of this and sitting in the middle of it and being fine with it, I can't see it. Who would be okay with this kind of insanity?

I care for him, but the dynamic is so messed up and he allows it and does nothing to change any of it.

Edited December 5, 2016 by Phantomlady

[darkmoon]

I have a mild suspicion of their agenda, based on the way they do not include you in their trio meetings, it is as if she might want him back, and angles for it.

 

Who left who when they spiit? Who gave who the go-by? I do not believe in mutual finishes, somebody suggested it first, said it first.

 

Quietly date others, do not get caught up in the drama if the exclusion continues.

Edited December 5, 2016 by darkmoon

[CupCakess]

It is his family. He is entitled to have the relationship he chooses to with them, in any way he wants. He and his ex may not be together, but they might have a friendly relationship.

 

Also, you refer to his son/daughter as "the child" and you seem to have anger for the way they spoil him. You should understand that that "child" is supposed to be more important for him than you will ever be, you will never change that. And that is because he is a good guy.

 

Honestly you should break-up with him, and let him be with a person that actually understands what a family means.

 

The way you describe this man, he seems to be a great guy. If more guys were like him, paying attention to family, the world would be a much better place.

Edited December 5, 2016 by CupCakess

[Lorenza]

Wish my divorced parents were in such good contact. I would definitely love to meet both for them for coffee once in a while.

 

It's a good thing your guy prioritizes his child and that he/she is still the most important person in his life. 22 is not that much, many people are still quite immature at that age, so probably his/her needs and brattiness will reduce as years go by.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ya I change my mind, now that you shared concrete examples there is definitely something wrong with that picture.

 

I'm not sure how long you have been together but that bit about going to see the friend in the hospital there is no need for the ex to insist on going with him. If she wants to visit the friend do it on your own time, she doesn't need to make it a "family" outing that's nonsense. Or you should go with him and they can meet you guys there.

 

I also don't adhere to this philosophy that the new partner will never be as important as the children. It's up to the person with the kids to make their partner an equal priority so bull**** on that. And it looks like this guy is having a hard time putting his foot down. He could be a bit spineless or maybe the ex is wanting him back and he is definitely enjoying the attention.

 

The coffee dates between the three of them? Is that necessary? No it isn't. And that kid seems like a pain in the butt. She is doing things to purposely sabotage him in his new relationship for self-serving reasons and quite frankly it sounds like maybe the ex knows EVERYTHING about you guys. That's inevitable when you have a partner with kids, whatever they see in your home is going back to the mother, guaranteed.

 

Why did they split, who left whom? If your guy doesn't set some boundaries then he may not be the guy for you. He may not be the guy for any woman for that matter.

 

You're right this isn't acceptable.

[CupCakess]

I also don't adhere to this philosophy that the new partner will never be as important as the children. It's up to the person with the kids to make their partner an equal priority so bull**** on that.

 

Men treat their kids differently, and there are men that may make their partners an equal priority. Some ignore their kids all together. Some never meet their children and just run away -

 

Great men, always make kids their priority. Family always comes first.

 

Sure, if a women wants someone that makes her an equal priority to his children, there are plenty of average men in the sea.

Edited December 5, 2016 by CupCakess

[Raena]

I get where people are coming from in saying that he's being a good father and doing the right thing by getting along with his ex but this is too much.

 

The child is 22, why doesn't she have a job and a place of her own rather than still living back and forth between her parent's homes? She sounds like a spoiled brat to me and she is most certainly causing all this drama for a reason. She likes the attention or she wants her parents back together or something. Whatever the reason, she's behaving like a 12 year old, not a 22 year old.

 

They are behaving like best friends not exes. I can see where this would be upsetting to you. His ex is basically an interloper in your relationship with him. If you complain, it makes you look jealous. But it you allow it, then it will continue to cause issue in your relationship with him.

 

Personally, I would walk away from this mess. Like I said in my other post... this isn't going to change. This dynamic between them has likely been going on for a long time and it won't change. Nothing you can say will change it.

 

Also, I don't agree that the child should "come first" in his relationships either. You should not be made to feel like you are second to his daughter or his ex. He needs to be able to make you feel special too. It seems to me that he's allowing his ex and his daughter to sap all of his resources (time and energy) which probably doesn't leave a lot of time for you two.

[CupCakess]

I get where people are coming from in saying that he's being a good father and doing the right thing by getting along with his ex but this is too much.

 

The child is 22, why doesn't she have a job and a place of her own rather than still living back and forth between her parent's homes? She sounds like a spoiled brat to me and she is most certainly causing all this drama for a reason. She likes the attention or she wants her parents back together or something. Whatever the reason, she's behaving like a 12 year old, not a 22 year old.

 

They are behaving like best friends not exes. I can see where this would be upsetting to you. His ex is basically an interloper in your relationship with him. If you complain, it makes you look jealous. But it you allow it, then it will continue to cause issue in your relationship with him.

 

Yeah but the whole subject of the "child" being a brat is kind of biased if you ask me. I mean the OP is referring to him/her as a "child" or kid. It is more than evident that she is jelous os resents him.

 

She uses the word child to showcase that we are talking about an immature person (which in itself is an immature tactic), and yet we don't really have any proof that things are as bad as she claims they are. To me it seems that she resents the kid more than the ex, because 90% of the conversation steered on how the kid made things bad for her.

 

As far as we are concerned, the ex might have slight contact with him, and merely update each other on their mutual lives (which is reasonable), and the OP blows it out of proportion. Personally, nothing she mentioned seems strange for parents that get along, but it does seem she stresses on the tiny aspects of those examples, like the fact that the kid "manipulates them", disregarding the fact that this is common for a lot of kids from divorced couples. She certainly blames the kid rather than the mother for this, and is clearly resentfull of it.

Edited December 5, 2016 by CupCakess

[MJJean]

It doesn't matter if the kid is 2 or 22, they will always be a family unit even tho relationship wise they have moved on.

 

Where do people get these ideas?? Separation/divorce means the couple are no longer a "family unit". That's why they call it a "broken home" or a "broken family".

 

ExA detaches and forms a family unit with their child(ren) and possibly a new partner. ExB detaches and forms a different family unit with the child(ren) and possibly a new partner. These two new family units will live separately, have their own traditions, rituals, routines, and beliefs separate from their co-parent and his or her family.

 

This "child" has been an adult for 4 years and counting. If this man and his ex are still in each others pockets after this long, it ain't likely to change. Any woman or man dating either of them would feel more like an OW/OM than a partner. I say RUUUN!

 

Also, I feel for their son. Poor lad is 22 and his parents still haven't cut the apron strings.

[Phantomlady]

Cupcakes, wrong.

I do agree as well that parents should always remain close to their children at any age.

That is not my problem what so ever.

My problem is how he stays close to the ex and how it goes further than it should.

I refer to their child as the child because how else do I refer to them? The person whom they created? It's too much to write, lol. And I don't want to mention if it's a son or daughter or their name.

What I have a problem with is how he keeps involving the ex when there is no reason to, or how the ex seems to think she can walk into his life whenever she pleases and still knows all about his life, to this degree. It doesn't leave much room for a new relationship to blossom.

 

I don't enjoy how the child, the person they share together? lol seems to keep this dynamic going either, when they are 22. None of it seems healthy nor right.

Incidentally, I have dated men with children and ex's before. We did all get along, but the ex had their life and their relationship and the man had his.

No weird boundaries were crossed like this one, nor did I hear or see any of them all fighting together or hanging out together or keeping tabs on each other to this degree.

I do feel that obviously to a certain extent that it still makes sense, but this is really way beyond what I have ever seen or would consider normal without it bordering on the ex and the man crossing boundaries and maybe should consider being back together, for all involved seeing as no one wants it less than it is.

I only want fairness and how is this fair? They are still living a family unit that goes well beyond the norm.

Do I resent the child? I don't appreciate that they are still being so bratty at this age and yes at times it can hinder our relationship, but kids are kids and it's how it goes sometimes.

I don't expect for me to be as important or more important. That's his kid and he needs to do what he has to do as a father first, but he does not need to be bringing the ex in to it like he does and they all play house together.

THAT'S the problem I have.

[CupCakess]

Cupcakes, wrong.

I do agree as well that parents should always remain close to their children at any age.

That is not my problem what so ever.

My problem is how he stays close to the ex and how it goes further than it should.

I refer to their child as the child because how else do I refer to them? The person whom they created? It's too much to write, lol. And I don't want to mention if it's a son or daughter or their name.

What I have a problem with is how he keeps involving the ex when there is no reason to, or how the ex seems to think she can walk into his life whenever she pleases and still knows all about his life, to this degree. It doesn't leave much room for a new relationship to blossom.

 

Whats wrong with her knowing about his personal life? His money, his health, etc are all concerns for her son/daugther's life. The same goes around for her life, if something was to happen to her it would affect his children. And if they are friends, whats wrong about that?

 

Problem is that you can't seem to accept he is close to his ex in a friendly way. And it bothers you. But just because it bothers you, doesn't mean it is weird. A lot of people manage to sustain friendships after breaking up.

 

I personally do not consider any of your statements about what he did to be unreasonable. He has known the woman for over 22 years, and probably has had this relationship with her for a longer time than that. He is supposed not be close to someone he has known his entire life? Seems unrealistic. Just because 2 people are no longer in a relationship, doesn't imply they don't care for each other in a platonic way, or consider each other family. To him, she is family.

 

I don't enjoy how the child, the person they share together? lol seems to keep this dynamic going either, when they are 22. None of it seems healthy nor right.

Incidentally, I have dated men with children and ex's before. We did all get along, but the ex had their life and their relationship and the man had his.

No weird boundaries were crossed like this one, nor did I hear or see any of them all fighting together or hanging out together or keeping tabs on each other to this degree.

I do feel that obviously to a certain extent that it still makes sense, but this is really way beyond what I have ever seen or would consider normal without it bordering on the ex and the man crossing boundaries and maybe should consider being back together, for all involved seeing as no one wants it less than it is.

I only want fairness and how is this fair? They are still living a family unit that goes well beyond the norm.

Do I resent the child? I don't appreciate that they are still being so bratty at this age and yes at times it can hinder our relationship, but kids are kids and it's how it goes sometimes.

I don't expect for me to be as important or more important. That's his kid and he needs to do what he has to do as a father first, but he does not need to be bringing the ex in to it like he does and they all play house together.

THAT'S the problem I have.

 

It is not about being fair to you, never was, never will be. He's known her for over 22 years, and has a family with her for that long. How long have you been dating him? In the way you described the situation, it seems not too long. SO he is supposed to re-arrange his entire life for someone new? He will not change it, nor does he have to.

 

You can dump him, and move on to another guy whose situation does not displease you, but I don't think you are in any position at all as to demand him to change the way he approaches his family.

 

Here you are blaming the kid for keeping them together. Thats already not a good thing. Sure blame the kid for wanting to keep both his relatives in perpetual harmony: what an ugly and malevolent child that must be.

 

Most of the stuff you mentioned seem to be over-reactions regarding his relationship with his ex. And he doesn't seem to have done anything wrong, in fact, the way he handles his relationship to his ex is commendable. More couples should act that way.

 

PS: you can call the child "him" or "her", adressing him as "the child" is demonizing him to make him look like a brat; he is an adult.

Edited December 5, 2016 by CupCakess

[Phantomlady]

Wow cupcakes, sounds as though you are taking this very personal.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, it's always good to hear all opinions, but I disagree with you.

Thanks.

[CupCakess]

Wow cupcakes, sounds as though you are taking this very personal.

Thank you for taking the time to respond, it's always good to hear all opinions, but I disagree with you.

Thanks.

 

Its not personal, its just I can hardly believe someone feels entitled to change other persons lifestyle of over 20 years, because they've been dating for a few months. And considering its not a bad quality, makes it quite absurd.

[Phantomlady]

Again, thanks for you opinion, everyone has one, but I do not agree with you.

[VeveCakes]

This is interesting because my friends parents do the same thing (shes 30!!!) and it actually drives her nuts. It probably drives their kid nuts too.

 

Her dad will text her mom any gossip they hear about my friend and vice versa. My friend was having this relationship problem and confided in her mom for comfort. Next thing she knows her dad is calling her and trying to control her after hearing about relationship thing (he dislikes the guy). My friend cut them both off and told them until they stop running to each other about her life she isn't going to talk to either of them.

 

So the kid may not be enjoying this themselves. It is sometimes the parents way of maintaining control over their child.

[MJJean]

Whats wrong with her knowing about his personal life? His money, his health, etc are all concerns for her son/daugther's life.

 

I personally do not consider any of your statements about what he did to be unreasonable. He has known the woman for over 22 years, and probably has had this relationship with her for a longer time than that. He is supposed not be close to someone he has known his entire life? Seems unrealistic.

 

It is not about being fair to you, never was, never will be. He's known her for over 22 years, and has a family with her for that long. How long have you been dating him? In the way you described the situation, it seems not too long. SO he is supposed to re-arrange his entire life for someone new? He will not change it, nor does he have to.

 

 

[/i]Most of the stuff you mentioned seem to be over-reactions regarding his relationship with his ex. And he doesn't seem to have done anything wrong, in fact, the way he handles his relationship to his ex is commendable. More couples should act that way.

 

There is a very big difference between being made aware of a serious threat to the health, safety, or financial future of a shared child and personal conversations, sharing details of day to day life, etc. Especially when the "child" is grown and should be navigating his life and parental relationships as an independent, fully functioning, adult.

 

I don't think it's unrealistic or unreasonable to expect a person who has ended a relationship, no matter the duration, to actually end the relationship. Co-parenting is one thing, this is personal.

 

Dating is a time to discern compatibility and suitability as long term partners. One naturally begins to think of the future. Looking at the situation, staying in a relationship with this man would mean accepting his close ties to another woman (most of the time we'd call his relationship with his ex an EA) and also involves a loss of personal privacy and being what basically amounts to a 2nd class citizen because this man and his ex have failed to detach.

 

You're right. It's not about OP and it never will be. It's about this guy and his ex and it likely always will be.

 

OP, throw this fish back and find one that isn't still so ridiculously attached to an ex.