Author Girlfromcali Posted February 7, 2017 Author Posted February 7, 2017 I was going to go to therapy but then I started feeling so good. I thought I was moving forward. I don't understand why these relapses happen? I don't talk to him anymore.
freengreen Posted February 7, 2017 Posted February 7, 2017 (edited) I have seen my OMs old flirting texts to another women, atleast 4 at the same time, he was still married then. Why did i see?.. well i must admit i did stalk him for a week when the NC first happened. I felt the same, how could I make myself so weak. These people are players. They know how exactly to bring tge toughest guards down. What to say when to say and how to groom. I wonder sometimes, If my OM could bring my guards down, he must have done it with a lot of women. They feed on ego. You were vulnarable, but its not all you. Be kind to yourself.. Make peace. Now you know. He will continue filling places thou. Takecare. Edited February 7, 2017 by freengreen
Author Girlfromcali Posted February 9, 2017 Author Posted February 9, 2017 Thank you Bailey and Ferngreen. I appreciate your help. I have these set backs still where I feel sinking to the abyss again, but I recover from these episodes much quicker now. However, when the set back happens, I come here and vent. This is the longest NC I've had I think. I have no interest in talking to him.
heartwhole Posted February 9, 2017 Posted February 9, 2017 I'm sorry you're struggling. Why not book that therapy now? You can explore those issues from your childhood and faulty coping mechanisms that you mentioned. IC will help you put more tools in your toolbox for coping and thriving.
Author Girlfromcali Posted February 18, 2017 Author Posted February 18, 2017 Yes, therapy is the answer Thank you always reminding me. I have read the word "limerence" here but didn't know what it means. I googled it and it made me very happy because it made me think I'm not going "crazy", and that I'm suffering from something that has a name. My healing is getting better because the object of my obsession does not respond even when I try break NC. It's weird but I feel thankful towards him for doing it. When I tried to reach out, it didn't make me feel bad at all. Then I read about limerence and it gave me hope, because it said that you get out of it by getting desensitized if the limerent object doesn't reciprocate. That made me happy. I feel hopeful
AlmostFamous Posted February 18, 2017 Posted February 18, 2017 I don't think you can go wrong by going to counseling. There are some very good therapist out there that can really make a difference. I hope you seek counseling so you can heal. Good luck,I wish you well.
paradoxx Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 How you are feeling is exactly what I fear. Ending it was obviously the right thing to do, but how you describe feeling over a year afterwards scares me. I have not found the courage to end my affair because of the feeling of desire that is missing in my life and my fear of losing that when I let go of my AP. Now, I am encouraged by other responses here that seem to have recovered and I hope you can get there too. I hope things will get better once you remove the limited contact with your AP and start IC. Best wishes.
Life lessons Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 I understand how both of you feel completly. It changes you. You can't just go back to normal life after. Normal relationships just seem like they won't cut it. I will never have another A but I do miss the intense passion and pleasure while doing it. Yes, it's like an addiction! So difficult to break! A beautiful beautiful fantasy!
Author Girlfromcali Posted February 19, 2017 Author Posted February 19, 2017 How you are feeling is exactly what I fear. Ending it was obviously the right thing to do, but how you describe feeling over a year afterwards scares me. I have not found the courage to end my affair because of the feeling of desire that is missing in my life and my fear of losing that when I let go of my AP. Now, I am encouraged by other responses here that seem to have recovered and I hope you can get there too. I hope things will get better once you remove the limited contact with your AP and start IC. Best wishes. Thank you. It's like a drug addiction, yes you probably wouldn't find anything to replace crack either. However, what sucks is that you look back and realize how many years of your life you have wasted. That is another level of depression right there. I hope you keep reading the stories here and keep coming back even if you are not ready to give up your addiction. Best wishes also to you. 2
Lady2163 Posted February 19, 2017 Posted February 19, 2017 Do some research on ACOA, adult children of alcoholics. It could be an eye opener for you. Yes therapy/counseling will help. It is work to change, a lot of work. But it can give you coping skills. I grudgingly admit I have some trauma and abuse from my childhood. I was seduced by my very married boss when I was in my early teens. He played a lot of mind games and manipulated me. It's a gift that keeps on giving, since on one hand I'm a kind and generous person, but on the other hand I have no regrets, no remorse for the seven years I was a single OW (as an adult). Chester the molester subtly rewrote my moral compass and I've never been able to repair it. I'm still able to be loyal to friends and boyfriends. It took almost 30 years before a lightbulb finally went off. Now, honestly I haven't had a relationship since I ended things with MM 3 years ago, but I'm very rarely pitiful and desperate. The lightbulb that went off for me was just a moment where I truly, honestly realized I did deserve more than the breadcrumbs I was getting from MM, high maintenance friends and neglectful family members. I was sort of able to identify the absolute minimum of what I was willing to accept from them and when they didn't meet my minimum expectations, I distanced myself. MM was a bit of a different case, but that's irrelevant right now. 1
Author Girlfromcali Posted February 21, 2017 Author Posted February 21, 2017 Do some research on ACOA, adult children of alcoholics. It could be an eye opener for you. Yes therapy/counseling will help. It is work to change, a lot of work. But it can give you coping skills. I grudgingly admit I have some trauma and abuse from my childhood. I was seduced by my very married boss when I was in my early teens. He played a lot of mind games and manipulated me. It's a gift that keeps on giving, since on one hand I'm a kind and generous person, but on the other hand I have no regrets, no remorse for the seven years I was a single OW (as an adult). Chester the molester subtly rewrote my moral compass and I've never been able to repair it. I'm still able to be loyal to friends and boyfriends. It took almost 30 years before a lightbulb finally went off. Now, honestly I haven't had a relationship since I ended things with MM 3 years ago, but I'm very rarely pitiful and desperate. The lightbulb that went off for me was just a moment where I truly, honestly realized I did deserve more than the breadcrumbs I was getting from MM, high maintenance friends and neglectful family members. I was sort of able to identify the absolute minimum of what I was willing to accept from them and when they didn't meet my minimum expectations, I distanced myself. MM was a bit of a different case, but that's irrelevant right now. I think I'm a bit different because my trauma made me very angry. I don't trust anyone, I push people away. I want to protect myself from getting hurt so I act very mean to people. I want them to leave me. I was also bullied as a kid, and I was always trying to get people to want me and love me, whether it was the other kids or my dad or even my brother. So, because of that, when I grew up, I don't want to let anyone close. Well, MM was different because he didn't care I acted horribly and tried to push him away. He didn't have anything to lose, I mean it's not like he was going to marry me or anything. And besides, me throwing tantrums just proved to him that I cared about him. So, as long as I didn't hurt his narcissism, he was okay. It was just an annoyance that I wouldn't act like a proper mistress. However, I'm smart. So I did know to hurt his narcissism in a way that I knew was too much for his ego to take. I knew the right buttons to push to make him back down. It happened pretty quickly. The A was very intense but shortlived. The thing that bothers me more than anything is the aftermath that seems to be disproportionate to the actual A. 1
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