Emotional Affair Just Became Physical

[ShatteredLady]

Do you HONESTLY believe that he's a 'nice guy' with feelings? Do you believe that he knows what love is? Are you sure that he's not being a shallow looser who just wants a bit on the side?

 

If you have answered "Yes!" to any of those points then he is putting his wife through hell! He is hating himself for what he's done & is doing. How can a 'nice guy' be grooming you for an affair (falling in love, breaking his vows) AND going home to his family & lying ruthlessly?

 

You are destroying lives. I know it doesn't feel like that most of the time. You're not innocents who have fallen in love. People pray for death because of this! People like my brother take their lives. What's so innocent about all of that?

 

Of course you felt guilty! How can a person with feelings not?

 

You need to get away from this nightmare. I'm not in a place where I can be a sobbing wreck so I won't go into my story or why I'm now living in a different country with my family having given-up everything I've worked my whole life for.

[FoundMyStrength]

I still refuse to believe he is using me as he has been so good to me. However, I'm starting to wonder how this can possibly end any way other than badly.

 

I also believe this about my xMM. I don't think he ever intentionally set out to use me. I think he was at a low point in his life (or his marriage, or both), and I think what we had made him feel really happy and confident and good about himself. But I also think he never really had any intention of leaving his wife, despite overwhelming me with his future faking and what-ifs. I think he felt confused and stuck between two women and, in the end, wanted to have me on the side as an emotional add-on.

 

But in the end -- isn't asking someone you supposedly love and respect to be a side piece just another way of using them? It may be because they're confused, it may be unintentional. But it's still using us. The truth is they don't want to have to make a hard, difficult choice. When it comes down to it, they'd rather us feel pain than themselves (or their wives).

[BluesPower]

As you read more you will understand...

 

And I realize that it is hard to believe that he is just using you and just wants to have sex with you.

 

It is however true. You will learn more as time goes by, and later you will be like many of the ladies here the write: Yes guys, you were right. He will never leave her, I never meant anything to him. Yes he was just using me for sex. Everything he said is a lie.

 

I hope that you may take everyone's advice and understand that you are in way over your head and you need to get out.

 

Keep posting...

[Birdies]

And maybe he really does love you, and he's a decent guy who's making some very poor decisions during a hard time in his life, and you two would be perfect life partners if circumstances were different. I believe that 100% about my own former situation.

 

IT DOESN'T MATTER. He's married and he has said he has no intention of leaving his wife. So it's going to end very, very badly for you no matter whether you guys have true love or not.

[aileD]

You can't be friends with him because that's would be disrespectful to his wife.

 

True friends make you a part of every aspect of their life. If he's not sharing his friendship with you with his wife then he's not a friend.

 

And if you are a true friend to him you won't jeopardize his marriage--and the mere act of you being around him jeopardizes it.

[Darren Steez]

No work phones or company time. Honestly last night was the first time we met outside of work or a work function. We are good friends though and people at work know this and there have been rumors about us but we always laughed them off because we knew we were 'just friends' and not doing anything wrong. This is part of why I feel so horrible today. I've lost the ability to say that.

 

Is he a good friend to the wife he's cheating on? This incredible friendship that now includes sex..so it is not a friendship because you both knew this was headed towards where it went..you're both adults.

 

So first, admit you're not as naive as you make yourself out to be, and that he is not the "good friend" you say he is, because obviously he just gave you the we can be friends or we can continue to have sex.

 

He's not leaving his wife, he's getting sex. The only one who loses in the long run is you.

 

The game is rigged.

[Friskyone4u]

I appreciate the thoughtful replies from several points of view. I see that you all have a lot more experience here than I do. I'm at work right now and can't reply in length but I have been doing some reading and my eyes have been opened a bit. I still refuse to believe he is using me as he has been so good to me. However, I'm starting to wonder how this can possibly end any way other than badly.

For those who wondered, I am divorcing. It is almost final. I was in a bad marriage for many years and leaving had absolutely nothing to do with MM. It was the one good decision I have made in the past year.

One,

 

You just hit the nail on the head. if you keep reading you will understand that the statement in bold above that you made is by all odds the probably outcome,

Yes there are exceptions to the rule, but the percentages are very low. And not sure if your work cares, but ion many organizations if his wife finds out and blows up his world, your employment may go with it on top of everything else.

As far as him treating you nice. You have had men chasing you since you grew boobs whose sole purpose was to treat you right to get in your pants. Your hero is no knight In Shining Armor, or he would be marching his ass in to his wife and telling her he is leaving. Short of that, you are a side piece.

[freengreen]

I still refuse to believe he is using me as he has been so good to me.

 

Been there, got trapped.

 

Stop the big chunk he is getting from you and see him disappear. You wont feel like clapping on that majic trick thou.

[OneLostLady]

I am feeling so torn about our relationship. On one hand I feel that the things he has done for me and the things he has said to me are proof of his love. On the other hand I read that so many other women thought they shared loved as well and ended up thrown under the bus. I don't want to be wrong about him. I want to repeat that I do not expect him to leave his wife. I thought I would be okay with being the other woman but it turns out I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm too emotional. But I don't want to cut him out of my life completely. I would miss him. That's why I wanted to know if it's possible to remain friends. If not, how on earth could I ever just go NC? Is it at all possible to just slowly ease my way farther and farther away from him? Has anyone successfully done that?

[BluesPower]

I wish it was like that.

 

I did my best to let my primary OW down easy. No matter what I did it never worked. I just don't think you can be friends after you have been lovers.

 

I know so much of this new relationship feels great but you are starting to also feel the down side. You already know you can't handle the down side as you are seeing it, and you are not seeing the really bed stuff.

 

It just does not work that way. If you want to be his side piece OW it only gets worse from her.

 

Please take my word for it and just go NC and get out now.

[drypuddle]

I am feeling so torn about our relationship. On one hand I feel that the things he has done for me and the things he has said to me are proof of his love. On the other hand I read that so many other women thought they shared loved as well and ended up thrown under the bus. I don't want to be wrong about him. I want to repeat that I do not expect him to leave his wife. I thought I would be okay with being the other woman but it turns out I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm too emotional. But I don't want to cut him out of my life completely. I would miss him. That's why I wanted to know if it's possible to remain friends. If not, how on earth could I ever just go NC? Is it at all possible to just slowly ease my way farther and farther away from him? Has anyone successfully done that?

 

 

The longer you allow this continue, the more it's going to hurt when you start missing him, because inevitably there will be a time when you go NC and you miss him ... whether that's now or 10 years from now. The MM rarely picks the OW.

 

I didn't want to be wrong about my MM. But I found out one night that I was. I didn't want to miss him. I didn't want to have him missing from my life. I didn't want any of that bad stuff.

 

What I'm finding now is relief. Relief that now I don't have to wonder why he hasn't texted. Relief that I don't have to wonder what he's thinking. Relief. Relief. Relief. I woke up the other morning and my stomach wasn't in knots because I wasn't worried about him. Relief.

[FoundMyStrength]

I want to repeat that I do not expect him to leave his wife. I thought I would be okay with being the other woman but it turns out I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm too emotional. But I don't want to cut him out of my life completely. I would miss him. That's why I wanted to know if it's possible to remain friends. If not, how on earth could I ever just go NC? Is it at all possible to just slowly ease my way farther and farther away from him? Has anyone successfully done that?

 

Re: leaving his wife, that doesn't really matter. Affairs often get discovered whether or not the MM or OW tell the wife. Especially in a work setting, all it takes is rumors and a nosy colleague. But, really, all it takes is your MM getting lazy or sloppy with his cell phone, and his wife finding a message. And you will get thrown under the bus, as he scrambles to save his marriage.

 

I also thought I could never go NC. I loved him too much. I thought I could handle the change to being friends. And then he returned to his home town, and tried to downshift and make his messages to me be neutral and friendlike. I don't know if I've ever felt a pain as keen as having someone go from saying they love me morning, noon, and night to suddenly having him act cold, neutral, businesslike. And worse, get upset with me because I couldn't make the shift as quickly. I still wanted to tell him I loved him, and that was something he no longer wished to hear.

 

After 6 weeks NC, I feel the same as others do. A sense of relief. A peacefulness that I haven't felt since before I met him. Just my 2 cents.

[Miss Clavel]

I am feeling so torn about our relationship. On one hand I feel that the things he has done for me and the things he has said to me are proof of his love. On the other hand I read that so many other women thought they shared loved as well and ended up thrown under the bus. I don't want to be wrong about him. I want to repeat that I do not expect him to leave his wife. I thought I would be okay with being the other woman but it turns out I don't think I'm cut out for it. I'm too emotional. But I don't want to cut him out of my life completely. I would miss him. That's why I wanted to know if it's possible to remain friends. If not, how on earth could I ever just go NC? Is it at all possible to just slowly ease my way farther and farther away from him? Has anyone successfully done that?

 

 

you don't want to live without him and he wants to be with you and be married.

 

what comes to mind is, you both want to have your cake and eat it too.

 

dress it up all you like.

 

there is nothing friendly about him. he's a creeper. in thought and deed he lies to another woman. you, her. whichever, whenever, he's a liar.

 

he says he will be okay with whatever you deceide. but from what i've read on LS, he's going to try you again, or move on and dick another OW.

 

stay away from him, fast or slow, ease off the bandaid or rip it off. it's got to be done.

 

and soon. this is your life, this is your job. keep what is yours.

[Scorpio Chick]

Hello all,

 

First time poster and here's a little background...

 

MM and I work together, bonded over common interests, started texting sporadically, just friendly stuff about movies or books. A few months after I separated from my husband we began texting more often and our texts became more personal. Eventually we grew to the point of texting first thing in the morning through to last thing at night, telling each other we love each other. I consider him a good friend and I know he cares about me too. I don't want to see either of us hurt.

 

One week ago we were alone at work and kissed for the first time. Last night we slept together. I don't feel used at all because I wanted that to happen just as much as he did but I was not prepared for the empty feeling when he left me to go home to his wife. I have no illusions of him leaving her and thought I would be happy being the other woman because I enjoy my freedom and my time alone. The only thing missing from our relationship was sex but now I have this incredible feeling of guilt and shame. I feel like our relationship was once innocent and now it is not. Deep down I know our relationship has not been innocent for a long time and I know that I'm not a good woman for doing this but he feels so right to me.

 

Can we go back to being friends? Please tell me that's not totally out of the question.

I had what I think is an 'aha!' revelation.

 

In these situations I think it is impossible to revert back to friendship because now one of ypu, in essence, has firsthand knowledge and probably proof which could cause a lot of damage to the other.

 

W have seen on here half of an affair partnership tell the BS. I told the guy I was involved with, who was saying he wanted us to be friends, that if he contacted me again I would contact his wife. And I even think about doing it anyway.

 

I'm also realizing that I should know he's certainly not friendship material, let alone good marriage partner material since he cheats on his wife.

[BaileyB]

I had what I think is an 'aha!' revelation.

 

I'm also realizing that I should know he's certainly not friendship material, let alone good marriage partner material since he cheats on his wife.

 

Oh yeah! It never fails to amaze me how many women come on this site and say that their MM is so wonderful, and loving, and caring, and kind... Etc ...

 

The truth is, he is not wonderful, and loving, and kind if he chooses to take advantage of a vulnerable woman and cheats/betrays his wife. That is not a nice guy who is worthy of a woman's trust or affection!

 

If he does it with you, he will do it to you...

[jah526]

The truth is, he is not wonderful, and loving, and kind if he chooses to take advantage of a vulnerable woman and cheats/betrays his wife. That is not a nice guy who is worthy of a woman's trust or affection!

 

I'm curious as to why so many of us are willing to believe otherwise. I have an advanced degree and years of technical experience and training, and yet...

 

I guess the heart believes what it wants to, empirical evidence notwithstanding.

 

I have to say, I'm impressed with how many on here are struggling so hard to free themselves from the infidelity trap. I thought at first this was a support group for women wanting to stay in an affair, and what I'm seeing instead is that it's mainly for people trying to get out.

[BaileyB]

I'm curious as to why so many of us are willing to believe otherwise. I have an advanced degree and years of technical experience and training, and yet...

 

I guess the heart believes what it wants to, empirical evidence notwithstanding.

 

I have to say, I'm impressed with how many on here are struggling so hard to free themselves from the infidelity trap. I thought at first this was a support group for women wanting to stay in an affair, and what I'm seeing instead is that it's mainly for people trying to get out.

 

Agreed. As one who has never experienced it, I can't say say that I can begin to understand it. I suppose the heart wants what the heart wants. It's hard to understand because from the perspective of an impartial observer, it's pretty clear that these relationship do nothing but cause pain and destroy lives... No matter how they eventually work out.

[aileD]

I'm curious as to why so many of us are willing to believe otherwise. I have an advanced degree and years of technical experience and training, and yet...

 

I guess the heart believes what it wants to, empirical evidence notwithstanding.

 

I have to say, I'm impressed with how many on here are struggling so hard to free themselves from the infidelity trap. I thought at first this was a support group for women wanting to stay in an affair, and what I'm seeing instead is that it's mainly for people trying to get out.

 

 

I think people come here and see the same story played out over and over and over. The same games played and the same things said. The same excuses given. The same treatment when exposed to wife...

 

Then they start to see things a little different and he brain starts to say "wake up idiot" to the heart

[FoundMyStrength]

I had what I think is an 'aha!' revelation.

 

In these situations I think it is impossible to revert back to friendship because now one of ypu, in essence, has firsthand knowledge and probably proof which could cause a lot of damage to the other.

 

Yes, I've recently realized this too. This is what makes me feel hopeful that he will not break NC. Personally, I believe the decision to tell his wife is his to make, so I would never randomly reach out to her and have never made any threats, etc., in that direction. But he's a very careful man, and my instinct is that he's thought about the potential for disclosure if I get upset with him reaching out to me X months from now.

 

And the reverse is true, too. As I've come down from the affair high, I also see more clearly how he "managed" me and my emotions throughout. I don't think he did it maliciously, but I certainly wouldn't call it nice or caring.

[Cephalopod]

What were the circumstances surrounding the split with your husband? Has a divorce petition been filed?

[OneLostLady]

My husband was controlling and had a lot of anger issues to the point where I could not be myself around him. I was walking on eggshells all the time and not comfortable in my own home. Lawyers were involved early on in our separation and the divorce petition has been drafted and is in his lawyer's hands for signatures. It will then be filed. The divorce is simply a formality at this point as there is a separation agreement in place. The nature of my relationship with my husband is part of the reason I thought MM was perfect for me. I am happy living my own life. He's not around to tell me what to do. I have my own freedom and peace, yet the knowledge of knowing someone loves me. I always thought the only thing missing was intimacy, but since that happened I realize that I'm missing more.

 

I have read every response and like many others my brain and my heart are telling me two different things. If I was on the outside looking in the only logical decision would be walking away. That is not so easy when this man makes me feel so good about myself, loved, and wanted. You don't need to tell me he also has the ability to make me feel low and used. I understand that as well but it's so hard to walk away from the good.

 

He has already suggested a time and place to meet privately again. I told him I'm not sure if I can. I want to but I don't. I see that every person, even other MM, are warning me that I must stop, that I'm going to cause myself more pain. I do believe you but part of me says to stay just a little while longer, just til Christmas, just til I meet someone new, just til whenever...

 

If I choose to continue this relationship, is this a spot for support or will I get a lot of "I told you so" and "You should have listened". This is a serious question as I can see that there is a lot of support her for NC, but what if I'm not ready?

[OneLostLady]

 

What I'm finding now is relief. Relief that now I don't have to wonder why he hasn't texted. Relief that I don't have to wonder what he's thinking. Relief. Relief. Relief. I woke up the other morning and my stomach wasn't in knots because I wasn't worried about him. Relief.

 

 

This really hit home for me. This is what I long for. If too much time has passed between texts I panic. I question and over analyze every conversation. I am driving myself insane. I would like this relief.

[BaileyB]

 

I have read every response and like many others my brain and my heart are telling me two different things. If I was on the outside looking in the only logical decision would be walking away. That is not so easy when this man makes me feel so good about myself, loved, and wanted. You don't need to tell me he also has the ability to make me feel low and used. I understand that as well but it's so hard to walk away from the good.

 

You are not wrong to want these things in your life. But, you can and should get these things from a man who both loves you and is available to be in a relationship with you.

 

With much respect, when I read your posts it is so obvious to me that you are sad and lonely and lost. There is obviously something missing in your life, but you will not find the solution with this man. This man will tell you what you want to hear, while he uses you for sex. You need to find out why that is ok with you.

 

It's your decision, your life to live. I have much compassion for the fact that you are lost right now and looking for some love and support. But, you have just left a bad marriage and you are about to accept another relationship that may provide temporary comfort, but can really only bring you pain and unhappiness. I would really suggest that you look for support in a more healthy way, from a friend, counsellor, and ultimately another man who can offer what you want and is available to you. You deserve nothing less.

 

Best wishes.

[Chica80]

My husband was controlling and had a lot of anger issues to the point where I could not be myself around him. I was walking on eggshells all the time and not comfortable in my own home. Lawyers were involved early on in our separation and the divorce petition has been drafted and is in his lawyer's hands for signatures. It will then be filed. The divorce is simply a formality at this point as there is a separation agreement in place. The nature of my relationship with my husband is part of the reason I thought MM was perfect for me. I am happy living my own life. He's not around to tell me what to do. I have my own freedom and peace, yet the knowledge of knowing someone loves me. I always thought the only thing missing was intimacy, but since that happened I realize that I'm missing more.

 

I have read every response and like many others my brain and my heart are telling me two different things. If I was on the outside looking in the only logical decision would be walking away. That is not so easy when this man makes me feel so good about myself, loved, and wanted. You don't need to tell me he also has the ability to make me feel low and used. I understand that as well but it's so hard to walk away from the good.

 

He has already suggested a time and place to meet privately again. I told him I'm not sure if I can. I want to but I don't. I see that every person, even other MM, are warning me that I must stop, that I'm going to cause myself more pain. I do believe you but part of me says to stay just a little while longer, just til Christmas, just til I meet someone new, just til whenever...

 

If I choose to continue this relationship, is this a spot for support or will I get a lot of "I told you so" and "You should have listened". This is a serious question as I can see that there is a lot of support her for NC, but what if I'm not ready?

 

 

Lost Lady I could have written your post word for word. I have been there all of it. The marriage, separation, divorce. The waiting just a lil longer...the debates in your head...the pull on your heart....the intimacy and caring and "love" that you had been missing.

Sometimes regardless of what others tell us, what advice and stories we read. We will still choose the path we choose. This IS a place for support.

 

All I can tell you is the longer it goes on the harder it is to get out of. I have bargained so many times. Gone NC/LC. Lets be friends, you name it tried it. But the "bond" only gets stronger. The love/passion deeper and the pain more heartbreaking than the time before. Each time the guilt gets less and you compromise more of yourself.

 

You may not want him to leave his marriage. (that wasn't something I considered an option) in my case. But you will want more. You will want more and he will be content to stay where he is, because you make his life easier, better. But what about you?

[Logan787]

Put yourself in the place of his wife. How would you feel if you knew your husband was being intimate with another woman? Would you feel betrayed? I would think so. The guilt and shame you feel is actually a good signal. It's working the same way that physical pain does with our bodies. It's alerting you that something is wrong and that something needs to be healed and something needs to change. If you ignore the shame and guilt and continue to say "well one more time or sometime down the road I will let him go" then you will grow somewhat numb to the guilt and shame and no longer care. It will change who you are and decrease your humanity. Ask yourself if this man, whom you admit, can never truly be yours, is worth all of that.

Also ask yourself. Do math. What are you getting OUT of this affair as opposed to what it is costing you and taxing upon your heart, mind, and soul. I doubt you will find a man that can never truly be yours to be worth all of this pain and turmoil. God created sex to be a SOUL BOND with someone that you have made a commitment to and plan on loving for life. All of that gets distorted and wrecked when you commit adultery and consummate that soul bond with someone that isn't yours. Your feelings and emotions are deceiving you and you should get out before it gets too deep. This won't end well, and you will simply be someone he can use and you will feel worthless in the end.