DC77 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 So last weekend I let my boyfriend of 5 months know that this weekend was my birthday. He was all excited said he wanted to take me out and even go shopping. He's younger and he's proven to be forgetful at times, which being a bit older and type a can be annoying, so I understand it can come with the territory with men, particularly a naive younger man. But surely I thought my birthday was important enough to remember!... He forgot. Friday I realized he was probably forgetting my birthday. Yesterday (Saturday) I didn't hear from him until late afternoon. Usually when he sleeps that late he has gone out the night before. (For the cynics, there aren't other women, he isn't cheating, but he does like drinking a little too much, which again is his age). Anyways I asked if he went out. He said yeah, he had forgotten it was his friends 21st and that he said he would go out with him. (Another pretense, he is in the military and the oldest of his group by 5-10 years, so some of the guys kind of look up to him)...That was the perfect interlude to let him know he forgot something else, my birthday!! He was very apologetic but 'I'm sorry' texts just didn't seem to be cutting it for me. He's made a lot of little oopses and always apologizes, but this was a big oops for me. He offered to go out then, but it just wasn't the same. I told him that I had been upset all day and wasn't up for going out. Then he asked why I was upset. ?? Now he can be naive and clueless at times, but really?? So I blurted in text 'I'm tired of being forgotten.' He replied that 'it wasn't like that, he just had a lot going on this last week. As did I... I told him I was feeling hurt and disappointed and that I'd like him to tell me what it's not like... I haven't heard from him since. Seems like I should be the one giving the silent treatment. What just happened???
losangelena Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 My thoughts: It's a fool's folly to just expect a guy to go all-out for your birthday, especially on your first go-'round as BF/GF, especially if you don't tell him what you want. Dudes are great at a lot things, but I've noticed that birthdays/holidays don't tend to be one of those things. Christmas was the first typically "gift-giving" holiday that my ex and I spent together, and he felt really badly when I showed up at his place with a few presents for him and he hadn't gotten anything for me. He knew better by the time my birthday rolled around, but still there was definitely a learning curve. Point being, if expectations aren't verbalized, you're setting yourself up for disappointment. You shouldn't have tried to hash this out over text. In your situation, I would have waited until you saw him again and talked about it in person. That way he could see how important it was to you on your face, not hearing it over text. He was probably feeling berated, especially after an attempt to make things better—taking you out—was not accepted. How serious are you guys at five months? Why aren't you going out with him and his friends on a Friday? How much older than him are you?
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 You are dating a younger man that's forgetful and that likes drinking and going out with the guys. That's what happened. If you accept he is forgetful and immature than don't expect to be pampered on your birthday. I like the expression you can't turn poo into gold. I find you are full of excuses for him. Being a military man isn't an excuse for partying with the guys over being with his gf. You know his priorities and you're not on top of them. 1
Lorenza Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Eh, you both seem a bit immature. Him for not setting his priorities right and you for being all passive agressive about it. And no, you shouldn't be the one giving silent treatment. Silent treatment is never an adult thing to do. If you feel like this "oopsie" is too big to forgive and move on, then break up. Punishing behaviour is not healthy in any relationship. But I don't think this relationship will last in any way. If he's young and likes parties and drinking, sooner or later he will realize this relationship is limiting him from testing out his options. 6
ExpatInItaly Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I think that in the end, you two prioritize the relationship quite differently. I can understand being hurt that he apparently forgot his own girlfriend's birthday. I would not be pleased either. But you have also said he is young and forgetful. In my mind, you are now really seeing that you are not that compatible.
salparadise Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 So I blurted in text 'I'm tired of being forgotten.' He replied that 'it wasn't like that... I told him I was feeling hurt and disappointed and that I'd like him to tell me what it's not like... I haven't heard from him since. Seems like I should be the one giving the silent treatment. What just happened??? You backed him into a corner and gave him no way out. He offered to take you out and you rejected that idea. He apologized and you rebuffed it. You said, "I'd like him to tell me what it's not like," which basically means you wanted him to beg, plead and grovel. He's saying, nope, I'm not giving up my dignity over it. So you're choices are to reach out and let him off the hook, or try and out wait him and then try again to make him beg, plead and grovel. In which case... he probably won't go for it the second time either. I think you've lost this one. A wise person once told me that in any negotiation or conflict resolution scenario, you have to give the other person an out that allows them to save face. That's where you screwed up. 1
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I have a BF that is forgetful about birthdays. I did not set a trap for him to disappoint me. One week ahead I mentioned it was my birthday the following Tuesday. The day of my birthday I told him 'it's my birthday today :-). I knew the day of my birthday he was unprepared so I didn't say a word about it, I remained my happy bubbly self. He called me happy birthday several times that day and I got a nice birthday present later. 2
Author DC77 Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 (edited) I appreciate everyone's perspective. There are some good thoughts in there and as usual cynical, negative thoughts. If I was perfect at relationships, I obviously wouldn't be on here looking for constructive advice... Call it excuses, or what you will Gaeta. What I have learned from my experience is there is no perfect Prince Charming that everything fits just perfectly and has no flaws. I'm acknowledging something that is not perfect in him and trying to describe his character. He is a man approaching 30 in that transitionary age where he has expressed wanting to stop partying and grow up, but he's also not ready. And I realize that this growth and transition has to come naturally from him... So believe me! I am at odds about our compatibility. I'm at odds about how to set boundaries. How do you let someone know what they've done is not okay while still preserving your value and self worth? It's a balance that I am obviously not perfect at, which is why I came looking for advice... Perhaps the silent treatment is not healthy. Thank you for pointing that out Lorenza. Lastly, I have found walking away from everything isn't always the best solution either. And that's a lot of the advice I find on here. You're doomed. You f----d up. Walk away...There is a lot of good stuff between us and a connection that I have found very difficult to find in people. I already know I have high expectations. I try to manage this without feeling like I'm lowering my standards. He is probably one of the sweetest, caring men I've dated and the forgetfulness can be tough. He is a very happy person that lives in the moment. For you other type A personalities out there, perhaps you can see the conflict. But I know he doesn't do anything to be hurtful on purpose. He really is a good guy... So to simply walk away isn't easy. It's not easy to know if you're walking away from something you'll regret. Edited December 4, 2016 by DC77
Author DC77 Posted December 4, 2016 Author Posted December 4, 2016 A very dear friend once told me, the secret to her 25 year marriage wasn't looking for the person that seemed to be the perfect fit, but finding the person with the flaws that you can live with for the rest of your life... 2
lana-banana Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 This is a self-selective sample group. People here say "it's over, walk away, break it off" so often because 9 out of 10 times, if it's bad enough where you're compelled to ask strangers on the Internet, it's probably pretty bad. Most people aren't posting threads about minor irritations or incompatibilities.* The silent treatment is never mature. And for what it's worth I wouldn't have such a low expectations of men that forgetting your birthday should be excused. There are plenty of men out there who are loving, attentive and wonderful to be with. I would not necessarily expect that of a younger man in the military who enjoys partying and going out all the time. I think you had a fairly major misunderstanding and neither of you communicated about it in a mature way. Your relationship will go nowhere if you aren't straightforward and honest with each other. * = But the crowds can be wrong too. On my old username when I first posted, none other than our lovely Gaeta told me my relationship would never last. We're engaged now. So you can't always take it too seriously! 1
Lorenza Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 If he's one of the sweetest, most caring man and you're not looking for a perfect fit, then why do you keep pushing him into a corner for his honest mistake? You don't seem to live up to your words in that case...
Poutrew Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 So last weekend I let my boyfriend of 5 months know that this weekend was my birthday. He was all excited said he wanted to take me out and even go shopping. He's younger and he's proven to be forgetful at times, which being a bit older and type a can be annoying, so I understand it can come with the territory with men, particularly a naive younger man. But surely I thought my birthday was important enough to remember!... He forgot. Friday I realized he was probably forgetting my birthday. Yesterday (Saturday) I didn't hear from him until late afternoon. Usually when he sleeps that late he has gone out the night before. (For the cynics, there aren't other women, he isn't cheating, but he does like drinking a little too much, which again is his age). Anyways I asked if he went out. He said yeah, he had forgotten it was his friends 21st and that he said he would go out with him. (Another pretense, he is in the military and the oldest of his group by 5-10 years, so some of the guys kind of look up to him)...That was the perfect interlude to let him know he forgot something else, my birthday!! He was very apologetic but 'I'm sorry' texts just didn't seem to be cutting it for me. He's made a lot of little oopses and always apologizes, but this was a big oops for me. He offered to go out then, but it just wasn't the same. I told him that I had been upset all day and wasn't up for going out. Then he asked why I was upset. ?? Now he can be naive and clueless at times, but really?? So I blurted in text 'I'm tired of being forgotten.' He replied that 'it wasn't like that, he just had a lot going on this last week. As did I... I told him I was feeling hurt and disappointed and that I'd like him to tell me what it's not like... I haven't heard from him since. Seems like I should be the one giving the silent treatment. What just happened??? You missed the perfect opportunity: "Well, honey, you may have forgotten my birthday, but you know that well muscled young man who mows my lawn every Saturday? You know, Julio. Well he didn't forget, and he took me out for some fantastic tex-mex food at his family's eatery. I think I have found a new friend..." See, you just are not a priority with him. He didn't forget the friend's anniversary. He would have been dead before he forgot such an important occasion. You, on the other hand, are just the 'little woman'...all it takes to make you happy again is some dead roses and a box of chocolates. How lovely...
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 * = But the crowds can be wrong too. On my old username when I first posted, none other than our lovely Gaeta told me my relationship would never last. We're engaged now. So you can't always take it too seriously! I cannot be right all the time 3
lana-banana Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I cannot be right all the time You know I love you---you're still right more often than the rest of us! At the end of the day, if it can work out, it will. A guy who doesn't make you a priority is unlikely to put in the effort to make it work. 1
smackie9 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 (edited) What I find alarming you would rather just dismiss the fact that this was no big deal to him that he messed up, disappointed and hurt you....he just brushes it off. He is inconsiderate of you, but finds others like his buddy more of a priority. His actions speaks volumes. This is not a good guy, this is a selfish guy. You are a fool if you think he will change. He's almost 30 years old! He is a bloody man child. You are someone he is just dating, not a GF. I know what I'm talking about. I had a bf once that didn't make me a priority. Sure he was a nice guy, hard worker, etc. I dumped him after a month. I wasn't going to wait around for him to be something different. I agree with the others, you are just making excuses for a guy that isn't treating you like the way you should be treated. You are not going to find a solution to have him be this BF of your dreams. You already have communicated to him how you feel and all you got was a blow off, then the silent treatment....ya he is such a great guy alright. Edited December 4, 2016 by smackie9 2
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Call it excuses, or what you will Gaeta. What I have learned from my experience is there is no perfect Prince Charming that everything fits just perfectly and has no flaws. I'm acknowledging something that is not perfect in him and trying to describe his character. He is a man approaching 30 in that transitionary age where he has expressed wanting to stop partying and grow up, but he's also not ready. And I realize that this growth and transition has to come naturally from him... So believe me! I am at odds about our compatibility. I'm at odds about how to set boundaries. How do you let someone know what they've done is not okay while still preserving your value and self worth? It's a balance that I am obviously not perfect at, which is why I came looking for advice... Perhaps the silent treatment is not healthy. Thank you for pointing that out Lorenza. Lastly, I have found walking away from everything isn't always the best solution either. And that's a lot of the advice I find on here. You're doomed. You f----d up. Walk away...There is a lot of good stuff between us and a connection that I have found very difficult to find in people. I already know I have high expectations. I try to manage this without feeling like I'm lowering my standards. He is probably one of the sweetest, caring men I've dated and the forgetfulness can be tough. He is a very happy person that lives in the moment. For you other type A personalities out there, perhaps you can see the conflict. But I know he doesn't do anything to be hurtful on purpose. He really is a good guy... So to simply walk away isn't easy. It's not easy to know if you're walking away from something you'll regret. Of course there is no Prince charming but there is a difference with accepting someone with flaws and accepting someone treating us like 3rd priority on their best days. This man is 30 years old. I don't know how old you are but you said older so lets put you at 35?. Do you really want to be raising a man of 30 at your age? Do you really want to be with a man that has not entered adulthood yet? I know too well about military men and the type you're referring to. I lived 15 years on military bases. He'll start slowing down when his liver gives up, you have that much time?
salparadise Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I think you should've simply said, "I'm disappointed and upset that you forgot my birthday," leaving the ball in his court. Then graciously accepted whatever he offered as a consolation. Nobody blames you for being disappointed, but all you can do is say how you feel and let him respond. Nobody owes you a blowout celebration with fireworks, and therefore I think you can only be so upset before you reverse the faux pas and start looking like the ungracious one, which is worse than being forgetful. I think you need to reach out and make peace, even if it's hard to do. 1
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Does he still have on his Facebook a cover pic that says 'I like big booty bitches.' ? How old are you OP?
winny Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I am a female and I forget birthdays all the time and mostly that of people who are closest to me... never really has been an issue though cause my actions towards them otherwise lets them know what they mean to me. And I forget because I just dont realize what date it is... Facebook has been a saving grace for me with all the reminders and all. He made a mistake but please give him some slack... show you are the bigger and more mature person here... he may respect you more.
Gaeta Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 He said yeah, he had forgotten it was his friends 21st and that he said he would go out with him. (Another pretense, he is in the military and the oldest of his group by 5-10 years, so some of the guys kind of look up to him) And another point to support my theory. He is 30 and his group of friends are between 20 to 25. They look up to him? That's a joke right. Your bf has the mentality of a 20 year old, that's why he fits well in that group. Like I said at 30 men are way passed that phase, that's why he doesn't have friends his age.
Versacehottie Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I think you should've simply said, "I'm disappointed and upset that you forgot my birthday," leaving the ball in his court. Then graciously accepted whatever he offered as a consolation. Nobody blames you for being disappointed, but all you can do is say how you feel and let him respond. Nobody owes you a blowout celebration with fireworks, and therefore I think you can only be so upset before you reverse the faux pas and start looking like the ungracious one, which is worse than being forgetful. I think you need to reach out and make peace, even if it's hard to do. I agree. The maturest and most constructive thing to do is to keep the argument/discussion/comments about, and only about, the upsetting trigger issue (he forgot your birthday). While it may be true that ("you are tired of being forgotten") that makes it a much bigger deal than it was and now you are kinda personally attacking him and the relationship. If you have doubts that are bugging you like that in whole, I still think the best way to address them is on a one by one basis and keep them issue-specific. That allows the other person to address them and fix them. And you to decide if their efforts don't amount to the type of person you are looking for. Bummer is that he did try to fix it and by being stubborn you missed out on his attempt to fix the situation and going out on your birthday. And now something much larger is up. I do understand that it hurts to be forgotten in any way but I think on your end you could have handled the conflict resolution part better. Him, too but you can only control yourself. BTW, Happy Birthday!!! 2
Noideanow Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 You missed the perfect opportunity: "Well, honey, you may have forgotten my birthday, but you know that well muscled young man who mows my lawn every Saturday? You know, Julio. Well he didn't forget, and he took me out for some fantastic tex-mex food at his family's eatery. I think I have found a new friend..." See, you just are not a priority with him. He didn't forget the friend's anniversary. He would have been dead before he forgot such an important occasion. You, on the other hand, are just the 'little woman'...all it takes to make you happy again is some dead roses and a box of chocolates. How lovely... Thats a good one:D
basil67 Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I'm curious as to why the two of you didn't make plans for the weekend in advance. This should have prevented the problem in the first place. How long have you been together? Have you reached the stage of being each other's usual Friday and Saturday night date yet?
joseb Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Seeing as you know he is forgetful, why didn't you call him early on your birthday, or the day before, instead of silently fuming. He forgot his buddy's 21St, I bet the only reason he made that was he got a call to remind him. Tbh, I think he is just not a good match for you. But if you think he is so great that this immaturity and laziness/forgetfulness is worth the hassle, then you need to accept it and make allowances. 1
losangelena Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 I appreciate everyone's perspective. There are some good thoughts in there and as usual cynical, negative thoughts. If I was perfect at relationships, I obviously wouldn't be on here looking for constructive advice... Call it excuses, or what you will Gaeta. What I have learned from my experience is there is no perfect Prince Charming that everything fits just perfectly and has no flaws. I'm acknowledging something that is not perfect in him and trying to describe his character. He is a man approaching 30 in that transitionary age where he has expressed wanting to stop partying and grow up, but he's also not ready. And I realize that this growth and transition has to come naturally from him... So believe me! I am at odds about our compatibility. I'm at odds about how to set boundaries. How do you let someone know what they've done is not okay while still preserving your value and self worth? It's a balance that I am obviously not perfect at, which is why I came looking for advice... Perhaps the silent treatment is not healthy. Thank you for pointing that out Lorenza. Lastly, I have found walking away from everything isn't always the best solution either. And that's a lot of the advice I find on here. You're doomed. You f----d up. Walk away...There is a lot of good stuff between us and a connection that I have found very difficult to find in people. I already know I have high expectations. I try to manage this without feeling like I'm lowering my standards. He is probably one of the sweetest, caring men I've dated and the forgetfulness can be tough. He is a very happy person that lives in the moment. For you other type A personalities out there, perhaps you can see the conflict. But I know he doesn't do anything to be hurtful on purpose. He really is a good guy... So to simply walk away isn't easy. It's not easy to know if you're walking away from something you'll regret. I think the only thing you can do moving forward is to decide what kind of behavior (or lack of behavior), you're willing to live with, and set expectations accordingly. Okay, maybe you could've handled this particular situation a bit differently. I think the general consensus is that, moving forward, maybe more direct communication (vs. silent treatment, passive-aggressive tactics) would benefit you more. I personally don't think you should necessarily walk away from him. Just know that this could be more than age or immaturity, it could just be the type of guy he is. Do you want to date a forgetful, "fly by the seat of his pants," prone to partying guy? That's not a value judgement on him. My dad, minus the partying, was like this, he was a good person, but I think I would go crazy dating someone like him.
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