Am I just wasting my time? Why am I so weak minded?

[aquariusgirl_27]

Hi everyone!

 

Hope somebody can help rationalise my mind.

 

Been seeing a guy on and off now since 2013.

 

always been a bit of a jerk, big ego, loves the gym etc. First started seeing each other 2013 but he was always on with other women. Eventually I thought he was committed to me but it came out later he was always messaging other women, always kept me a secret etc beginning of 2015 we broke up and I moved on to find what I thought was a great guy complete opposite of the narcissist I was with previously. I fell head over heels.

 

Turns out I was with a physical abuser, I stayed for 10 months in a foreign country with this guy till one day things got so physical I fled and went back home. I arrived home and within days my previous ex the narcissist was all over me like a rash and at first I told him to take a hike but as I was hurting from my experiences with mr not so perfect I let him back in after he did a lot of chasing and he suffocated me till we was back in a relationship and this time he even let me put it on face book. Took me away for the weekend and spending all this time with me Now 4 months later I can see him slipping back into his old routine.

 

He sees me a couple of nights during the week if I'm lucky but this week it was only 1 night and usually during the weekend he can only see me on a Friday night and Sunday night as he's such a busy guy and he needs to get jobs done that he can't do through the week. Such as: washing his car, going to the gym, going to the Nike outlet, food shopping however he insists these are a necessity and a good enough reason why he barely sees me. But when I do say anything he either laughs or tells me I need to chill or go see my mates.

 

During the week he comes to my parents house after work or the gym which is around 7 - 7:30 although he does finish work around 4:30 and home for 5:15. He comes to mine, gets his tea cooked and clothes washed. Weekends he usually turns up on a Sunday evening around 6. Just as the weekend is finishing.

 

I feel like he is always in a rush to get away from me. I don't have many friends and he throws this in my face as to why I'm being needy? Which I'm actually not at all. He runs after his friends who only want him when their girls friends are busy, sits smoking weed with them.

 

Last night I was due to see him after not seeing him since Tuesday, but he wasn't in a rush to come round til around 7:30 after his mates has gone and he'd watched football. I burst out crying because I just couldn't believe how cold he was, "there is no rush to come over we're only chilling we don't have a table reservation" "oh my god your being rediculius" I was so heart broken and I just can't understand his mentality of how he can make me feel like I'm the worst girl on earth to be around. He rang me twice in the last 24 hours after I've ignored him. And a text " we not talking then?"

 

He never posts anything on social media of us, never puts me first and never shows any affection because he says he is just not like that and I should know this because I've known him years despite him telling me how much he's changed since I'd been gone and how he'd realised I'm the one for him. He doesn't want to be married for years yet as he wants to make enough money so he doesn't have to struggle in the future. He has his own house already so he says I need to be independent and get my own as well before we live together.

 

I feel like history is repeating itself and every weekend is becoming the same, Friday evening gone early Saturday and don't see him till Sunday night. Apparently Saturday night is boys night. I just don't know what to do anymore.

 

On top of that I found out he slept with my old best friend while I was gone in 'spite' because I broke him by leaving him and now I have to put up with her smirks in the gym and the doubt that he could run back to her now I'm going to end it with him. As soon as I came back he ditched her and all contact to pursue me.All I can see is her smug face laughing at me. I never did anything to her, I helped her through her lowest points with her own break up and this is how she repaid me. She is the type of girl who sleeps with anyone Nd everyone even husbands and men who have girlfriends but still it hurts to think they could end up together and I come out worst yet again.

 

I feel such a mug. Pulled the wool completely over my eyes again with his false promises :( I'm tearing my hair out. Has anyone had a situation like this? Does it get better? Do you think I am asking too much from him?

 

B x

[Zahara]

He didn't pull the wool over your eyes. You pulled the wool over your eyes. He's shown you very blatantly who he is but you chose to keep accepting mistreatment. You are completely responsible for where you are.

 

Your self-esteem is in the tank. He doesn't love you. You know this but you are in such desperate need to feel love and to be loved, you keep going back hoping something will change.

 

He knows you have no self-respect. He knows you see no value in yourself. Someone like him is only out to get benefits. And that's all he sees you as -- someone he can use.

 

No, it doesn't get better. No, he doesn't love you. No, he will never give you the relationship you deserve.

 

Walk away. Work on yourself. Stop dating and try and focus cultivating a relationship with yourself. If you don't love and value yourself, how can anyone else?

 

I'm sorry to be harsh but if you go back and read this post and pretend it's your sister writing it, you'd likely want to shake her and try to get her to wake up.

[PrincessWarrior1]

Ok now that you have heard the harsh truth. I am going to answer you with facts, empathy, and compassion. First and foremost I am sorry that you are hurting. It won't be forever. The quicker you go NC and begin to love and be kind to yourself the quicker you will heal.

 

He is most definitely a narcissist. They don't love. You hurt his ego when you left and he hovered back around most likely to hurt you on purpose. I know it sucks and you're feeling like you just want him to realize the error of his ways, beg and plead for your forgiveness, and love you the right way for the love of god. Ok well maybe or maybe not but I know that that is the way I felt in my 3 years on/off relationship. I loved him very much and got repaid with nothing but usury, insults, demands, etc. Well ofcourse sometimes he did love and care about me or I would have been long gone.

 

I don't think all narcissist are the same or act the same or some it's to different degrees. But they definitely all share some characteristics. That girl was not your friend and someone needs to punch her and get that smirk off her face too.

 

Please please going forward realize this is not the life you deserve and like the above poster has said stop dating for a while and cultivate a relationship w yourself. We all have to do it or we'll never find what we are looking for and true happiness does in fact reside within. A relationship should compliment that never take the place of it. That's when you run into desperation and neediness and end up with narcissistic trolls that will just take advantage of you and leave you worse off than you were before, and wasting more years of your life that you can't get back.

 

Trust me you will look back on this differently when you've healed and moved on. All we can do is learn lessons from it, grow, and not repeat the same choices. Because, believe me that can happen to. I feel like I went from one narcissist to another. Now I have to enforce my ability to recognize red flags and never ignore them ever again.

Edited December 5, 2016 by PrincessWarrior1