Amazing GF says I don't share deep feelings or past

[Gaeta]

I hear you. So I assume it's a lie and leave. Or make a big deal out of it that I don't trust her which would be the same as leaving. Joy

 

This comment really shows how disconnected you are from reality.

 

You really don't seem to catch what this lie means.

 

There are lies like I didn't take the last piece of apple pie. Which is a believable little lie to avoid embarrassment but isn't meant to manipulate.

 

Then there are lies like the one she fed you about the FB message. Lies that are unbelievable, badly fabricated that no one would believe because it's so badly put together, a lie that falls in the category 'an alien stole it from me'. She fed you this lie because she knows you'll believe anything she says and she knows there will be no repercussions from you for any type of lies from her.

 

If someone fed me that type of lie I would think they have no respect for my intelligence. They must think so little of me to feed me such a badly fabricated lie. If you are to lie at least put in some efforts to make it believable.

 

So this is not only about lying to you, it's also about what little respect and how poorly she thinks of your intelligence to feed you such a badly put together lie.

[introverted1]

This comment really shows how disconnected you are from reality.

 

You really don't seem to catch what this lie means.

 

There are lies like I didn't take the last piece of apple pie. Which is a believable little lie to avoid embarrassment but isn't meant to manipulate.

 

Then there are lies like the one she fed you about the FB message. Lies that are unbelievable, badly fabricated that no one would believe because it's so badly put together, a lie that falls in the category 'an alien stole it from me'. She fed you this lie because she knows you'll believe anything she says and she knows there will be no repercussions from you for any type of lies from her.

 

If someone fed me that type of lie I would think they have no respect for my intelligence. They must think so little of me to feed me such a badly fabricated lie. If you are to lie at least put in some efforts to make it believable.

 

So this is not only about lying to you, it's also about what little respect and how poorly she thinks of your intelligence to feed you such a badly put together lie.

 

Exactly.

 

Plus her fabricated scenario wasn't created to avoid embarrassment, as in denying eating the apple pie, but intended to manipulate you.

 

As for men and stoicism, based on what you've relayed here, you have shared a reasonable amount about your past and your current emotions given that this relationship is just three months old.

 

I get that your marriage was not filled with passion and so you are in search of that now. But this relationship isn't about passion, it's just dysfunctional. Yes, you may get some of the same highs that come with passion, but a healthy relationship is not meant to be so much work. Is this how you want to live out the next 1, 5, 10 years? Nervous and jumpy, always wondering what you will have to prove next?

[Versacehottie]

idk, I don't think OP is disconnected from reality--that's a bit of a stretch and pretty harsh for someone that is only coming here for help no matter how passionately a person is trying to convince you of his/her position. I think it's different when you are IN the relationship. Unlike his gf, biker obviously likes to see the best in people and give them the benefit of the doubt. It's funny they both seem to be trying to preserve the relationship, albeit in very different ways, that may point to their ultimate incompatibility. She is trying to change the several things she doesn't like/respect in him, significant things IMO. And he is trying to overlook and give her the benefit of the doubt and keep trust intact for the benefit of the relationship.

 

While I don't agree with everything that Gaeta said, most of us (i think even including you OP, right?) find the FB thing a little farfetched. Why would anything you need to do with her about the FB issue have to be extreme or absolute in any way? You don't have to accuse her of lying or decide she is lying--why not try something more in the middle? Tell her you are having a hard time believing that. Ask her to explain how that came about more. Well things of that nature. Gather more facts, more explanation for her. It will either back up what you suspect or be a sufficient explanation OR be decent enough that you continue with the relationship however have some question marks. It's possible to pick the middle road sometimes. What i think is important is that you communicate. Specifically you speaking your mind. Putting her in the hot seat a bit--not in a mean way just that she is not the only one running the show and let her know some of her actions are questionable through your line of questioning. It's not like you are trying to threaten her or intimidate her with this but i don't see why you shouldn't be able to balance things out.

 

This is where I agree with Gaeta, it is insulting and disrespectful that she is expecting you to buy this story. If it's the truth, she should have no qualms about some more questions about it. hey, she asked for emotional intimacy! What about letting her in on the fact that you don't find that story 100% truthful? I'm actually most worried that you feel like you don't believe you don't have a right to question it without reprecussions. Why? That does sound like she is intimidating you and holds a breakup over your head in some way. You need to balance things out more so you can be happy if you were to continue. I also think on the REMOTE chance that it is true 100% as she stated it's pretty rude to have a 3rd party (a guy) comment on their opinion of the state of your relationship and your shortcomings as a bf and pass that onto you. What does she hope to gain from that? It's very immature and dramatic if it is even true. If some guy did say these things to her (very implausible but ok), why would she threaten your trust that she is letting a 3rd party, which is somewhat indicating has a touch of romantic interest in her, comment on your relationship. Let's even go with he did it of his own accord and she had no control over it, why pass it onto you? So she could be right? So she let's you know there are better guys waiting in the wings? This guy isn't even like her best guy friend--since he only had access to her via FB and not phone/text and supposedly "overheard" you guys. Hmmmm, idk, I don't know any straight guys who go out of their way like this to comment on another person's relationship. The only exception to that is if she is talking to him too and his foot is "in the door" whereas he knows if he throws you under the bus, he has a chance. So which is it? She does not sound like a person with good character or good judgement. I'm just saying. Good luck as always

[biker23]

This is off topic, but based on the above messages I want to comment.

 

Let me add more context into this woman. It may help explain or you may think its more horse***

 

It is common when we are out for people to approach us that know her. Women approach more than men. They know her through a friend of a friend (or even a third friend)..often she doesnt know them. She obviously has an impact on people and they want to know her or reach out. They know her name, what she does. She and I have talked about it...it can be a bit creepy.

 

Men do this typically on FB. You can send a message to anyone on FB.

 

She also has Exs or guys she meets in everyday life contact her and want to go out...to lunch or coffee or whatever. Many are married and she gets in their face on what the hell are they doing. Recently an Ex that she felt was one of the nicer guys, saw us at an outdoor patio bar and got up and threw his drink into the trash and stormed off. She told me later that she called him and said WTH was that. He said he thought she was there showing off her new attractive BF and purposely sat near him...well, she didnt even see him (according to her) and told me he should have done the right thing and walked over and introduced himself.

 

There was more to this latest FB story. She told me whom he was a friend of and asked if I noticed him at the restaurant as he was sitting alone and was off to the side. Men rarely approach her directly. Her point of even telling me was when we were talking about how our discussions can look so uncomfortable to the public and this was an example of someone noticing that(honestly, the guy just wants to go out and would say anything to discredit me). But it is far from the first time she is contacted on FB by seemingly random guys. I said it was insulting and she responded she gives it zero credit as she wasnt going to respond.

 

Many of my past GFs get their FB messenger and text blown up daily from guys. They are relentless.

 

Back to topic, I've found some great articles on opening up emotionally and how guys struggle with it and why. Many hit home for me and is providing me with some growth regardless of this relationship. I'll share that sometime later.

[bachdude]

I'm sorry OP but her explanation about the ex throwing his drink in the trash and storming off sounds pretty out there to me.

 

 

And she really has all of these guys SO interested in her that they are constantly contacting her on FB?

 

 

Well, you sound quite convinced of her stories. I think time will tell.

 

 

It's just from the outside looking in it looks highly questionable. Just please keep our comments in mind. Ok?

 

 

I just highly recommend not putting a ring on her finger anything short of three years. You're a smart guy and by three years you would know if she is for you.

[biker23]

I'm sorry OP but her explanation about the ex throwing his drink in the trash and storming off sounds pretty out there to me.

 

 

And she really has all of these guys SO interested in her that they are constantly contacting her on FB?

 

 

Well, you sound quite convinced of her stories. I think time will tell.

 

 

It's just from the outside looking in it looks highly questionable. Just please keep our comments in mind. Ok?

 

 

I just highly recommend not putting a ring on her finger anything short of three years. You're a smart guy and by three years you would know if she is for you.

 

 

Thanks. but yes I saw the guy throw the drink.

[kidm]

Thanks. but yes I saw the guy throw the drink.

 

How did you know the guy who threw his drink away is in fact her ex? Why even bother calling him? Why does she still have her ex's number on her phone, especially an ex who still has feelings for her? Drama seems to follow this woman everywhere! So she didn't see him until he stormed off? Most her stories seem so implausible. Also I think on facebook, there are settings you can use to prevent people who are not your friends from contacting you. If she is having so many issues with men reaching out to her where she doesn't want to respond, she should probably consider changing her settings.

[Versacehottie]

How did you know the guy who threw his drink away is in fact her ex? Why even bother calling him? Why does she still have her ex's number on her phone, especially an ex who still has feelings for her? Drama seems to follow this woman everywhere! So she didn't see him until he stormed off? Most her stories seem so implausible. Also I think on facebook, there are settings you can use to prevent people who are not your friends from contacting you. If she is having so many issues with men reaching out to her where she doesn't want to respond, she should probably consider changing her settings.

 

The common denominator for the drama is her. Hope OP will see this shortly. Why do all the stories seem to revolve around the theme that she is irresistible, wanted by so many and they just can't seem to let go? Sounds like she is selling you a story about herself--and you are drinking the koolaid. I don't really believe it. All the girls I ever meet that go to great lengths to convince you of how desirable they are, usually aren't desirable at all. Sure, they may make a guy or two crazy--until they come to their senses. I'm sorry, biker, but the more you explain, the bigger loser I think she is. Her actions aren't really defensible to me. She is equally or more the source of drama and not seemingly a quality person. Trying to convince you that you don't measure up and tear you down to manipulate you--or she's convinced herself of her own hype. I give her credit for being ballsy--just wonder when all that is going to get old to you. The rest of it all is transparent already. She's telling you to get real??? She's a fake.

[elaine567]

Recently an Ex that she felt was one of the nicer guys, saw us at an outdoor patio bar and got up and threw his drink into the trash and stormed off. She told me later that she called him and said WTH was that. He said he thought she was there showing off her new attractive BF and purposely sat near him...well, she didnt even see him (according to her) and told me he should have done the right thing and walked over and introduced himself.

 

OK you saw the guy chuck his drink, but was he really anything to do with her?

I know she said she phoned him with "WTH" later, but was he just a guy late for a meeting and ran out of time to drink his drink, or did he just order/was given the the wrong drink and couldn't be bothered complaining, or was he feeling sick, or perhaps he had to rush off to an emergency... Who knows?

She however managed with her little melodramatic story to bump up her desirability "my exes are besotted with me" and managed to hand you a little compliment too "the attractive bf"...

I am sorry but I do not trust her an inch, she sounds like a BSer to me, who seems to revel in causing drama.

[Poutrew]

OP, are you sure your girlfriend's last name isn't Frankenstein? Because it sounds to me like you are not her boyfriend, you are her project...

[harcourt]

Out of curiosity, why did you two cease dating each other the first time around a year ago?

[Gaeta]

Each update you give us my jaw drops.

 

I don't know anyone of 40+ that would enjoy these games of reaching on FB, calling ex to ask them WTH, and blowing wind about how much men want them, can't forget about them, and feel pulled by them. I just don't. To me that is all high school drama and I don't know any man of 40+ that would participate in this non sense.

 

I can only wish you good luck from here.

[SpiralOut]

I think she's projecting her own issues on you. She keeps demanding that you act "real" (as if you aren't already) when she is the one acting fake. She worries that you are a narcissist when she herself is displaying signs of narcissism (grandiose self-image, unable to accept criticism or admit maybe she is at fault. She blames everything on you instead of admitting that maybe your conversations are awkward because SHE is being pushy).

 

What other people say about you says much more about them than it does about you. This woman is no exception to the rule.

[Sunfire73]

She has drama written all over her. I know that because i have seen those people.

 

Emotional intimacies or opening up should not be pushed or forced. It should be built gently and gradually. She has to create that safe, non-judgmental and loving environment for you to open up. No one would respond positively to a point blank on the spot question. That sounds like interrogation. What's next? Filtering your words and feel like you're walking on eggshells?

 

Real loving relationship shouldn't that be hard, they're easy which brings yourself to open up more. She doesn't know how to do that, she's manipulative and once you get hooked, she will dump you like the previous guys she was engaged with.

[biker23]

Some progress I'll comment on.

 

Over the weekend I did a lot of reading online and determined some areas that o could grow and why I tense up so much. I'm always looking for self improvement even if it certainly isn't all me.

 

I never do email but wrote a summary to her. And linked my favorite article. It was very revealing about why some men cannot open up. We've gone out since a she loved the email. Apologized for Friday and said she understood and the article made sense. How can I open up if she's peppering me and challenging me? Progress. She did admit earlier she behaved that way because she thought I was doing it on purpose as she is used to that behavior from past guys. Narcissistic behavior. Said the article also helped her with her teenage son who is very quiet.

Also stated she has dated men similar to her in terms of emotional triggers that start incredible and passionate but explode and not last. Needs balance which I Provide.

We had great discussions about childhood. Xmas traditions. Future. After her stating the need to know how serious I was previously she has shifted to let's grow together and not pressure ourselves with future commitment. (Marriage) which was my stance from the beginning.

 

Thabks everyone for their thoughts. I'm probably done posting as I'm comfortable with my original issue and don't want a reality show thread.

[anika99]

This is off topic, but based on the above messages I want to comment.

 

Let me add more context into this woman. It may help explain or you may think its more horse***

 

It is common when we are out for people to approach us that know her. Women approach more than men. They know her through a friend of a friend (or even a third friend)..often she doesnt know them. She obviously has an impact on people and they want to know her or reach out. They know her name, what she does. She and I have talked about it...it can be a bit creepy.

 

Men do this typically on FB. You can send a message to anyone on FB.

 

She also has Exs or guys she meets in everyday life contact her and want to go out...to lunch or coffee or whatever. Many are married and she gets in their face on what the hell are they doing. Recently an Ex that she felt was one of the nicer guys, saw us at an outdoor patio bar and got up and threw his drink into the trash and stormed off. She told me later that she called him and said WTH was that. He said he thought she was there showing off her new attractive BF and purposely sat near him...well, she didnt even see him (according to her) and told me he should have done the right thing and walked over and introduced himself.

 

There was more to this latest FB story. She told me whom he was a friend of and asked if I noticed him at the restaurant as he was sitting alone and was off to the side. Men rarely approach her directly. Her point of even telling me was when we were talking about how our discussions can look so uncomfortable to the public and this was an example of someone noticing that(honestly, the guy just wants to go out and would say anything to discredit me). But it is far from the first time she is contacted on FB by seemingly random guys. I said it was insulting and she responded she gives it zero credit as she wasnt going to respond.

 

Many of my past GFs get their FB messenger and text blown up daily from guys. They are relentless.

 

Back to topic, I've found some great articles on opening up emotionally and how guys struggle with it and why. Many hit home for me and is providing me with some growth regardless of this relationship. I'll share that sometime later.

 

People think she's lying about all this and she may very well be but for a moment let's assume the stories she tells you are true. It still adds to the red flags. She obviously thrives on all this drama. The above sounds similar to someone with narcissistic personality disorder or borderline personality disorder. Not saying that she is certifiably personality disordered, just that she is leaning in that direction.

 

She positively basks in attention from men, both negative and positive. Oh I'm sure she feigns outrage but she enjoys feeling like she affects men and she especially likes to wring as much as she can out of people to feed her own ego. Why would she care that her ex stormed out of the restaurant? Or have the audacity to believe that he owed her some kind of explanation for his feelings? So much so that she went out of her way to angrily call him?

 

I'll tell you why. Because she enjoyed it. When she saw him storm off and thought that he did so because of her she loved it. It fed her overinflated ego and she wanted more. She called him so her desperate ego could get even more validation that she has power over men and that they desire her. She loves it so much. Not only does her ego get fed by many men she uses their attention to get more attention from you. She tells you these stories because she wants you to know how desired she is, how every man wants her, even the men she has hurt, even men with wives and families. She is a true goddess in her mind, loved, adored and desired by all.

 

It was incredibly inappropriate of her to call her ex and ask wth? If he is an ex then his feelings are none of her business and if wants to walk off angrily what's it to her? But she has no boundaries and doesn't respect the boundaries of others. When she encounters normal healthy boundaries it angers her. She demands that people let their guard down, she demands intimacy before it is earned, she has no healthy boundaries and she likes to tear down the healthy boundaries of others, much like a cluster b personality disordered person.

[anika99]

Sorry just saw your last update. Well good luck. LS will still be here for you after this woman gets through with you and moves onto the next guy.

[kidm]

Some progress I'll comment on.

 

Over the weekend I did a lot of reading online and determined some areas that o could grow and why I tense up so much. I'm always looking for self improvement even if it certainly isn't all me.

 

I never do email but wrote a summary to her. And linked my favorite article. It was very revealing about why some men cannot open up. We've gone out since a she loved the email. Apologized for Friday and said she understood and the article made sense. How can I open up if she's peppering me and challenging me? Progress. She did admit earlier she behaved that way because she thought I was doing it on purpose as she is used to that behavior from past guys. Narcissistic behavior. Said the article also helped her with her teenage son who is very quiet.

Also stated she has dated men similar to her in terms of emotional triggers that start incredible and passionate but explode and not last. Needs balance which I Provide.

We had great discussions about childhood. Xmas traditions. Future. After her stating the need to know how serious I was previously she has shifted to let's grow together and not pressure ourselves with future commitment. (Marriage) which was my stance from the beginning.

 

Thabks everyone for their thoughts. I'm probably done posting as I'm comfortable with my original issue and don't want a reality show thread.

 

I guess her new pet project continues. The irony of all of this is you have now evolved into exactly what she wanted - of course she loved the email. That was you opening up even more. You are even doing homework! I hope most of us on here are wrong and this turns out to be a wonderful union. Mazel Tov.

[biker23]

I wanted to update this post.

 

We have gotten much closer but there is an overriding problem. It's similar to the original topic. I am too vague and topical in my conversation. And honestly I find it incredibly difficult as I've never been told this. I've talked about my past and future goals. It's more than that. She needs more she says. What happens typically is we have a great evening but towards the end she gets upset. I understand now it's because she's frustrated. I am in her heart and she loves everything about me BUT is lacking a strong emotional connection due to me being vague. Says it feels fake as if she can't trust me.

I made an analogy Saturday about the avatar movie. We both love it. She has this deep spiritual need like the tribe in the movie. I'm the marine with a huge heart who ends up understanding that connection and the significance. She loved it.

Unfortunately we got into a bit of an argument where she admits it is getting to the point that maybe we are more great friends than lovers. She stated she may want to date other people. And said she needs companionship and is lonely as a single mom. That hurts as I said I would spend much more time with her and she said we would just argue. Granted we had just argued.

I'm frustrated as one of my life wants in a relationship is the same deep connection and I feel that building with her. I am a logical engineer but I'm emotional as well. Thus im frustrated on how to fix this. I need examples to build on. I've talked to old girlfriends and friends that are girls and they don't think I am vague. Im successful in business and build relationships across cultures etc. I'm at a loss. I admit that sometimes I can't put my feelings into words easily. So I'll pause or what I say seems too simple. Tongue tied. I feel put on the spot at this point so I stumble.

 

She wants to take dance lessons together and is excited to take me out for my bday this weekend. But how do I proceed? She is never friends with ex boyfriends. I'm not sure her motive. I'm optimistic she's still trying to build the connection she seeks. I asked if it was too late given I understand the connection she wants and I want It as well. She said she can't answer that as she hasn't seen or heard this change yet.

Can anyone give me an example here? We talk on many topics. Do I bring up topics or questions randomly for potential deep conversation?

Edited January 16, 2017 by biker23

[biker23]

I'm going to flip this around. I know I'm not vague or fake. Anyone who knows me agrees. That she doesn't means she doesn't know me.

 

Our relationship has been built around fun dates. Me courting her and going on fun day adventures. Food drink. Hotels. Not as much talking between dates except texting of what's going on etc. She'd rarely talk on phone. Also I'm used to getting together and hanging out with a girlfriend. Cook dinner together. Relax. Get comfortable with each other. Build a relationship. This isn't the Bachelor with one on one dates where you have to use that time to impress the lady.

 

The best part of our relationship and that drew us together was our trip together. With each other 24/7. We are closer now but still don't do that.

 

You can't force a deep connection and I can't fix it. I'm going to propose more casual get togethers. The dance lessons etc

 

She talks about being real. That's real. A foodie bar hopping night is fun and important but not real.

 

Thx

[elaine567]

Unfortunately we got into a bit of an argument where she admits it is getting to the point that maybe we are more great friends than lovers. She stated she may want to date other people. And said she needs companionship and is lonely as a single mom. That hurts as I said I would spend much more time with her and she said we would just argue. Granted we had just argued.

 

Anyone who suggests seeing other people usually wants to see other people, even though they may downplay it or say it was a joke later, No-one drops that bomb unless they are being deliberately cruel to hurt someone or they mean it.

I guess she means it.

 

She seems to have always struggled connecting to you and I guess she now feels you two are not compatible, hence the " we are great friends, not great lovers" comment. I am not sure if this "connection" she feels that is missing is a deep and meaningful spiritual one or she is talking complete airy fairy nonsense, who knows?

It is not your fault or hers, it is just that she doesn't see you as "the one". YOU are twisting and turning to change yourself into what it is that she wants, but that is unsustainable.

 

As much as it will hurt, take a clean break.

YOU are emotionally invested in this woman so doing casual or being "friends" will hurt you like hell.

All's fine until she starts telling you about all the other guys she is seeing/dating/sleeping with as you are "just her good friend".

[Gaeta]

ohhhh honey you are SO wasting your time here.

 

You feel a connection, she doesn't. It happens all the time in dating.

 

Instead of admitting it's not working for her she just blames you for HER feelings not developing.

 

She is extremely emotionally immature to make you responsible for her feelings not developing.

 

She sounds like such a nag OMG how can you endure this.

 

Listen, it's suppose to be easy and flow naturally, when it doesn't you let go !

[Empyrea]

This just sounds like a compatibility issue. She's looking for something in you that she's used to or that she's enjoyed in the past which you can't give her. In addition, she's not the best at expressing what it is exactly that she's lacking (probably because she doesn't know). You said you talked to other women who disagree and don't think you're vague - it's just one word she's used to describe a more generic feeling of something missing for her. You might be putting in a lot of effort trying to change yourself, but she's not doing a very good job at liking you for you, is she? Ultimately, you can't change a person. Even if you learn how to feign it for a while, it's just not something that comes naturally to you or that's true to who you are. This just doesn't sound like the foundation for a happy, lasting relationship, sorry.

[Versacehottie]

ohhhh honey you are SO wasting your time here.

 

You feel a connection, she doesn't. It happens all the time in dating.

 

Instead of admitting it's not working for her she just blames you for HER feelings not developing.

 

She is extremely emotionally immature to make you responsible for her feelings not developing.

 

She sounds like such a nag OMG how can you endure this.

 

Listen, it's suppose to be easy and flow naturally, when it doesn't you let go !

 

Yes, this is the girl version of stringing someone along>>>you are in a defined relationship but she will keep stating there is not a strong enough connection, try to change you, yet not want to be boyfriendless. You will waste a lot of time. She has told you from many angles (except the final one) that this isn't going to work for her. How are you falling for this b.s where you are repeatedly being picked apart and told "you' and the way you interact is not good enough for her? She is chipping away at your core. Pay attention. This will have long-lasting effects, even after she dumps you. Sorry, biker--I think you should bail.

Edited January 16, 2017 by Versacehottie

[bachdude]

OP, it's not your fault at all. She's an emotional empty person who is looking for a man to fill the void and she will never be happy, EVER.

 

 

How many called off engagements does she have under her belt again? I lost track.

 

 

And of course it's your fault in her eyes. And that is the way it would be for the duration of the relationship if you two were to stay together. Never satisfied and your fault - that would be your life.

 

 

People connect in different ways. But for her, your way is the wrong way and her's is the right way. Oh, and you're responsible for her emotions too!

 

 

OP, I hope once the pain and feelings pass you can look back objectively and see this relationship for what it was - unhealthy for you.