Amazing GF says I don't share deep feelings or past

[anika99]

True. Could she be concerned herself that I'm a player and this is a method to discuss it? I could bring it up next time.

 

Question: if there isn't a way for me to satisfy her need for sharing or if it really is an issue of a great regular joe vs narcissist, how do I challenge and discuss this. Maybe she's used to guys that have all these bull**** answers and unload on her and that hasn't worked. all I could do is challenge and plant a seed. ?

 

What she really wants is for you to be just like one of her loser narcissist ex boyfriends. Oh I'm sure she says the opposite but she is clearly craving the drama and passion that a narcissist brings. She loves the drama of it all and that's why she thinks you're boring. The only way your going to satisfy this woman is to turn yourself into somebody else.

 

I think your making a mistake in continuing this relationship. Yes we learn about ourselves through our relationships so if this woman has made you do some navel gazing and self reflection then that's a good thing but it doesn't mean she is the right person for you. Take what you have learned to the next woman who will love you for who you are and not call you boring because she is a drama queen who relies on outside validation and stimulus to feel. Cut this one loose, she is bad news.

[Popsicle]

I wanted to reboot this a bit. After my post above we have had a tougher week.

I do find it exhausting and frustrating. It's inconsistent.

We had a great dinner Monday after the above weekend. She was very much into me and I could feel her pulling closer. and then a small argument on a past relationship of mine. I had never mentioned it but there was no need. It was a 4 week relationship over a year ago. But she used it as an example of not knowing me. It felt like a hidden bomb. No reason for me to talk on this relationship. No need to catalog it. We weren't even exclusive. (Sounds defensive but I didn't consciously not mention it). Then later after many drinks she got pissed and quite cold. Said I wasn't real with her and maybe I'm not emotionally available. Called me judgmental. It upset me and I would look at ceiling or wall unconsciously to consider how to respond. She'd call me out and say I'm right here. Look at me. It was rough. Is it true some truth comes out when so drunk or is it just drunken behavior.

I left next am and she was feeling hungover bad. Said she loved me and I left for work.

Saw her Weds and it was a much better time. I shared a lot and felt more comfortable. She said it was the best conversation we've ever had.

 

Now tonite. A later dinner. She's not been as responsive on text all week but not unresponsive either. Just noticeable. She's been wanting to meet my daughter who arrives this eeekend and is now questioning that.

I pick her up and it feels good but maybe a bit odd. Normal chit chat and we go to the restaurant. Drink in bar waiting for a table. Then she looks at me and asks so what else is going on? But I take her tone and mannerism as it's time to share and lets go. So it makes my mind spin trying to think of a topic. Where normally we just have easy conversation. We talked on a few topics and then went to table. It was ok. I mentioned a few things about work that happened that day. About my son etc.

Long story short she says I'm still holding back. Feels like the relationship is work and is exhausting. She loves and adores me and we have a great time together but has these concerns. Says I tense up in conversations that should flow. My voice raises and she feels others are looking at our intense uncomfortable conversation.

I know I'm feeding off her tone and mannerisms to make me tense and try to figure out what to say. When I should just relax. I think I'm still worried about how she feels and losing her when she says I have no worries there so just relax. But why do I get a roadblock in my head on how to answer.

She also said she didn't like me talk about business all the time. Says I share that easily but doesn't want to hear about it at a romantic Italian dinner. That's a turnoff.

I asked her what changed this week. She said good question and she wanted to get back to me on it. I pushed a bit and she repeated she'd think on it. I think 'ooookay'

 

So we have amazing times and have people comment how happy we are. But some nights feel odd like this while others flow smoothly. When they don't it seems it's all hinged on how I react to questions and how she asks them and how I think they should be answered. It's a powder keg.

 

So yes I feel judged at this point and that makes it even harder to answer. I'm trying to tell myself to just relax and say whatever is in my mind. If it isn't what she expected or wanted then so be it.

 

We both understand we love each other. Very serious. I do think she wants more discussions about what we want. Honestly I'm getting a bit of an aha right now. Talk more real on us. Where we are going. While I'm thinking of things that happened this week or in my past etc. I'm not used to upfront frank discussions on how we feel in a relationship. I guess I try to gage and make assumptions vs just asking. Scared of the anwser? Shouldn't be.

 

Good, I'm glad you are gaining more closeness.

[Gaeta]

OP, how old are you and her? I asked if she was much younger than you but I can't see a reply.

 

I am asking because when I was 20 I felt it was important to know everything about my then boyfriend. I wanted to know how many women he dated, he had sex with, who broke his heart, etc. If I could have had every little details of his past life I would have welcomed them. Now that I am 50 I could not care less about the details of a BF's past relationships. I want a summarize of his past and nothing else. We will connect over 'today', not over yesterday.

[kidm]

You're never going to be enough because the mundane to her is boring. You're always going to have to keep her feeling "connected." When two people are truly in love, they can sit together and watch a movie without saying a word and still feel satisfied and connected. She wants an autobiography of your life and your manifesto on why you're dating her, etc. every single time you're together. No long term relationship can survive on such intensity. She's has three failed engagements- let's not forget she is the common denominator in all of them. It's a glaring red flag especially coupled with all this drama she is creating with you. You're not looking for psychiatrist or psychologist. You're looking for a woman to create a future with. Deep conversations happen naturally and are not constant. She encouraged you to get on that level and now is claiming someone heard you and doesn't believe you're authentic. Guess what? Because very few people have such conversations at a restaurant plus I'm sure she is making that up and even if she isn't; it should tell you none of this seems natural from a third party's viewpoint. I'm sorry but she sounds like a nutjob who thrives on the high of new relationship and encouraging the other party to share everything there is to share and be vulnerable until there is nothing left. How long can you continue with this mumbo jumbo? Sheeesh

[Gaeta]

Last night she told me she got a Facebook message from a guy she doesn't really know. Is a friend of one of her friends. Anyway he was apparently near us at dinner on Weds and could hear us. He said to watch out for me as I sounded like I was full of crap and a player. What? Best conversation in a long time but yes it did have a lot of how I feel for her and what I want etc. Deep personal powerful stuff but someone thought it was BS. and honestly the level at which we talk I could almost understand that if I didn't know our relationship. But anyway she used it as a start of the conversation about how others see how tense our conversations are. They may notice that but how many are talking about the definition of morals and the inspiration of life and happiness and how that fits into our life and relationship. ??? None.

 

You believe that ?? LOL

That is a fabrication and That's high school drama!

 

Can you imagine yourself writting to an acquaintance that was sitting not far from you to tell her the man she was having dinner with looked like a player?? C'mon!

 

You want to subject your child to this type manipulation?

 

Drop this manipulating juvenile woman and find yourself a real woman.

[Versacehottie]

Sounds like she wants to be someone you are not.....

[anika99]

You believe that ?? LOL

That is a fabrication and That's high school drama!

 

Can you imagine yourself writting to an acquaintance that was sitting not far from you to tell her the man she was having dinner with looked like a player?? C'mon!

 

You want to subject your child to this type manipulation?

 

Drop this manipulating juvenile woman and find yourself a real woman.

 

I believe the OP said early on in this thread that they were both about 40yrs old.

 

I agree that the facebook message was a lie. How is that this fb friend feels close enough to message her his opinion about the guy she's dating yet he never thought to say hello to her when he saw her at dinner. Apparently he was close enough to hear their conversation yet somehow hidden from view because the OPs gf never saw him? LOL..what a bunch of immature mind game crap!

 

She apparently considers herself a relationship expert but she sounds emotionally stunted and unstable to me.

[biker23]

OP, how old are you and her? I asked if she was much younger than you but I can't see a reply.

 

I am asking because when I was 20 I felt it was important to know everything about my then boyfriend. I wanted to know how many women he dated, he had sex with, who broke his heart, etc. If I could have had every little details of his past life I would have welcomed them. Now that I am 50 I could not care less about the details of a BF's past relationships. I want a summarize of his past and nothing else. We will connect over 'today', not over yesterday.

 

She is 37. I'm 42.

 

It's an odd mix. I feel she is of high character and certainly believe she thinks so. Has a high opinion of herself which isn't an insult. And I'm madly in love with her but with everyone's comments and my thoughts I'm trying to piece together her motives. She typically has a plan for everything. For example I suspect she had an agenda for dinner last night before I even picked her up. She has said I check so many boxes for her and women in general with appearance, career, stable, fun/funny, caring etc.

I know I just need to relax and be myself and speak my mind. I worry too much to say the right thing. What she would want to hear. That's blocking me. That can't last and is stupid. Be me. If that isn't enough then we aren't compatible.

 

But her motives:

- is she worried I am a player or narcissist and trying to dig in because she is feeling so strongly and doesn't want to waste time. She stayed she doesn't want to waste time.

- just wants a deeper connection that she isn't feeling. That final box to check.

- insecure. But I've shared my feelings. That's clear. But am I fake.

 

She is the same that wants no contact with any ex. From both ofvus

[introverted1]

OP, you sound beyond in love, frankly. I don't really understand why you are posting here. I am not saying that out of meanness, it's just that it is pretty clear you are unable to *see* at this point and our advice is falling on deaf ears (blind eyes?).

 

I think there will be a point when you do see, and very clearly, but that day is not now. So no matter how many of us tell you that this woman is not capable of a healthy adult relationship, you are not ready to hear that message.

 

For your sake, I hope that we are wrong.

[bachdude]

I'm in my 40's and I encounter a lot of men who can't or won't open up emotionally. I find it to be exhausting to have a struggle with them to open up and I don't really want to deal with it. If I have an open heart, I want someone who has an open heart too and I don't want to have to fight with someone to get it. Whether you're closed up because you've been burned or you've never learned this skill in life, it's not my problem to fix. It's yours.

 

Well, you know what, Popsicle...yes, we as men are often more stoic than females and society still brings us up that way, and maybe for very good reason.

 

Maybe it's because men are still the one's expected to stoically give up a seat on the life boat for women when the ship is going down,

 

or maybe we realize that if it comes between us and a women, the firefighter will choose the woman every time as the building is burning down,

 

or maybe it's because we know that when there is a strange noise downstairs it is us who will go down while the wife and children remain upstairs,

 

or maybe it's just the general realization that if required, we need to die for our wives and children.

 

Yes, maybe a little stoicism will help and keep us from falling apart if, God forbid, we ever have to encounter those moments.

 

This is just an aspect of being a man that females in general are completely clueless about.

 

OP, there is nothing wrong with you. You are probably the very guy who would sacrifice his life for his family..but maybe be boring as you do it.

 

God bless.

[anika99]

OP, you sound beyond in love, frankly. I don't really understand why you are posting here. I am not saying that out of meanness, it's just that it is pretty clear you are unable to *see* at this point and our advice is falling on deaf ears (blind eyes?).

 

I think there will be a point when you do see, and very clearly, but that day is not now. So no matter how many of us tell you that this woman is not capable of a healthy adult relationship, you are not ready to hear that message.

 

For your sake, I hope that we are wrong.

 

Agreed. OP you think she is of high character because she tells you she has high character but her history, her behavior and her dishonesty (fake story about facebook friend) tell a different story. However you are blinded by her so I don't think you will see the truth until she bleeds you dry emotionally and leaves you broken in the dust so that she can conquer the next guy. This is going to suck for you but it's your choice.

[Gaeta]

She is 37. I'm 42.

 

I feel she is of high character and certainly believe she thinks so.

 

If you think she has high character then you never met a woman of high character. This woman has no character, she is a liar and a manipulator. What you perceive as high character is just her being full of herself.

[biker23]

Some asked why am I even posting here if I'm not willing to take the advice and dump her. Well because you aren't experiencing the relationship, only my words of specifics that I'm sharing that concern me. The 5%.

 

However, I soak in the comments and they do help me. Im quite aware this woman makes me act differently than myself. Less confident. She's in the drivers seat in the relationship which is rare for me. I need to change that.

Your comments help remove some blinders for me. Bring me back to earth. Because no I don't want a long term relationship the way it is now. The good dates are simply the best nights I've had.

Her method to address something is the opposite of ignoring it. She shakes the tree.

I'm willing to not change me but be me. Relax and be me. I am most of the time until she gets intense. Internally I have to relax and be me and not care if being me ends up ending the relationship. No need to waste time

[Brieanna]

I see you have already got lots of valid, helpful perspectives....

 

Yet just wanted to say one piece.

How two people get along on a vacation is not really too great an indicator on how they live together.

 

Sure, if you did bad on vacation, that would be an indicator that things may not go well...

 

Yet, Vacation attitudes are way different than real life living.

Does not at all mean you guys are living together compatible...imho.

[Gaeta]

Some asked why am I even posting here if I'm not willing to take the advice and dump her. Well because you aren't experiencing the relationship, only my words of specifics that I'm sharing that concern me. The 5%.

 

I doubt this represents 5% of your relationship, if it did you would not have a need to run this by people and the few days you were online with us she tried to manipulate you more than once and lied to you about this acquaintance at the restaurant.

 

Frankly only the lie about getting a message on fb should be enough to terminate this relationship. If she is able to lie like this to your face than she lied to you before and will again.

 

You don't seem to have any problem with her lie though. Why? Why are you ok with someone building such a ridiculous lie and feeding it to you?

[Versacehottie]

She is 37. I'm 42.

 

It's an odd mix. I feel she is of high character and certainly believe she thinks so. Has a high opinion of herself which isn't an insult. And I'm madly in love with her but with everyone's comments and my thoughts I'm trying to piece together her motives. She typically has a plan for everything. For example I suspect she had an agenda for dinner last night before I even picked her up. She has said I check so many boxes for her and women in general with appearance, career, stable, fun/funny, caring etc.

I know I just need to relax and be myself and speak my mind. I worry too much to say the right thing. What she would want to hear. That's blocking me. That can't last and is stupid. Be me. If that isn't enough then we aren't compatible.

 

But her motives:

- is she worried I am a player or narcissist and trying to dig in because she is feeling so strongly and doesn't want to waste time. She stayed she doesn't want to waste time.

- just wants a deeper connection that she isn't feeling. That final box to check.

- insecure. But I've shared my feelings. That's clear. But am I fake.

 

She is the same that wants no contact with any ex. From both ofvus

 

She is too much. I think it's normal that you are a bit blinded and figuring things out as you go. I'm just wondering if a few months from now if this (when?) this implodes if you will see what I've bolded above as telling as I do as an outsider now? She is telling you you check all these boxes (ugh on her, but ok) and the underlying theme of the rest of what she is HARPING on (yes that is what she is doing) is that you'd be good/fine if you changed these things about yourself. She is not even acknowledging your attempts which do seem, to me, a sufficient step in the right direction. Not to mention, maybe she should't be trying to CHANGE you. What i see for the future of staying with someone like this is that you will find yourself increasingly feeling resentment, which is the worst for a relationship. She sounds super controlling. Always having an agenda is par for the course. I also don't 100% believe the dinner/facebook story thing and it doesn't seem like high character AT ALL to pass this info onto you if it was true. Immature and drama. I'm telling you, she likes drama. It's not surprise at all to me that you are not feeling your normal confident self with this woman; she is tearing you down by telling you are not enough and not appreciating your efforts.

 

I think YOU should be the one worried about wasting your time. Not because you are older than she is but because I think you will regret this one ultimately. Good luck

[biker23]

I doubt this represents 5% of your relationship, if it did you would not have a need to run this by people and the few days you were online with us she tried to manipulate you more than once and lied to you about this acquaintance at the restaurant.

 

Frankly only the lie about getting a message on fb should be enough to terminate this relationship. If she is able to lie like this to your face than she lied to you before and will again.

 

You don't seem to have any problem with her lie though. Why? Why are you ok with someone building such a ridiculous lie and feeding it to you?

 

I hear you. So I assume it's a lie and leave. Or make a big deal out of it that I don't trust her which would be the same as leaving. Joy

[Popsicle]

Well, you know what, Popsicle...yes, we as men are often more stoic than females and society still brings us up that way, and maybe for very good reason.

 

Maybe it's because men are still the one's expected to stoically give up a seat on the life boat for women when the ship is going down,

 

or maybe we realize that if it comes between us and a women, the firefighter will choose the woman every time as the building is burning down,

 

or maybe it's because we know that when there is a strange noise downstairs it is us who will go down while the wife and children remain upstairs,

 

or maybe it's just the general realization that if required, we need to die for our wives and children.

 

Yes, maybe a little stoicism will help and keep us from falling apart if, God forbid, we ever have to encounter those moments.

 

This is just an aspect of being a man that females in general are completely clueless about.

 

OP, there is nothing wrong with you. You are probably the very guy who would sacrifice his life for his family..but maybe be boring as you do it.

 

God bless.

 

That's great, except I don't see any single guys like the dudes you describe here. Sure, there are married ones like what you describe, but the single dudes I see are stoic AND they don't believe in any of the stuff you said above. They want equality.

 

biker23, I'm actually rooting for you. I don't think you should dump her, nor do I think she's crazy, as the skeptics and/or undercover stoics suggest. I think you are good to want to learn something new about yourself and expand your life.

Edited December 17, 2016 by Popsicle

[TheAntiHero]

Everything is going good and your partner thinks the "solution" is for you to go "sob story" on her?

 

Give me a ***king break.

[biker23]

That's great, except I don't see any single guys like the dudes you describe here. Sure, there are married ones like what you describe, but the single dudes I see are stoic AND they don't believe in any of the stuff you said above. They want equality.

 

biker23, I'm actually rooting for you. I don't think you should dump her, nor do I think she's crazy, as the skeptics and/or undercover stoics suggest. I think you are good to want to learn something new about yourself and expand your life.

 

Thank you. Honestly I have learned and grown and expanded my life and outlook. I'm going to focus on myself and represent myself. I don't like how certain circumstances tense me up as I'm great otherwise. I'll focus on just being myself AND more confident to question or challenge back without fear of her opinion.

[biker23]

What if I quesrion her comments on boredom. If she needs the drama to get excited. Would have to word it different as she already claims to hate drama. We stay off social media for example.

 

She uses the comment 'real' often. Big focus last night. Just be real. Don't tense up and act fake. Be vulnerable and real. She concerned if I can't relax around her that it won't work and she wants it to work.

[anika99]

That's great, except I don't see any single guys like the dudes you describe here. Sure, there are married ones like what you describe, but the single dudes I see are stoic AND they don't believe in any of the stuff you said above. They want equality.

 

biker23, I'm actually rooting for you. I don't think you should dump her, nor do I think she's crazy, as the skeptics and/or undercover stoics suggest. I think you are good to want to learn something new about yourself and expand your life.

 

So what do you think about a woman who would make up a story about some fake facebook friend messaging her and saying the OP sounds like a player, because it's pretty obvious that she made that up. Do you think a woman who would do something dishonest and manipulative like that is able to have a mature and and healthy relationship? Do you think her need for drama and intensity is emotionally stable?

[bachdude]

What if I quesrion her comments on boredom. If she needs the drama to get excited. Would have to word it different as she already claims to hate drama. We stay off social media for example.

 

She uses the comment 'real' often. Big focus last night. Just be real. Don't tense up and act fake. Be vulnerable and real. She concerned if I can't relax around her that it won't work and she wants it to work.

 

 

Gads, she holding the threat of break up over your head too!

[bachdude]

Genuine intimacy isn't coerced. It has to be voluntary and freely given, based on mutual trust, not pressure from a threat of break up.

[bachdude]

That's great, except I don't see any single guys like the dudes you describe here. Sure, there are married ones like what you describe, but the single dudes I see are stoic AND they don't believe in any of the stuff you said above. They want equality.

 

 

Perhaps, but here are three heroic examples. All young men in their 20s. From the NY Daily News,

 

 

"Three survivors of the Colorado movie-theater massacre escaped with minor wounds, but were left with broken hearts because their heroic boyfriends died saving them.

 

 

In final acts of valor, Jon Blunk, Matt McQuinn and Alex Teves used their bodies to shield their girlfriends as accused madman James Holmes turned the Aurora cineplex into a shooting gallery.

 

 

Blunk’s girlfriend, Jansen Young; McQuinn’s girlfriend, Samantha Yowler; and Teves’ gal pal Amanda Lindgren made it out of the bloodbath — but they would have been killed had it not been for the loves of their lives..."