Amazing GF says I don't share deep feelings or past

[biker23]

Here are my 2 cents:

She wants to know who you are. But you don't know who you are and the purpose of your life. When you just follow the flow and don't have a purpose, life gets boring. She senses that boredom and the lack of passion. So she probes this question by asking you what you did in the past. She probably wants to know if the passion that is lacking in your current relationship exited in your past.

 

Don't fall into the trap of talking about past relationships. Lots of otherwise good relationships get destroyed by the ghost from the past. Simply say: The past is past. I don't miss it. I like what's happening in present.

 

Hmmmm. Well that's insulting. I'm a Christian man with morals. Great father with great kids. Role model for my daughter to pursue her dreams at school in California. Live a healthy lifestyle with great hobbies and interests. Successful in my career. I want to plan my future with a wife. I don't want to plan it alone. Period.

 

She stated this past weekend I'm the complete package. I think she feels I don't realize that.

 

BUT she has stated she is used to very passionate men (that ended badly) that excite and challenge her. Gets her revved up. I can be boring.

I believe I can step up to that. It's only 3 months and still kid gloves on the relationships. Probably not taking enough risk.

Edited December 9, 2016 by biker23

[basil67]

So, about her having been cheated on and fooled in the past: Generally speaking, how does she view the majority of her exes? Would she say "Mostly good guys, but just not compatible" or "They've all let me down/used me"?

[biker23]

So, about her having been cheated on and fooled in the past: Generally speaking, how does she view the majority of her exes? Would she say "Mostly good guys, but just not compatible" or "They've all let me down/used me"?

 

Great point. I struggle with this. More of the later. Some literally mentally unstable. Some just cheaters. Narcisstic. I think one ex whom was her latest engagement that ended 1.5 yrs ago is the most normal. Apparently he was more the former. Got engaged and changed. She wasn't the priority anymore. She was taken for granted etc. I'm sure I'm hearing small bits but she pulled the plug figuring this was just engagement not even marriage. She tried to reconcile 2 months later but saw he was already dating some girl after 4 years with her and engaged. Only 2 months later he was moved on. She was done.

 

My point is selfishly I feel I'm a better person than these guys. But yet she's acting so careful with me. Like I'm such an unknown. The guy she dated very quick and heavy earlier this year ended up literally mentally unstable. How could she miss that. But yet take me slow. Which is fine as it's been amazing as it feels much more emotional. I'm just comparing which is a bad thing to do.

[benpom]

Hmmmm. Well that's insulting. I'm a Christian man with morals. Great father with great kids. Role model for my daughter to pursue her dreams at school in California. Live a healthy lifestyle with great hobbies and interests. Successful in my career. I want to plan my future with a wife. I don't want to plan it alone. Period.

 

She stated this past weekend I'm the complete package. I think she feels I don't realize that.

 

BUT she has stated she is used to very passionate men (that ended badly) that excite and challenge her. Gets her revved up. I can be boring.

I believe I can step up to that. It's only 3 months and still kid gloves on the relationships. Probably not taking enough risk.

 

Sorry I said things that make you feel this way. I did not mean to do it. I got this impression through your original post - quote 'she says it seems like I am just goIng through life day by day.'

 

However, your recent post is giving a very difference angle of her opinion.

 

To me it seems like there are some conflicting information here, or perhaps she is feeling a little conflicted.

[Versacehottie]

Great point. I struggle with this. More of the later. Some literally mentally unstable. Some just cheaters. Narcisstic. I think one ex whom was her latest engagement that ended 1.5 yrs ago is the most normal. Apparently he was more the former. Got engaged and changed. She wasn't the priority anymore. She was taken for granted etc. I'm sure I'm hearing small bits but she pulled the plug figuring this was just engagement not even marriage. She tried to reconcile 2 months later but saw he was already dating some girl after 4 years with her and engaged. Only 2 months later he was moved on. She was done.

 

My point is selfishly I feel I'm a better person than these guys. But yet she's acting so careful with me. Like I'm such an unknown. The guy she dated very quick and heavy earlier this year ended up literally mentally unstable. How could she miss that. But yet take me slow. Which is fine as it's been amazing as it feels much more emotional. I'm just comparing which is a bad thing to do.

 

Actually I know someone said that she is wisely trying to protect herself this time around but i don't really agree with that. My guess would be that a woman that ends up having 3 engagements that all get broken, needs guys that come on hot and heavy (regardless of if it is b.s.) and speak endlessly about the relationship, the state of the relationship and future plans. I'm guessing she needs that over the top drama to feel like she is high on love. I think she is trying to change her pattern a bit by picking a guy (you) that is more stable but she still needs and wants the high that she got with the way the (loser) guys pursued her. Assuming they are losers. I think it hasn't been that long and in a way you have to examine why SHE got herself in those situations. If you ask me, coupled with the stuff she is bringing up now, she seeks it out and enjoys until until it becomes too much of the bad drama and not enough of the good. She sounds pushy and intense. i don't think it's 100% on the "loser" guys she is no longer with. It's rarely 100% on the other person. Also needing to know about your past relationships is a sign of what type she is. I'm gonna say not much good comes out of in depth conversations about past relationship/exes--it's like inviting a 3rd party or a ghost into your present relationship. The "need" to know is IMO usually from the type of person who really believes that what's going on in your mind and all of your past is her right to know and that level of intensity the whole time. Are you up for that?

[biker23]

Sorry I said things that make you feel this way. I did not mean to do it. I got this impression through your original post - quote 'she says it seems like I am just goIng through life day by day.'

 

However, your recent post is giving a very difference angle of her opinion.

 

To me it seems like there are some conflicting information here, or perhaps she is feeling a little conflicted.

 

It's all good.

 

Yes she may be conflicted. And again my full disclosure this week may have changed things. Yes I can be safe and stable. But I know I'm not boring so we can get through that. Balance.

 

Thanks everyone

[Mrin]

OP, really haven't read all of the thread but just wanted to offer this advice.

 

I know your GF. Not literally but I know the type. Here's the thing, she bonds with people by getting to know them and that means knowing their stories. Knowing their thoughts. Knowing their fears, their dreams, their hopes. And their flaws. Until she can have access to that, you're just a Ken doll. It is like she can't get any footing with you until she can really get inside you and see what makes you tick. This isn't some sort of defensive or malicious thing, it is just how she bonds. And the conversations that come out of that sort of sharing are golden to her.

 

Let me tell you a story: I have the gift of gab. I can have a thrilling conversation with a doorknob (that's a quote from a long time friend). I am extremely open about myself - to a point. You see, I have this carefully manicured veneer to me. It is warm and inviting. Rich with details. Open and welcoming. Women I dated used to comment about how open I was with them and how they really got to know the real Mrin.

 

And then I met the love of my life. About three months into it she called BS on me. What she had discovered (much to my surprise) was that I had this veneer. I actually didn't even realize I had it. It was almost a costume of sorts. Well, being the Jedi that she is, she found the surface of it and called BS. It shocked me as honestly I didn't know it was there. She gave me a choice, like your GF is giving you, let me in or... well I don't know exactly what the else was. But it was definitely a choice.

 

And little by little I let her in. It was kinda daunting at first - right? I mean, everything in the veneer part of me had been focused grouped to death and I had no trouble sharing. But I had never expected to share any of the stuff on the other side of the veneer.

 

This is what I learned - the more I shared, the more she loved me. Craved me. Asked for more. Things like insecurities, failures, weaknesses, she ate them up like candy. Because I became more real, more relatable. Not this amazing Superman-esque Ken doll veneer I had created. But a real person. She felt connected.

 

I think we all have these veneers. I just did a better job than you of making my a little more convincing that I was being open and genuine.

 

It wasn't easy letting her in. Something you said really struck home for me - you worry about saying the wrong thing or the wrong way. Here's what I learned - if you're open and prefacing it as deep sharing, you really can't say it wrong. In fact the more raw and blunt it is the better - because it is real.

 

Another way of saying it: be vulnerable, stupid!

 

That's what worked for me my friend. Not sure if it will work for you but consider giving it a try. Make her a nice dinner, get a good bottle (or two) of wine, and open yourself up to sharing by answering her questions. And while you're at it, ask a few as well.

 

Best of luck!

 

Mrin

[biker23]

And then I met the love of my life. About three months into it she called BS on me. What she had discovered (much to my surprise) was that I had this veneer. I actually didn't even realize I had it. It was almost a costume of sorts. Well, being the Jedi that she is, she found the surface of it and called BS. It shocked me as honestly I didn't know it was there. She gave me a choice, like your GF is giving you, let me in or... well I don't know exactly what the else was. But it was definitely a choice.

 

And little by little I let her in. It was kinda daunting at first - right? I mean, everything in the veneer part of me had been focused grouped to death and I had no trouble sharing. But I had never expected to share any of the stuff on the other side of the veneer.

 

Well this sounds familiar. I think its part of why I am surprised and a bit shell shocked. and perplexed. It has made me question things and challenge myself. Whats difficult is, as you state, its not really a conscious decision. I'm not aware of whats behind a veneer, or why there is a veneer. For me as I think more, it has to do with being vulnerable and maybe judged. Saying the right things vs. just sharing.

 

For example, she will ask a simple question such as, have I ever been in a very passionate relationship? Well, I have my long marriage, the relationships when I was young prior to marriage and then the few short relationships since being divorced for 2 years. So if my marriage wasnt the most passionate, I struggle to say Yes...which sounds bad to me. While she has been in multiple long relationships with passion. I know I desire it, was I trapped in a marriage without it and how does that reflect to her? Am I not capable of it? I think of these things quickly which clams me up vs. just sharing. I did mention a relationship before marriage, but then couldnt really expand on it as much as it was 20 years ago and not really relative anyway. In hindsight, I could say No...not to the extent that I want and thus why I've been making changes in my life and why I am so attracted to her.

 

OR, we talked about morals...she asked, what are morals to you? Well, I never thought about it in words as its clear to me. So I stammer and think quickly well, its loyalty, respect, christian values etc..etc..

I flipped the script and asked her...she mentions most of the same words and in reality didnt answer the question any better than me. I need to think of this more as a conversation and less like a right/wrong interview question.

 

So it really boils down to trying to say what i mean and say it correctly and the concern that either I will be judged or not come across accurately or create an issue that isnt really there. Its not me trying to hide anything or be someone that I am not. No skeletons.

[Miss Peach]

The fact I clam up is this reason. Which I can explain and state. But I feel judged to not have highly articulated future goals to the level she's expecting I guess.

 

I can understand your point here. I am the same way. It caused a lot of fights with my XBF when I got pragmatic talking about things like marriage and future plans. I've found there are people who want to dream a bit and others who keep their heads out of the clouds. The dreamers don't like it when the pragmatic people throw a wet blanket on the dream IME. This is just the type of person she is and you'll have to figure out how to communicate around this.

 

He actually would have run a mile if I expected him to sit down and have deep conversations with him. Deep and meaningful conversations are what a woman's girlfriends are for.

 

Lastly, she probably does want to know where this is going. But IT'S ONLY THREE MONTHS IN. It's far too early. Do it her way and it will all crash and burn like her previous engagements.

 

I disagree with both these points.

 

I have mostly male friends and I have deep, thoughtful conversations with most of them. I expect it in a romantic partner too. It makes me feel connected and that I know someone. I've found that men tend to open up more around women who make it a point not to be judgmental in any way.

 

As for the where are we going, I would want to know that too at 3 months. I don't need to know marriage and such but I would want to know if, so far, that is something a guy could see that stuff with me. To be honest if that stuff were off the table I would have to leave because I wouldn't want to attach to a man who didn't have similar goals to mine. I am OK with some fuzzy goals like you mentioned Biker so things can be planned, but being on the same page about things like marriage and kids is hugely important to me.

 

She's very focused on loyalty. I think my recent discussion where I laid out my feelings and future intentions for us really satisfied her.

 

She's an alpha female and very attractive so for her to have some insecurities I guess surprises me. But then again she's been cheated on and fooled.

 

Actually this is very alpha female behavior. They want to interview men typically. Cross things off their list.

 

I like asking open ended and history questions too because it's an easy way to get a sense of the guy and most guys it's easier to lure out their true selves by encouraging them to tell you stories.

[Popsicle]

I'm in my 40's and I encounter a lot of men who can't or won't open up emotionally. I find it to be exhausting to have a struggle with them to open up and I don't really want to deal with it. If I have an open heart, I want someone who has an open heart too and I don't want to have to fight with someone to get it. Whether you're closed up because you've been burned or you've never learned this skill in life, it's not my problem to fix. It's yours.

[LargoLagg]

I'm in my 40's and I encounter a lot of men who can't or won't open up emotionally. I find it to be exhausting to have a struggle with them to open up and I don't really want to deal with it. If I have an open heart, I want someone who has an open heart too and I don't want to have to fight with someone to get it. Whether you're closed up because you've been burned or you've never learned this skill in life, it's not my problem to fix. It's yours.

I like this post. Nice.

 

Biker, I think it has nothing to do with cheating, or your goals, whatever they are, or the reason you married or divorced or any of that. I don't think she's looking for a drama to critique. She's trying to get to know you, and not in the way you think.

 

I think that to her, this is the way she measures how close you are right now, and she will feel a satisfaction or dissatisfaction about what the future looks like with you.

 

If the true and ultimate depth of a relationship is a 10, and she's at a 5 while you're at a 2, then this is what she wants to understand. It may be unfair. Other posters have basically said that this is uncomfortable for them. I guess you've said that. That's fine for you, but she doesn't care what you say, pretty much. She just wants to know that you CAN say it, or that you can't (see Popsicle above). You've admitted that you're uncomfortable, which to her, says something about the level of trust that you've built between the two of you. It says you don't trust her with that private part of you. It follows, therefore, that she cannot trust you either, even if the reasons are ambiguous to you.

 

This is what she's exploring, whether or not she can articulate it. She wants to understand how capable you are of doing this. Again, see Popsicle above. Some people are simply incapable of it. You've heard from them too.

 

Long story short, you might not be right for each other. I suspect you find this a little exhausting yourself.

Edited December 9, 2016 by LargoLagg

[Gaeta]

She said she is used to guys locking her down or trying. Marriage. Kids. And quickly. I didn't do that but did state it's not out of the question and I'm certainly focused 100% on her.

 

She's an alpha female and very attractive so for her to have some insecurities I guess surprises me. But then again she's been cheated on and fooled.

 

And what those guys coming on hot and heavy brought her so far? Nothing.

 

Is she much younger than you by any chance? She sounds young to me. Like a young woman with a fairy tale definition of life and love. Hot and heavy is not love and is not the way to compatible long term love.

 

She is not an alpha female. Alpha females do not pick to date narcisists, and even less having a year relationship with them. Alpha female would drop a narcisist man at the sight of a first red flag. She has no time to deal with BS. She may be good looking but she does not fit the alpha female type.

[OatsAndHall]

I really don't know what I would do in your shoes.. You've told her and showed her how much you care but it's not enough... I don't know, throw down a bed of roses and recite Shakespeare before and after sex??

 

And, I would not be comfortable sharing much about my divorce with a woman, even in a serious relationship. I say this for two reason. Firstly, there are things between partners that are PRIVATE and that don't need to be shared unless they have a direct impact on the relationship. I am a private person and that's just a part of who I am. There are many things about my past that few people know about and it will stay that way. I don't need to rehash all of the details of my divorce with a girlfriend to know what I learned from it and what I still need to work on. Secondly, it has caused women I have dated to read into our current relationship which results in issues. I let it slip to my current girlfriend once that I didn't care for my ex-wife's family. No details, just that they made me uncomfortable. Well, one of her brothers is a nice guy but he's crass and I don't like being around him. I will spend time with them together for her sake and just smile and nod when he says something crude. She kept pushing me to go fishing with her brother several times last summer and I politely declined each time. She finally asked me if I had an issue with him and I was honest and told her that he's a nice guy but his crassness bothers me. She was calm and collected about it but she took it pretty personally and did say "my family is not your ex's". She would still have been upset if I HADN'T told her about my ex's family but I feel like she took it harder knowing what she did.

[biker23]

Thought I would give an update. Dinner on Friday and we talked about the topics I had mentioned here. It went very well and I felt more comfortable then ever in sharing. Just relaxed.

 

Saturday I booked the Ritz downtown where we live and we had an awesome dinner and dancing before heading back to the hotel. Again, some great discussion over dinner and we were both enjoying ourselves immensely.

 

Definitely more sharing and just better conversation and we obviously got closer.

 

I want to thank everyone for their input.

[biker23]

I like this post. Nice.

 

Biker, I think it has nothing to do with cheating, or your goals, whatever they are, or the reason you married or divorced or any of that. I don't think she's looking for a drama to critique. She's trying to get to know you, and not in the way you think.

 

I think that to her, this is the way she measures how close you are right now, and she will feel a satisfaction or dissatisfaction about what the future looks like with you.

 

If the true and ultimate depth of a relationship is a 10, and she's at a 5 while you're at a 2, then this is what she wants to understand. It may be unfair. Other posters have basically said that this is uncomfortable for them. I guess you've said that. That's fine for you, but she doesn't care what you say, pretty much. She just wants to know that you CAN say it, or that you can't (see Popsicle above). You've admitted that you're uncomfortable, which to her, says something about the level of trust that you've built between the two of you. It says you don't trust her with that private part of you. It follows, therefore, that she cannot trust you either, even if the reasons are ambiguous to you.

 

This is what she's exploring, whether or not she can articulate it. She wants to understand how capable you are of doing this. Again, see Popsicle above. Some people are simply incapable of it. You've heard from them too.

 

Long story short, you might not be right for each other. I suspect you find this a little exhausting yourself.

 

I wanted to reboot this a bit. After my post above we have had a tougher week.

I do find it exhausting and frustrating. It's inconsistent.

We had a great dinner Monday after the above weekend. She was very much into me and I could feel her pulling closer. and then a small argument on a past relationship of mine. I had never mentioned it but there was no need. It was a 4 week relationship over a year ago. But she used it as an example of not knowing me. It felt like a hidden bomb. No reason for me to talk on this relationship. No need to catalog it. We weren't even exclusive. (Sounds defensive but I didn't consciously not mention it). Then later after many drinks she got pissed and quite cold. Said I wasn't real with her and maybe I'm not emotionally available. Called me judgmental. It upset me and I would look at ceiling or wall unconsciously to consider how to respond. She'd call me out and say I'm right here. Look at me. It was rough. Is it true some truth comes out when so drunk or is it just drunken behavior.

I left next am and she was feeling hungover bad. Said she loved me and I left for work.

Saw her Weds and it was a much better time. I shared a lot and felt more comfortable. She said it was the best conversation we've ever had.

 

Now tonite. A later dinner. She's not been as responsive on text all week but not unresponsive either. Just noticeable. She's been wanting to meet my daughter who arrives this eeekend and is now questioning that.

I pick her up and it feels good but maybe a bit odd. Normal chit chat and we go to the restaurant. Drink in bar waiting for a table. Then she looks at me and asks so what else is going on? But I take her tone and mannerism as it's time to share and lets go. So it makes my mind spin trying to think of a topic. Where normally we just have easy conversation. We talked on a few topics and then went to table. It was ok. I mentioned a few things about work that happened that day. About my son etc.

Long story short she says I'm still holding back. Feels like the relationship is work and is exhausting. She loves and adores me and we have a great time together but has these concerns. Says I tense up in conversations that should flow. My voice raises and she feels others are looking at our intense uncomfortable conversation.

I know I'm feeding off her tone and mannerisms to make me tense and try to figure out what to say. When I should just relax. I think I'm still worried about how she feels and losing her when she says I have no worries there so just relax. But why do I get a roadblock in my head on how to answer.

She also said she didn't like me talk about business all the time. Says I share that easily but doesn't want to hear about it at a romantic Italian dinner. That's a turnoff.

I asked her what changed this week. She said good question and she wanted to get back to me on it. I pushed a bit and she repeated she'd think on it. I think 'ooookay'

 

So we have amazing times and have people comment how happy we are. But some nights feel odd like this while others flow smoothly. When they don't it seems it's all hinged on how I react to questions and how she asks them and how I think they should be answered. It's a powder keg.

 

So yes I feel judged at this point and that makes it even harder to answer. I'm trying to tell myself to just relax and say whatever is in my mind. If it isn't what she expected or wanted then so be it.

 

We both understand we love each other. Very serious. I do think she wants more discussions about what we want. Honestly I'm getting a bit of an aha right now. Talk more real on us. Where we are going. While I'm thinking of things that happened this week or in my past etc. I'm not used to upfront frank discussions on how we feel in a relationship. I guess I try to gage and make assumptions vs just asking. Scared of the anwser? Shouldn't be.

[elaine567]

She is not an alpha female. Alpha females do not pick to date narcisists, and even less having a year relationship with them. Alpha female would drop a narcisist man at the sight of a first red flag. She has no time to deal with BS. She may be good looking but she does not fit the alpha female type.

 

Agreed, she only looks "alpha", and she may have adopted a thicker shell but she does sound a bit insecure. Narcissists tend to prey on the weak and vulnerable, they don't tend to get mixed up with the strong and stable.

 

I get the need to have a partner opening up, few women really want to get involved with Mr Iceberg, Mr Mysterious or Mr Superficial, however her constant probing and apparently never being satisfied, her judgements and her general prickliness is a bit worrying. Even the most relaxed person is going to tense up under that onslaught.

 

At 3 months things should be easy and flow.

She says she gets exhausted talking to you and it seems like you are not exactly having a great time talking to her either, it all sounds too much like hard work this early on.

 

Seems to me she is never really satisfied with the "real you", as presented to her by yourself, as she is in reality searching for a sign that you are NOT what you appear to be and then she can say,

"I knew it! I found him out! He is really not who he said he was. I was right all along. Next."

 

I guess, she is forcing things as she doesn't want to be hurt again further down the road. She doesn't want to miss something glaringly obvious this time. She wants to know ALL about you so there are no surprises lying in wait for her. However, no-one really likes to be put under such a intense spotlight and even if you do tolerate it - as you "understand" her motives - there is no guarantee that this will get any better.

It may just be who she is.

 

Of course, on the other hand, we don't know you, so you may indeed be a "wooden", tense, touchy, prickly, moody guy who has 10 ft walls up, and who is very difficult to get to know, so she may have a valid point here.

[Gaeta]

I wanted to reboot this a bit. After my post above we have had a tougher week.

I do find it exhausting and frustrating. It's inconsistent.

We had a great dinner Monday after the above weekend. She was very much into me and I could feel her pulling closer. and then a small argument on a past relationship of mine. I had never mentioned it but there was no need. It was a 4 week relationship over a year ago. But she used it as an example of not knowing me. It felt like a hidden bomb. No reason for me to talk on this relationship. No need to catalog it. We weren't even exclusive. (Sounds defensive but I didn't consciously not mention it). Then later after many drinks she got pissed and quite cold. Said I wasn't real with her and maybe I'm not emotionally available. Called me judgmental. It upset me and I would look at ceiling or wall unconsciously to consider how to respond. She'd call me out and say I'm right here. Look at me. It was rough. Is it true some truth comes out when so drunk or is it just drunken behavior.

I left next am and she was feeling hungover bad. Said she loved me and I left for work.

Saw her Weds and it was a much better time. I shared a lot and felt more comfortable. She said it was the best conversation we've ever had.

 

Now tonite. A later dinner. She's not been as responsive on text all week but not unresponsive either. Just noticeable. She's been wanting to meet my daughter who arrives this eeekend and is now questioning that.

I pick her up and it feels good but maybe a bit odd. Normal chit chat and we go to the restaurant. Drink in bar waiting for a table. Then she looks at me and asks so what else is going on? But I take her tone and mannerism as it's time to share and lets go. So it makes my mind spin trying to think of a topic. Where normally we just have easy conversation. We talked on a few topics and then went to table. It was ok. I mentioned a few things about work that happened that day. About my son etc.

Long story short she says I'm still holding back. Feels like the relationship is work and is exhausting. She loves and adores me and we have a great time together but has these concerns. Says I tense up in conversations that should flow. My voice raises and she feels others are looking at our intense uncomfortable conversation.

I know I'm feeding off her tone and mannerisms to make me tense and try to figure out what to say. When I should just relax. I think I'm still worried about how she feels and losing her when she says I have no worries there so just relax. But why do I get a roadblock in my head on how to answer.

She also said she didn't like me talk about business all the time. Says I share that easily but doesn't want to hear about it at a romantic Italian dinner. That's a turnoff.

I asked her what changed this week. She said good question and she wanted to get back to me on it. I pushed a bit and she repeated she'd think on it. I think 'ooookay'

 

So we have amazing times and have people comment how happy we are. But some nights feel odd like this while others flow smoothly. When they don't it seems it's all hinged on how I react to questions and how she asks them and how I think they should be answered. It's a powder keg.

 

So yes I feel judged at this point and that makes it even harder to answer. I'm trying to tell myself to just relax and say whatever is in my mind. If it isn't what she expected or wanted then so be it.

 

We both understand we love each other. Very serious. I do think she wants more discussions about what we want. Honestly I'm getting a bit of an aha right now. Talk more real on us. Where we are going. While I'm thinking of things that happened this week or in my past etc. I'm not used to upfront frank discussions on how we feel in a relationship. I guess I try to gage and make assumptions vs just asking. Scared of the anwser? Shouldn't be.

 

Amazing the poo a man will put up with just because he's dating a hot woman.

 

I would not put up with this, this is frustrating and exhausting just reading it so imagine this non stop for 3 months.

 

You forgot to mention a relationship of 4 weeks??? I probably had 200 relationships of 4 weeks and I can only remember maybe 10 of them! Who remembers relationships of 4 weeks! and on top of that getting sh#t over not remembering it.

 

She will never be happy until she knows every little detail of your life and when she does know every little details of every little corner of you then you'll feel like a friend to her more than a lover.

 

I think she is bored. She is used to dating narcissists and abusers and there you are just a good regular joe blow and it's not exciting or filled with drama enough.

[introverted1]

The sex must be really good for you to put up with this.

 

Do I remember correctly that this is the woman who is used to guys who want to "lock her down," and managed to be engaged three times?

 

Sounds to me that she is addicted to drama. She wants the dopamine fix that comes with an endless cycle of highs and lows in a relationship. So she looks for things -- a 4-week "relationship" that happened over a year ago -- to fight over so she can experience the high from making up.

 

It's no coincidence that she said your conversation Wednesday, which was the first one after your argument over the old relationship, was your best one ever. She's conditioning you, perhaps consciously, perhaps not.

 

But really, is this what you want? What's going to happen once you've emptied the vault of past experiences and future dreams?

[biker23]

She will never be happy until she knows every little detail of your life and when she does know every little details of every little corner of you then you'll feel like a friend to her more than a lover.

 

I think she is bored. She is used to dating narcissists and abusers and there you are just a good regular joe blow and it's not exciting or filled with drama enough.

 

Yes. She has said it's boring.

 

We have talked extensively about her latest ex. Seems she had very intense feelings for him even after it was discovered he was A verbally abusive narcissist

Went to therapy with him very early on. He broke up with her then a month later they got back together. Then she broke it off. Then he went off the deep end wth endless abusive emails. But still seems jealous when this guy goes after women she knows.

 

Honestly I would like to hear these deep revealing conversations as an example. Because I am not a wooden tense person. Even this woman loves how I'm a passionate funny guy that loves spur of the moment activities etc. We spent a week on a trip together after only 3 months and it was awesome.

 

Last night she told me she got a Facebook message from a guy she doesn't really know. Is a friend of one of her friends. Anyway he was apparently near us at dinner on Weds and could hear us. He said to watch out for me as I sounded like I was full of crap and a player. What? Best conversation in a long time but yes it did have a lot of how I feel for her and what I want etc. Deep personal powerful stuff but someone thought it was BS. and honestly the level at which we talk I could almost understand that if I didn't know our relationship. But anyway she used it as a start of the conversation about how others see how tense our conversations are. They may notice that but how many are talking about the definition of morals and the inspiration of life and happiness and how that fits into our life and relationship. ??? None.

[introverted1]

Last night she told me she got a Facebook message from a guy she doesn't really know. Is a friend of one of her friends. Anyway he was apparently near us at dinner on Weds and could hear us. He said to watch out for me as I sounded like I was full of crap and a player. What? Best conversation in a long time but yes it did have a lot of how I feel for her and what I want etc. Deep personal powerful stuff but someone thought it was BS. and honestly the level at which we talk I could almost understand that if I didn't know our relationship. But anyway she used it as a start of the conversation about how others see how tense our conversations are. They may notice that but how many are talking about the definition of morals and the inspiration of life and happiness and how that fits into our life and relationship. ??? None.

 

She got a message from a guy who was eavesdropping on your dinner conversation closely enough to hear details AND who, in spite of hardly knowing her, felt he had to "warn" her that you were a player?!

 

Sorry, but unless you actually saw the message, I call BS on this. In fact, even if she could show you the message, I am not sure I'd believe it.

 

This is a woman who THRIVES on drama. Proceed at your own risk.

[biker23]

She got a message from a guy who was eavesdropping on your dinner conversation closely enough to hear details AND who, in spite of hardly knowing her, felt he had to "warn" her that you were a player?!

 

Sorry, but unless you actually saw the message, I call BS on this. In fact, even if she could show you the message, I am not sure I'd believe it.

 

This is a woman who THRIVES on drama. Proceed at your own risk.

 

True. Could she be concerned herself that I'm a player and this is a method to discuss it? I could bring it up next time.

 

Question: if there isn't a way for me to satisfy her need for sharing or if it really is an issue of a great regular joe vs narcissist, how do I challenge and discuss this. Maybe she's used to guys that have all these bull**** answers and unload on her and that hasn't worked. all I could do is challenge and plant a seed. ?

[introverted1]

Mt take is that this is a fool's errand. She is a bottomless pit. That's why I asked: What will happen once the vault of past experiences and future dreams has been emptied? In other words, when will it be enough for her?

 

People like this are like a bucket with a hole - you will never be able to fill it with enough water.

 

You're - what - 3 months in? This is insane!

 

There's a reason she's had 3 broken engagements, and it's not just that her picker is bad.

 

She's got you hopping -- vacations, expensive dinners, nights in a glamorous hotel. What's going to happen when it's time to just quietly watch a movie on the couch? Or are you planning to keep up the mad wooing indefinitely?

[elaine567]

If what the guy said is true.

YOU came across as a player because she is encouraging you to come out with all this intense stuff, when if you were with a "normal" girl, you would be discussing the menu, your work, the friendly dog at the park, your new car, her mom's apple pie, the great holiday you had in France, a funny anecdote or two - ie normal stuff.

The stuff you are discussing over dinner is what most reserve for late night chats after sex, or on the sofa after a bottle or two of wine, somewhere private where you both can feel safe to open up, not in the middle of a restaurant.

I have found that people who have had intensive "therapy", are always a bit too forward in what they share. If you meet them socially or even professionally. There is hardly enough time to sit down before they tell you all about their child abuse, their horrible mother, their abusive ex, the fact they cut themselves, even their suicide attempts, etc. etc.

They seem to treat everyone as a therapist and the conversation gets way too deep with people they hardy know.

She is obviously NOT over her narcissist ex, and that is not surprising as Narcissist people take years and years to get over, such is the depth of the psychological abuse... narcissists and the like, mess with people's heads. The drama and chaos which ensues is addictive for the victim and they miss it like crazy, no matter how messed up that sounds..

 

Sounds like she is now messing with your head.

[SoleMate]

The degree to which people desire an intense, passionate, emotional connection built through confidences and heartfelt discussions is one of those important factors that couples should be aligned on. There's no right or wrong, it's just a preference. What's a mistake is when a "logical" non-revealer tries to be happy with someone who craves emotional revelation. The r/s can devolve into push/pull, chase/flee on the emotional stage. May not be a good fit....

[LargoLagg]

The degree to which people desire an intense, passionate, emotional connection built through confidences and heartfelt discussions is one of those important factors that couples should be aligned on. There's no right or wrong, it's just a preference. What's a mistake is when a "logical" non-revealer tries to be happy with someone who craves emotional revelation. The r/s can devolve into push/pull, chase/flee on the emotional stage. May not be a good fit....

Yeah OP. This. I was going to say that you sound like a better fit to Gaeta than your own girl.

 

Nothing wrong with it, but sometimes love just ain't enough.