How long does it take to realize you've been dumped?

[Raena]

I am certain you are not saying that smoking pot around your kids is not a deal-breaker. But, if all else was fine, you would consider dropping him for smoking pot and flipping out about your request, right?

 

You are correct, it IS a deal breaker for him to smoke weed with the kids in the house. I don't like it and that's why I said something about it.

 

Conflict management is huge to me though. I guess in my mind I was thinking that his reaction to me upset me more than the fact that he smokes once in awhile. I see it as just one of those things that we disagreed about... and how we handle disagreements is huge. Pointing fingers, refusing to accept responsibility or see the other persons point of view, ghosting as a response to conflict... that's huge.

[Raena]

I understand recreational pot smoking does not need to be an issue in a relationship but the fact he smokes in the presence of his children does indicate it's more than recreational, and the way he made this a deal breaker again indicated it's more than recreational.

 

I once dated a pot smoker. At first I was cool with it as we didn't spent that much time together. I did not want him to smoke in my house so I noticed he didn't stay more than 3-4 hours and never over night. I started asking questions and discovered he needed to smoke at least 10 times a day to function. We're not talking recreational anymore.

 

I think you are right... all signs point to this being a bigger thing to him than just recreational use.

[Raena]

If you are trying to protect a relationship with a man who doesn't respect your wish for him not to smoke weed when your daughter is around - the problem is with you, not with anyone else.

 

I am hoping I'm missing something in comparison, because this is a parenting issue, not a breakup issue. You want to keep your daughter away from his drug use, he doesn't respect that, and you're trying to see if the relationship is salvageable?

 

Wow.

 

It's not my daughter... I'm guessing that since you missed that fact you also misunderstood what's happening here.

 

It's not a parenting issue that I came here to talk about. I came here asking how long you wait after being ghosted to realize that you've been dumped. I don't need parenting advice, I know it's not acceptable for him to do this with the kids around... that's why I brought it up to him in the first place. I had already considered that if he wasn't willing to stop doing that then I would have to end things. It's also the reason why I didn't tell what the disagreement was in my original post. My question was more about not knowing how I should handle this now rather than whether or not what he did was right or wrong. I don't need advice on whether or not his drug use around the kids is an issue. Of course it is. Is it really unreasonable to hope that we could come to a compromise on it and move forward though? Why is it so wrong for me to want to be able to work through issues together rather than just run away at the first sign of a problem?

 

I hate ending things without some kind of conversation about it. His disappearing act upset me. We had become very close friends and it's upsetting to just walk away without some kind of closure to it all. We were friends first and then only recently decided to take it a step further. Losing that friendship is painful for me. I don't open up to too many people and I don't let too many people into my life either.

[spiderowl]

You've been dating for two months and he has left you feeling anxious like this and barely communicated. Yes, I think you have been dumped. Even if you haven't, I would not want a relationship with someone who treated me like that.

[mortensorchid]

I've been ghosted in the past. Hell, I've been dumped so many times I lost count. No one likes their egos to be hurt or their feelings hurt, to be sure. But as I age I have changed quite a bit. Part of me says I should be cold and unfeeling, another part of me is practical, and a small percentage of me that's still inside saying "You're not a robot, you're a human". I have learned to control my emotions and feelings and not show how I feel on my face. It may hurt inside, but the practical says to me "Just let it be. You'll be okay. He doesn't deserve you. Move on." And I repeat that over and over until it's done within me.

[TheWhittler]

I told him I didn't want him smoking pot in the house when the kids are around and that I prefer if he didn't do it around me either because it gives me a headache. He did it once with the kids in the house (in another room, but the smell filters through the house) and one other time when I was there but the kids weren't. I don't think I was being unreasonable to ask this of him but apparently he thought so. His response wasn't... that's fine, I'll go outside or I won't do it when the kids are around. That was what I hoped to hear. Instead I got... "you're a hypocrite because you are ok with us having drinks with the kids around but not with me taking a hit of weed". For the record, I never get drunk when the kids are around... just a couple drinks.

 

I don't think you have been in any way unreasonable. I will not have smoking (of anything) in my house despite being a smoker myself. It stinks and is not good for anyone let alone children who have no choice in the matter. If you have a glass of wine the fact you are drinking it doesn't mean that your children are forced to drink the same when in your presence. Smoking on the other hand omits fumes that anyone close by has to breathe in. Big difference and he was wrong to compare the two.

 

I think you can safely say this is over. I think you can also safely say that had it gone on longer it would not have been a good relationship. Go silent on him, block, do not reach out and don't worry any more about it. There are better fish in the sea.

[Gaeta]

I hate ending things without some kind of conversation about it. His disappearing act upset me. We had become very close friends and it's upsetting to just walk away without some kind of closure to it all. We were friends first and then only recently decided to take it a step further. Losing that friendship is painful for me. I don't open up to too many people and I don't let too many people into my life either.

 

People run their relationship differently that they run their friendship. Obviously this man cannot communicate properly in the dynamic of a relationship. it would be impossible to have a functional conversation with him and it would only fuel the argument.

 

If he contacts you remember what he did, silent treatment, is a form of punishment used by passive-aggressive people. Again, not something you want to reward by a reply.

[dreamingoftigers]

People run their relationship differently that they run their friendship. Obviously this man cannot communicate properly in the dynamic of a relationship. it would be impossible to have a functional conversation with him and it would only fuel the argument.

 

If he contacts you remember what he did, silent treatment, is a form of punishment used by passive-aggressive people. Again, not something you want to reward by a reply.

 

It is of course a little ironic that one person's silence would be healthy and the other unhealthy. I'd actually say it's pretty fair in this case.

[Miss Peach]

You were not unreasonable in your request to him, OP.

 

I wouldn't be interested in dating a man who responded the way he did to you. I would consider it over.

 

Same here.

 

I would also look up the term slow fade. It may be what he's doing here.

[Raena]

Yeah, I'm still getting the silent treatment. Not a single word.

 

This is precisely why I was avoiding dating... because of this ridiculousness. I guess it's so much easier to just ghost than to have that uncomfortable conversation of "this isn't working". I don't get it because that's not how I handle conflicts in my life but I guess I better get used to it. It seems this is more the norm than I'm used to.

[VeveCakes]

Why would you want to date a pothead to start with? His reaction to your request indicates his smoking is much more serious then just recreational.

 

You can do much better than him Raena.

 

Save your judgement on pot smokers PLEASE.

 

He was right about the drinking, why can you have drinks and he can't have a puff? Whose house were you at?

[VeveCakes]

I think you are right... all signs point to this being a bigger thing to him than just recreational use.

 

So what if people need it to function. If they still function in society it really doesnt concern others. Pot is actually really helpful to a lot of people.

 

If it was your house I would understand but don't try and tell someone they can't smoke weed in their own home. I would have left too. My house, my rules.

[TheWhittler]

So what if people need it to function. If they still function in society it really doesnt concern others. Pot is actually really helpful to a lot of people.

 

If it was your house I would understand but don't try and tell someone they can't smoke weed in their own home. I would have left too. My house, my rules.

 

Her house and he was doing it around her children. If you drink a glass of wine it is only you ingesting the wine. If you smoke anyone around you is also inhaling that smoke. Regardless it still stinks. I smoke and I do not smoke in my own home. Its the garden or nothing and I am just as strict with myself as I am others.

 

She was happy for him to smoke it in the garden just not in her house around the children... I don't see anything unreasonable about that.

[VeveCakes]

Her house and he was doing it around her children. If you drink a glass of wine it is only you ingesting the wine. If you smoke anyone around you is also inhaling that smoke. Regardless it still stinks. I smoke and I do not smoke in my own home. Its the garden or nothing and I am just as strict with myself as I am others.

 

She was happy for him to smoke it in the garden just not in her house around the children... I don't see anything unreasonable about that.

 

My mistake I thought it was in his house?

[kismetkismet]

That is insanely disrespectful and immature. To ask someone not to smoke pot in front of/around your children is ABSOLUTELY reasonable. You can't raise kids with someone who can't even discuss parenting methods with you. You shouldn't let someone into your life who doesn't respect your approach to parenting your own children.

 

My fiancé smokes weed and i do occasionally as well, but no way in hell will he be smoking weed IN the house when we have kids. Firstly it's not good for the kids physically, but also I don't want to influence them negatively.

 

And if that is his way of dealing with conflict then you're in trouble.. He's manipulating you and making you feel like it's his way or the highway. Either you let him do whatever he wants, or he's just GONE.

[Raena]

My mistake I thought it was in his house?

 

It did happen in his house... but what difference does it make who's house it was in? He did it with both of our children in the house. That is not ok. If you can't understand the issue with that and think that having a drink is the same thing as smoking dope with children around then you are just as bad as he is.

[kismetkismet]

I actually DO think that smoking weed and having a drink are similar, and the laws reflect this now in a lot of places. And I still do think it was disrespectful to smoke it with kids in the house. He can just step outside so as not to make it so glaringly obvious or unhealthy for the kids. Also it's one thing to have a quick puff at night, or a glass of wine at dinner, and sitting around smoking weed inside the house. I would put that on par with drinking a bottle of wine alone while the kids are running around. It's just not a healthy atmosphere to be in.

[Raena]

I actually DO think that smoking weed and having a drink are similar, and the laws reflect this now in a lot of places. And I still do think it was disrespectful to smoke it with kids in the house. He can just step outside so as not to make it so glaringly obvious or unhealthy for the kids. Also it's one thing to have a quick puff at night, or a glass of wine at dinner, and sitting around smoking weed inside the house. I would put that on par with drinking a bottle of wine alone while the kids are running around. It's just not a healthy atmosphere to be in.

 

What do you mean by the bolded portion? What laws reflect this?

 

Are you saying its similar because it causes you to be impaired? I see a fundamental difference between smoking dope and drinking alcohol. Yes, both impair the adult and that in itself can be an issue if overdone. But used in moderation, one directly effects the child while the other does not.

[Raena]

I really didn't want this thread to be all about whether or not it's ok to smoke pot. That really isn't what I was asking about. What I told him and what I already said on here is that I don't care that he does it (recreational) but that doesn't mean I want my child or myself around it. If it's less recreational and more addiction then I might have a different feeling about it. He never did give me a reason for why he does it. I'm going to guess he just likes getting high because he hadn't shared any medical reason for needing it.

 

My main concern is his reaction to this discussion and the ensuing silent treatment/dumped over it and how to handle that. It seems completely childish and immature to me to not be able to see each others point of view and come to a compromise. I never told him he couldn't smoke pot or that I would dump him if he did. I simply asked him not to do it in the house when we were there. It wasn't unreasonable whether it was his house or my house. What he does when he's alone in his own home is his business but he expected me to stay over at his house all the time.

 

So my original question wasn't about who was right in our disagreement. We could all argue all day long about that topic. It's... how long do you take the silent treatment before realizing that the relationship is done.

[olivetree]

I really didn't want this thread to be all about whether or not it's ok to smoke pot. That really isn't what I was asking about. What I told him and what I already said on here is that I don't care that he does it (recreational) but that doesn't mean I want my child or myself around it. If it's less recreational and more addiction then I might have a different feeling about it. He never did give me a reason for why he does it. I'm going to guess he just likes getting high because he hadn't shared any medical reason for needing it.

 

My main concern is his reaction to this discussion and the ensuing silent treatment/dumped over it and how to handle that. It seems completely childish and immature to me to not be able to see each others point of view and come to a compromise. I never told him he couldn't smoke pot or that I would dump him if he did. I simply asked him not to do it in the house when we were there. It wasn't unreasonable whether it was his house or my house. What he does when he's alone in his own home is his business but he expected me to stay over at his house all the time.

 

So my original question wasn't about who was right in our disagreement. We could all argue all day long about that topic. It's... how long do you take the silent treatment before realizing that the relationship is done.

 

I think his behaviour (silent tx) is unacceptable and that YOU should consider the relationship done. As in, regardless if he is ending it or not, you've decided it is over.

[kismetkismet]

I meant that they are morally similar because smoking weed is legal now in many places. I think that smoking pot was made out to be much more devious than it actually is originally, that it is a gate way drug etc. It's not worse for your health than alcohol, and is less dangerous in numerous ways.

 

However - in terms of smoking it around the kids, it is definitely different. They shouldn't be exposed to any second hand smoke. I mainly was pointing that out because I'm still in agreement with you despite not being morally opposed to smoking a bit of weed now and then (which i think lends more weight to your argument)

 

The reason people are discussing whether or not smoking pot is ok I think has t do with the level of reasonable-ness of the argument. The fact that he blew up and disappeared on you over a completely reasonable request makes it worse than if you had started an argument over nothing. Either way that is a damning way to deal with any sort of conflict. But the fact that he is behaving like a child over you making reasonable requests over your own children's health and wellbeing is worse. But then people did get sidetracked from the 'when is it done' end of the question!

 

For that side of things, I think you should be the one deciding whether or not it is over rather than waiting to find out. I don't think you should allow him back into yours or your childs life after behaving that way.

[Raena]

KismetKismet and Olivetree..

 

I agree with both of you. It's up to me to decide what happens now. At this point it's pretty obvious that he just decided he wanted nothing else to do with me. It just took me a little while to see that. I figured he needed some space and/or was busy with work. But the fact that he ignored my request to talk about what's happening with us makes it pretty clear what he's thinking. I don't have to decide to allow him back into my life should he decide he wants back in though.

 

This whole situation makes me feel so sad and pissed at the same time. It's hard as a single mom to find someone who fits into my life. For some people it might not be that difficult but it is for me. I was kind of blown away by how much we seemed to have in common and how well we got along. I never really thought I'd find someone who seemed to just fit into my life so easily. It happened so naturally and seemed so right. We had many, many, many discussions about stuff just like this issue over the pot and came to an agreement on every single issue... it seems crazy to me that THIS is what pushed him away. There were other issues that I could have easily seen him using as a reason to walk but not this. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know. I wish he would just talk to me but now I'm so pissed that he just ghosted on me that I don't see the point.

 

Writing about it and getting feedback helps though. Thanks for listening.

[olivetree]

KismetKismet and Olivetree..

 

I agree with both of you. It's up to me to decide what happens now. At this point it's pretty obvious that he just decided he wanted nothing else to do with me. It just took me a little while to see that. I figured he needed some space and/or was busy with work. But the fact that he ignored my request to talk about what's happening with us makes it pretty clear what he's thinking. I don't have to decide to allow him back into my life should he decide he wants back in though.

 

This whole situation makes me feel so sad and pissed at the same time. It's hard as a single mom to find someone who fits into my life. For some people it might not be that difficult but it is for me. I was kind of blown away by how much we seemed to have in common and how well we got along. I never really thought I'd find someone who seemed to just fit into my life so easily. It happened so naturally and seemed so right. We had many, many, many discussions about stuff just like this issue over the pot and came to an agreement on every single issue... it seems crazy to me that THIS is what pushed him away. There were other issues that I could have easily seen him using as a reason to walk but not this. Maybe it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I don't know. I wish he would just talk to me but now I'm so pissed that he just ghosted on me that I don't see the point.

 

Writing about it and getting feedback helps though. Thanks for listening.

 

His behaviour is very immature and hurtful. However, oftentimes when people give you a reason as to why they are walking away, it still leaves you with questions. So in a way we almost always have to give ourselves closure.

 

It's very disappointing when relationships end. All your hopes and plans are gone in an instant. And then there is the fear of the unknown next step, next partner. It's hard for many people to find someone who fits them well, especially if you're a more complex person. Just try to think of yourself as one step closer to finding someone better for you, to being happier.

[Raena]

We finally talked today.

 

Yeah, he just wants to go back to being friends like we were before because he's "too busy and too stressed" for a relationship right now.

 

UGH!!!