Kayley Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 My ex broke up with me approaching a month and a half now. We've been NC for a little over 30 days. I've stopped counting but I think this week some point was the 30 day mark. I still think about him all the time. I don't want to be with him anymore but I've only recently got to that point and I still want to talk to him. We were only together a few months but he was my first relationship in a few years and the only difficult break up I've had. Anyway, in about 2 hours I'm meeting a guy for drinks. I don't want to go. I feel so ugh...about it and all I can think is that my first date with my ex I was really excited. I know I shouldn't compare but I feel like I should be more up for this than what I am! 1
Satu Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 snip Anyway, in about 2 hours I'm meeting a guy for drinks. I don't want to go. I feel so ugh...about it and all I can think is that my first date with my ex I was really excited. I know I shouldn't compare but I feel like I should be more up for this than what I am! I see no point in dating, when you're still reeling from your recent breakup. Wouldn't you rather get over your ex, first? Take care. 2
Author Kayley Posted December 3, 2016 Author Posted December 3, 2016 I would, I suppose down stupid part of me was hoping that dating might help me let him go because I feel at this point I'm just clinging on. 1
Satu Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I would, I suppose down stupid part of me was hoping that dating might help me let him go because I feel at this point I'm just clinging on. From my journals: There are three very common reasons why some people have difficulty moving on, even after a long time has passed: 1. An omitted or incomplete grieving process. 2. Rebound relationships. 3. Genuinely traumatic experiences. 1 and 2 are much more common than 3. You are trying to run from the pain, but you will never out outrun it. Do your grieving. Take care. 2
MarkIVSteel Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 The best way to get over a guy is to get under another guy.
Author Kayley Posted December 3, 2016 Author Posted December 3, 2016 I feel like I should be 'over it' by now given the fact that we were only together a few months. How much more grieving can I do? I don't want a rebound relationship,I don't even think this is going to be more than one date though the fact that I have that mindset says it all, I shouldn't be going 1
Satu Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I feel like I should be 'over it' by now given the fact that we were only together a few months. How much more grieving can I do? I don't want a rebound relationship,I don't even think this is going to be more than one date though the fact that I have that mindset says it all, I shouldn't be going Shoulds. "We have a list of ironclad rules about how others and we should behave. People who break the rules make us angry, and we feel guilty when we violate these rules. A person may often believe they are trying to motivate themselves with shoulds and shouldn’ts, as if they have to be punished before they can do anything. For example, “I really should exercise. I shouldn’t be so lazy.” Musts and oughts are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When a person directs should statements toward others, they often feel anger, frustration and resentment." Source Take care.
Author Kayley Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 The best way to get over a guy is to get under another guy. Ha....someone in work told me I probably won't get over him fully until I meet someone else...
olivetree Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Ha....someone in work told me I probably won't get over him fully until I meet someone else... This is simply not true and is a good recipe for repeating the same mistakes in your last relationship and never actually healing. Rather, you will be stronger and learn from your breakup if you get over it first, take some time to reflect and then date. You will be attracted and attract better people when you're in a good state. 2
Satu Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Rebounds just make everything harder. Best to avoid them. Take care.
Miss Peach Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I don't bother dating when I can't enjoy another man's company. When my ex and I broke up, I dove more into meetups. It was a nice way to socialize and get that interaction without dating. I've met my last 3 BFs there so it can lead to more but that's not the main purpose. 1
strawberryshortstack Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I feel like I should be 'over it' by now given the fact that we were only together a few months. How much more grieving can I do? I don't want a rebound relationship,I don't even think this is going to be more than one date though the fact that I have that mindset says it all, I shouldn't be going How about making dates with your friends instead? Go out, do something fun. Keep doing that. One day, you won't think about him anymore. 1
breakupthrowaway663 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Don't rebound. I followed the old saying about getting someone new under yourself and I ended up feeling more hollow in the end. I slept with 15 women in one month. My previous number was 1. One woman. Did I care for any of them? Sure, some of them were genuinely good people, but I couldn't develop feelings for them. I will never behave like that again after a relationship. Swapping external factors to sooth internal pain is an unstable and unhealthy way to deal with grief. Do your time. 1
Satu Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I met one of my lovers at an astronomical observatory. We watched comet fragments crashing into Jupiter, which was much more romantic than it might sound. Lol. Take care. 1
joseb Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I met one of my lovers at an astronomical observatory. We watched comet fragments crashing into Jupiter, which was much more romantic than it might sound. Lol. . Are you kidding? That's sounds amazingly romantic! 1
Satu Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Are you kidding? That's sounds amazingly romantic! Yes, it was very romantic We Astronomers We astronomers are nomads, Merchants, circus people, All the earth our tent. We are industrious. We breed enthusiasms, Honour our responsibility to awe. But the universe has moved a long way off. Sometimes, I confess, Starlight seems too sharp, And like the moon I bend my face to the ground, To the small patch where each foot falls, Before it falls, And I forget to ask questions, And only count things. - Rebecca Elson, Astronomer and poet, 2 January 1960 – 19 May 1999.
Author Kayley Posted December 7, 2016 Author Posted December 7, 2016 By the way me saying someone in work said that wasn't me saying g it was what I wanted to do! I don't want another relationship at this point because I'm not in a place where it would be fair to someone else. This is just the first time I've ever felt heartbreak and I have no idea how it works, if it ever really goes away or not and her saying she doesn't think I'll be fully over until then has kind of bothered me but it's not me saying I'm going looking for a rebound to get over it because honestly, I'm far too scared of being g hurt again anyway! 1
breakupthrowaway663 Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 By the way me saying someone in work said that wasn't me saying g it was what I wanted to do! I don't want another relationship at this point because I'm not in a place where it would be fair to someone else. This is just the first time I've ever felt heartbreak and I have no idea how it works, if it ever really goes away or not and her saying she doesn't think I'll be fully over until then has kind of bothered me but it's not me saying I'm going looking for a rebound to get over it because honestly, I'm far too scared of being g hurt again anyway! Ahh first timer huh? It's a bumpy ride at first. You don't see it now, but at the core what really heals break-ups is good old-fashioned Time. It all seems horrible and never-ending right now. But the heart has a way of slowly turning that pain into something else, creating a stronger version of you. There are ways to delay or progress healing, but in the end time is the main factor. If this is your first time and you haven't rebounded yet then congrats. Pat yourself on the back. I'm impressed. I didn't have that kind of courage. You're probably handling this better than a lot of us did. 2
Satu Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Ahh first timer huh? It's a bumpy ride at first. You don't see it now, but *at the core what really heals break-ups is good old-fashioned Time. It all seems horrible and never-ending right now. But the heart has a way of slowly turning that pain into something else, creating a stronger version of you. There are ways to delay or progress healing, but in the end time is the main factor. If this is your first time and you haven't rebounded yet then congrats. Pat yourself on the back. I'm impressed. I didn't have that kind of courage. You're probably handling this better than a lot of us did. *Just so. We have hardwired self-healing resources, both physical and mental, and if we don't do anything to sabotage that healing, the process largely takes care of itself. Thankfully. Take care.
thecrucible Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 Hi Kayley, I know what you're going through. The first break-up for me was awful. I cried a lot and didn't eat for a while. Eventually I realised I had to sit through the pain to get through to the other side. I distracted myself by taking on new hobbies and eventually I felt better due to the re-balancing of my life and meeting new people. Going to gym classes also helped even though I had to drag myself sometimes (yay for endorphins!). If you find yourself wallowing at all, there's nothing wrong with being sad but try and doing something immediate to distract you like a chore you need to do, watch a film you enjoy, just anything to switch your brain onto something else. I remember a friend of mine told me that the brain just needs to form new neural connections so effectively your brain will let you get over it eventually. I don't know if that makes sense but it helped me. 2
Author Kayley Posted December 8, 2016 Author Posted December 8, 2016 Yep first time. I've only had 2 relationships in my life. The first ended a few wars ago but was so toxic that I wanted to be on my own for a long time after it. I ended that though and it was a long time coming so I walked away, had maybe a day of sadness then nothing but relief and I never once looked back. Definitely no heartbreak. I've heard the 'time' thing so many times now and I wish I could just speed up time. I'm so fed up of not feeling like me. I know I've made progress but it just doesn't feel like very much progress. Thank you for all your advice
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