Wontbefooledagain Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 Long time lurker here. Just a general question: why can guys have a breakup and never look back? Girls always seem to want to reconnect and talk about things. What is the mindset of a guy that they can act like you never existed and won't answer messages or accept phone calls? 1
Shanex Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I assure you that women are capable of the same. Why do we as people (instead of genders)? I'm one who think that if a relationship was doomed to fail, there's few reason to reconnect or stay friends. Unless it was very casual and you want a booty call every once in a while. 4
Author Wontbefooledagain Posted December 3, 2016 Author Posted December 3, 2016 Good point -it doesn't just have to be guys that won't respond. I guess I was thinking more about asking a specific question and not just rehashing the relationship. If a guy called me or messaged me and said he wanted to clarify a few things, I would certainly respond. Maybe a guy thinks it would be an uncomfortable convo and just doesn't want to deal with it. It is hurtful though when they completely cut you off after you meant so much to each other. I guess I should find the answers in myself and not look to him to provide an answer. 1
Satu Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I don't think there's any difference between the genders on this issue. It's certainly not reflected on Loveshack; though that not mean much. Take care. 2
Imajerk17 Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 (edited) Actually, if you really want to generalize by gender, studies have shown that GUYS are the ones who take breakups harder. Getting to individual cases, it depends on who broke up with whom and why. If it's something that can't be fixed, what's the point in hashing it out? This viewpoint isn't gender-specific. Both women and men have felt this way. Generally, phrasing your real issue as a hypothetical, as you seem to be doing, doesn't work so well for people here. It might do you better to be more specific about your particular situation. Edited December 3, 2016 by Imajerk17 3
Satu Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 You're projecting your own experience onto men in general. It's a good example of Cognitive Distortion: "What’s a cognitive distortion and why do so many people have them? Cognitive distortions are simply ways that our mind convinces us of something that isn’t really true. These inaccurate thoughts are usually used to reinforce negative thinking or emotions — telling ourselves things that sound rational and accurate, but really only serve to keep us feeling bad about ourselves." More here Take care.
Weezy1973 Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 Long time lurker here. Just a general question: why can guys have a breakup and never look back? Girls always seem to want to reconnect and talk about things. What is the mindset of a guy that they can act like you never existed and won't answer messages or accept phone calls? This is called going no-contact, and it's the method that works best in getting over an ex. It's the method that works...not the gender..
umirano Posted December 5, 2016 Posted December 5, 2016 I can tell you why I went NC and stuck with it, which somewhat translates to moving on like nothing happened. First at some point I realize it's over, there's no point in trying to work it out or changing her opinion. Then I say something to the effect of "All right, then this is it. We're broken up." After that I respect her and myself and let it go. I, and her probably as well, still have plenty to say. But it's moot. There's no fixing. Making our points slightly finer isn't going to change the big picture. Moving on is easiest when we're not in each other's faces and we don't have to be when we don't try to explain ourselves still a bit better. I also want the new reality to sink in. We've broken up, this is what it feels like. Lastly it leads to a more respectful long-term interaction. I went NC with all exes and in the long run I've ended up in agreeable, friendly, low intensity relationships, which is what I prefer. I don't seek contact with any of them. The ones I dumped I had no reason to, I never wanted any of them back. The one that dumped me recently I respect, but I believe it's for the best. I have nothing to say to her. Another one sends me a friendly email every so often and I reply in kind, albeit in a non-committal way. From one I hear from time to time indirectly (I never asked for it though) and I hear nice things about me and that she's well. This is good enough. No talking is needed. In summary it has proven to be an effective way to achieve peace of mind, peace between us and getting ready for a new relationship. One important experience I made before making this my default strategy is that more talk does not translate to more or better understanding. People are confused and worried about hurting the other person. Sometimes they just don't know. It's like torturing a supposed terrorist. They'll talk, but what you hear may very well be completely meaningless or even downright false. I believe it's more effective to carefully listen to what people willingly and freely tell you instead of drilling them for more answers.
Author Wontbefooledagain Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 Thank you all for the replies. Umirano made several points that have helped me see how futile reconnecting is. No amount of rehashing the relationship and trying to make one final point is going to change anything. I obviously have a last shred of hope that it might, but deep down I know it would be a most unwelcome attempt at getting a different answer. I guess deep down I am hurt that he hasn't tried to contact me but intellectually I understand. It is my heart that hasn't got the memo. Thanks again for replies.
Miss Peach Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I am around guys all the time. IME there isn't much difference between the genders. It's just women usually have more options to talk about stuff. Men often have their buddies but talking isn't usually the same with the guys - more superficial typically. 1
umirano Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Men often have their buddies but talking isn't usually the same with the guys - more superficial typically. Whoa.. that's uncalled for. How about we men are typically more to the point and hash through an issue without blathering and exchanging meaningless phrases?
mikeylo Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Actually, if you really want to generalize by gender, studies have shown that GUYS are the ones who take breakups harder. Another proof is the break up forum on LS.
DrReplyInRhymes Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 Advice of most of the people, even here on LS, is to go no contact after a breakup. With that no contact strategy included, you have no idea how they truly feel. They could miss you deep down, but as men, we're taught to stifle emotions and to act according to logic. So, the charade of looking happy but truly missing a woman they loved with all of their heart is a situation you'll find many men in. Luckily, not all of them end up in a bar.
Whoahh25 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Ladies are capable of doing the same. Once it's done, it's done forever...at least it is for me. 1
Otter2569 Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Once it's done, it's done forever...at least it is for me. Amen! I used to give women about 6 second chances before I realized that I am an idiot. Once its done (I am usually gone before you even see it coming) its done. Cant tell you how many exs wanted to get back together. I will be friends, maybe give you a booty call (rare) but you are NEVER getting me back! Next!
Miss Peach Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Whoa.. that's uncalled for. How about we men are typically more to the point and hash through an issue without blathering and exchanging meaningless phrases? I didn't mean it negatively. It's just that when the guys hang out with each other it's often more activity based. They tend to open up more when I'm around. For example I went out with a male friend and his friend. They had known each other for 15 years. He opened up about some dark period him his life my friend never heard about. When I asked him what they did, it was typically things like play poker; not talking about retreats of their past. Women friendships IME are usually better for those deeper talks.
carhill Posted December 10, 2016 Posted December 10, 2016 Long time lurker here. Just a general question: why can guys have a breakup and never look back? Girls always seem to want to reconnect and talk about things. What is the mindset of a guy that they can act like you never existed and won't answer messages or accept phone calls? IME, people are individuals, gender notwithstanding. I've yet to meet a girlfriend, or wife, who wanted to revisit or discuss anything once they made their choice to move on. Do some women? I imagine so. Just never met one. However, MW's do love discussing every last iota of their marital problems, with the main problem being they're married to someone else. Now those, they're hard to get rid of! I think I got the best lesson in moving on without comment from my exW. She taught me well. That, divorce and death of a loved one at the same time, put everything into perspective. Now I simply move on from everything without comment. Humans aren't that important. They taught me by accentuating my lack of importance. Lessons learned. Most guys learn that at a young age. I was stubborn and a tad, or more, ignorant about how the world works. Once your usefulness is concluded, you don't exist. Yeah, I know, that's a cruel lesson. Oh, well. That's life. It ain't fair. Grab whatever moments of happiness you find and the rest is the rest. Good luck! 1
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