wmacbride Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 This is a question for married people who have had an affair. It's quite a simple one, but likely very complicated as well. Wat were you thinking when you did it? Did you feel any guilt, did you kind of compartmentalize marriage/affair or were you not really thinking much at all and just sort of got swept along ( so to speak)? As a second part of the question, if your A is over, what are your regrets ( if you have any)? While you were cheating, did you ever think it would turn out as it did? I'm really only looking for input from people who have actually been in that situation, not second hand accounts. Thanks 1
JohnAdams Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 I had a RA, so probably a bit difference of feelings from a non-RA. Even though a RA is supposedly about revenge, I do not think that was my motive. An RA lacks the passion, excitement and the overall feel good that I imagine are in most affairs. In a strange way, I viewed it as self preservation. I no longer felt safe and did not know if I could even get someone if I was deserted. So, how did I feel during that timeframe? Actually, I truly felt physically ill after being with her. What I did learn though that really amazed me was how easy it was. Do I regret it, yes. It was really a stupid thing to do. 5
BoaConstrictor Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I'm still in the process of ending a short emotional affair, and I would say that it took me very much by surprise. Having said that, I was bored and feeling somewhat trapped in the daily doldrums. I started chatting with a stranger online just for fun and it just progressed. Once I realized that I was sharing too much and that feelings were developing, I certainly didn't compartmentalize. In fact, I was pretty honest with the OM that I was conflicted. This kept the affair relatively PG, at least for a while. I'm not proud of this, but it spiraled more out of control once my husband found out and once I was faced with the thought of no contact. I'm in therapy now, and I honestly don't think I had the affair because I am unhappy in my marriage. I'm unhappy and depressed in my role as a SAHM. But my marriage? It's great. Of course the EA exposed some of the flaws, and my husband and I have been working through those cracks. Do I have regrets? Sure I do. I regret causing my husband pain and insecurity. I regret the pain I've caused the OM. Life was simpler before I did this. Our marriage was simpler. But I do think this event and what I did has the potential to deepen our marriage. We had become complacent and both took the other for granted. We make more time for each other. We are having better sex. I still hope that this won't forever change our marriage, that we can move forward and that I haven't ruined everything. But time will tell.
BluesPower Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 My situation is much different than most... I was simply in it for the sex for the most part. I did like her a lot though. Actually I liked them all. Then there were many others. Since my wife was not having sex at the time, no I have no guilt what so ever. Several things were going on at once. Something was going on with her, turned out it was a drug addiction that had been going on for 20 years. So she was just a shell of a person at that time. Then it just got to where there was not even any sex. I found it else where. It is not something that I could deal with at all. 1
MuddyFootprints Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 My situation is much different than most... I was simply in it for the sex for the most part. I did like her a lot though. Actually I liked them all. Then there were many others. Since my wife was not having sex at the time, no I have no guilt what so ever. Several things were going on at once. Something was going on with her, turned out it was a drug addiction that had been going on for 20 years. So she was just a shell of a person at that time. Then it just got to where there was not even any sex. I found it else where. It is not something that I could deal with at all. I don't think your situation was much different than most. Most of us justified our affairs and blamed our spouses for our behaviour. I would suggest that most of us didn't have a clue how pertinent our role was in contributing to failure in marital intimacy. 3
Hello Genius Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 Sought out an affair to be adventurous and feel alive again. Still in an emotionless, passionless marriage 25 years long with no desire to do that again. The extreme highs and lows of an affair got old for me. Don't miss the drama. No guilt since at the time I really felt in my heart and soul that I needed an outlet for what I was feeling. 1
BluesPower Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I don't feel the need to justify anything myself. I am just describing the circumstances of my situation. Now I know a lot of people don't feel this way so am just speaking for me. If my wife is not having or wanting sex from me, or refuses sex with me, I am out the door to find my next GF. She gets a week, that is it. Unless of course the is a medical reason for this happening. She knows this and understands it. Plus, she was just about comatose with her addiction so I am not even sure she cared at that point anyhow. And I have no guilt what so ever about it. I would have divorced her if she was not so far gone at the time. I did not feel like she could take care of herself so I was kind of stuck. 2
BluesPower Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 Hello Genius - Why stay in the marriage? I cannot tell if you are male or female from your post. But why stay in an emotionless passionless marriage? I have never been able to understand that. With all our problems, we always have had passion, and love, except for the stretch mentioned above. Of course, when she got sober, all is well for the most part.
Whoknew30 Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 (edited) I had an exit A (well thought it was at the time)...some days it felt great & some days I felt terrible. It felt great to be able to connect with a man that wanted me for me, without all the emotional baggage my marriage had incurred, he listened, he wanted to have sex with me bc I was attractive, not bc I just happen to be his wife & he had to...my H emotionally he checked out on me. Then there were days in a row, that I'd sit alone & cry literally all day from feeling guilty for not feeling guilty, if that makes sense? I'd look at my H & I hated him but loved him at the same time, it was quite nerve wracking. I never thought in a million years I'd be a wife that cheated. Though we're not a standard situation...I married as a teen & "terminally ill" a year later from a type of disease from child birth. In the first two years of marriage, my H & I dealt with more than some couples that had been together for years. We were young & both buckled under the pressure in our own ways. My H emotionally bailed & rug swept everything, never told his friends or family members about my extended stays in the hospital. When i met OM he was the first person that treated me like I was "normal" when everyone else in my life treated me like I would break. Any regrets looking back...not really bc we wouldn't be where we are now if it hadn't been for all the crap that we went through. I regret, that's how it changed. I wish it had in a healthy way vs the way it did. Edited December 3, 2016 by Whoknew30 1
Whoknew30 Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 Hello Genius - Why stay in the marriage? I cannot tell if you are male or female from your post. But why stay in an emotionless passionless marriage? I have never been able to understand that. With all our problems, we always have had passion, and love, except for the stretch mentioned above. Of course, when she got sober, all is well for the most part. See but some could never stay with an addict, no matter how much passion there is...I couldn't bc I grew up around them & love many of them from the bottom of my heart but addiction is a deal breaker for me personally...so everyone stays for different reasons. 2
central Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I assume you mean illicit affairs. I can't help you there. We've both had licit affairs - aka open marriage. No guilt, no regrets, just fun that we've both agreed to because we like sexual variety. 2
Hello Genius Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Hello Genius - Why stay in the marriage? I cannot tell if you are male or female from your post. But why stay in an emotionless passionless marriage? I have never been able to understand that. With all our problems, we always have had passion, and love, except for the stretch mentioned above. Of course, when she got sober, all is well for the most part. I'm female btw. Family obligations. I just couldn't walk away. Glad I didn't as it turns out. I'm not big on chaos and drama which is what you sign up for when you have an affair as well as divorce and shake up the family. Also deep down I knew the affair was doomed to failure. It's fantasyland. I was just looking for an outlet. It was nice to get a spring in my step while it lasted. When you're married over 25 years let's hope you still have passion in your marriage. We did for the first 15 years or so.
BluesPower Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Yes, actually I do and we are going for 26 years. Passion was never our issue though. If it was I would not stay, that is one thing that I cannot do without. Not just sex but a passion to be together. It is the only thing that kept us together through the really bad times. I am sorry that your living in a passionless marriage. I would never let my wife feel that way. Now that we are back on track with her being sober we are making good progress. I hope maybe something changes for the better for you. 2
Hello Genius Posted December 4, 2016 Posted December 4, 2016 Yes, actually I do and we are going for 26 years. Passion was never our issue though. If it was I would not stay, that is one thing that I cannot do without. Not just sex but a passion to be together. It is the only thing that kept us together through the really bad times. I am sorry that your living in a passionless marriage. I would never let my wife feel that way. Now that we are back on track with her being sober we are making good progress. I hope maybe something changes for the better for you. What it boils down to for us is a partnership and we take care of each other and our family. Life has its trade offs Chasing passion is like chasing a high, you sometimes come down lower than where you started. To address OP question about regret. I don't regret my affairs-yes there were more than one- because they allowed me to be content where I am right now, as Im not regretting missing out on great sex and romance. I lived like a single person for a while (got it out of my system) and I'm more comfortable with stability. The affair lifestyle is mentally consuming and distracting, at least for me it was not just about sex. Got other things on my plate right now.
Bittersweetie Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 What was I thinking when I did it? That's a question I still struggle with. WTH was I thinking that I thought what I was doing was even remotely okay? Ugh. I guess I thought I would fill in the gaps of my relationship with someone else. My H would never know. We were, for a short time, living over 2000 miles apart. This fact made it easier for me to compartmentalize everything, since I didn't see my H in person often. I could separate the two "lives" fairly easily. At the time I thought I was swept away, but I see now I made small choices that piled on top of each other to create the A. At any time I could've stopped the path I was on and I didn't. My regrets? All of it. I made the most selfishly hurtful choice ever. I hurt my H and cannot take that away. He said to me once, "you were the one person who was supposed to have my back. And you didn't." I let him down. I let myself down. And I hate that I did that. How did I think it would turn out? With xAP I didn't really picture a future...it was a moment by moment thing. As for my H, I thought he wouldn't know, we would live together again, and everything would be fine. Obviously that's not what happened. Unfortunately, I truly didn't see the magnitude of my actions at that time. Hope this helps. 1
MJJean Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 (edited) This is a question for married people who have had an affair. It's quite a simple one, but likely very complicated as well. Wat were you thinking when you did it? Did you feel any guilt, did you kind of compartmentalize marriage/affair or were you not really thinking much at all and just sort of got swept along ( so to speak)? As a second part of the question, if your A is over, what are your regrets ( if you have any)? While you were cheating, did you ever think it would turn out as it did? I'm really only looking for input from people who have actually been in that situation, not second hand accounts. Thanks I didn't love or even much like my ex in the beginning of the marriage. That lack of affection meant I was totally unattached to him. So, no, I didn't feel guilty. Besides, he had affairs, too. Yes, I did compartmentalize much like people compartmentalize home and work. My marriage was my job, my chore, just business so to speak. My affairs were personal, private, and mine. I don't have any major regrets. The choices I made then lead me to DH. I always figured the affairs would end either because I just faded away or the AP did. Circumstances would change, one or both would be too busy, there'd be some barrier to seeing each other and it would just fizzle out. I was never surprised when one ended because the ending was always something to be expected. Edited December 6, 2016 by MJJean
Got it Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 By the time I had the affair I was done with the marriage, already was planning leaving and left a few weeks after the affair started. Yes I felt guilt in regards to not giving him what he needed and being the one to finally pull the plug though there was relief with it as well. I felt bad lying to him but obviously not enough to change things. I was his emotional support and felt like, even though I was drowning from it for years, felt guilty for finally pulling myself away. Now, years later, we are all friends, he and his wife and kids were at my daughter's first birthday party, and we have thanked each other for what we have given to the other. He has thanked me for being able to walk away. We have moved on to happier lives and have been able to retain our friendship. I love him like a brother and have for a long time. Ours was a relationship that started in high school and after one of the million times we broke up over the years, should have just gone to friends. We always did that part better.
Birdies Posted December 6, 2016 Posted December 6, 2016 (edited) Wat were you thinking when you did it? Did you feel any guilt, did you kind of compartmentalize marriage/affair or were you not really thinking much at all and just sort of got swept along ( so to speak)? As a second part of the question, if your A is over, what are your regrets ( if you have any)? While you were cheating, did you ever think it would turn out as it did? 1) I felt horrible guilt at first and ended things a couple times early on, but as I got deeper into it and fell in love with him, it did become a sort of "new normal" and I was able to compartmentalize more and more. I partially justified it by telling myself that since my husband was failing me as a partner in several key areas and not changing, me failing him wasn't so bad. I knew this wasn't actually true, but it still felt that way a little bit. Clearly all of this is horribly wrong. 2) D-Day happened after about a year. Ugh, I regret so much. Mainly hurting my now-exH so deeply, who I care about and love immensely even though I was resentful about many things and not in love with him anymore. That's about 90% of the regret. I so so wish I could undo that pain I caused. He is pretty amazing and we are still in occasional communication, and he has actively worked to forgive me - grateful for that. I also regret losing friendships, losing the respect of friends / family / colleagues even if they're still somewhat supportive and in my life, and playing my part in hurting the other wife. However, my AP and I are together now and are as happy as you could be given the circumstances, and are working hard to fix what was broken in ourselves that allowed us to do this to people we care about. Our relationship is a serious source of joy in an otherwise ****ty situation. Edited December 6, 2016 by Birdies took out some stuff about the other wife - doesn't matter 1
compulsivedancer Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 I was almost obsessively focused on the affair, which mostly crowded out guilty feelings and other concerns. When I thought about being discovered, I was overly optimistic about how things would turn out. Keep in mind that my xBH and I had been discussing an open marriage, so I'm sure I thought it would be excused, and maybe that we could fudge the dates a bit so that it happened as part of that plan. I regret hurting my husband and my AP's girlfriend. I regret destroying a long-term friendship. I am very sorry for all of the collateral damage the affair caused. However, while I'm sorry for how things happened, I'm glad things have turned out the way they have. At the time, I thought our relationship was pretty good, but now I see that I was slowly losing myself. I am much happier in my current life. I can't speak for my ex, but I don't think things could have gone on the way they were, and I believe his life is on track. 2
Midlifecrisis1 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 What it boils down to for us is a partnership and we take care of each other and our family. Life has its trade offs Chasing passion is like chasing a high, you sometimes come down lower than where you started. To address OP question about regret. I don't regret my affairs-yes there were more than one- because they allowed me to be content where I am right now, as Im not regretting missing out on great sex and romance. I lived like a single person for a while (got it out of my system) and I'm more comfortable with stability. The affair lifestyle is mentally consuming and distracting, at least for me it was not just about sex. Got other things on my plate right now. I hope that I become satisfied and content with a marriage that is a partnership. I don't want to spend my life chasing the highs but I can't see spending the rest of my life without the intimacy...I'm 46... I could have another 40+ years to go!
BluesPower Posted December 9, 2016 Posted December 9, 2016 You know a lot of people here seem to just decide to live without sex, intimacy, passion or even love. My advice is to either get it back if you can or get out. I just cannot see living that way. And at 46, you are really young. It may not feel that way, but you really are.
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