My status update

[sandylee1]

Us happily married men have affairs. So do unhappily married men. But happily married men have affairs for one main reason. They need the adoration and physical affection of multiple women. You know. The predator mentality.

(Those comment were a response to SandyLee)

 

.

 

Yes...... but GOOD HUSBANDS do not have affairs whether happy or not. It's a deceitful and horrible thing to do.

 

The problem is that far too many people do it and it seems like no big deal...until someone gets hurt.

[NTV]

Yes...... but GOOD HUSBANDS do not have affairs whether happy or not.

 

 

And good fathers/mothers don't risk the stability of their family to have an affair...

 

 

'course that's just my opinion. And who am I? A stranger on the internet.

[ladydesigner]

Us happily married men have affairs. So do unhappily married men. But happily married men have affairs for one main reason. They need the adoration and physical affection of multiple women. You know. The predator mentality.

(Those comment were a response to SandyLee)

 

Innocentful. Your goal simply stated is to get out of infidelity. It's not to learn the why of him or to punish him. Keep your eye on that goal and not on ancillary issues. To get out of infidelity you must consider no contact which in your situation may mean changing jobs. The less you see of him the less you'll think of him. And sooner or later he becomes a memory rather than a force in your life. The A becomes a hard lesson learned rather than a driving force in your life.

 

Be very careful now. Rule number one for cheating me is that it is easier to keep an A going and to control AP than it is to locate, groom and entice a new AP.

 

Well I could sure use adoration and affection from multiple men too but my cheating WS would not be too keen on this idea because well it's okay for him to have A's but not me. What a silly concept.

 

Anyone having an A on their partner is not a very good person IMO.

[Iaminnocentgul]

So.. Here it goes (again?). I dumped him. He goes on holidays with his wife and family. He calls from there and even messages and mails. But suddenly stops the talks. I had no contacts with for past 8 days. He came back yesterday but didn't contact me. Today whole day he didn't contact me. And now suddenly, late night he is sending this mail.................

 

Hi Baby, I m back. I took my mom and aunty for a walk out in park. Hope all is well with you. Kisses.

 

Everyone in this forum told me he will come back. And those people have made me strong to decide - I will not reply to his mail. Also I will continue the NC zone. I am just updating my status in this forum. I started writing in this forum as a broken OW. And now I am converting to someone strong and will follow NC till he is out of my system.

 

Wish me luck guys and gals. !

[stilltrying16]

You got it. Good luck, Innocentgirl!! Ignore him.

[Bufo]

Of course he is trying to come back into your life. Remember that several of us predicted that he would because it's easiest for him to keep you holding on as OW than it is to find a new OW. When he was away and wouldn't tell you where he was he was compartmentalizing. You were t even on his radar during his vacation as he literally had no use for you as he was miles away and with his wife. If he really cared for you he would have kept in contact. Lots of OM's do exactly that. He didn't.

 

Please for your own sake start disconnecting with him. Can you block his numbers/texts/emails? Believe me he has only one goal: to keep this A going the exact same way it has been going for him. An OW who makes few if any demands on him.

 

How often do you two meet? Do you ever do anything together outside of your house? Or is the relationship always hidden from prying eyes? The real professionals don't see you too often as that might raise suspicion of BW. Likewise they do whatever they can to prevent accidental detection.

 

WhT has he offered to you except pretty little lies?

[privategal]

"Im back baby"=time for your attention on me again.

I remember once my xap sent me an email intended for his wife while he was emailing calling me baby all morning he wrote her..."Good Morning Baby"

Can you see how that word, and sweet sentiments arent genuine for you?

I know you love him...so its going to be hard for any of us to say get rid of him.

But if you made it 8 days...can you make it 16..then 24...then 32?

Can you start to connect what your gut is telling you to do?

Hes been playing loving father and husband on a sunny vaca...now hes home and wants to take you off the back burner.

Meanwhile a single guy cant meet you and win your heart because you are wrapped up in a dead end road.

He assumed you were waiting by your phone panting for him.

His wife who he will be staying with is no winner...if you stay..you are not a winner...only he wins...he says when, where, and how with two women.

Hes got all the control.

You deserve better...start to see clearly the truth your heart has been blocking from your logical mind.

[Iaminnocentgul]

He called me yesterday 3 times. 2 in morning and 1 in evening. I did not go to office yesterday because I wanted to avoid him. We generally use to meet after office. Yesterday before leaving he messaged - Hope you are ok, I tried calling you but it is going on voicemail, I am just leaving.....

In evening he messaged - hope you are ok, I called you but it is going on voicemail, I didn't wanted to upset you and I went to Mauritius.

He is now telling me where he was and where he is. Even when I am not asking. He is trying to be my friend - platonic relation. Crap!

If he was interested in 'real' platonic relation he would have generally told to me where he was when he called from his holidays. He wouldn't have tried to hide from me and he could have treated me as friend.

He knows by not telling me he treated me as OW, which I was, and I was hurt by that. I was ready for a platonic relation but he never trusted me and treated me like OW.

Anyway, that is what I am thinking. But NC it is and NC it will be!

[TaraMaiden2]

He called me yesterday 3 times. 2 in morning and 1 in evening. ...... <snip>

Anyway, that is what I am thinking. But NC it is and NC it will be!

 

The more you resist responding, the easier it actually gets.

 

You begin to feel empowered, and realise that all the breadcrumbs they're throwing your way, are just worthless chit-chat, for their own benefit.

 

he will get the point, sooner or later.

And he will call you out on it, and question it.

 

That's when you have to be really strong....

 

But doesn't it feel great?

Seeing all those breadcrumbs and thinking - "Hah, you ain't got me no more, pal, keep chuckin' em, I ain't pickin' 'em up no more!!"

[privategal]

Friendship will hurt you alot. A real lot.

I hope you are job searching.

You also seem to have not let him know you are d.o.n.e

Are you mentally prepared to be manipulated in person when you see him at work? You need a plan.

[Bufo]

Stay strong. It's harder to say no than it is to say yes. But NO is the only right answer on this particular test.

 

One idea. Earlier you posted that he actually told you he didn't like you dating other men. OK. What's good for him is good for you. If you have communication with him (such as he borrows someone else's phone to call you) and the conversation gets around to what's gotten into you that makes you think you might want to leave this perfect love relationship (note I am summarizing his point of view here) tell him you don't like him dating another woman, taking her on vacation trips and repeatedly spending the night with her. And because he won't quit that habit, you have moved on. Maybe he'll get lucky and find another who won't mind that he does this. To drive the point home, you can thank him for giving you time to think what's in your best interest when he was away with his wife and family wherever he was and declined to communicate with you.

 

Then segue into telling him you made a very bad decision in allowing this former relationship to develop but you have wised up now. It's Over with a capital O.

 

You shouldn't even care how he responds. Tell him when he starts his tired old arguments with you about how great this relationship is and that he will always love you, sorry but it's time to go. Click. Then block him. Pronto.

 

Work? Be business polite but nothing more. Looked for,a new job yet?

Edited May 14, 2016 by Bufo
Added a part of sentence for context.

[Iaminnocentgul]

The more you resist responding, the easier it actually gets.

 

You begin to feel empowered, and realise that all the breadcrumbs they're throwing your way, are just worthless chit-chat, for their own benefit.

 

he will get the point, sooner or later.

And he will call you out on it, and question it.

 

That's when you have to be really strong....

 

But doesn't it feel great?

Seeing all those breadcrumbs and thinking - "Hah, you ain't got me no more, pal, keep chuckin' em, I ain't pickin' 'em up no more!!"

 

Yes I feel empowered but equally weak seeing his messages. That's not me not to reply. But I have to do that. Else I will be riding rollercoaster again. I guess he realized sooner. Today no calls or no messages. I am having mixed emotions but that's what I have to learn. Not to be sad when I realize that he has forgotten me.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Stay strong. It's harder to say no than it is to say yes. But NO is the only right answer on this particular test.

 

One idea. Earlier you posted that he actually told you he didn't like you dating other men. OK. What's good for him is good for you. If you have communication with him (such as he borrows someone else's phone to call you) and the conversation gets around to what's gotten into you that makes you think you might want to leave this perfect love relationship (note I am summarizing his point of view here) tell him you don't like him dating another woman, taking her on vacation trips and repeatedly spending the night with her. And because he won't quit that habit, you have moved on. Maybe he'll get lucky and find another who won't mind that he does this. To drive the point home, you can thank him for giving you time to think what's in your best interest when he was away with his wife and family wherever he was and declined to communicate with you.

 

Then segue into telling him you made a very bad decision in allowing this former relationship to develop but you have wised up now. It's Over with a capital O.

 

You shouldn't even care how he responds. Tell him when he starts his tired old arguments with you about how great this relationship is and that he will always love you, sorry but it's time to go. Click. Then block him. Pronto.

 

Work? Be business polite but nothing more. Looked for,a new job yet?

 

Sounds like a perfect plan. But I doubt now he will messages. Because I didn't get any messages today.

As mentioned I am having mixed emotions. Have to get over those.

 

My major problem is I cannot change my job at snap of finger. But I will try to avoid and sit in different building for coming week. I am going to hide. When I think I am out of these mixed feelings and I am not affected by him calling me or not calling me then I will go back in the team where we both work together. Maybe by then he will be also used to not calling me or seeing me. Hence maybe he will not talk in office, for which I will again have to become strong. I don't like cold shoulders in office environment but I have to take that from him for me to move on! Strength Strength Strength!!!

[Bufo]

Remember Professor Bufo's First Law of Relationships: The one who cares the least has the most power. Work on not caring. Do not waste time thinking about how he feels or how he might act. You have enough on your plate concerning yourself to waste time and effort thinking about him.

 

Make yourself available to other activities. Dating can be fun, for instance even if the date is a bust. So can taking a hobby class. Those are just two examples.

 

In short you do NOT need him for validation. He needs more than his marriage and family provide. That's his problem. Not yours.

[privategal]

Yes I feel empowered but equally weak seeing his messages. That's not me not to reply. But I have to do that. Else I will be riding rollercoaster again. I guess he realized sooner. Today no calls or no messages. I am having mixed emotions but that's what I have to learn. Not to be sad when I realize that he has forgotten me.

 

Its a slippery slope when you are still strong when they are contacting you and you are still getting the hits...hes chasing, hes writing, he wonders about me, he is missing me...see you noticed he didnt write today...even subconsciously you are waiting for his contact...

He didnt try again...you are worrying..waiyting...maybe even hoping..

This is why...you arent out of the woods.

Seeing they reach out..try..it gives us the HIT. so....with time..strength...determination...you WILL MEAN what you say. It wont be hard to not respond...it will be easy. He will be blocked and he will be clear...X doesnt date married men and will not let me string her along.

You are soooo close. Please stay Nc and have a gameplan in mind for Monday at work. My guess..he wont take to kindly you ignored him...you may get the cold shoulder and wont like it...then tables * might turn giving him power back and allowing the crummy friendship deal. Be prepared.

[Iaminnocentgul]

Updates - He messaged yesterday "can you please let me know whether you are ok?"

Today (Monday) I am not sitting in the same building as we use to sit (we work in same team). I managed to hide. This is not a good solution - running away. but I feel I don't want to see his face at early stages of NC when I am bit vulnerable. He messaged in morning - "I am having doctor's appointment and I am bit nervous with some health checkup results. I don't expect sympathy from you. You are my best friend and I have always trusted you. I just get nervous"

What is all this about? I want to call him and talk to him and ask how he is. What is happening. But this will spoil all my 10 days of hardwork i did to move away from him. He is having whole family and beautiful wife who will look after. He can get love from them and he can love them back. I am really in worst emotional state. I don't want to talk but I am getting strongest urges of calling him. I am near him in the campus hiding from him. Whereas he is just few steps away from me when I can see him. I have not seen him since ages (I feel like that) It's been only 16 days actually. I want to call him, talk to him, see him but I don't want to. Cry...

[ChickiePops]

Updates - He messaged yesterday "can you please let me know whether you are ok?"

Today (Monday) I am not sitting in the same building as we use to sit (we work in same team). I managed to hide. This is not a good solution - running away. but I feel I don't want to see his face at early stages of NC when I am bit vulnerable. He messaged in morning - "I am having doctor's appointment and I am bit nervous with some health checkup results. I don't expect sympathy from you. You are my best friend and I have always trusted you. I just get nervous"

What is all this about? I want to call him and talk to him and ask how he is. What is happening. But this will spoil all my 10 days of hardwork i did to move away from him. He is having whole family and beautiful wife who will look after. He can get love from them and he can love them back. I am really in worst emotional state. I don't want to talk but I am getting strongest urges of calling him. I am near him in the campus hiding from him. Whereas he is just few steps away from me when I can see him. I have not seen him since ages (I feel like that) It's been only 16 days actually. I want to call him, talk to him, see him but I don't want to. Cry...

 

Oh please don't fall for that. He's just trying to get you to speak to him.

[TaraMaiden2]

Updates - He messaged yesterday "can you please let me know whether you are ok?"

 

Don't, for goodness sake respond to this, and here's why....

...He messaged in morning - "I am having doctor's appointment and I am bit nervous with some health checkup results. I don't expect sympathy from you. You are my best friend and I have always trusted you. I just get nervous"

Primarily, he wants to know you're ok, because he wants to lean on you and use YOUR strength of feelings as a prop....

 

Do not break, hun.

Gosh, you know, you're amazing, and you're doing so well!

 

What is all this about? I want to call him and talk to him and ask how he is. What is happening. But this will spoil all my 10 days of hardwork i did to move away from him. He is having whole family and beautiful wife who will look after. He can get love from them and he can love them back. I am really in worst emotional state. I don't want to talk but I am getting strongest urges of calling him. I am near him in the campus hiding from him. Whereas he is just few steps away from me when I can see him. I have not seen him since ages (I feel like that) It's been only 16 days actually. I want to call him, talk to him, see him but I don't want to. Cry...

I feel for you - honest, truly, I really do.

(((Hugs))) hun. Hang in there, ring someone else, do whatever you can to bypass this.You're at the peak of the withdrawal symptoms. It hurts, I know....

It's like coming of a hard drug... The feeling is almost overwhelming. I get it....

 

Hang in there... we're with you all the way....

[Bufo]

Reply? If you are compelled against all reason and common sense to do so, use this: I'm fine. Nothing more. This answers the how are you question and does not invite a reply. Do not engage in messaging, conversation, emails, smoke signals or mental telepathy with him. Stay off that dead end street!

 

Strength to you.

[Iaminnocentgul]

We broke up since 2 weeks. We decided to be friends. He came to my home after that. Nothing happened at all. We chatted just like friends. Infact before leaving he even said I can't believe we didn't kiss. He messaged after 2 days if you need kiss call me. I was upset about the thought that - what he thinks of me! I blasted at him wherein he apologised and said he will maintain dignity of friendship. After 3-4 days he told he had plans to go out on holidays with his family. I thought he will come to meet me - honestly just as friends like the last time we met as friends. But he didnt come. I was very upset on him and asked him why he didnt come as friends when he only decided he will. He said he don't want to mislead me. I said ok - please cut the chord totally even of friendship. He said he will talk after holidays. During holidays he messaged everyday saying I am his best friend. After holidays he called me and talked just like friends. I am finding it so difficult. I have stopped everything with him but I get upset when he don't call everyday or if he doesn't meet even as friends. I don't want to do this. There is nothing happening between us but I still expect him to call me or meet me. I am so worried about my own mindset. Do I want him to call me or meet as friends! Really! I hate this.! When I am not doing anything why I am expecting anything from him now?

[Forever broken]

Am sorry but it is going to be very difficult to maintain friendship with him with feelings involved. Do not wait for him to decide and cut the cord. You can, too.

[aileD]

The line has already been crossed. There's no way to go back to just friends. Cut him loose.

[whattodo2]

Hmmm if you both want to see each other everyday and text all the time and can't stop thinking about each other, I have to ask, what caused the breakup? Because clearly by the "kissing" texts you both are still attracted to each other.

[RecentChange]

Soooooooooo you're the Other Woman?

 

You can't be friends. I would say it's damn near impossible.

 

Cut the cord for good. Block him.

[thelilith]

If you enjoy spending time and talking with this man for reasons other than romance/sex, there is a chance to give this friendship a try, but you have to be determined.

 

Ignore him when he attempts flirting. Force yourself to start seeing someone else, be open about it to him (MM) and if he thinks he has any say in it, tell him otherwise. Be firm.

 

If you really feel a connection with this guy and want to keep him in your life, even though you may not be together, give it a try. It´s better than not knowing what could be.