furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 I am 32 years old. I am at a point where I am ready to settle down and start a family. I haven't been in many long term relationships because I moved to several different states with my past employer. When I have dated guys in the past and I didn't think they were relationship material, I immediately ended things because I do not believe in wasting anybody's time or settling. Now that I have moved back home and have found a job in the state that I am originally from, I am ready to settle down. I met this guy online. We have been hanging out and things have been going well. However, something he told me about one of his past relationships has me worried. He told me he was in a relationship with someone for seven years that he never married because she would not work. He knew she didn't have plans on working after being in a relationship with her for two years but he continued to date her for five more years. He did not go into detail about how things ended but he told me that he saw her at the mall a few years ago and she did not speak to him. He said she was angry with him because she felt like he wasted her time by staying with her for that long without marrying her. Even though I felt like they both played a part in staying in a relationship that was going nowhere for too long, I agree that she should have been angry with him. I have a hard time accepting the fact that he stayed with someone for that long that he had no intentions on committing to. He is 40 years old with no kids and he has never been married. Am I wasting my time with this guy? I believe that past behavior predicts future behavior. I would NEVER stay in a relationship with someone for over two years that I have no intentions on marrying. Am I over-reacting? Please let me know what you think.
MarkIVSteel Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 (edited) You are already self sabotaging your relationship with these thoughts. How about taking the relationship one day at a time[] Edited December 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
ElizabethIII Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Yes. He is 40 and already led someone on for many years and had no children and no intention of marrying. I would cut him loose. 2
Shining One Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 I wouldn't assume that marriage is off the table for this guy. It seems like he labelled his ex as not marriage material (I would do the same in that situation). Some people are okay with being in relationships that don't lead to marriage. It doesn't mean they are against marriage though. I fall into this category. I'm okay with a perpetual, non-legally binding relationship. I'm also open to marriage, under the right circumstances.Yes. He is 40 and already led someone on for many years and had no children and no intention of marrying.Where are you getting the impression that he led her on? I see nothing in the original post about him leading on his ex. 4
Tribble Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 I get that past behaviour predicts future...to a certain extent. The thing is though, you aren't his ex. So he didn't see marriage with her, but stayed because he was comfortable. Not ideal but hardly a hanging offence either. She has a part to play in moving the relationship in the direction she wanted too. Just because he stayed with someone he didn't want to marry for so long doesn't mean he'll do the same with you. He might not have been interested in marrying then but is now, with the right person. People change their minds. It seems like such a small thing and nothing to do with you. Are you looking for reasons to stop dating this guy? It's kind of like saying he waited 3 months to sleep with his ex but I don't want to wait 3 months so I'm going to move on... 1
Larryville Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Yes. He is 40 and already led someone on for many years and had no children and no intention of marrying. Just because he stayed with someone he didn't want to marry for so long doesn't mean he'll do the same with you. He might not have been interested in marrying then but is now, with the right person. People change their minds. He told me he was in a relationship with someone for seven years that he never married because she would not work. I’m sorry to be blunt but he willingly and completely wasted 7 years of his life being with someone he clearly did not respect. Says a lot about him. You are already self-sabotaging your relationship with these thoughts. Tis true so deep down you don’t respect him, and you will NEVER get that back. Never ignore your gut. If you want to start a family move on. Don’t waste your time. 3
Survivor12 Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 It could be that he stayed because he was hoping that things would change and didn't want to give up on the relationship. I'm not judging but just saying that not everyone is the same. 3
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 It could be that he stayed because he was hoping that things would change and didn't want to give up on the relationship. I'm not judging but just saying that not everyone is the same. This exactly^^^ If you are so worried about having your time wasted, Set some timeline goals and expectations. Say like, give yourself a year with him....if there are no plans to marry or no engagement ring on your finger by this time, then cut him loose. Basically it's up to YOU to communicate well through out the dating process with him, and observe closely. If his actions match his promises, then great, if not you know what to do. 3
Gloria25 Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 (edited) I get that past behaviour predicts future...to a certain extent. The thing is though, you aren't his ex. So he didn't see marriage with her, but stayed because he was comfortable. Not ideal but hardly a hanging offence either. She has a part to play in moving the relationship in the direction she wanted too. Just because he stayed with someone he didn't want to marry for so long doesn't mean he'll do the same with you. He might not have been interested in marrying then but is now, with the right person. People change their minds. It seems like such a small thing and nothing to do with you. Are you looking for reasons to stop dating this guy? It's kind of like saying he waited 3 months to sleep with his ex but I don't want to wait 3 months so I'm going to move on... Yeah, didn't you say his ex didn't wanna get a job or something? She sounds like a moocher and what guy would marry a woman and give her more legal rights to his stuff/money when she seemed to be a lazy moocher. Communication is needed here. You need to let him know if kids, marriage, etc is what your end goal is, so you don't have two years to waste on a guy who just wants "company" without commitment (if that indeed is his thing). IMO, by the 3rd date and/or before sex happens people should have the "what are you looking for?' convo, cuz there's no way people don't know what they want. Life isn't like the movies where guy meets girl and realizes he wants to become a husband and father. I wouldn't take seriously someone who made such life changing decisons (marriage, kids) just cuz they're swept up in excitement over someone. Now, I am a childless and never married person and yeah, some guys may wonder what's my deal. Look, I have and been trying to explain to my close friends and on LS what I'm looking for. I always knew and told them I'll try with the right guy. My current dude, I am having that realization that it is true what some say - which is, if someone's into you, you don't have to wonder cuz he/she will treat you a certain way. Well, with him, I'm being patient and taking a different approach cuz while I'm still getting to know him, I like what I see so far and am crossing my fingers we can hit it off. So, just cuz your guy treated a moocher at arms length, it probably was cuz she was a moocher and hopefully since I gather you're a wonderful gal and have a lot to offer, he's gonna elevate you to a higher status. But you do need to have that frank convo with him to lay out what you're looking for. My only gripe so far with current dude is he listened to me and didn't really say what he's looking for dating wise...not sure if he just wants "company", someone to be involved with his child as a stepmom, or marriage and more kids. Edited December 2, 2016 by Gloria25
lovingladyo4 Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 (edited) I personally believe that at your age there are different factors that come into play than if you were both in your twenties. I agree with you that looking ahead into the future needs to be a little more defined than just hanging out and having fun for who knows how long. My first thought is that this guy knew all along he could keep going in the relationship without a commitment. That screams red flag to me. It's almost sounds like he went along for the ride because it always worked in his favor. The flip side to this is that he may see something more in you and decide that settling down would be the preferred option for him. Anything can happen. If you like this guy, proceed with caution and above all else guard your heart. Do not give him him any leeway to hurt you or let you down. If he is man enough, he should have the maturity to recognize that solid healthy relationships are a two-way street. Try to discern his mind; does he contribute to the relationship by giving only enough to still play it safe? Let time be on your side. You have all these thoughts bottled up in your mind and only time will reveal what path this new experience can go in. You seem to have your mental and emotional list of priorities, which I commend you for, so in the mean time, try to have fun and detect what this guy's agenda really is. it will surface, you can be sure of that. Edited December 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 This isn't a christian site. There are sites that are more suited for this belief. 4
ChatroomHero Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 I would say someone that wouldn't get a job for 7 years was a lazy mooch that I would not marry. To be blunt if I liked hanging out with her a lot and banging her, I would ride that train as long as I wanted. I would not marry someone like that because it would benefit her yet potentially destroy me. I am guessing she likely knew he did not want to marry her because she was a bad financial risk but she ignored it because she didn't want to p*ss on the gravy train. I think if you are going to judge people on past relationships you should turn it around on yourself too. If you are 32 and not married, and say it is because you moved around for jobs etc and have not had many long term relationships...would it be fair for him to say YOU are not marriage material based on your past? Should he dump you because you will move on him with your job and you have commitment issues to a LTR based on your history? Wouldn't it be better for him to judge you based on who you are now and how you are with him today? 1
Author furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 Are you looking for reasons to stop dating this guy? It's kind of like saying he waited 3 months to sleep with his ex but I don't want to wait 3 months so I'm going to move on... Not really. I just don't want to end being next person he settles with.
Author furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 I think if you are going to judge people on past relationships you should turn it around on yourself too. If you are 32 and not married, and say it is because you moved around for jobs etc and have not had many long term relationships...would it be fair for him to say YOU are not marriage material based on your past? Should he dump you because you will move on him with your job and you have commitment issues to a LTR based on your history? Wouldn't it be better for him to judge you based on who you are now and how you are with him today? Actually, I do expect people to judge me based on my past. I believe people change a little over time.....but not that much. I would not allow anyone to get serious with me in the past because I knew I was not ready to settle down and I DO NOT BELIEVE IN WASTING PEOPLE'S TIME. That happens to be something I am proud of. I was always on the go with my old job and I was not happy with that. Now that I have a job near my hometown and I am surrounded by family and friends that can help me out if I decide to start having children......I feel like I am in a position to settle down and start a family. 1
Author furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 This exactly^^^ If you are so worried about having your time wasted, Set some timeline goals and expectations. Say like, give yourself a year with him....if there are no plans to marry or no engagement ring on your finger by this time, then cut him loose. Basically it's up to YOU to communicate well through out the dating process with him, and observe closely. If his actions match his promises, then great, if not you know what to do. Thanks for the response. I will most definitely be following this advice. He seems to be a great guy but when he told me about that it kind of scared me a little because I am the complete opposite of that. He told me he stayed with her in hopes that she would change. Someone else on the forum said that may have been the reason that he stayed with her, too. I am going to keep dating this guy and hopefully everything works out. Wish me luck! 3
ChatroomHero Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Actually, I do expect people to judge me based on my past. I believe people change a little over time.....but not that much. I would not allow anyone to get serious with me in the past because I knew I was not ready to settle down and I DO NOT BELIEVE IN WASTING PEOPLE'S TIME. That happens to be something I am proud of. I was always on the go with my old job and I was not happy with that. Now that I have a job near my hometown and I am surrounded by family and friends that can help me out if I decide to start having children......I feel like I am in a position to settle down and start a family. Right, but if every guy judged you on your past, none would ever marry you. If they judge you on the present, you feel you are in a position to settle down where in the past you weren't, so your status and situation have changed from the past. So again, should guys judge you on your past of not being in a position to settle down or should they judge you on the present and you being in a different place than in the past? Shouldn't you judge a guy based on whether he would marry you in the present situation with you or do you want to judge him on whether he would marry someone he used to date in the past?
Author furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 Where are you getting the impression that he led her on? I see nothing in the original post about him leading on his ex. He was with her for seven years. She quit her job after being with him for two years and told him she had no intentions on working again until her children were done with school. Her children were only around two and four at the time. This is the reason he said he never married her. Although I am not sure how their relationship ended, I am pretty sure the fact that he never married her had something to do with. He told me he seen her at the mall after they broke up and she did not speak to him. He said she did not speak to him because she was still angry about the fact that he wasted her time by staying with her for so long without marrying her. Shining One, We might have a different perception of what it means to lead someone on. I personally think she was led on because he stayed with her five additional years knowing she would not work and as a result he would not marry her. In his defense, he did say he thought she would change.....but that is why I kind of worry about this whole thing. I personally would have moved on. I would have never spent five additional years with someone I had no intentions on marrying.
Author furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 Right, but if every guy judged you on your past, none would ever marry you. If they judge you on the present, you feel you are in a position to settle down where in the past you weren't, so your status and situation have changed from the past. So again, should guys judge you on your past of not being in a position to settle down or should they judge you on the present and you being in a different place than in the past? Shouldn't you judge a guy based on whether he would marry you in the present situation with you or do you want to judge him on whether he would marry someone he used to date in the past? With all due respect.....your post does not make any sense. When I tell people about my past dating history, they usually respect my choice to not get serious with anyone while I was working such a non-predictable job. So, I actually love for people to judge me based on how I dated in the past because it says a lot about my character. I would tell guys upfront that I was not looking for anything serious because of my situation. ChatrroomHero, I tried to explain why I felt the way I feel. Either you are not comprehending what I am trying to say or you are offended because you have been in a similar situation in which you have knowingly led someone on or wasted someone's time. Have you wasted someone's time like this before? Do you think it is alright to stay in a relationship with someone that you have no intentions on marrying for seven whole years?
Raena Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 With all due respect.....your post does not make any sense. When I tell people about my past dating history, they usually respect my choice to not get serious with anyone while I was working such a non-predictable job. So, I actually love for people to judge me based on how I dated in the past because it says a lot about my character. I would tell guys upfront that I was not looking for anything serious because of my situation. ChatrroomHero, I tried to explain why I felt the way I feel. Either you are not comprehending what I am trying to say or you are offended because you have been in a similar situation in which you have knowingly led someone on or wasted someone's time. Have you wasted someone's time like this before? Do you think it is alright to stay in a relationship with someone that you have no intentions on marrying for seven whole years? I stayed with a man for 11 years with no intention of marrying him. I would have stayed with him forever without marrying him because I loved him but marrying him was not financially a good idea for me. Every person is different. I'm not against marriage, but I don't think it's the be all to end all either. Marriages fall apart just as easily as long term commitments without marriage do. You should really find out if he is just against marriage or if he was just never really sure he wanted to marry her because of the circumstances. She's probably mad at him for much more than just that he didn't marry her. 2
ChatroomHero Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 With all due respect.....your post does not make any sense. When I tell people about my past dating history, they usually respect my choice to not get serious with anyone while I was working such a non-predictable job. So, I actually love for people to judge me based on how I dated in the past because it says a lot about my character. I would tell guys upfront that I was not looking for anything serious because of my situation. ChatrroomHero, I tried to explain why I felt the way I feel. Either you are not comprehending what I am trying to say or you are offended because you have been in a similar situation in which you have knowingly led someone on or wasted someone's time. Have you wasted someone's time like this before? Do you think it is alright to stay in a relationship with someone that you have no intentions on marrying for seven whole years? lol. Why would I be offended or really care much about what you posted? I am offering my opinion on a message board where YOU asked for opinions, and you want to psychoanalyze me based on a couple of paragraphs response? Hmmm, ok. In the future you probably should just post your question and what opinions you want people to respond with and save some time. You seem to be convinced the right answer for you is to dump him because anyone in a long term relationship that does not get married must not be marriage material so why solicit opinions in the first place, you already have your answer? Anyways, I don't really care. You'd probably be doing him a favor if you dumped him. Good luck. 1
kismetkismet Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 How long ago was it that they dated? I don't think I would stop dating him just from that, but it would make me want to be more clear about my intentions. Did she tell him she wanted to marry him and he lied about wanting to eventually marry her? It's not a crime to date someone for a long time and not marry them unless the person was deviously mislead. But again, since he's 40 and never been married and with that past experience, I would make it clear in time that you would like to settle down and don't want to date for 7 years and not get married. My fiancé dated his ex for 6 years, but proposed to me after 14 months. sometimes you don't realize how important certain things are to you until you have them, or you don't realize exactly what it is that you want/need. When you really do love someone it's not uncommon to want to brush certain traits under the carpet and hope that you can make it work. 1
Author furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 lol. Why would I be offended or really care much about what you posted? I am offering my opinion on a message board where YOU asked for opinions, and you want to psychoanalyze me based on a couple of paragraphs response? Hmmm, ok. In the future you probably should just post your question and what opinions you want people to respond with and save some time. You seem to be convinced the right answer for you is to dump him because anyone in a long term relationship that does not get married must not be marriage material so why solicit opinions in the first place, you already have your answer? Anyways, I don't really care. You'd probably be doing him a favor if you dumped him. Good luck. Ok........
Author furby19 Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 How long ago was it that they dated? I don't think I would stop dating him just from that, but it would make me want to be more clear about my intentions. Did she tell him she wanted to marry him and he lied about wanting to eventually marry her? It's not a crime to date someone for a long time and not marry them unless the person was deviously mislead. But again, since he's 40 and never been married and with that past experience, I would make it clear in time that you would like to settle down and don't want to date for 7 years and not get married. My fiancé dated his ex for 6 years, but proposed to me after 14 months. sometimes you don't realize how important certain things are to you until you have them, or you don't realize exactly what it is that you want/need. When you really do love someone it's not uncommon to want to brush certain traits under the carpet and hope that you can make it work. Thanks for the advice. I am going to talk to him to see what his intentions are for the future. I am also going to continue dating him to see what happens.
Shining One Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Shining One, We might have a different perception of what it means to lead someone on. I personally think she was led on because he stayed with her five additional years knowing she would not work and as a result he would not marry her.The way I see it, leading someone on involves falsely promising a future event (in this case marriage) with no actual intention of following through.Do you think it is alright to stay in a relationship with someone that you have no intentions on marrying for seven whole years?I know this question wasn't directed at me, but I'll answer: Yes. It's alright to stay in a relationship with someone for as long as you want without intentions of marrying them as long as you're not being deceitful about your long term intentions. If I told a woman that I would marry her "some day" when I had no intention of actually doing so, then that would be wrong. If neither of us brings up the topic of marriage and we both just keep "going with the flow", then neither of us is doing anything wrong. 1
winny Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Have you wasted someone's time like this before? Do you think it is alright to stay in a relationship with someone that you have no intentions on marrying for seven whole years? We cannot comment on that.... yes it maybe totally okay to be in a relationship with someone for 7 years without wanting to get married. Not everyone thinks that marriage is the goal... not everyone is looking for marriage just because a particular number of years have passed in a relationship. Case in point - Oprah And someone doesn't become a bad person or time waster because they didn't want to get married.... stop judging the guy due to his past and evaluate him based on what he is now. 3
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