Is your actual age or perceived age more important?

[NuevoYorko]

A middle aged man who acts like he's 20 is not sounding so good ...

[Sunkissedpatio]

But when I tried OLD, things were totally different. Suddenly my age was a huge deal. It was almost impossible to get a date with anyone under 30. They probably assumed my pics were from the last millennium...

 

My most recent ex and I dated for 3 years. I was 41 and she was 26 when we met. She said she never felt like she was dating an older guy except when she was reminded about my actual age. It never came up except for her occasionally poking fun with old man jokes.

 

So my perspective is that how you look and act is MUCH more significant than your actual age. Yet OLD taught that people put WAY too much importance on that number if they never met you. It's probably one of the many reasons I find OLD to be completely worthless...

 

I can see your issue of looking too young. It's not fun for guys so you might as well use it to your advantage and try to get with younger women. I had a guy friend like you back when I was in my early 30's his life wasn't ideal because no one took him seriously. He certainly didn't get far in his career either because everyone thought he was "Skippy" someone's baby brother. This guy just looked like he was permanently 20 yrs old. So I can empathize with what it must be like to not look remotely close to your age for a man.

 

Having said that, if you look at the parts I copied from your OP I find interesting that you even have to ask why a 25 yr old woman online or wherever, if given the choice based on age alone, wouldn't want to date a middle aged man regardless of how he looks. I would be making the same observation if a grown woman like myself (I'm just a year older than you) would be asking:

 

"I just don't get it. I look pretty good for 45 but why are 25 yr old men not interested in dating me?" Pregnancy aside.

 

Can you see how ridiculous that question even sounds? Think of yourself at 25.

 

I think of myself at 25, I thought 30 was an old man. At 25 or even 30 women have the pick of the crop. Why in the world would they settle for a man who will be 50 before she is even 30?

 

Just think about that. Take yourself, and your emotions, out of the equation and think of the theoretical example. Really think about it. Your daughter is grown up and 23 and wants you to meet her boyfriend it's a 45 year old man, divorced and who has a kid with some other woman.

 

At 25 you have all the hopes and dreams of making your family and realizing your own goals with the love of your life. Do you think most women are fantasizing about doing that with a middle aged guy who is divorced and has some kid with another girl?

 

Most healthy 25 year olds are looking for age appropriate men. It's really that simple.

Edited December 2, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Els]

I agree with this. As long as these are two consenting adults and no one is being lied to, I'm not seeing the issue others seem to be having w CryForNoOne's choices either.

 

He seems to be happy w the way his dating life is going, that's what really matters, so good for him.

 

If I read the OP's thread correctly, he's complaining that some women on OLD are excluding him due to his age without giving him a chance to show them how young he actually 'looks' like.

 

I'm not an OLD fan in general for other reasons, but my thoughts are that those young women have EVERY RIGHT to exclude him due to his biological age. Like I said in a previous post, when you're talking a potentially lifelong relationship, biological age difference matters far too much. Imagine spending your entire 50s taking care of your 80 yo partner as he goes through the bevy of medical conditions that are common in men that age, and then watching your spouse die at 55. Or even at 45, if he's less lucky...

 

Yes, we all do that for our parents, but that's very different from it being your own partner, for obvious reasons. And yes, it can potentially happen at any age, but obviously the risks are significantly higher above a certain age.

 

Any young woman with a reasonable head on her shoulders will consider this seriously, and likely exclude much older men from serious relationships for a damned good reason, even if they look like goddamn Peter Pan. It doesn't make them 'superficial' or 'frivolous' as the OP claims. In fact, he is likely more 'superficial' or 'frivolous' than they are, if he thinks that his 'youthful appearance' is all that should matter.

Edited December 3, 2016 by Elswyth

[gaius]

Perceived age is more important but actual age can be a HUGE mental impediment for a lot of people. They should probably just remove age from dating sites entirely. If you really want to know just ask the person.

 

My girlfriend and I started talking and intense sparks starting flying before we discussed age. Which is a good thing, because if her first impression was just a picture next to my age on a dating site she probably would have passed. Which would have been a tragedy since our chemistry is so hot and we're so f-in good together.

[mortensorchid]

It's a complicated situation. I also wonder at times why a man would want to date a woman so much younger. The second love of my life and I are still good friends today, he was 40 and I was 22 when we were together off and on for two years. I think most people see a man who does that (and I agree about this guy as well) see a man as immature who doesn't want an adult woman but rather a kid. Nowadays a woman who wants to date a younger man is seen as sexy. In my situation today, in my 40s, I am attracting younger men as well as men older than me. It's AWESOME to be this age, I am the cougar to the boys and the hot, young babe to the grandpa bracket. But that's me as a woman. I don't look or act my age, I get carded as well.

 

In general, I realize more and more, it's a very delicate balance between between people. If it's right it's right, if not, it's ... Not. And it's not right in many situations, age difference being one of them.

[joseb]

Perceived age is more important but actual age can be a HUGE mental impediment for a lot of people. They should probably just remove age from dating sites entirely. If you really want to know just ask the person.

 

Yeah i agree, it needs to be more like real life.

 

One thing people on here seem to assume is that you should date your own age because you will have more common with them and be in similar life situations. This is not always the case.

 

I don't have kids, I travel a lot, I do work that pays well and is very technically challenging because I enjoy it. I'm not into corporate ladder climbing. I have way more in common with most people 10 years younger than most my own age. There are exceptions of course.

 

I'm a similar age as OP, and I do look younger, and in real life I normally am attracted to and meet women a bit younger, but yeah on OLD it just doesn't work because they automatically write you off (and on apps like Tinder they won't even see you). It's one of the many reason I stick mostly to IRL dating.

[CryForNoOne]

If I read the OP's thread correctly, he's complaining that some women on OLD are excluding him due to his age without giving him a chance to show them how young he actually 'looks' like.

 

I'm not an OLD fan in general for other reasons, but my thoughts are that those young women have EVERY RIGHT to exclude him due to his biological age. Like I said in a previous post, when you're talking a potentially lifelong relationship, biological age difference matters far too much. Imagine spending your entire 50s taking care of your 80 yo partner as he goes through the bevy of medical conditions that are common in men that age, and then watching your spouse die at 55. Or even at 45, if he's less lucky...

 

Yes, we all do that for our parents, but that's very different from it being your own partner, for obvious reasons. And yes, it can potentially happen at any age, but obviously the risks are significantly higher above a certain age.

 

Any young woman with a reasonable head on her shoulders will consider this seriously, and likely exclude much older men from serious relationships for a damned good reason, even if they look like goddamn Peter Pan. It doesn't make them 'superficial' or 'frivolous' as the OP claims. In fact, he is likely more 'superficial' or 'frivolous' than they are, if he thinks that his 'youthful appearance' is all that should matter.

 

First of all, I really wasn't complaining. I'm perfectly content with whom I'm meeting and dating. I rarely use OLD anyway, so why would I complaining about it? You also repeatedly quoted the words 'superficial' and 'frivolous' as if attributed to me, but I never used either word once in this thread. I made an observation that with OLD vs IRL, age is significantly more important to women (and probably men). Since that narrows my options, of course I'm not happy about it, but I'm not losing any sleep over it. I only thought of this thread because someone, probably an older guy, asked how I kept meeting younger women.

 

I don't like OLD because it skews the problems that already exist between men and women. Guys get frustrated by the lack of success, so their misogynistic, horny, and desperate tendencies come out when they might otherwise be good guys. Many women get overwhelmed by the number of responses and can afford to be picky, so using your terminology, appear more 'superficial' or 'frivilous' then they might otherwise be. It's well documented that a man who is a '7' or '8' has to do summersaults to score a date with a '5', so why bother? If I say hello online I probably have a 10% of getting a number. IRL I do it at a bar and my odds are well over 50%. Probably closer to 80% if they are single. Another major knock I have is that mutal chemistry is the basis of attraction and no online dating site I've been on is capable of predicting that. The list making is probably good for long term compatibility, but it also leads to alot of high expectation dates that end in disappointment...

Edited December 3, 2016 by CryForNoOne

[CryForNoOne]

Yeah i agree, it needs to be more like real life.

 

One thing people on here seem to assume is that you should date your own age because you will have more common with them and be in similar life situations. This is not always the case.

 

I don't have kids, I travel a lot, I do work that pays well and is very technically challenging because I enjoy it. I'm not into corporate ladder climbing. I have way more in common with most people 10 years younger than most my own age. There are exceptions of course.

 

I'm a similar age as OP, and I do look younger, and in real life I normally am attracted to and meet women a bit younger, but yeah on OLD it just doesn't work because they automatically write you off (and on apps like Tinder they won't even see you). It's one of the many reason I stick mostly to IRL dating.

 

Yup. Exactly. A woman between 25-30 is not necessarily immature. There are plenty of times I shut down a potential hookup because she was 25 going on 15. Those are not the ones I'm seeking a relationship with.

 

Most of my friends are balding, overweight, married, and with kids. I have a daughter that I adore and am extremely devoted to but I have her every other weekend. The other 26 days in the month, I'm a single guy who is the frontman in a rock band who loves to go see live music. If I meet the right lady, which I thought I did 4 years ago, I'll happily settle down again, but in the meantime I'm enjoying the privilege my baby face affords me...

[CryForNoOne]

Lastly, I have no problem meeting quality women my age. My life circumstances don't really encourage that. I work at a tech job M-F where I have virtually zero contact with single women. Half my weekends I'm with my daughter. Evenings and other weekends I'm gigging and touring. The single female demographic at bars and concerts is dominated by 20s and early 30s...

[selinaluv]

 

 

Maybe a little. But when I contrast OLD versus IRL, my takeaway is that people ONLINE place WAY too much importance on superficial nonsense. They filter by age online (and a ton of other nonsense), which IRL they wouldn't. It's consistent with all the other behavior patterns I've observed with OLD.

 

Age never mattered to me one bit until I noticed how meaningless it was IRL but so important with OLD...

 

I am not trying to nit pick here, but note you were the one who did say superficial and were first to bring it up. Noting it because people here did not just pull that from anywhere.

[OatsAndHall]

Even dating women ten years younger than me is problematic. My last long term relationship was with a gal who was 8 years my junior and "wise beyond her years", so to speak. But, she's at a different point in her life than I am. She's just finishing up school, she hasn't established a career yet (she will pretty quickly once she's done) and she wants a family within the near future. She's also very close to her folks, they live half-way across the country and she has talked about moving out there. I, on the other hand, am established on my career, don't have any intention of moving for a woman, and am a bit gun-shy about starting up a family after my divorce. There's a part of me that really wants a family but it damn-sure had better be with the right woman. We broke it off a few months ago but she popped up and wants to get back together. A part of my is ecstatic as she is a wonderful woman. We had our issues but she's still a nice, honest, reliable gal. But, I am hesitant to get back into it with her because of the issues I described above.

[CryForNoOne]

I am not trying to nit pick here, but note you were the one who did say superficial and were first to bring it up. Noting it because people here did not just pull that from anywhere.

 

Fair enough. I didn't recall using that word.

[NuevoYorko]

It's possible that there are other reasons you're struggling with getting dates, aside from the fact that you look young enough to be your own child.

[kckc]

Now I'm about to go on a date with a 26 year old.

 

Does she know your age?

[kckc]

Here's the thing with me, I'm 27 but look 18-19. I got a lot of boys 18-25 messaging me and they have fooled me a few times. I don't date guys younger than me, even a year younger (don't sleep with them either, unless they're more experienced and I can learn something from them). I don't know why but men around 30-35 doesn't approach me that much, they probably think I am that young so they don't want to waste their time. I think I know where OP is coming from.

[LookAtThisPOst]

and I can learn something from them

 

Wait, you only will sleep with a man if there's a benefit from learning from them?

[kckc]

Wait, you only will sleep with a man if there's a benefit from learning from them?

 

Not necessarily. I just like being dominated in bed that's why I am looking for someone who can give me that. I like guys who knows all that tricks in bed and who know what they do. Simple as that.

[CryForNoOne]

Does she know your age?

 

I can't remember. We met in July and talked for about 3 hours and have been flirting since. I showed pics of my daughter within minutes of meeting and she asks about her as a conversation starter. So she knows I'm not "ideal" OLD material ;-) We've been friends on Facebook for 5 months and she likes a lot of my pics so all she had to do is lookup my age. If not, it will come up in conversation naturally. I have nothing to hide.

[kckc]

I can't remember. We met in July and talked for about 3 hours and have been flirting since. I showed pics of my daughter within minutes of meeting and she asks about her as a conversation starter. So she knows I'm not "ideal" OLD material ;-) We've been friends on Facebook for 5 months and she likes a lot of my pics so all she had to do is lookup my age. If not, it will come up in conversation naturally. I have nothing to hide.

 

Don't think I tried to attack you, I was just curious.

 

Why do you think that having a child doesn't make you an ideal "dating" (?) material? I don't think such thing even exists to be honest. And you didn't have to add that "OLD" word! You are old only if you feel old.

[LargoLagg]

It's a complicated situation. I also wonder at times why a man would want to date a woman so much younger.

No doubt it is the stimulating conversation.

[OnlyHonesty]

And what the heck is "perceived age" ????

You are your age. Period. Accept it you are 44... !!! And that many women dont want to date someone 15 years older... and thanks to OLD they get to filter out people on age, height, body type... makes it much easier.... who cares about someone whose "perceived age" is 20 years less than their real age. The real age is a fact... thats all that matters. And all the other women in real life... didn't take informed decision when they agreed to go out with you... poor girls.

 

 

It's pretty obvious what perceived age is. I know a guy that is 40 years old but he looks about 24, and the youngest people have thought he was is around 23 years old. He's been asked to provide proof of his age by showing his driving license, he attracts younger women and he is very active.

 

From what Ive seen, he is always honest about his age but the women only seem to care what age he looks, as opposed to what age he is.

 

You say the real age is a fact and that's all that matters but there he is getting asked out by 20 year olds. I also saw him get asked out by a 31 year old and people accused her of being a cradle snatcher. So as you can see, perceived age does matter!

[eightytwenty]

When I was 21-22 me and a friend started hanging out with her bf and his friends. One guy I could tell liked me.. He was good looking and we all rode motorcycles together. He raced and what not. I rode with him because he seemed like the most mature and balanced.

 

He asked me if we wanted to start dating and I said sure. It never accured to me to ask his age. My friend told me that he was going to tell me something that night and since I like him to think pass that. I though he had a kid or something. Which wouldnt of bothered me. He starts talking and he tells me he's 39. I'm sure my jaw dropped. He asked if his age bothered me. Told him while he doesn't look old BUT he's a few months of age difference from my dad and yes. I consider my dad old and I couldn't see myself with a old man.

One of the first thoughts were he didn't act or look his age. But I don't want a guy that in 20 years hell be retired and social security and not want to go live life with me. I talked to him a couple times on the phone but never went back to hang around him. Thought he was a creep for hanging out with ALL 21 year olds.

[Poe77]

The one I broke up with was 26 when I met her and I was 41. We were together 3 years and have a 2 year old daughter.

 

I feel sorry for that kid with 15 years difference you will be more then likely already be gone or elderly while shes growing up still or a young adult men pass on sooner then women after all ive been there there was a 10 year difference between my mom and dad it wasn't fun to grow up with out a dad why did you think that was even a good idea?

[thecrucible]

I think I look about my age although sometimes people seem surprised I'm actually 27. I try not to read too much into it as they may be being polite. I'm just below average height and have a button nose and small features so that might help me.

[Els]

You also repeatedly quoted the words 'superficial' and 'frivolous' as if attributed to me, but I never used either word once in this thread.

 

Really?

 

my takeaway is that people ONLINE place WAY too much importance on superficial nonsense. They filter by age online (and a ton of other nonsense), which IRL they wouldn't.

 

Fun fact of the day: Memory also declines with biological age.

 

Really though, I disagree that biological age doesn't matter to women IRL. Maybe they'd give you a chance and date you IRL before finding your age out, but when it comes to LTRs or marriage, LOTS of women who don't do OLD would still prefer to be with a man closer to their age. I'm one of them (I've never done OLD, I generally disagree with it). So are most of my friends. Even girls who say they like 'older guys' tend to mean 3-6 years older, not 15.

Edited December 4, 2016 by Elswyth