Going through the wringer-I could use your support and perspectives!

[kel224]

Hey Everyone,

 

This is my first posting, but I've been lurking for awhile and know its a great community.

 

What brings me (28, M) here is being broken up with by my ex (25, F) around 5-6 weeks ago after being together a bit over 3 years. We planned on marrying and all that jazz. We had virtually lived together for 1.5 years, but only officially moved and shared a lease together around 3 months before it ended.

 

---Here's a condensed summary---

She broke up with me for feeling basically like it was a one-sided relationship. Within 2 weeks or less, she was sleeping with someone else in my bed while still keeping in touch with me. Not sure if she left me for him or if its a rebound situation, but she's acted very cold and selfish towards me despite telling me she cares about me. I'm on week 2 of no contact, and hurting a lot. I'm full of so much pain and guilt because I feel like I could have given a lot more to the relationship had I known what I do now. Mind tells me move on, heart wants what it wants and they're still battling. Considering writing short, non-needy letter to clear the air some and leave the door open in case she ever has a change of heart. I love this girl so much and planned on marrying her. Would like some words of wisdom and outside perspective.

 

---More detailed version---

 

Basically, the breakup started when she told me she was unhappy one night. I was a bundle of nerves that night frantically trying to finish a draft of my first publication (we're both PhD students in science) that was already past deadline. So I regretfully didn't really hear what she was saying, and thought she was just in a slump about life in general. I can't help but think that was her breaking point. A week or so later, she started by telling me we needed to take a break. I protested because I feel like breaks are just pre-breakups, and the next night she called for a "clean-breakup". In sum, she felt like the relationship was one-sided and that I wasn't giving enough. And also thought I wasn't going to ever propose. I'd explained previously that I loved her and was on board but wanted to wait until we were more stable financially and career-wise, but I think she was just tired of waiting. There were other issues-my stress from school and resulting hit to my libido was bothering her, and (in my words), I started to take her for granted and was naive about what it took to keep a relationship healthy after a few years together. It was my first real relationship, and I feel like I made some honest rookie mistakes and lost someone very special. I was devastated because I could tell when she was breaking up that she'd built up a lot of resentment towards me, and I had no idea how bad she was feeling until it was too late. She even said she wasn't happy the entire three years. I'm not sure if she really meant that or if it was heat of the moment, but my gosh does my heart after hearing that. I knew I probably wasn't boyfriend of the year, but I always took care of her and never treated her negatively. I told her I loved her regularly and was pretty sweet to her, though I had grown distant for a few weeks while working on a bif paper. I feel like I was always very respectful and loving towards her but wasn't perfect. People around me say I'm being too hard on myself, but I do feel like I could've done a lot more. She also gave me some classic crap like she just needed to be single to figure out who she is, etc. etc. That one was clearly a lie (see below).

 

The breakup was hard, and we flipped hot and cold in the first 1-2 weeks after. But it was overall not a bad breakup. We had tender moments of getting into verbal scuffles, but they ended hugs and some tears. I was staying at my sisters to give my ex room while I found a place to move, and I'd started to accept it all and resolved to become the guy she first met. And to get to a place where I'd be OK no matter if she had a change of heart or not. I knew I had some personal issues that needed tightened up, and welcomed the inevitable growth from all the pain.

 

I then found out some **** that threw me for a tailspin. Just two weeks after the breakup, she was already sleeping with her "good friend". In my bed... When I found out, he was already leaving toiletries there and they were already doing "couple-stuff" together (going out of town on her BDay, he helped her buy and assemble new furniture, bought her gaming equipment, etc.). So I imagine this all started up sooner than 2 weeks after she left me. It was clear that she didn't think I'd find out, but I was able to piece things together. For one, there was a dimple on my side of the bed that no 120-lb girl could make. She had started hanging out with him a few weeks before the breakup to play video games, but I didn't have more than a small and quiet suspicion of anything at the time. Trust wasn't an issue between us. Anyhow, I confronted her the day after finding out about him, and let her know what was on my mind. I didn't yell, and the worst thing I said is that I always respected the hell out of her but lost some of it because of what she did. During the breakup she told me that she thought I was only with her because I didn't want to be alone. Which was kinda offensive, so I pointed out that she wasn't even able to stay single more than a week or two at most. Looked a lot like she left me for him or even had been emotionally or physically cheating. Her defense was that she didn't mean for it to happen ("it just happened"), and that it was just because she was feeling sad about the breakup. She later tried to say that he was only staying over because she was scared to stay in the apartment by herself. Folks, it only I were that naive. There was another bed and a big couch if that's all it was about.

 

We've had limited exchanges since then. She texted me that next night saying she meant everything she said about what happened with him and that still cares about me and I can come to her if I ever need anything. I told her I needed a lot of time to process everything, and for her to take good care of herself. Last I saw her was to return some things of hers I found when unpacking at my new place. She brought him with her in her car... Surely she knew how that would make me feel, and I got the impression that she was either trying to get a reaction or really has no regards for my feelings. And she looked cold as ice. Like a stranger. We only exchanged a brief bit of small talk, and I didn't react to anything in front of her. I had already lost so much sleep and been stressed between the breakup, moving suddenly and several major deadlines all within like 3 weeks that I had bronchitis and could barely even talk anyhow. All while she's apparently off having the time of her life and cohabitating with a new person.

 

It's been a bit over 2 weeks now since the last communication or encounter, even though we work in the same building. Clearly there is a lot of tension and it's turned into a bad breakup. She thinks I hate her, and I have plenty of reason to. I'm not sure what to make of it all, but I do realize she was trying to get through to me to figure things out between us just a few weeks before the breakup. So that means a lot to me. And a mutual friend said she doesn't think they were seeing each other when we were together. This friend also said my ex is really self-absorbed right now and won't hear anything anyone tells her until she comes up for air. I know I shouldn't get caught up in trying to make sense of things, but I wonder if she really was just feeling sad about the breakup and got swept up by the attention this guy started giving her while she was vulnerable. Apparently she didn't feel like I was giving her enough, so I could see that. Maybe its just a case of the dumper hopping into a rebound to mask the emotions. Still seems very selfish of her.

 

Logically, I feel like I've lost someone very special forever and just have to lick my wounds and suck it up. But my heart loves this girl so much, and I feel like I would be able to give her a lot more now that I've had time to understand why she felt the way she did. This was my first real relationship, and I know I made honest screw-ups. I feel so ****ing guilty, like I let us both down. And that's really heavy.

 

One thing I'm struggling with is leaving on such a sour note. I think it's obvious that a second chance isn't in the cards right now. But I'm really tempted to write her a brief message that I realize where I went wrong and still care about her a lot and wish her well. I guess I'd like to clear the air and leave the door open if she ever wants to talk and see how things feel. I have no idea if she's dating this guy for real yet, so I'm not going to ask her for another chance. But at the same time, it's like she already feels like I didn't care for her so I don't want to reinforce that.

 

If anyone has a similar experiences or otherwise can give me some advice on how best to cope, that would a lot. I've written her so many little letters that I haven't sent. But I am very tempted to send one to try and at least leave this on better terms with someone I care so deeply about.

Edited December 2, 2016 by kel224

[BAcK]

Sad for you bro.

So far you have dealt with it very well. Hats off.

Now coming to your story, it seems like she was cheating on you. She broke up with you for another guy. So, there is nothing you could have done about it.

Maybe you did not give her enough time but this does not justify her actions.

 

She had the audacity to bring that guy with her without giving a damn about your feelings. This should be the turning point whereby you should accept that this girl is no good to you.

You still love her obviously but that does not mean you should try to win her back. It will be difficult to move on but this is the best and only solution.

You should not contact her or send her any of those letters. Keep your dignity. Do not fight for someone who does not care about you. It's not worth the effort.

You should now concentrate on yourself. Work on yourself, achieve your goals and enjoy your single life. Believe it or not, everything happens for a reason. Find that reason.

[BluesPower]

Yes, so sorry...

 

She was cheating on you for a while, who knows how long. Whatever you did right or wrong really does not matter.

 

It is not or will it ever be your fault for her cheating and breaking up, it is all on her in every way.

 

If she was unhappy she could of had the balls to talk to you but she did not. She is a cheater, bottom line.

 

Actually you really should be glad that she broke up with you. You kind of dodged a bullet. How much worse would it have been if you were married with a kid and she did this.

 

You need to treat her like you don't even know her name. NC all the way.

 

Just ghost her. And when this relationship burns out and the comes back sniffing around to see if you will take her back. Ignore her.

 

I mean if you wanted to you could bang her and then ignore her if you are strong enough to do that.

 

Just heal and pick better next time and be glad that you found out now.

[VeveCakes]

I think she was cheating too. Thats why she wanted a break initially, so she could test out the other guy and still have you in her back pocket in case it didn't work out.

 

The man was in your bed and apparently spending a lot of time with her. That doesn't happen over night and if it did than your ex gf is not making smart choices and just jumping into something way too fast.

 

Do not write the letter.

 

She will probably come back to you but it will be after this relationship fails.

 

Do you want to be the second choice?

[kel224]

Thanks for your responses.

 

I don't think she physically cheated (maybe emotionally), but pretty sure she used me as a safety net for a few weeks until she had him lined up and hooked. Maybe 2 months before the breakup, she suggested I hang out and play music with this guy (we're both musicians) which suggests it wasn't until recently that this all started. Glad I didn't befriend him. She was also trying to talk to me about saving our relationship until like two weeks before the breakup, so that's where I feel the worst about not doing more. It's clear what my mistakes were. I reckon that's good for my growth, not much I can do about it now.

 

Regardless, everything she's done since has been pretty messed up. It's hard to accept someone I trusted so much could do that and not even show remorse. Honestly, I know you're all right that I just gotta let it go and move on. I'd love for her to at least acknowledge that she acted pretty ****ty about things, and it would be awesome if she tried to come back if her new dude doesn't work out. I do feel like she's moved into something way too quickly, and hopefully it will catch up to her one day. I'm trying my best to not get my hopes up about even hearing from her again, they might get married for all I know.

 

As for whether or not I'd get back with her, I guess I'll figure that out if that day ever comes. @ Bluespower, I love your suggestion of hooking up with her then dropping her haha. That would be karmic.

[BluesPower]

Brother, I can hear how young you are, so I am going to lay this on you straight.

 

It does you no good to be in denial about you ex cheating on you. Honestly, she has been screwing this guy for a couple of months.

 

I know that you are saying, no way man, not my girl. Yes way, with out a doubt.

 

First thing you need to realize in life is that not everyone in the world is an honest person with integrity. Women can do this type of stuff just like men can. No one is perfect.

 

But honestly, you need to let go of some of the naïveté that you have going on.

 

After this, you may need to grow up a little bit. This situation could help with that if you let it.

 

And hey look, if you are going to be a real musician, and I have been one for wow, a long time, first rule of the music business is trust no one unless they have their cash in their hand.

 

Man also, her cheating had nothing to do with you, it was about her.

 

You are way better off.

[Been]

I agree with what everybody told you-she's been cheating on you for awhile.

And things don't just happen-you make a choice.

She was setting the table-telling you how you took her for granted,the relationship was one sided etc all the while seeing this guy. In her mind she was justifying her actions.

It's hard but you have to ghost her.

[Satu]

Nothing of value was lost.

[Sweetfish]

I read your post and I want you to know, do not blame your self for the actions that took place and would like to point somethings out for you.

 

Basically, the breakup started when she told me she was unhappy one night. I was a bundle of nerves that night frantically trying to finish a draft of my first publication (we're both PhD students in science) that was already past deadline. So I regretfully didn't really hear what she was saying, and thought she was just in a slump about life in general. I can't help but think that was her breaking point. A week or so later, she started by telling me we needed to take a break. I protested because I feel like breaks are just pre-breakups, and the next night she called for a "clean-breakup".

 

Right off the bat, you blame your self and shamed your self for not serving to her needs at that very moment. At the same forefront you should understand that she knew you were FRANTICALLY involved in an assignment. So your needs were never a priority as well.

 

Even if at that very point in time (that you call the breaking point) would have talked to her when she said, "she was unhappy." Nothing you could have done or said would have repaired the scenario that lies ahead.

 

In sum, she felt like the relationship was one-sided and that I wasn't giving enough. And also thought I wasn't going to ever propose. I'd explained previously that I loved her and was on board but wanted to wait until we were more stable financially and career-wise, but I think she was just tired of waiting. There were other issues-my stress from school and resulting hit to my libido was bothering her, and (in my words), I started to take her for granted and was naive about what it took to keep a relationship healthy after a few years together. It was my first real relationship, and I feel like I made some honest rookie mistakes and lost someone very special. I was devastated because I could tell when she was breaking up that she'd built up a lot of resentment towards me, and I had no idea how bad she was feeling until it was too late. She even said she wasn't happy the entire three years.

 

Did you take her for granted? My car for example - I don't change the oil every 3000 miles or wash it every week, however when my car has problems it gives me a clue. I fix them. If I have a very busy week or month I may not stop at the premier gas stations and get the no-name brand gas or I may not get the timing belt changed at 70000 miles. Its not that I don't love my car, its that the job, life, and school prevents me from being 100% vested in all 3 important aspect.

 

Like different cars...every woman is different and require different maintenance. You might be able to run a Honda into the ground with little maintenance and a Mercedes will break down if you forget to say a morning prayer before turning the key.

 

Unlike automobiles. Many young women monitor the actions you do daily and will not give you "clues" or "check engine" lights that something is transpiring. There is no funny whirling sounds under her chassis warning you she is about to break down and check out.

 

This is simply because many women (not all) feel that men are suppose to come as a per-order package. That "the one" will simply walk into her life knowing every "maintenance interval" every "oil change" because the perfect man is suppose to just "know" and as they monitor you, they tick off things that they don't feel belong in the package and build resentment overtime.

 

She said she wasn't happy for 3 years. You need to ask your self a question. What utility were you providing that she forced her self to stay in prison for 3 years?

[Sweetfish]

I found a place to move, and I'd started to accept it all and resolved to become the guy she first met. And to get to a place where I'd be OK no matter if she had a change of heart or not. I knew I had some personal issues that needed tightened up, and welcomed the inevitable growth from all the pain.

 

You have a lease and moved out? Is this a year lease and are you still paying?

Are you the one who put forth all the effort into making this lease happen?

 

So why are you moving out? So they can have sex in the bed you both laid in? I don't think you came to the conclusion that your should be PISSED.

 

Logically, I feel like I've lost someone very special forever and just have to lick my wounds and suck it up. But my heart loves this girl so much, and I feel like I would be able to give her a lot more now that I've had time to understand why she felt the way she did.

 

So let me get this straight?

 

In away you have placed her as the victims in this story. You can't have two victims, so who are you?

 

You feel like you could give her a lot more? More what?

I've seen guys buy their wives a car, house, take care of the kids, mow and cut the yard, clean the house and still have the "dimple" as you call it in their bed.

 

This girl you love... plain and simple... Sucks and has no empathy for you. Probably less than a stranger on the street and your giving her a free pass for her behavior

[Pete2304]

I was going to have a rant about how none of the people who have replied could have any idea whether or not she was cheating and how people shouldn't be so quick to judge. Then I read the thread from the top again, then a third time. Don't need to say anymore, that hasn't already been said sadly about whether or not she has been unfaithful for a while.

 

She probably will come back, when the novelty wears off, when she's got the excitement of a new relationship out of her system. You'll probably take her back if she does. Doesn't matter what anyone here says, you will do it anyway. But I won't feel right. Your heart will no doubt be broken again. Write the letter if you want, it probably won't work but if you pull on the right heart strings, she might come back to you the first time they have a row or she starts wondering if the grass is greener but that relationship you had is gone.

 

I've always been an advocate on here of relationships not having to be over after a split or a mistake but depending on the circumstances. For the record I've never cheated but forgiving a drunken one night stand is a whole lot different to forgiving a girl who has hurt you like this. She's gone mate, she will be back but she's gone.

[kel224]

Sweetfish, thanks for the car analogy haha. I do realize I've been too hard on myself.

 

Ragarding the lease situation, I moved out after we broke up and decided she could keep the apartment. I started staying at my sister's because I just didn't want to be around her after breaking up (didn't know about New Guy for a couple of weeks), and I didn't want to stay in an apartment full of memories. I didn't pay rent for the time I stopped sleeping there, we signed the lease over to her. And once I found out what she was up to, I was absolutely pissed. I told her that I was glad I didn't marry her because I knew she'd pull the same ****. So I at least walked away making sure she knew she couldn't get away with ****ting on me.

 

I once went through a nasty breakup where I was the girl's rebound, and I made all the mistakes. This time I can at least say I walked away with my self-respect. Let her know I cared about her (before finding out what she was up to), but never begged or said anything I really regret. And certainly let her know she lost my respect. As you can tell from my post though, I still have a some emotions to work through. Hearing from you all is helping.

[kel224]

Pete, I'm on board with some things you're saying. After talking with one of her good friends, it really seems like she didn't sleep with him when we were together. We both think she just couldn't breakup with me until she felt like she had someone else to jump onto. Or she cut things off with me so that she could get physical with him.

 

I still consider what she did cheating, because she must've been feeling some emotions for him when we together. I'm also open to what Blues and others are saying, and I can't be certain what she did. I guess it's all a moot point to stew over now.

[Satu]

When I said, "Nothing of value was lost" I was entirely serious, because as she stands, she adds no value to your life. None.

 

At one time she did, but not now or in the future.

 

Shrink her down to her real value, which currently = Zero.

 

 

Take care.

[Pete2304]

Pete, I'm on board with some things you're saying. After talking with one of her good friends, it really seems like she didn't sleep with him when we were together. We both think she just couldn't breakup with me until she felt like she had someone else to jump onto. Or she cut things off with me so that she could get physical with him.

 

I still consider what she did cheating, because she must've been feeling some emotions for him when we together. I'm also open to what Blues and others are saying, and I can't be certain what she did. I guess it's all a moot point to stew over now.

 

Well I'm glad to hear she didn't. Take solace in that and at least you can have some good memories of the relationship knowing she didn't sleep with him while you were together but I honestly don't think you are going to get her back and you know that too deep down. It's so difficult online to have an opinion on someone's character, especially after only a couple of posts but I'm pretty confident that I'm right in thinking you are a decent bloke and I'm sorry all this has happened to you.

[HeartBroken22]

It sucks what you have experienced/currently going through.

 

I started a thread a week or so back and can see some similarities in what you're experiencing. Similar in the sense that in hindsight there were some signs of discontent prebreakup and within 2weeks post breakup I had discovered a new guy in the picture.

 

Like yourself for the first few weeks I was distraught of the thought of losing her not for once considering the pain it caused me but rather focusing on her feelings and where things could have been different. It took a few weeks of advice from friends/family/forums and some deep reflection for me to suddenly realise and come to terms with the fact that she was and never would be the person I once knew. That I could never forgive her actions. And that I could never take her back. I can imagine you feel lots of different emotions right now, I felt anxiety (about being alone), fear, reminiscing about her literally non stop for around 4 or 5 weeks. Then suddenly it just disappeared once I came to my realisation, I rediscovered my dignity and self respect and realised that she didn't deserve me. I'm better off without her.

 

Have faith and know that as hard as it may seem, you will see sooner or later that you are better off leaving this situation behind you and in the past.

Edited December 11, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[kel224]

Thanks, heartbroken. I checked out your thread and know exactly what you've been going through. I'm glad to hear you're doing better.

 

I'm around 6-7 weeks post-breakup and finally seeing the situation for what it is. At this point, I'm not even sure where the lies started. But I can certainly see that the writing on the wall was there for at least a month. No idea why someone can be all excited about moving into a new apartment with me and showing me engagement rings, then do this 3 months later. I still miss who she was when the relation**** was at its best. I'm starting to realize that the companionship is one of the biggest things I miss. It really does feel like a rug was pulled out from under me, and I'm sure it did for you too after 7 years. I reckon that means all the broken pieces will snap back into place and we'll be better people for it.

 

Today, I actually passed within a few feet of her as I was walking into work while she was leaving. Didn't even look her way. It felt great to feel in control again.

 

I've seen a lot of threads talking about "monkey branching", which seems to be what our ex's did with us. As one person put it, someone that can behave that way just has a different heart than mine. I'd never be able to do something like this. I don't see how it could be healthy to not take time and mourn the relationship, even if you're the dumper and have been planning for a while.

[dumbass2]

You're handling things great. Just keep away from contact. Just to add to what another poster said about a letter. Please please do not even think any more about doing that. I did it and it was the one thing I regret post break up. Write stuff down on the computer if needed and stash away. When you look at it months down the road you'll probably laugh at yourself and thank your lucky stars you never sent it.

 

Glad you had some good times. I did too with my ex and that is how I now look at it. A good time. Good memories. I choose not to remember any negative stuff any more, but I did keep that stuff in the forefront while I was getting over her. She did contact me after 3 months NC, but it wasn't the same because my feelings were different and I kinda of resented her. Was a waste of time. Now over 1-1/2 years and no thought of contacting her. I'll bet that yours contacts you again and I hope you'll be in a place where you can ignore. I wish I had, but you don't get over things in only a few months.

[kel224]

Thanks DA, I'm still tempted at times to contact her but don't want to ruin the weeks I've already put in. I've actually been writing lots of letters on my phone and computer, and go through about once every couple of weeks to delete them. Kinda nice to see the change in my thought process, especially when I realize how desperate I sounded in the earlier letters. I've also realized that any combination of words I could put together would come across to her as having ulterior motives (which they would).

 

I also still have big waves of regret for mistakes I made, but then I remind myself this was my first serious long-term relationship and certainly had a lot to learn about relationships. I have a feeling we'll be in touch at some point, starting to accept it most likely wont be not for reconciling. The heart still clings to slivers of hope for more than breadcrumbs, but my brain knows better at least. The brain is slowly winning.