ettienne Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 Long story short, the woman I am with and have been very close with over the last 12 years, is a woman that my family does not approve of. Mainly for cultural/race reasons. We met when she was 16 and I was 22. We were in the same hospital being treated for very similar, yet very different, conditions. We were both being treated for PTSD and receiving physiotherapy, our physio was at the same time and we had a PTSD group meeting at the same time. When we first met there was no romantic involvement, she was just a kid who was going through the hardest time of her life. We got really close, as friends, and stayed that way for 4 years. We realized that we were leaning on each other too much and sort of creating this bubble. We mutually decided to stop seeing each other for a while so we could find our own feet. 2 years later we started seeing each other again. She was 22, I was 28. We slowly started getting more involved with each other. It was a natural progression from friends to lovers. We have been together, as a couple, for 5 years now. She is 28, I'm 34. I want to ask her to marry me, and I know that she wants it as well. We've talked about it and it's something that we both want. She is the love of my life. She is a bit insecure and thinks I haven't asked her because I don't want to, it has been a long time. The main concern is my family, and how big of a deal it really is in the grand scheme of things. I love my family, I'm close with them and I don't want to shut them out of my life. My girlfriend on the other hand, has no family. She is completely on her own. I hoped that my family would welcome her into the family and not shut her out. She wants family, it's something she has never really had. My families main issues are cultural. I'm black, she's white. It shouldn't matter in this day but it does. No one in my family has married "white". My family immigrated when I was an infant. They see her as a white girl with no culture or background. They think she will "suck the culture out of me". If we have kids, they will be raised without culture, etc. They aren't rude to her, but don't like her. She knows it, I know it. She wants them to like her. They are also still caught up on the age difference. At 28 and 34, it doesn't matter at all. They still see her as the 16 year old girl that I was only suppose to help and support, not fall in love with. They think she is going to change her mind on the marriage because of her age. The last thing that they dislike is that she has PTSD and the situation that caused it. In their eyes, I should marry someone "healthy" even though I also have PTSD and my own set of difficulties. They still see her as the traumatized 16 year old girl that they first met. They also think it's unhealthy for two "unhealthy" people to be together. So their opinion on not liking her is based on culture and thinking she isn't good enough for me. Is this something that should be ignored or taken seriously as a deal breaker? Do families ever come around? I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want to put her into a vile situation.
basil67 Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 I'm glad that you're 34, it means that you should have the strength to make some tough decisions here. If your parents concerns were about her behaviours and how she treats you, then you'd be very wise to listen. I assume there are no issues with her being jealous or controlling or having a really bad temper etc? So this would leave culture as the only problem. And this is one where you can and should stand up to your parents. Tell your parents that while you understand their concerns (even if you don't understand, just pretend that you do), you love this woman and intend to marry her. If your parents create a vile situation, you MUST remove both you and her from it. They need to know that you will not tolerate anything less than respect and kindness from them to her. Yes, it could potentially create a significant rift in your family. However, this may well be the price to pay for being with the woman you love. Do you love her enough?
Author ettienne Posted December 2, 2016 Author Posted December 2, 2016 I have always been adamant that my family doesn't treat her poorly. They are rude to her in more subtle ways, which still bothers her. They tend to ignore her, like she's not there. Sometimes they will talk in their native language because she cannot understand most of it. They don't make her feel welcome or included, just pushed to the side. When she is not around I get told that I'm ruining the bloodline (no one has married another race in our family), not to do this to our family, I'm bringing shame to the family, if we have kids they will be teased and misunderstood, our kids will be confused because they have no culture or identity, marrying her would be a disgrace to the family name, she can't have our last name. She's amazing. She has never been jealous or controlling. She's honest and caring, always has been. She'll do anything for anyone and spends a lot of her time volunteering. The only thing I could pick out as a negative are her insecurities, but we all have them. Before we got romantically involved, my family liked her as a person. They had no problems with her. It was when we a romantic relationship started that they flip flopped. They like her, they don't like her for me or our family. Another issue with my parents is that they don't like her because of something that happened to her and cultural beliefs make them think she's damaged, worthless and not good enough for me. I have told my family countless times that I love this woman and I want to spend the rest of my life with her. They think I am being brain washed by media to think interracial marriages are okay, and that I'm just fulfilling a "white girl" fantasy and the marriage would never survive. They have said they will never support the marriage and we wouldn't be welcome in their home. They said the same when I started seeing her, and that didn't hold up. I feel like it should be an easy choice, but it's not. I want to spend my life with her. As difficult as my family can be, I don't want to completely sever that relationship. That would leave us both with no families.
VeveCakes Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Have you pulled your family aside and had a serious talk with them? I mean, set up a date and time and say I want to have a serious talk with you about my future. Meet with them and calmly but firmly explain that you are planning on asking her to marry you and how important it is for them to accept it. That she is your family now and you want to all be involved together. It is their choice whether they want to grow and accept her but if this will show them how serious you are and how important their support is to you. It is very hard to find true love nowadays, I wouldn't pass it up over a judgmental family personally. 1
mikeylo Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Inter racial marriages are common and acceptable and no, they are not media brainwashed ! You both have come a long way and seen each other at your worst and best. Its not easy to find someone you click with these days. Most parents do come around. She is nice to them and hasnt done anything to them except love their son! If you do end up not marrying her and rather someone of your race, but you are not happy, will your parents be happy? Marry her. Parents will come around. 1
Mr. Lucky Posted December 2, 2016 Posted December 2, 2016 Marry her. Parents will come around. And grandkids will seal the deal. I've seen some pretty cold standoffs between in-laws and spouses, all of which have thawed with the arrival of the next generation of children. Babies are kryptonite to grandparents, they're powerless before them. OP, live your life and make your choices. In this great country, your extended family is free to do the same... Mr. Lucky
Quiet Storm Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 I'm white and have been with a black guy for over 25 years. This is just your first obstacle. For my husband and I, the adversity made us stronger. There comes a time when it's about you & her, and their approval is irrelevant. If they're going to let your choice in a wife affect your relationship with them, then that's their loss. That's the way you have to look at it. They may have your best interests at heart, but they have to get over it. Be patient, though. With time, things could change. People evolve. If not, grandbabies have a way of bringing people together 1
Redhead14 Posted December 3, 2016 Posted December 3, 2016 Long story short, the woman I am with and have been very close with over the last 12 years, is a woman that my family does not approve of. Mainly for cultural/race reasons. We met when she was 16 and I was 22. We were in the same hospital being treated for very similar, yet very different, conditions. We were both being treated for PTSD and receiving physiotherapy, our physio was at the same time and we had a PTSD group meeting at the same time. When we first met there was no romantic involvement, she was just a kid who was going through the hardest time of her life. We got really close, as friends, and stayed that way for 4 years. We realized that we were leaning on each other too much and sort of creating this bubble. We mutually decided to stop seeing each other for a while so we could find our own feet. 2 years later we started seeing each other again. She was 22, I was 28. We slowly started getting more involved with each other. It was a natural progression from friends to lovers. We have been together, as a couple, for 5 years now. She is 28, I'm 34. I want to ask her to marry me, and I know that she wants it as well. We've talked about it and it's something that we both want. She is the love of my life. She is a bit insecure and thinks I haven't asked her because I don't want to, it has been a long time. The main concern is my family, and how big of a deal it really is in the grand scheme of things. I love my family, I'm close with them and I don't want to shut them out of my life. My girlfriend on the other hand, has no family. She is completely on her own. I hoped that my family would welcome her into the family and not shut her out. She wants family, it's something she has never really had. My families main issues are cultural. I'm black, she's white. It shouldn't matter in this day but it does. No one in my family has married "white". My family immigrated when I was an infant. They see her as a white girl with no culture or background. They think she will "suck the culture out of me". If we have kids, they will be raised without culture, etc. They aren't rude to her, but don't like her. She knows it, I know it. She wants them to like her. They are also still caught up on the age difference. At 28 and 34, it doesn't matter at all. They still see her as the 16 year old girl that I was only suppose to help and support, not fall in love with. They think she is going to change her mind on the marriage because of her age. The last thing that they dislike is that she has PTSD and the situation that caused it. In their eyes, I should marry someone "healthy" even though I also have PTSD and my own set of difficulties. They still see her as the traumatized 16 year old girl that they first met. They also think it's unhealthy for two "unhealthy" people to be together. So their opinion on not liking her is based on culture and thinking she isn't good enough for me. Is this something that should be ignored or taken seriously as a deal breaker? Do families ever come around? I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her, but I don't want to put her into a vile situation. She needs to make that decision and come from a place of acceptance and peace with her own mental and emotional strife. However, I think your parents aren't seeing her as the 16 year old "unhealthy" girl. They only see YOU as a young man struggling with PTSD and understand that the neither of you is able to rise above the cultural, race differences on top of the emotional difficulties you both have. They are dealing with their son and that's the way it should be. Whatever has caused you both to have PTSD, is a deep wound and as sad as it is to hear, 12 years is a drop in the bucket in terms of recovery. You both owe it to yourselves to deal with those things with resolve and focus. Trust me, whatever has caused the PTSD, has stunted you both emotionally. You are more or less stuck, emotionally , at the age you were when the trauma occurred. You both need to reconcile yourselves to the trauma and learn to be individuals before you can accept and embrace the responsibilities of a marriage. You two are bonded by trauma. It's easy to fall "in love" with someone who "understands". But, there is so much more involved. Work on YOU. You will know when you are "strong" enough for marriage, when you can accept and stand up for yourself against your parents. By now, you should be able to say 'I love you both, but I am an adult. You can support me and the relationships I have or not. But, I will always be your son."
miltie1916 Posted December 8, 2016 Posted December 8, 2016 While it was wise of you both to heed your parents wishes as teenager and young adult, respectively, now that you are both over 30 you are free to make your own decision regarding a life partner. However, be aware that when one marries one tends to "marry" the other person's entire family. Given that you both have PTSD and these family issues, I would suggest premarital counseling by a professional.
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