Is polyamory an evolved way of being?

[Miss Peach]

I think it's mainly just fear and loathing, not unlike used to be really common w homosexuals. When a thing like that is in its infancy, ppl tend to lash out in an attempt to correct what they see as an attack on and a threat to the social order -i.e. their way of life is perceived as being in jeopardy and they'll do w/e it takes to defend it. Including these tremendously insulting blanket generalizations and condemnations (and god knows what else if the circumstances are right). smh :/

 

You're totally right. But I am still surprised people get so riled up over decisions other people make that have nothing to do with them.

 

Why can't he take both? Assuming there won't be any PDA's, there is no reason he can't bring both his wife and "their close friend". Sure, a few people may speculate, but he could always pass it off as "Well, she is single and dear to us, so we brought her along to the party for some holiday cheer."

 

If it's about not being able to acknowledge their relationship openly for fear of damaging his reputation and career....well, yeah, he's right not to bring her. She'd just end up hurt watching him be publicly affectionate and "with" his wife but unable to acknowledge her and their connection.

 

In this guy's case, his office only allows a +1. That's why one has to stay home. He told me he would have loved to bring me too so we could all party together.

 

Watching isn't an issue. Both women live with him. Totally no hurt feelings there. His wife actually thinks I'm hot and thinks I would be good for him. His GF was sending me suggestive pics. They are not possessive about him at all. Everyone is OK with the arrangement. (And for those who follow my threads.... yes my new guy knows all this).

 

He just likes to rant to me about the lack of open mindedness.

Edited December 6, 2016 by Miss Peach

[wmacbride]

I think it's mainly just fear and loathing, not unlike used to be really common w homosexuals. When a thing like that is in its infancy, ppl tend to lash out in an attempt to correct what they see as an attack on and a threat to the social order -i.e. their way of life is perceived as being in jeopardy and they'll do w/e it takes to defend it. Including these tremendously insulting blanket generalizations and condemnations (and god knows what else if the circumstances are right). smh :/

 

What I think bothers people isn't so much being poly, but it;s more how it's used as an excuse for hurting people.

 

Example; Someone feels that being with more than one person is what's most comfortable for them. they are upfront about this with potential relationship partners, and don't make promises they know they can't keep.

 

I don't see any problem with that. Honesty is so important.

 

example 2: someone is married for some time, and finds themselves attracted to a lot of other people and doesn't t think they will be able to stop themselves from acting on it. they talk about this with their spouse, and they handle it in whatever way they feel is best. ( honesty)

 

exmaple2: Someone gets married, is happy, and then meets someone at work.They start an affair. All of a sudden, the ws is poly amorous, and uses this as an excuse for the A. ( dishonest )

 

example 3- someone knows they are not capable of monogamy, but chooses to get married anyway, and doesn't tell their spouse about their feelings. ( dishonest)

[jen1447]

^ Maybe so, but we could point to the same incidence and variety of dishonesty in monogamous relationships. And yet you see these outbursts like here in a thread that isn't even soliciting opinions about polyamory in general, just opinions about whether some random guy has merit in saying it's better.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I don't have any experience, nor interest in, poly relationships. Personally, poly sounds stressful to me, even taking jealousy out of the picture. I don't do well with juggling multiple tasks and would rather focus - and have the attention of- one person.

 

For people in poly relationships who are sharing their partner with others- how does the poly aspect enhance your relationship? In other words, are you in a poly relationship because you value your freedom, or do you see inherent benefits in sharing your partner? If you could have a relationship that was open only on one end (yours) would that be preferable?

 

I try not to be judgemental, but I will admit, when I hear "poly" I assume either the parties want to keep their options open (totally fine if everyone is honest, imo, tho I'm not clear on the difference between poly and an open/ non-monogamous relationship) or one of the partners is settling for something over nothing.

 

I'm not sure where the "more enlightened" thing is coming from. Different strokes for different folks...

[DrReplyInRhymes]

As someone once posted, in a thread long before this one,

Being poly with consent is intended, and can definitely be fun,

Being uninformed (without the knowledge) and then sleeping around,

Isn't being poly at all, it's called cheating, and devastating effects profound.

[wmacbride]

^ Maybe so, but we could point to the same incidence and variety of dishonesty in monogamous relationships. And yet you see these outbursts like here in a thread that isn't even soliciting opinions about polyamory in general, just opinions about whether some random guy has merit in saying it's better.

 

the point I was making is that it doesn't have to be a bad thing, so long as all parties are aware and give their consent.

 

bringing monogamous relationships into the conversation is off topic:)

[Gloria25]

I think it's mainly just fear and loathing, not unlike used to be really common w homosexuals. When a thing like that is in its infancy, ppl tend to lash out in an attempt to correct what they see as an attack on and a threat to the social order -i.e. their way of life is perceived as being in jeopardy and they'll do w/e it takes to defend it. Including these tremendously insulting blanket generalizations and condemnations (and god knows what else if the circumstances are right). smh :/

 

Yes, I am such a fearmonger that I'm ignorant on how the poly lifestyle is going to take our civilization to a higher level of than monogomy - which is a cruel and oppressive practice that's been destroying our civilization for years.

 

So, please educate me on how removing monogomy and replacing it with poly (or allowing) poly to become more practiced than monogomy - will benefit us morally, physically, spiritually, and/or healthwise.

[Gloria25]

I believe the mid-life crisis to be an entirely different animal to the 7 year itch. Sure, the cliche mid-life crisis can often end up with infidelity as well, but its not the main thing going on.

 

I'm also unsure if the 7 year itch, as I understand it anyway, has to do with pent up unresolved emotion or anger. Generally the 7 year itch presents as infidelity in an otherwise mostly fine relationship.

 

Who knows where the causal link is? Maybe there isn't one?

 

Both 7yr itch anf mid-life crisis involve deepsixing the person you've been with for someone else when maybe, just maybe you'd have no need to deepsix them if you both didn't stop being each other's gf/bf (like the day you first met). But no, problem is, we cannot be monogamous...always gotta be on the prowl for strange.

[Gloria25]

I've have more experience with monogamy but I've done a bit of both. I see both have different advantages and disadvantages. There are also some areas in the gray like monogamish which is where I tend to go. I know people in both lifestyles IRL.

 

I see how someone can't meet all of someone's needs. People tend to get different needs met by different people. I get that. But for me the splitting of time and attention is what I personally have trouble dealing with in poly.

 

The thing I can't understand is the poly backlash. I've noticed when people post for advice about poly, they get people attacking poly or getting swayed by strange details that have nothing to do with the problem.

 

I'm really surprised at how defensive a lot of people get when someone is poly. I found more backlash against that personally by most people than about me being bi-sexual and talking about women.

 

I was just talking about this yesterday with someone. He is in a triad and wants to take his wife and his live-in GF to his company Christmas party and feels it's unfair one needs to stay at home.

 

In life, when we take one path, we gain some and we lose some. Same goes with picking a mate. Just cuz none of us will find anyone who meets our needs 100% gives us the right to sleep around and be a cheater, but try to dignify it by slapping a cute thing like "poly" on it.

 

Look, to each their own. I have been in relationships with men who are involved, but I'm not gonna sit here and act like it's a lifestyle that's ideal.

 

Like I said, some religions and/or cultures allow a man (not a woman) to have more than one "wife", but when I hear these "poly" stories, I don't see people - especially women - being treated with the same level of respect certain religions/cultures that do allow for a man to have one wife. And no, I'm not talking about those creepy cults where one guy is having sex with alll the women - regardless if the women are minors, married, etc.

[Lorenza]

It's nothing new though. Still a common practice in some Arabic countries. In the past, noble men kept several misstresses and it wasn't even scandalous. But since when is it considered spiritual? Polyamory has always been about satisfying carnal needs and in most cases in history - specifically for men.

 

If it's so good and natural for us to have multiple partners at the same time, why have we even developed jealousy? Where did the need for monogamy even come from? It seems to be an evolutionary product, since people noticed that it's much easier, safer and better for us as a specie, if we keep monogamous relationships.

 

Personally, I'd rather stay single for the rest of my life, than be in a poly relationship. For me, having intercourse with multiple people at a time is animalistic. Don't want to insult anyone, but that's just my opinion.

[Taramere]

I was just talking about this yesterday with someone. He is in a triad and wants to take his wife and his live-in GF to his company Christmas party and feels it's unfair one needs to stay at home.

 

Why is it unfair? Usually company Christmas parties involve some expenditure by the company. It wouldn't be realistic to expect them to fork out for extra marital partners as well as spouses.

 

What it does mean, of course, is that he has to pick who he takes. Wife or girlfriend. Which sends out a message of him preferring one to the other. And that's the problem. We don't love people equally. Take two people who are important to you, and there's always going to be one you love more than the other. So the guy who has both a wife and a live in girlfriend (is he separated from his wife, or does the girlfriend live with both of them?) loves one of them more. And there will be times when the one who is loved is given little reminders of this - no matter how hard everybody tries to be civilised, fair minded etc.

 

And being the one who is loved less, in a set up like that....that's got to hurt like hell, surely. The triad set up is no doubt great for the person who has two partners, tolerable for the partner who is loved more...but the third wheel who is loved that bit less? Seems to me that they'd need to be something more than simply broadminded to tolerate that set-up. Wouldn't there need to be a bit of low self esteem involved for them to tolerate being second best in the eyes of the person they were prioritising? Or do they just make sure that they've got somebody else on the go too, so that they're not investing too much emotionally in a person who's only partially invested in them?

Edited December 6, 2016 by Taramere

[Mumbles]

If it's so good and natural for us to have multiple partners at the same time, why have we even developed jealousy? Where did the need for monogamy even come from? It seems to be an evolutionary product, since people noticed that it's much easier, safer and better for us as a specie, if we keep monogamous relationships.

 

Personally, I think its come directly from procreation. The seemingly inherent need most of us have to project -our- DNA into the future is extremely powerful and its personal ... at least for large chunks of our history ... and certainly nowadays.

 

To this extent then, almost certainly, the best way to not only create progeny, but to help ensure their survival, is for the two people who's DNA is involved pool resources.

 

If we were more tribally focused, or even whole-of-species- focused, then it wouldn't matter much to us where the children come from, they're plainly human and we'd collectively care for them with just as much passion as parents do today.

[Mumbles]

Both 7yr itch anf mid-life crisis involve deepsixing the person you've been with for someone else when maybe, just maybe you'd have no need to deepsix them if you both didn't stop being each other's gf/bf (like the day you first met). But no, problem is, we cannot be monogamous...always gotta be on the prowl for strange.

 

I think that the co-called 7 year itch is a deep rooted biological throwback. Whilst very often we see the itch and mid life crisis happening together I really don't think they are the same thing.

 

The mid life crisis is a cerebral thing that involves a reevaluation of ones life - there are usually social promises or life expectations involved here and an almost overwhelming feeling of having been let down by the 'system' (society)

 

I'd be really interested in any studies that might have been done on both the phenomena of the 7 year itch -and- mid life crises in those societies that do allow, either covertly or overtly poly arrangements. I wonder how these things respond in such scenarios? Are they inherent and happen anyway?

[Taramere]

In other words, people stop working on their relationships and it builds up to a boiling point - aka the "7 year itch" and/or the "mid-life crisis".

 

I've had a few friends who were in relationships like this...and of course, I've met guys who like to "juggle plates" as they say in PUA circles. In most cases, the guy was basically having his cake and eating it...and the woman was tolerating a situation that didn't make her happy. The only times I've seen it being moderately effective, the woman wasn't particularly invested emotionally in the man but was sufficiently attracted, physically, to have him around as a f*ck buddy.

 

It seems as though it's almost like BDSM in that there are some people who are almost like professional practitioners in the art in terms of having all sorts of rules, boundaries, ethics that they mull over etc. In those cases, I should think polyamorous relationships are probably more taxing than a full time job. But nobody can say they aren't at least trying very hard to do right by their partner(s).

 

Then there are maybe "tourists" who fancy the idea of BDSM or polyamorous relationship, pay lip service to the idea of trying to do it in some sort of a responsible way that "leaves partners better than you found them" - but who aren't really going to lose any sleep if they end up leaving partners worse than they found them.

 

I also agree with you that potentially it gives people a reason to stop working on relationships. Or perhaps in some cases, to stay in bad marriages because they're almost self-medicating with extra marital relationships that stop them feeling the need to address the problems in the marriage.

[Els]

In this guy's case, his office only allows a +1. That's why one has to stay home. He told me he would have loved to bring me too so we could all party together.

 

I don't think this is an anti-poly thing per se, it's just an expenditure thing. If he is allowed to bring his wife and gf, what if someone with 10 partners or 5 siblings or 8 adult children wants to bring all of them? Who pays for the extra food/space? It's completely reasonable to stipulate HOW many extra people are allowed for a sponsored event IMO. On the other hand, if guests were required to pay the full price themselves per person, I would agree with you that it would be unreasonable to tell people they could only bring their (one) spouse.

Edited December 7, 2016 by Elswyth

[Miss Peach]

I don't think this is an anti-poly thing per se, it's just an expenditure thing. If he is allowed to bring his wife and gf, what if someone with 10 partners or 5 siblings or 8 adult children wants to bring all of them? Who pays for the extra food/space? It's completely reasonable to stipulate HOW many extra people are allowed for a sponsored event IMO. On the other hand, if guests were required to pay the full price themselves per person, I would agree with you that it would be unreasonable to tell people they could only bring their (one) spouse.

 

I agree in this guy's case it's likely an expenditure thing. But I know he pushes the envelope elsewhere and gets a lot of flack for it so he's a bit defensive of his lifestyle. For example he was walking down the boardwalk holding hands with both women the other day and got a bunch of stares and comments. There's no harm in letting him preach to the choir a bit at having to choose.