Is polyamory an evolved way of being?

[sooshi]

I know someone who practices polyamory and who thinks it is the way we are meant to be, and that it is the way we will evolve to become. They do not think monogamy is love. They believe monogamy is based on control and jealousy, and that if people could transcend jealousy, people would be polyamorous--where there can be full autonomy, and where you can express your love to anyone in any way you want.

 

I have felt rather guilty for not having polyamory as a lifestyle preference, feeling like I'm not "spiritual" or "evolved" or "enlightened" enough. Feeling guilty for not being able to transcend jealousy. Feeling like my preference for a monogamous relationship is inferior and lower-level thinking/energy, etc.

 

Do you see polyamory--having multiple romantic partners--as more evolved and natural than monogamy? Is monogamy really all just about control and jealousy, like this person believes?

[benpom]

I know someone who practices polyamory and who thinks it is the way we are meant to be, and that it is the way we will evolve to become. They do not think monogamy is love. They believe monogamy is based on control and jealousy, and that if people could transcend jealousy, people would be polyamorous--where there can be full autonomy, and where you can express your love to anyone in any way you want.

 

I have felt rather guilty for not having polyamory as a lifestyle preference, feeling like I'm not "spiritual" or "evolved" or "enlightened" enough. Feeling guilty for not being able to transcend jealousy. Feeling like my preference for a monogamous relationship is inferior and lower-level thinking/energy, etc.

 

Do you see polyamory--having multiple romantic partners--as more evolved and natural than monogamy? Is monogamy really all just about control and jealousy, like this person believes?

 

Monogamy is about a balance between give and take. Polyamory is about take more, and give less.

 

Monogamy is about putting partner's happiness first, or at the same level. Polyamory is about putting one's own interest first, regardless of the partner's feelings.

[GorillaTheater]

I don't think polyamory is better or worse than monogamy, it's simply different. People are wired differently; I've always been wired toward monogamy. I've been married to one woman for a hell of a long time, and even when I was single, I dated one girl at a time because that was my preference. Other folks prefer differently. It'd be nice if polyamorous people and monogamous people avoided relationships with each other, because it seems like needless pain, but it's certainly beyond my control.

 

 

One thing I'm not too keen on is the argument that polyamory is the way things are "supposed" to be, because of evolution or any other basis. If we're hard-hired to f*ck as great a variety of people as possible, we're equally hard-wired to kill our neighbors for trespass or taking our stuff or looking at each other the wrong way. Not too many people are arguing that the latter is the way things are supposed to be.

[Friskyone4u]

I know someone who practices polyamory and who thinks it is the way we are meant to be, and that it is the way we will evolve to become. They do not think monogamy is love. They believe monogamy is based on control and jealousy, and that if people could transcend jealousy, people would be polyamorous--where there can be full autonomy, and where you can express your love to anyone in any way you want.

 

I have felt rather guilty for not having polyamory as a lifestyle preference, feeling like I'm not "spiritual" or "evolved" or "enlightened" enough. Feeling guilty for not being able to transcend jealousy. Feeling like my preference for a monogamous relationship is inferior and lower-level thinking/energy, etc.

 

Do you see polyamory--having multiple romantic partners--as more evolved and natural than monogamy? Is monogamy really all just about control and jealousy, like this person believes?

 

 

Sooshi,

 

polyamory has been around a long time and if you want to read more about it buy two books

 

"More Than Two"

"Opening Up"

 

Unfortunately, the latest in vogue thing for those that want to cheat on their spouse but want to relieve themselves of the guilt "discover" polyamory because it is convenient. if you read the books, they will explain the pitfalls, which most people have no real clue of.

 

i am not advocating anything or knocking anything. But this lifestyle is portrayed too much as just utopia but in reality in more difficult than monogamy to manage

 

Do your homework and then make your choice

[Redhead14]

IMO, if monogamy is about control and jealousy, polyamory is about selfishness, self-centeredness, and inability/lack of desire to exercise self-control and the concept is likely embraced easily by people who are likely just emotionally unavailable and unable to develop a close enough relationship with just one person to feel the desire to commit to them.

 

Polyamory isn't an "evolving" way of "being", it's about "de-volving" and eroding morality.

Edited December 1, 2016 by Redhead14

[sooshi]

Thanks for your thoughts, everyone. They are appreciated.

 

This person feels like we are all one, so loving everyone and expressing love for everyone shouldn't be restricted. That it is natural to love all, and to not be able to share that love is to be controlling and is restraining one's freedom to do what we are meant to do--which is to love.

[GorillaTheater]

This person feels like we are all one, so loving everyone and expressing love for everyone shouldn't be restricted. That it is natural to love all, and to not be able to share that love is to be controlling and is restraining one's freedom to do what we are meant to do--which is to love.

 

 

Nothing inherently wrong with that view. But I also have the freedom to love my way.

[sooshi]

That's so true, GT!!

[central]

Polyamory isn't more evolved than monogamy, nor is monogamy more evolved. They're both long-standing human relationship types, and their relative prevalence in a time and culture depends a lot on social and environmental conditions. And a lot depends on individual disposition - which may be partly genetic, partly nurture/social. Just as some people are naturally monogamous, some are naturally poly (and happier when they are in the most suitable relationship type - for them).

 

 

I consider my outlook to be polyamorous, but most of my relationships have been contentedly monogamous, or effectively (and happily) monogamous most of the time. I've also been in a couple of multi-year poly relationships that were wonderful. The best relationship of any type require excellent communication, tolerance, acceptance, kindness, compassion, etc., but these are even more important in poly relationships because there is greater complexity and potential for misunderstandings if these traits or skills are lacking.

 

 

As for monogamy being about control, etc. - yes, it can be. But so can polygamy. Healthy relationships - whether monogamous or non-monogamous, are not about control, ownership, jealousy, etc. - they are about mutual love, respect, and cooperation. When you have controlling behaviors, you've typically got dysfunctional people involved.

Edited December 1, 2016 by central

[sooshi]

I was hoping to hear your thoughts, central.

 

I agree that neither polyamory nor monogamy is more evolved in the other. And I agree that the best relationship of any type requires the qualities you mentioned... which can happen in any relationship arrangement.

 

Thank you for your thoughts, everyone.

[jen1447]

I suppose you could make a biological case for either one, but that's not what this person is doing - he's making a self-conscious philosophical case for poly that's only thinly covering a feigned Mr. Enlightenment self-ego stroke that's also probably just a rationalization, ultimately. (Ppl can go to amazing lengths and self-delusions to create rationalizations.)

 

Anyway biology is boring in this context so I don't think there's much point discussing that on an interpersonal relationship site.

 

There is a sort of knee-jerk defensiveness built into poly ppl tho bc we so often have to endure the black and white condemnations from others we've even seen here already in a few short posts. Those are no more justified than thinking poly is morally or evolutionally superior, and frankly that sort of divisiveness doesn't help the discussion at all. It's the equivalent of democrats declaring republican's abjectly and irredeemably evil and vice-versa - silly and biased and dishonest.

 

Polyamory is just another way of living. It's neither better nor worse than monogamy, mainly bc the value of your sexual lifestyle is determined by its value to you, not some cosmic socio-sexual supreme court.

[sooshi]

I'm so glad to hear your thoughts, Jen. <3

 

Yes, I agree that polyamory is just another way of living. It's neither better nor worse than monogamy, and vice-versa.

 

It is divisive to make comparisons, so it seems especially counterproductive when this person is all for world peace and love and harmony, yet espousing that this is the only natural way to live, while condemning monogamy to not being love.

 

By the way Jen, I think you're very pretty. You're also one of my favourite posters on here--you're so open-minded and accepting of others, and funny.

[jen1447]

Aw. Tanky-tanky.

[benpom]

Sooshi,

 

polyamory has been around a long time and if you want to read more about it buy two books

 

"More Than Two"

"Opening Up"

 

Unfortunately, the latest in vogue thing for those that want to cheat on their spouse but want to relieve themselves of the guilt "discover" polyamory because it is convenient. if you read the books, they will explain the pitfalls, which most people have no real clue of.

 

i am not advocating anything or knocking anything. But this lifestyle is portrayed too much as just utopia but in reality in more difficult than monogamy to manage

 

Do your homework and then make your choice

 

There was a community called Oneida community. They practiced polygamy and it did not work out.

 

Historically, when polygamy was involved, there was almost always someone who got hurt. But I guess one can argue that getting hurt or hurting someone is a way of living. In that sense, yeah, polygamy is a way of living.

Edited December 1, 2016 by benpom

[Alamo657]

Just like most liberal ideas centered around the satisfaction of the self to the expense of a cohesive society, polyamory is designed to "ridicule" monogamy as yet another ersatz of a demonized conservative white monogamous way of living.

 

Stop paying attention to liberal "modernism" and life gets suddenly less oppressive.

[dichotomy]

sex and love are different things - as are poly, open relationships, and swinging.

 

 

Everyone is wired differently. I know people who can have sex with several people at a time - and not have feelings for them. I also know people who can love multiple people romantically or similar to romantic but not necessarily have sex with them.

 

For poly love grows and feeds off each one - addition. Me - I am all in - I can't love in a Romantic bonding sense more than one person - I want to be all in - or all out.

 

I actually kind of understand people who can just have sex with multiple partners - I dont understand someone who can love more than one. But everyone is wired differently.

 

I am pretty sure I am married to a poly + casual sex woman . Its been a very very difficult marriage for both of us because of it.

[darkmoon]

nothing is meant to be, as you put it, ployamory just happens, it is not a law, it is freedom, ok, but non-polyamorous people are free to be monogamous, there is no right and wrong

[jen1447]

Just like most liberal ideas centered around the satisfaction of the self to the expense of a cohesive society, polyamory is designed to "ridicule" monogamy as yet another ersatz of a demonized conservative white monogamous way of living.

 

Stop paying attention to liberal "modernism" and life gets suddenly less oppressive.

 

Funny I never got that memo.

[Shanex]

I don't think polyamory is better or worse than monogamy, it's simply different. People are wired differently; I've always been wired toward monogamy. I've been married to one woman for a hell of a long time, and even when I was single, I dated one girl at a time because that was my preference. Other folks prefer differently. It'd be nice if polyamorous people and monogamous people avoided relationships with each other, because it seems like needless pain, but it's certainly beyond my control.

 

 

One thing I'm not too keen on is the argument that polyamory is the way things are "supposed" to be, because of evolution or any other basis. If we're hard-hired to f*ck as great a variety of people as possible, we're equally hard-wired to kill our neighbors for trespass or taking our stuff or looking at each other the wrong way. Not too many people are arguing that the latter is the way things are supposed to be.

 

This is pretty much my understanding and thinking on the matter. Props to you for being open-minded about other people lifestyle and putting it eloquently.

 

Personally, I'm into serial monogamy. For a short time have been poly, too, but this has rather caused pain and 'one is enough' anyway, even if she lasts a few weeks.

 

That said, on a personal note, I have a hard time falling for someone anymore, and get jaded too quickly, but I'm wandering, again.

[Gloria25]

Just like most liberal ideas centered around the satisfaction of the self to the expense of a cohesive society, polyamory is designed to "ridicule" monogamy as yet another ersatz of a demonized conservative white monogamous way of living.

 

Stop paying attention to liberal "modernism" and life gets suddenly less oppressive.

 

Thank you....

 

It's like take any bad, selfish, self-centered, etc. idea and just slap a label of "progressive" or "modern" on it and it's all good.

 

Look, yes, in some cultures and religions a "man" (not woman, cuz that's kinda gross and gets complicated cuz she can get preggo) can have multiple "wives"...Mind you, I said "wives". And, it's not supposed to be some harem of women who are either abused or underaged. I don't see the "poly" lifestyle the same. To me "poly" is like putting lipstick on a pig.

 

So, in a way I believe a man can manage more than one woman, but it's not the "norm" and definitely not held to the high standards of some cultures/religions.

[Gloria25]

You know, I was thinking just now of that "Savages" movie, where my girl, Salma Hayek, laid it out for 'free lovin' Blake Lively.

 

Salma was like 'cuz they share you, you think that they love you? You're their property'. And, that's how I feel about poly. It's not love, it's what "feels" good.

 

And, like some say of Trump, I believe that I'm a bit liberal whrn it comes to social stuff (I mean, I've done and am into some racy sexual stuff), but my beef is when people wanna put lipstick onto a pig...in other words be pansexual, asexual, have sex with the same sex, swing, but don't feed me hogwash about it being us born that way. IMO, people just like what they like either/or had certain experiences that make them do/crave certain things but they wanna legitimize it and shove it down other's throats by slapping a label on it.

[dichotomy]

You know, I was thinking just now of that "Savages" movie, where my girl, Salma Hayek, laid it out for 'free lovin' Blake Lively.

 

Salma was like 'cuz they share you, you think that they love you? You're their property'. And, that's how I feel about poly. It's not love, it's what "feels" good.

 

And, like some say of Trump, I believe that I'm a bit liberal whrn it comes to social stuff (I mean, I've done and am into some racy sexual stuff), but my beef is when people wanna put lipstick onto a pig...in other words be pansexual, asexual, have sex with the same sex, swing, but don't feed me hogwash about it being us born that way. IMO, people just like what they like either/or had certain experiences that make them do/crave certain things but they wanna legitimize it and shove it down other's throats by slapping a label on it.

 

 

I dunno - Honestly I would love (no - maybe be at peace, or happier) if I could readily enjoy casual sex with no emotions or feelings of intimacy - just fun pleasant bed romp. When younger from high school to college and a few years after - I had lots of offers for casual hookups - only took two of them and I disliked it. I think it might also be nice if I could be able to love several women at once. I actually tried to make myself think and feel this way at points in my life - I wanted to but I can't engage in those lifestyles. I do think I am wired this way, born this way, built this way, inclined strongly, what ever for serial monogamy. But I have come to understand some, or many can engage in these ways of sexual or love expression - with a very positive view. Or perhaps they have the capacity or wiring or build to engage in it at certain points in their life - they are fluid. Good for them - that they have this natural ability.

 

Wait - I sound like a self hating monogamist.

Edited December 2, 2016 by dichotomy

[Popsicle]

Do you see polyamory--having multiple romantic partners--as more evolved and natural than monogamy?

 

No, I think it's BS.

[whichwayisup]

I know someone who practices polyamory and who thinks it is the way we are meant to be, and that it is the way we will evolve to become. They do not think monogamy is love. They believe monogamy is based on control and jealousy, and that if people could transcend jealousy, people would be polyamorous--where there can be full autonomy, and where you can express your love to anyone in any way you want.

 

I have felt rather guilty for not having polyamory as a lifestyle preference, feeling like I'm not "spiritual" or "evolved" or "enlightened" enough. Feeling guilty for not being able to transcend jealousy. Feeling like my preference for a monogamous relationship is inferior and lower-level thinking/energy, etc.

 

Do you see polyamory--having multiple romantic partners--as more evolved and natural than monogamy? Is monogamy really all just about control and jealousy, like this person believes?

 

No, it's about two people who love each other and have NO desire to add more people in the relationship. It's not about jealously or control. Just my 2 cents.

[Els]

We evolved from polyamory, but that doesn't mean that we will evolve back into it. In fact, it seems highly unlikely, especially given that the human species has essentially halted natural selection. Unless humanity is dealt a devastating blow, future genetic changes in humans' DNA are likely to be artificially selected, and genes that predispose a person to polyamory are unlikely to be chosen for the same reasons why we left polyamory behind (far too many men weren't getting any).

 

It really is just about compatibility in this day and age. I would be wary of a person who tries to claim that their way is 'best for all'. No, there is no 'best' way, just the 'right for the individual' way.