Jump to content

Poly relationships and communication (specific scenario)


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I could use a little advice. I'm currently non-monogamous/poly, but very new to the lifestyle, and still figuring things out. I've been dating two men, and I'll give a little bit of background on both of them before getting into the scenario I need help with. Sorry, it will be on the long side.

 

The first guy, I'll call him Alan - I've been dating him for a little over a year. Things started out well, and seemed to be heading to a good place. We'd agreed from the start that we would be non-monogamous, but I was not actively dating others, except for a FWB situation that had been going on for a while. About six months in, Alan decided he needed a break to focus on attracting new clients to his business. The business wasn't doing as well as he wanted it to, and while he enjoyed spending time with me, I was a distraction. I was unhappy, but there wasn't much I could do. After about three weeks of not seeing each other, he decided he wanted to start seeing me again, but at a lesser frequency than before. Not ideal for me, but better than nothing, I thought. So went back to seeing each other, but only once per week. Things were never the same after this, which I suppose I should have Shortly after we got back together, my elderly grandfather's health started to fail. I went back to visit him for a week while I still had the chance. It was a bittersweet visit. I was essentially there to say goodbye to him while I still had the chance. While I was there, I did not hear from Alan at all. About four days in, I texted him to find out why. He told me he had been "busy". I reminded him that I was there to say goodbye to my dying grandfather, and that some communication to provide comfort would have been welcomed. His response to that was "Everyone dies. 96 is a luxury." I was floored by the total lack of empathy.

 

About a week before my trip, I'd received a message on OKCupid from another guy, we'll call him Joe. Joe seemed nice, and wanted to meet, but the timing was bad because I was prepping for my trip, AND recovering from strep throat. So I told Joe that he sounded lovely, but that meeting would have to wait until I was back in town. He said he understood, we kept in contact, though not constant, and continued to learn a few things about each other. We had tons in common. Once I got back to town, we made plans to meet the following week. Our first date was actually pretty terrible, but there were enough things about each other that we liked that we decided to have a second date, despite how terrible the first date was. We've now been dating for 3 1/2 months, and things are going very well.

 

Alan knew about Joe, and Joe knew about Alan. They were eventually going to meet. Here's where things get tricky. Last week, I broke things off with Alan for reasons completely unrelated to Joe. I'm not sure the details are relevant, but I'll share what I can if it's needed.

 

I have not shared this information with Joe yet, because I didn't want to share it over the phone, and he's been out of town visiting family and friends for the holiday. I saw him last night, but wanted that first visit after his trip to be unmarred by any potential unpleasantness. My question is this: Should I bring it up myself, or wait until the topic of Alan comes up naturally, and then share that we're no longer seeing each other? Do I even need to tell him at all? And if so, do I need to share the exact reasons?

 

tl;dr version: had two poly relationships, ended the longer one, do I tell the newer one?

  • Like 1
Posted

Hello

 

You were not in a polyamorous relationship, you were seeking an emotional connection that didnt come with your sex friends, which is quite different.

 

Polyamorous situation involve established love , care , communication and stability. Everything you expect from a happy couple, but with several people at once.

 

Anything else is Polygamy at best, promiscuity more often than not.

 

Joe doesn't care about your sex life with other people as long as you use condoms, but if you want to upgrade him to monogamy, you should let him know.

  • Like 1
Posted
My question is this: Should I bring it up myself, or wait until the topic of Alan comes up naturally, and then share that we're no longer seeing each other? Do I even need to tell him at all? And if so, do I need to share the exact reasons?

 

You should bring it up yourself, as soon as it's practical. In a poly relationship you do owe it to the other partners to inform them about your situ outside of them. It's not like you're just FWB/FB/open and what you do is your business. (I even tell my BF/GFs about my outside hookups bc even tho we're free to do that w/in the rules we established, it's still their business what I do.) I understand you're talking about subtracting here and not adding but it's still significant to your life and thus his, and he should be informed.

 

As to exact reasons, I'd share that too, personally, again just bc no doubt the reasons matter to you and as a result they should matter to the ppl you love. If you have more of a hands-off relationship here I guess that'd be different, or if he just isn't that interested, but then I'd start wondering what you've really got in the relationship w Joe.

 

Good luck and sorry about your grandfather. :)

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Hello

 

You were not in a polyamorous relationship, you were seeking an emotional connection that didnt come with your sex friends, which is quite different.

 

Polyamorous situation involve established love , care , communication and stability. Everything you expect from a happy couple, but with several people at once.

 

Anything else is Polygamy at best, promiscuity more often than not.

 

Joe doesn't care about your sex life with other people as long as you use condoms, but if you want to upgrade him to monogamy, you should let him know.

 

I had an emotional connection with both. Maybe it wasn't a true poly situation, but it wasn't just sex with Alan. Alan and I went on dates, we shared affection (in public and in private). We had discussions about our lives, about politics, about whatever came up. We did things that happy couples do. We had an emotional connection, but he didn't want to be my primary.

 

I'm not looking to "upgrade" Joe to monogamy. He has pre-existing relationships, and it would be unfair for me to ask him to give them up. His other relationships do not bother me.

  • Author
Posted
You should bring it up yourself, as soon as it's practical. In a poly relationship you do owe it to the other partners to inform them about your situ outside of them. It's not like you're just FWB/FB/open and what you do is your business. (I even tell my BF/GFs about my outside hookups bc even tho we're free to do that w/in the rules we established, it's still their business what I do.) I understand you're talking about subtracting here and not adding but it's still significant to your life and thus his, and he should be informed.

 

Thanks, Jen! I will likely tell him when I see him again tomorrow. I was leaning towards this already, I just wasn't sure how to do it. This is my first experience with this type of situation. I've had breakups before, and even been the initiator of the breakup as I was in this case, but I've never had to share the info with another boyfriend. It's a little scary, since our relationship is still so new.

 

As to exact reasons, I'd share that too, personally, again just bc no doubt the reasons matter to you and as a result they should matter to the ppl you love. If you have more of a hands-off relationship here I guess that'd be different, or if he just isn't that interested, but then I'd start wondering what you've really got in the relationship w Joe.

 

I think you're right - the reasons are important to me, and I need Joe to know that he was in no way the reason for the breakup. Joe has always been very appreciative of my openness with him, and he will likely be very supportive while I get through this as well. The breakup was necessary, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

 

Good luck and sorry about your grandfather. :)

 

Thank you. He is at peace now, and I'll always have very fond memories of him.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted

Joe has been informed, and it went well! Yay for open communication!

Posted
Joe has been informed, and it went well! Yay for open communication!

 

Good stuff Strawberry. :)

Posted

I'm sorry, but seems like with both of these guys you're putting up with a lot of stuff.

 

I mean Alan doesn't seem to see you as important/meaningful in his life as you would like him to. Even though I agree with Alan's view about death - someone who cared about you would have picked up the phone or at least texted to ask a simple "how are ya?". I've done that for people. I at work ask people about how their weekend is, when I could care less if they fell off of a cliff - but I do it to try to be somewhat sociable. So, since Alan doesn't have you with any status to him - who gives a hoot if you're having sex with anyone else...none of his flippin' business. IMO

 

Also, IMO, Joe doesn't need to know about Alan until you guys have discussed exclusivity and/or before sex. But really, even before sex, IMO, Joe doesn't need to know about Alan because Alan is a nobody in my book. But still, I just don't see the point in having sex with two guys at the same time. So, if you're having sex with Joe, IMO, to heck with Alan - he doesn't even appreciate you for the sex he gets from you and since you have a replacement, Alan can sit by the sidelines and dedicate all his time to his flippin' business or watching paint dry.

 

Lastly, this doesn't seem like a poly situation to me. Like others said, I believe a poly situation is where the parties would have known about each other from day one. This to me is you trying to get your needs met by keeping your options open instead of leaning on Alan; Alan not knowing you're bold enough to not sit around doting on him; and, Joe thinking you're only into him.

  • Author
Posted
I'm sorry, but seems like with both of these guys you're putting up with a lot of stuff.

 

I mean Alan doesn't seem to see you as important/meaningful in his life as you would like him to. Even though I agree with Alan's view about death - someone who cared about you would have picked up the phone or at least texted to ask a simple "how are ya?". I've done that for people. I at work ask people about how their weekend is, when I could care less if they fell off of a cliff - but I do it to try to be somewhat sociable. So, since Alan doesn't have you with any status to him - who gives a hoot if you're having sex with anyone else...none of his flippin' business. IMO

 

This I can agree with.

 

Also, IMO, Joe doesn't need to know about Alan until you guys have discussed exclusivity and/or before sex. But really, even before sex, IMO, Joe doesn't need to know about Alan because Alan is a nobody in my book. But still, I just don't see the point in having sex with two guys at the same time. So, if you're having sex with Joe, IMO, to heck with Alan - he doesn't even appreciate you for the sex he gets from you and since you have a replacement, Alan can sit by the sidelines and dedicate all his time to his flippin' business or watching paint dry.

 

There won't be exclusivity between Joe and me. We are non-monogamous. We have had discussions about our relationship, and decided that we are a couple, but are staying non-monogamous at this time. I'm happy with the arrangement, and don't expect it to change at this time. But Alan is no longer making me happy, so he's no longer a part of my life regardless of my relationship with Joe.

 

Lastly, this doesn't seem like a poly situation to me. Like others said, I believe a poly situation is where the parties would have known about each other from day one. This to me is you trying to get your needs met by keeping your options open instead of leaning on Alan; Alan not knowing you're bold enough to not sit around doting on him; and, Joe thinking you're only into him.

 

Both HAVE known about each other from day one. Joe has known from day one that I had been dating Alan before meeting him - he also knew that I didn't consider Alan my primary relationship, but still cared about him and wanted him in my life. Alan knew I was dating others while also dating him, and as soon as I knew that there was something meaningful developing between Joe and I, I told him about Joe. Joe was NOT the reason for the breakup in any way.

Posted

First of all, Alan is an ass.

 

You aren't poly, as has already been said. You are simply dating more then one person at a time.

 

On one hand, I think you're afraid of commitment, but on the other hand, you want more from men than FWB or a booty call.

 

The last time I was actively dating, I told the men that I was seeing other men and that exclusivity would have to be a conversation. I'm a bit of a witch, I refuse monogamy without a commitment. To be honest, at my age, I'd probably refuse monogamy unless the commitment was living together.

 

I didn't inform them when I started dating a new person or when things ended with another one. I also didn't accept every dating option and would say, "Saturday doesn't work for me, I have plans."

  • Like 1
Posted

I think that telling Shystrawberry that "she isn't poly" because one of her boyfriends failed her isn't really fair.. When you're in a monogamous relationship and that person ends up cheating, or not supporting you the way you want them to emotionally, or not wanting to be involved in all the aspects of your life you want them involved in, you don't say "you were not in a relationship." You just say that that relationship didn't prove to be fulfilling the way you wanted it to be and you moved on. Not having the same expectations from a relationship doesn't mean it didn't exist.

  • Like 2
Posted (edited)

I'm dabbled a bit in poly myself but I've been on the receiving end of people having trouble getting past the poly on LS to see the issue.

 

I think you did the right thing with Alan. I get he has another relationship and you may have been a secondary relationship but he should still show you some support and be empathetic you're going through a difficult time. I dated a guy in a triad already and he was always so supportive and helpful to me even though he had a triad and kids. He was always there for me anyway even though I was essentially the new women he was still dating. I could understand what you got from Alan to some extent if you had just met but I would expect more than what you got from Alan after that long. I can understand. I was in a poly relationship with a guy who was gung ho until he pulled a slow fade on me and I ended it. It sucks people can't be more direct and up front sometimes.

 

I know you already did this, but I tend to overshare with people I date as I really think open communication is important - especially in open relationships. When I was dating in poly circles, I was keeping the others up to date on what was happening with the others and they wanted to know. I didn't dwell on it and let it take over our time but they were informed. I tend not to do that in mono circles until being exclusive but I still push for the communication level of poly.

 

I really don't get the comments that have trouble grasping this is a poly situation or pushing monogamy. You were upfront on the situation IMO. :confused:

Edited by Miss Peach
Posted

I just don't see it as a big deal to tell him you ended it with the other guy. To me poly, open dating, or FWB/FB set ups - has a certain level of blunt honesty. If the guy offered some sympathy to you over your loss of Alan - perhaps that shows he does have affectionate/caring feelings for you.

 

My wife used to have several guys - she wrote she had "different" kinds of loves for them. However with her main OM/MM I can pretty much guarantee he had no real love in his heart for her - from his side it was more between FB and FWB. I think she knew this - but it did not stop her feelings of a "kind of love" and deep bonding to him - even though he was an Ahole. Love can be one sided - or a kind of love (infatuation/affection). She had that feeling with a number of them men - even ones she stopped having sex with she carried feelings.

  • Author
Posted
I'm dabbled a bit in poly myself but I've been on the receiving end of people having trouble getting past the poly on LS to see the issue.

 

I think you did the right thing with Alan. I get he has another relationship and you may have been a secondary relationship but he should still show you some support and be empathetic you're going through a difficult time. I dated a guy in a triad already and he was always so supportive and helpful to me even though he had a triad and kids. He was always there for me anyway even though I was essentially the new women he was still dating. I could understand what you got from Alan to some extent if you had just met but I would expect more than what you got from Alan after that long. I can understand. I was in a poly relationship with a guy who was gung ho until he pulled a slow fade on me and I ended it. It sucks people can't be more direct and up front sometimes.

 

I know you already did this, but I tend to overshare with people I date as I really think open communication is important - especially in open relationships. When I was dating in poly circles, I was keeping the others up to date on what was happening with the others and they wanted to know. I didn't dwell on it and let it take over our time but they were informed. I tend not to do that in mono circles until being exclusive but I still push for the communication level of poly.

 

I really don't get the comments that have trouble grasping this is a poly situation or pushing monogamy. You were upfront on the situation IMO. :confused:

 

Thank you, Miss Peach. Part of the issue with Alan is that he actually doesn't have another romantic relationship. He has a friendship with an ex whom he's known for 18 years. They are no longer sexually or romantically involved, but I think he's still a little hung up on her. He also has another purely sexual relationship with a woman whose company he can't really stand. It's mostly that he's focused so much on his job (he's self-employed) that he doesn't have the time to be someone's primary and all of the expectations that go along with that status. We did have good times together, and for the most part, I did enjoy his company, but what happened leading up to the breakup was indicative of a larger problem that would probably have gotten worse.

 

When I told Joe what happened, the conversation was very brief, and to the point. I gave him a small part of the reason why it happened, and my thoughts. He offered emotional support if I needed it, and then we moved on to enjoy the rest of our time together that evening. I've always believed that open, honest communication is a very important part of ANY relationship, so when I opened myself up to the idea of poly/non-monogamy, it was a pretty seamless transition for me.

Posted

If Alan is that into his job and hung up on an ex, it just sounds like he's not emotionally available IMO. In the end you're right though, it wouldn't have gotten any better. You still have needs and standards. In my case, I broke up with one poly guy for the same reason - there wasn't enough time for me.

 

It sounds like you have everything with Joe under control.

Posted

Truth be told you sound like one of the more sensible poly ppl I know strawberry. :)

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Truth be told you sound like one of the more sensible poly ppl I know strawberry. :)

 

Thanks! I try!

Posted
I had an emotional connection with both. Maybe it wasn't a true poly situation, but it wasn't just sex with Alan. Alan and I went on dates, we shared affection (in public and in private). We had discussions about our lives, about politics, about whatever came up. We did things that happy couples do. We had an emotional connection, but he didn't want to be my primary.

 

I'm not looking to "upgrade" Joe to monogamy. He has pre-existing relationships, and it would be unfair for me to ask him to give them up. His other relationships do not bother me.

 

 

OP, poly has to be a conscious choice on your part in order for you to be happy with it. It has to be something you've always wanted for yourself. The way I read your posts, the only reason you were in a poly R with Alan and Joe was because they wanted to be poly. As you mention, you weren't happy with Alan's lack of exclusivity but it was 'better than nothing', and you thought it 'wasn't fair to expect Joe to stop seeing his other partners'. Nowhere is it mentioned that it's what YOU wanted or what YOU crave.

 

Lets put it this way. If you meet a man whom you have a physical, mental, and emotional connection with (like with Alan, but better), and who wants to be exclusive with you... would you happily enter into a monogamous R with him or would you say "No thanks, I prefer to be poly"?

 

IMO, people who are truly suited for poly would choose the latter. You, on the other hand, sound like you're 'settling' for poly due to less-than-ideal circumstances, and are instead a serial monogamist (not a bad thing at all, just a statement).

Posted

^ That's actually a bit of a misnomer Els ....being polyamorous means that you're capable of sustaining multiple concurrent romantic relationships, not necessarily that you're driven to have them. (That would actually be kinda weird lol - need more cowbell! ;)) In fact I'd go so far as to surmise that there are many polyamorous ppl happily living their lives w a single romantic partner. I was 'single' (not monogamous) for a long time before I started having multiple romances, but I think polyamory was always in my genes and I only just discovered it when all the right ppl came into play at the right time. :)

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
OP, poly has to be a conscious choice on your part in order for you to be happy with it. It has to be something you've always wanted for yourself. The way I read your posts, the only reason you were in a poly R with Alan and Joe was because they wanted to be poly. As you mention, you weren't happy with Alan's lack of exclusivity but it was 'better than nothing', and you thought it 'wasn't fair to expect Joe to stop seeing his other partners'. Nowhere is it mentioned that it's what YOU wanted or what YOU crave.

 

I was perfectly fine with Alan's lack of exclusivity. It was him being an ass that I wasn't fine with. There's much more to the story than what I've shared here. Poly was a conscious choice for me, but I didn't find that detail to be relevant to the subject at hand. No, it wouldn't be fair to expect Joe to stop seeing his other partners - but this statement was in response to something another poster said.

 

Lets put it this way. If you meet a man whom you have a physical, mental, and emotional connection with (like with Alan, but better), and who wants to be exclusive with you... would you happily enter into a monogamous R with him or would you say "No thanks, I prefer to be poly"?

 

IMO, people who are truly suited for poly would choose the latter. You, on the other hand, sound like you're 'settling' for poly due to less-than-ideal circumstances, and are instead a serial monogamist (not a bad thing at all, just a statement).

 

I think there's a difference between "being suited for" poly and "preferring" poly - I am perfectly suited for it, since it has been working well for me - less than ideal choice in (ex)partner notwithstanding - but no, perhaps it hasn't always been my preference. I don't see it as settling, though. I see it as welcoming a lifestyle change with open arms. Also - why is everyone so focused on whether or not I'm truly poly instead of the actual issue?

Posted
Also - why is everyone so focused on whether or not I'm truly poly instead of the actual issue?

 

Bc they don't want to lend your issue the legitimacy of 'believing' in polyamory that's implied by just answering the question. (Not Els btw - her inquiries are honest and unbiased I'm sure.)

  • Author
Posted
Bc they don't want to lend your issue the legitimacy of 'believing' in polyamory that's implied by just answering the question. (Not Els btw - her inquiries are honest and unbiased I'm sure.)

 

I see. And to be fair, maybe it's *not* a true poly situation - I'm new to this, and I'm still learning and figuring out what works and what doesn't work for me - but I'm happy with it, and Joe and I are happy together, and I believe that's what's important - not whether or not I'm truly poly.

Posted
I see. And to be fair, maybe it's *not* a true poly situation - I'm new to this, and I'm still learning and figuring out what works and what doesn't work for me - but I'm happy with it, and Joe and I are happy together, and I believe that's what's important - not whether or not I'm truly poly.

 

That kinda reflects my answer to Elswyth (and just makes me more convinced of your genuineness) - you can be polyamorous in nature and perfectly content w a single partner, depending on the circumstances. (Like ....if you only have a single partner available or you don't happen to be interested in anybody else. :p)

  • Like 1
×
×
  • Create New...