Author BlkVelvet Posted January 5, 2017 Author Posted January 5, 2017 Thanks for taking time to give some feedback, everyone. To answer some questions/concerns: Yes, of course he apologized for his "*******" behavior. But an apology doesn't really mean much to me, so I wasn't focused on that in my post. "Rewarding" him? LOL, nah, not at all. I was able to ask the questions I wanted to ask and get solid answers. I also know what/who I'm dealing with now. I had no issue answering the phone I pay for to see what the heck this fool had to say. OF COURSE I called him out on his behavior. Are you kidding? I'm no punk. I say what I feel and what I think. He knows this about me. Probably why he didn't call me right away. I don't think I EVER said that I didn't have feelings for him. Of course I still have feelings for him, we've only been broken up 6 weeks, lol. I'm not a robot. But please believe me when I tell you that I'm VERY clear on who he is and the damage he can cause me. I really don't have any intention on taking him back and he hasn't even asked. I DO know that we could be friends in the future, but I'm definitely not going to pursue that, either. Oh, yes, I know all about the UE man. I think I read the Fallback Girl like, 10 years ago or more. I've also reread "Men Who Can't Love" which is amazeballs. I know what's up. Trust me. As far as "why I stayed so long". . .well, the relationship was only 4 months and it was pretty amazing the entire time. I didn't have a reason to leave him. I'm not in the business of chasing, pursuing, begging or crying to someone for their love and attention. So as far as him coming back, withdrawing, coming back, disappearing again. . .well, I'm not going to let that happen to me because I'm not taking him back. I know he needs cognitive therapy and he's openly admitted that he thinks he does, also. I believe he really cared for me and still does, but sadly, he's not the man that I need him to be in a romantic relationship. Awesome friend, yes. Boyfriend/husband? No. And no, I didn't need to go off on him and cuss him out and yell and scream and all of that stuff that shows you care too much. Since he called, I wanted answers and I got them. Acting a fool with him would be counter-productive to my needs. In addition, I'm really not as hurt as I was initially, so I didn't have any desire to be all angry and stupid acting. I said what I had to say. That's it. I have learned that one of the main reasons we are so hurt when it comes to breakups is because we internalize the rejection. We make it about us and who we are and our value and worth. When you can remove yourself from the equation (this does take practice) and if you have a healthy self-esteem, you can heal fairly quickly. Rejection is ALWAYS more about the rejecting party than it is about us. It's the thoughts that we have and cling to that dictates our feelings. You can't have a feeling -- ANY feeling -- without first a thought. I didn't internalize the breakup. I KNOW it's his issues that have separated us. He knows it too. Why am I going to keep being sad? People are gonna do what they do. I have no control over that. Since I now know what type of person I'm dealing with, I can be a lot more self-protective. He can't hurt me again. I promise you, I won't allow it.
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 5, 2017 Author Posted January 5, 2017 Interesting to know he did end up calling you after all (albeit weeks later!). Since you’ve asked for our thoughts, my take is that you say you’ve moved on and maybe in your head you’ve reached this logical conclusion, but from your post you appear to still feel something for this man. That’s why you entertained him for almost two hours and even engaged in some light flirting. If you had truly moved on you would have ignored his call or at the most have been pithy with him. Hey I get it, you shared some happy times so it’s taking time to detach. I echo BC1980’s views that it’s not clear whether he apologised. But either way, does it matter? He admits that his faults caused the downfall of the relationship but he’s not taking responsibility for his actions or committing he’ll change etc etc. If anything, his remark that you walk away sounds like he’s deflecting blame on you. Attraction and common interests are not enough to sustain a relationship. By all means keep him as friend if you enjoy his company, but assuming you are seeking a relationship and if you want to avoid further heartache I suggest you keep things platonic. And if you can’t trust yourself to do that it would be best to stay away in the meantime. Yes, he definitely wanted to take the heat off of him a bit. I probably would, too. By the way. . .I answered his call because I really wanted to hear what he had to say. I never said I had no feelings for him whatsoever. Even if I didn't have feelings for him, I would have still answered his call. I don't do the ignoring thing too much. I'm too nosey for that
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 5, 2017 Author Posted January 5, 2017 So basically he treated you like crap and you rewarded his behavior on his terms with a two hour phone conversation and some flirting. He must feel like a king while you are left wondering....yet again. Once again, the ball seems to be in his court and you're waiting to be picked (or it seems like that's the case). Well, I'm sorry you got that impression. I'm never "waiting to be picked". Chile, please, lol. He has zero balls, in zero courts. He can "feel like a King" all he wants. I did what was good for ME. I'm not in control of his feelings. Perception isn't always reality.
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 5, 2017 Author Posted January 5, 2017 I think he might still have feelings for you, but I'd be very wary. His treatment of you was unacceptable. He disappeared, and you basically had to hunt him down for an explanation. Then, he calls you, and you answer him and talk for 2 hours. Did he ever apologize? He honestly didn't even deserve you answering the phone. Feeling trapped and "biting off more then he could chew" are poor excuses for his behavior. Did you call him on his behavior on the phone? I was confused about that aspect of it. I wouldn't entertain this guy anymore. I think he will just play around with you and hurt you again. I don't see any indication that he is wanting a relationship with you. It sounds like he just called to feel you out and for curiosity's sake. Unless he apologized, and I missed that part. I hope he doesn't want a relationship with me because he's not going to get one (besides a platonic one). I didn't really hunt him down, I sent a text, he answered right away. . .but yeah. I get what you're saying. I shouldn't have needed to even do that. His excuses are poor, I'll give you that. But they are real to him. And they are his to live with.
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 5, 2017 Author Posted January 5, 2017 (edited) Thanks again, everyone. Edited January 5, 2017 by BlkVelvet
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 7, 2017 Author Posted January 7, 2017 He just called again tonight. I didn't answer. HE walked away from ME. He needs to live with his decision. But I wanted to talk to him sooooo badly, lol. But no. We're broken up now. He doesnt get the luxury of my attention on demand. Good move? 1
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 7, 2017 Author Posted January 7, 2017 Oh, Lord, he just called AGAIN. An hour after the first call. What does he want?? He broke UP with me. He "bit off more that he could chew". I didn't answer. This is hard. Help, guys.
clam Posted January 7, 2017 Posted January 7, 2017 Call him back, hear him out. This could get very interesting. Maybe he's in therapy and finally gets it...
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 7, 2017 Author Posted January 7, 2017 Call him back, hear him out. This could get very interesting. Maybe he's in therapy and finally gets it... Are you joking?
ainoviere Posted January 8, 2017 Posted January 8, 2017 Based on your last conversation it sounds like you were offering friendship so he probably thinks nothing about calling you. So by all means talk to him if you want to. Unless you're afraid you'll get sucked back in?
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 He called me again and asked me to dinner and drinks. I did go. It was nice. We talked a lot. He actually told me that that last time I called him and left that message made him re-evaluate what he was doing and who I am. He said that it took a lot of strength to put myself put there like that and that it made him feel like an a-****. He said, in his relationships, he's always felt like the one who would be trying to make things work and patch things up and that he doesn't feel that anyone has ever cared about him like I do. When he saw they weren't trying also, or felt they could take him or leave him, he'd just run. So he knows he made a mistake with me. He said he still loves me and wants the same things I want but he felt it was going too fast. So we discussed that, also. He wants to try again, but slower this time. I told him that I'd really have to think about it because he terrifies me now. I don't trust him with my heart anymore and I will not let him break it again. He said he understood and that that's fair. He volunteered that he hadn't been with anyone else and that he didnt want to. He thought about me all the time and missed me, but he didnt know what to say to me and so stayed away for a bit. Also, he knew he messed up and was not sure how I'd treat him. When he asked me out, I hesitated and he quickly said, Oh, its okay, if you don't want to, I understand. Like he was nervous about it. I guess even rejectors dont want to be rejected. We had dinner, bar hopped a bit (it was a fun Saturday night), and then went back to his place but there was no sex. We slept late and then went to Sunday brunch. It was very nice and comfortable and now. . .I dont know what to do. I talked all this big **** but I really do love this jerk. I guess I'll just see him if I feel like it, but also see other people. He's got a very long way to go to regain my trust so we'll see if he means what he says. I'm going to be very careful. (Sorry for any typos. I'm on my phone.)
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 One more thing. I know that most of the advice here is always to walk away and never look back. Don't express your true feelings, don't call or text, yadda yadda yadda. But sometimes, you have to take a chance and put yourself out there ONCE if you think that person or the relationship is worth it, especially if it was simple miscommunication that broke you up. You dont have to beg, cry and plead to anyone for anything. Ever. But there's no shame in letting a person know where you stand and how you feel and then fall back and let them come to you. They will come back to you if they really care. You don't have to lose your dignity. Just be honest and stand in your truth and be ready and willing to walk away if you have to.
VeveCakes Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 just reminds me too much of my situation with my ex. I know why you have to see him and take the chance, but I feel like the outcome will be the same. Just more push pull, and games. I hope I'm wrong for your sake. 2
BC1980 Posted January 9, 2017 Posted January 9, 2017 I don't think there's anything wrong with a second chance, but I wouldn't go past that. I think you are right to be cautious. He needs to prove himself. I don't think it's been long enough for him to do any serious self-reflection or changing. Old patterns die hard, and it takes a lot for a person to change. A lot of times people come back after emotions have died down, but they run again once things get real. This could just be an in the moment reaction on his part, but I could be wrong. I don't know if I could get past the abrupt ghosting and cutting you off. 1
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 9, 2017 Author Posted January 9, 2017 I agree. I don't know if I can, either. That's why I'm really just observing his behavior at this point. I'm not sure what else to do. Another reason why I'm going to date others.
clam Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 Are you joking? No, not at all. I think you did the right thing by hearing him out. I hope it all works out for both of you. 1
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 No, not at all. I think you did the right thing by hearing him out. I hope it all works out for both of you. Well that's a refreshing post around these parts. Thank you. We'll see, I guess.
ainoviere Posted January 10, 2017 Posted January 10, 2017 We are rooting for you and hope it works out. I guess that we just read too many stories of second chances not working out when no attempt was made to fix the issues which led to the initial breakup. Hopefully he does end up getting some help. It can take a long time to fix these issues. 1
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 10, 2017 Author Posted January 10, 2017 We are rooting for you and hope it works out. I guess that we just read too many stories of second chances not working out when no attempt was made to fix the issues which led to the initial breakup. Hopefully he does end up getting some help. It can take a long time to fix these issues. Oh, Don't get me wrong, I know the majority of LS posters mean well and don't want to see anyone hurt. I appreciate all of the advice I've gotten on this thread immensly and I agree with everyone about being cautious and protective of my heart with this person. I hope he gets help, also, for his sake. I guess we'll see what unfolds.
Author BlkVelvet Posted January 13, 2017 Author Posted January 13, 2017 (edited) Just an update: the communication is stellar and its going really well so far. We are both being very honest about where we are right now and when my insecurities pop up because of the previous relationship and how that turned out, he adresses my concetns with kindness, love, and respect. He owns his behavior and doesn't make me wrong for feeling insecure in any way. Still no sex has happened. Well guys. . .I guess I'm trying one more time. I have to. I love him. And so far, he's being open, attentive, remorseful, and honest. He's not being theatrical wiith the crying and begging and all that foolishness. He is just communicating, explaining himself, listening to my concerns and addressing them, and taking it slow, but being exclusive with eachother. We'll see. Edited January 13, 2017 by BlkVelvet
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