jakeyjake Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 Hi, I hope that there is some people out there that can give me their opinions on the situation I'm in.. I'm a 29 year old male with a 25 year old girlfriend. We have been together for about 5 years (with a break of about 6 months in the middle). We when had a break, I was the one to call it off. Then realizing that I made a huge mistake, took her for granted and that I wanted this girl back in my life, I fought so hard to get her back and eventually did. Fast forward 2.5 years to today and my doubts are back. She wants commitment and she wants to be engaged to me within the next year. Myself, on the other hand, I am so unsure and confused of what I want. I have cheated on her several times before, and only 5 weeks ago I did it again. I slept with another woman on a drunken night out. I have never told her, and the guilt only lasts a few days. The sex blew my mind, and ever since that encounter, I have been confused as to weather there is someone out there that will make me a lot happier, especially sexually. I feel as though the sexual attraction to my girl has faded, and I often find myself fascinating about other women and even starting over with a new woman. I am so confused as I love my girl so much. But then again, if she was really the one, would I be doing these things (cheating, fascinating), or having these doubts?? I think my girl would make a great wife and she is the most caring and supporting person you will ever meet. I am constantly told by close friends and family that I should never let her go.. But here I am, contemplating walking away from a beautiful girl. I have a fear of becoming single and looking for love again at 29, and I enjoy the safety and comfort of my relationship I am in. Very selfish, I know.. But it is what it is and this girl deserves someone who is going to appreciate her 100% and not 95%. She also deserves someone who will be faithful to her and not fantasise over other women, which I feel as though I cannot provide at this time. I really want to try one last time to make this work, and concentrate on my girl and treat her the way she deserves, but if these feelings are still there after trying and trying, is it time to walk away?? I love this girl so much but I am often thinking of the grass may be greener on the other side. And it isn't always the case!! I found that out the hard way last time we broke up.. I am so confused and if anyone out there has any advice or honest opinions please fire away, as I don't want to commit to a relationship to the next level that I have doubts with.. she is a great person and I want her to be looked after. But am I the one to do that? Can I change my ways?? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
DarrenB Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 You need to let her go and let her be with someone else who will treat her well. It's simple, no questions need to be asked. Unfortunately, for her you've led her to believe after all this time you're 100% romantically invested into her, when you damn well know you're not. You made the decision to lose her in the first place, made a gesture over a period of time to re-gain her love, you cheat on her multiple times within your 5 year time duration together... something tells me there's a real lack of compatibility here? a real lack of commitment and being promiscuous from your behalf? What you've been doing is in fact incredibly selfish, and you need to be the better person here and accept there's no point in you even considering to 'change'. The damage has been dealt, don't provoke it further. Absolutely pointless. Don't waste anymore of this girl's time full well knowing that you cannot provide her what she seeks out of a man and a relationship.
RecentChange Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 No she isn't the one. You wouldn't have all these doubts if she was. If your sexual needs are not met by her now, do you think they will be in 10 years? When kids are screaming in diapers? In my mind, things should be damn near fairytale perfect before taking the plunge, because married is a real test of a relationship. So far yours has not been passing any tests. You have broken up, you have cheated repeatedly - nope, this relationship doesn't have a leg to stand on. And if you did marry her - without her knowing all of your cheating etc - that is a horrible disservice to her, as she wouldn't really know the man she was marrying. SET HER FREE she deserves better, and you shouldn't be compromising and settling out of fear and insecurity anyway.
Methodical Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 When there is doubt, DON'T get married. The fact that you admit your attraction for her has faded is a clue. The fact that you cheat and have little/no remorse is a clue. The fact that you believe there may be someone else out there that is a better match is a clue. How many markers do you need? Marriages aren't "easy" and divorces are hard and costly. Spare both of you a lot of heartache and pain. Honestly, it sounds like you aren't that into her, but she is a sure thing so you keep holding onto her for security. You need to cut her loose bc she believes you are in it for the long haul and you aren't. Reverse the roles. If you discovered she no longer found you attractive, cheated, etc., how would you feel? Would you want to marry her?
Author jakeyjake Posted December 1, 2016 Author Posted December 1, 2016 Thanks for responses guys. It may be what I needed to hear. Regardless of how harsh they sound to read, it's brutal honesty from you all. I still would like to change and give it one last go as I want to change, not just for her but for me too. I thank you all. Anymore responses would be appreciated also.
LostOnes05 Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 First of all, there is no "the one". There are 7 billion people and counting on this planet. I guarantee if you moved to another country you'd find someone else to cheat on just the same. Don't use the excuse of well she must not be the one if I'm cheating and fantasizing about other women. That's all your doing. Your rationale for cheating is the equivalent of a drunk driver crashing into other cars and saying well if it's not their time to die they will survive the crash. To be blunt you're a serial cheater. And that my friend is a problem you need to fix within yourself...it has nothing to do with her. I agree that she deserves someone who respects and loves her, and that's not you. As someone who was cheated on twice, I find it one of the most disrespectful things you can do to someone you claim to love. That's not love bro, you're afraid to lose your safety net. That's why you freaked after the first time. If you're acting like this at 29 yrs. old after a 5 year relationship, how can you claim to love this person? What exactly is love to you? What will you do if you get married and your wife isn't losing the weight she gained from a baby fast enough for you? Will that spur another if/then rationale to cheat on her? Do you think you'll have the same love for someone 15 years from now that you had at 9 months? Probably not, that's where being committed kicks in. Love is a feeling...it can be here today, gone tomorrow. Just like you can be sad today and elated tomorrow. However, commitment is based in action. It's like having a bad day at work, but since you believe in the work you're doing you continue to press forward. Could there be a better job out there, of course. Either way you've wasted 5 years of her life and that's pretty selfish to be honest. It's going to cause her a lot of grief either way. If you tell her, she should leave you and never speak to you again because this isn't your first offence. If by some ridiculous and dumb chance she tries to stay with you, she'll never trust you again. Eventually, she'll resent you and even herself for staying with someone who doesn't respect her as a person, much less a partner of 5 years. There is nothing wrong with fantasizing about other women, but it is another thing entirely to cheat. There will always be someone out there better looking, more financially stable, with more things in common, and better sexual compatibility. If you want to sleep with a bunch of different women, do your thing. But come clean and let her find someone who will appreciate her...and stay out of her life. I imagine that you'll break up and then freak out again when she finds someone else. Then you'll come back trying to win her over again and ruin any chance she has to move on and be happy with someone else. Let her go, then you're free to do whatever with whomever without cheating.
travelbug1996 Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 You are what's called a "classic cake eater". You have a right to want whatever it is that you want but you have a responsibility to give the other person a choice. You're taking her choice away from her by with holding this information. Please I get it, the sex isn't so great but she's great in other ways. You have to find someone that will give you both- loyalty and desire. You may never find it with her. Please set her free and tell her what you told us but in the most tactful way possible. Its gonna hurt but she needs to know.
Author jakeyjake Posted December 1, 2016 Author Posted December 1, 2016 Everyone's answers seem to be the same.. It does well sound as she isn't the one. And yes, she does deserve someone better. This might be a dumb question, but just HOW important is the sex and sexual attraction in a relationship?? I do feel bad that I have wasted these years of her life but I guess I thought that it was a phase and it would leave me system sooner or later. Thanks
Methodical Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 The emphasis placed on sexual attraction and compatibility are subjective, but IMO, it's paramount. You meet someone, they're intriguing, and a spark ignites. Unless the embers are stoked and fed, the spark smolders until it dies. Life is too short to settle and if your heart isn't skipping a beat now, it sure as hell won't be skipping a beat several years from now. One day you'll wake up and realize that there isn't one particular thing you can put your finger on, but the culmination of nuances and lack of attraction is slowly sucking the life out of you. At that point you'll most likely: A) Learn to live with it (and probably have a lot of regret and resentment) B) Seek counseling and hope things improve C) Cheat D) Divorce. This sounds harsh, but it's reality. 1
hestheone66 Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 Without sufficient nutrition we starve or can't be at our full potential. The only exception is if both parties don't value this sort of intimacy. Even if it's not complete sexual intercourse, just holding each other skin to skin without outside interruptions should be a daily occurrence and priority..if you are saying tjis person I love above all else...this should be a minimum and something that both look forward to.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 Let your girlfriend go. Sexual attraction is important in a relationship. It's another expression of love for our partners, and when you're seeking it elsewhere it's time to go. You can clearly see it's not a phase for you. End it now and set her free so she can find someone who loves her enough to commit and be honest with her.
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