Is he not attracted to me or am I overthinking?

[Mystyry]

I have been seeing a guy for the past several weeks. Everything is going well, for the most part, he says he is infatuated with me, constantly compliments me, tells me how attracted he is.

 

In practice, however, if I don't initiate a kiss, he won't. Same with sex. He says I make him nervous because of how much he likes me and because of how much I am out of his league. We also text a lot throughought the day, he tells me about every detail of his day, what he thinks and feels about all the events. These texts are cute sometimes, but rarely of a flirty nature, unless I initiate the flirting. I am typically not a big texter and not this early on. If I do text, it's brief to confirm plans or, you know, flirt here and there in-between dates. This is more of retelling of every routine task: ate, slept, saw a news program, made coffee, got mad at the neighbor - you get the picture. He rarely asks how my day is going, and frankly at the end of this daily exchange I don't even particularly feel like sharing.

 

He is also very involved with his friends, which is great. He is currently helping a friend through a personal issue. Again, I think this is fantastic, except he talks to me about this all the time. So our communication shifted from daily happenings to discussing this friend's issues. Now, I am not an insecure person, but I am beginning to feel like maybe it's more of a "buddy" relationship, than a romantic one. He behaves great when we are one-on-one, is affectionate, meaning cuddly, and focused on me. I just don't feel the same from the physical standpoint. I haven't found a way to bring this up. At this point, this has become enough of an issue to me, and an issue that I never had to deal with before, that I worry I will not find a constructive way to bring this up right now...Any suggestions would be appreciated...

Edited November 30, 2016 by Mystyry

[salparadise]

Now, I am not an insecure person, but I am beginning to feel like maybe it's more of a "buddy" relationship, than a romantic one. He behaves great when we are one-on-one, is affectionate, meaning cuddly, and focused on me. I just don't feel the same from the physical standpoint.

 

From the physical standpoint? I don't understand. You're talking about his communications being too buddy-like, but then say one-on-one things are fine, then that physically you don't feel the same.

 

I get the feeling that you want him to be more aggressive sexually, and talk less about mundane stuff. Is that it? If so, you might have to initiate some to set the tone and try and get him to pick up on it.

 

Men are so thoroughly conditioned to against being suggestive-aggressive that sometime they're afraid to cross that line, even though it's what women want. Of course it's possible that he just doesn't have it in him –– too shy and restrained to overcome, in which case you'll just have to make the call.

[Mystyry]

Thank you for feedback. Yeah, it's a bit along the lines of passive, but more so being in is grey area, where I am not sure if I am a friend or a partner.

 

I will try to explain. For example, he would be holding my hand, affectionate and telling me about his friends, past events, interspercing those with compliments for me, so it feels like he is present here with me. Him telling about himself would be great, except none of these stories are about him specifically, nothing deep anyway, just a stream of consciousness or somebody else's stories. None of his questions are about me, again nothing of the deeper get-to-know you variety. Then at the end of the night, if I don't initiate anything, he will say that he has an early morning and we'll part ways after some cuddling. I do agree that sometimes a woman needs to initiate, and/or show her preferences, but mine are not even in the agressive category. Some vanilla initiative would be good. With all of this he tells me how much he likes me, is attracted and thinking about me. On my end I feel a disconnect.

[winny]

I have been in similar situation and I think he just is lazy and doesn't feel the need to put an effort since he knows you will... Also might have low self esteem issues coz those people are scared of being turned down and would never initiate anything. Once when I didnt initiate stuff the guy and I went for 3 months without sex!!! I was so fed up of him.... When I told him I dont want to see him anymore his response was --- ok.

[jen1447]

What's the sex actually like? I ask that bc it could answer a lot of your questions about attraction.

 

Off the cuff I'd say it's more likely that he actually does worship you than that he's lukewarm. That can happen in ways that aren't just physical or sexual so it's conceivable he could worship you and not have it manifest physically so much.

[MarkIVSteel]

Considering, today's dating climate, I'm not surprised. Men are being told to not be sexually forward, to "be friends" first before dating, ask for consent every step of the way even when they want to change positions during sex. "Can I touch your hair? Can I touch your waist? Can I put you on the bed? Can I kids your forehead?"

 

Smh...

[Mystyry]

Winny, I thought about that too and can't decide if it's the lack of initiative, knowing I might, or that shyness/fear of rejection. Either way, it does not seem to be moving in the positive direction.

 

Jen, the sex is great when it happens, for both of us. I thought about the nervousness in that vein too, but expected this to pass by now. Yet it is not getting better, and I don't know how and if to bring it up.

 

Mark, I guess whatever works for different people. I agree with you, that style won't be my preference either.

[kendahke]

I have been seeing a guy for the past several weeks. Everything is going well, for the most part, he says he is infatuated with me, constantly compliments me, tells me how attracted he is.

 

In practice, however, if I don't initiate a kiss, he won't. Same with sex. He says I make him nervous because of how much he likes me and because of how much I am out of his league. We also text a lot throughought the day, he tells me about every detail of his day, what he thinks and feels about all the events. These texts are cute sometimes, but rarely of a flirty nature, unless I initiate the flirting. I am typically not a big texter and not this early on. If I do text, it's brief to confirm plans or, you know, flirt here and there in-between dates. This is more of retelling of every routine task: ate, slept, saw a news program, made coffee, got mad at the neighbor - you get the picture. He rarely asks how my day is going, and frankly at the end of this daily exchange I don't even particularly feel like sharing.

 

He is also very involved with his friends, which is great. He is currently helping a friend through a personal issue. Again, I think this is fantastic, except he talks to me about this all the time. So our communication shifted from daily happenings to discussing this friend's issues. Now, I am not an insecure person, but I am beginning to feel like maybe it's more of a "buddy" relationship, than a romantic one. He behaves great when we are one-on-one, is affectionate, meaning cuddly, and focused on me. I just don't feel the same from the physical standpoint. I haven't found a way to bring this up. At this point, this has become enough of an issue to me, and an issue that I never had to deal with before, that I worry I will not find a constructive way to bring this up right now...Any suggestions would be appreciated...

 

I don't think it's an even trade when on the one hand, he's telling you he's infatuated with you, etc., but on the other hand, he isn't interested in your life--yet seems to be under the impression you're hanging on every word about his friends and the tedious minutiae of his day.

 

If he believes you are out of his league and that you make him nervous, then he doesn't have the requisite confidence in himself to be able to take command of a relationship situation. The cutesy-inept bumbling act is going to get really old, really fast.

 

It might be time to stop being "polite" and to start telling him what you need from him. While it's still early days, it's also the time you need to start checking certain things while they're still forming and can be addressed easily. Letting how he proceeds with you carry on for longer will mean you have no problem with how he treats you and he will less likely to want to change tack.

 

If you're not feeling the same from a physical standpoint, it's better to end this sooner than later.

[Standard-Fare]

Skipping over the sexual issues to his communication style:

 

I think this is just the guy's personality and what he wants out of a relationship — frequent contact, the sharing of the many mundane details of his day. (In fact, it makes me think about how lonely he must be when he's NOT in a relationship and has to keep all this stuff to himself.)

 

However, I assume he thinks you LIKE this, that you're on the same page, so that's encouraged him to indulge.

 

So if it's actually starting to annoy you, I think you should gently suggest that he ease up some. Just express the message of: "I hope your expectations of our texting correspondence don't get too high, because I simply can't keep up. I don't want to be glued to my phone all day."

[Mystyry]

Kendahke, thank you. Your message is spot on and sums up what I have been feeling. You are right that I should start talking about some of this openly to see if it changes. Thanks again, very helpful.

 

Standard-Fare, yes, I definitely need to do that, thank you for suggestions. While it is not my primary qualm here (if I felt more of focused in-person communication/attention, the overtexting might bug me less?), but nonetheless it is a concern and might be a first step towards improvement or more open commuciation.

[travelbug1996]

Stop initiating things with him and see what happens. Is he DATING you? Actually asking you out properly and taking you places. How long did you wait before sex? You seem to be sort of casual about him as well.