I'm a cheater and I want to amend my ways

[dreamingoftigers]

Look man, you need help and you need her help most of all, without telling her. It's very difficult.

 

Your communication is going to be a delicate thing. Duh! She is trusting you and her happiness is based on what she thinks about you but you actually aren't ! Dude,if it was me, my heart would break every time I saw her smile at me!

 

Well, good luck. Cheating on someone who trusts you and has done nothing but loved you ... what can I say?

 

Take it to grave if you can and don't ruin her further.

 

That's a terrible thing to do to anyone. My husband tried but I kept pushing for a polygraph. Otherwise he would have tried to rugsweep too. It was showing up in me in nightmares and physical symptoms. It was HELL.

[dreamingoftigers]

I am not justifying what I did nor looking to find excuses for that.

I also don't agree with your approach as if our lives cant be based on honesty.

 

I will say it again - if I don't mend my ways then you're right, I should tell her and face an atomic consequence probably starts with the word D.

However if I can improve and put this behind me for good then I don't see Amy reason or benefit in telling...!

She deserves happiness, that's what she deserves before anything else, whether Im good for it or god forbid not is up to me, and I do want to mend my ways permanently.

 

Your addiction thrives in secrecy.

 

And frankly, it is Hell on your partner whether your realize it or not.

[Sweetfish]

Look man, you need help and you need her help most of all, without telling her. It's very difficult.

 

Your communication is going to be a delicate thing. Duh! She is trusting you and her happiness is based on what she thinks about you but you actually aren't ! Dude,if it was me, my heart would break every time I saw her smile at me!

 

Well, good luck. Cheating on someone who trusts you and has done nothing but loved you ... what can I say?

 

Take it to grave if you can and don't ruin her further.

 

 

OP I ADVISE you read the threads in LS were women/men have caught or know their husband/wife is addicted to porn or has cheated and watch the advise you hear here is totally opposite of the advise in this thread.

 

That is why I don't sugar coated my responses...

 

Telling her the full details... is like telling a judge you stolen something and you did it for the thrill and thought you were smarter than everyone and now I'm being symptatic because I got caught and learned my lesson.

 

Now if you stole and didnt get caught and felt remorse and never do it again.. do you turn your self in? Depends.

 

Depends on your ethics and values.

Depends on the severity.

In a country were they cut off a hand for stealing... would you admit then?

 

If my wife/gf screwed up and fixed the issue and I never knew about it.. I rather it be that way. Because I know from that point forward she would be scorned and would have to move mountains to regain my trust.

 

Some how ppl think this world is a process of checks and balances. That all good deeds are rewarded and all bad deeds are punished. I'm not condoning bad behavior, but at critical points you need to do what's best for the family. If indeed you feel the situation is deep rooted issue and you really feel your a "Nice guy" at heart.. I would downgrade this to porn addiction if you have to tell her and this gives you a pass to seek help and she will support you..

 

If you say you went to see an escort while she was pregnant... you are done.. even if you were just in the room an exchanged hellos. Your done.

 

OP does your wife not fullfill your desires and have you read no more Mr nice guy? I highly advise. HIGHLY for this situation.

Edited November 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[burnt]

While there are so many comments about "should you tell your wife or not" and "whether seeing an escort is cheating or not", "will the truth hurt your wife or not"...

 

There is a glaring issue in YOUR marriage.

Despite what culture you are from, and despite what religion you follow, you are biologically a human being, and such, you have physical needs. In all your posts, at no point do I see a mention of whether YOUR needs are being met.

 

This is not a respectful marriage, when you cheat on your partner;

but this is not a respectful marriage either, when your partner unilaterally decides how you should ejaculate, based on her views only, completely disregarding your sexual needs.

 

Your needs have been suppressed, suppressed, suppressed, suppressed, suppressed...

Of course you lost self control. Not once, but twice.

 

Based on your post, I don't see an "addiction" problem--I see a problem with you and your wife failing to communicate openly and honestly about what each person needs from this marriage.

 

Her needs has been met wonderfully in this marriage.

What about yours?

 

On a final note, since you have been reading up so much on this subject, may I suggest that you read up a little about masturbation? It's not a sinful thing, it's a perfectly normal human thing.

[ShatteredLady]

What do other people in your culture do?

 

I don't consider a woman not having sex whilst going through a certain stage in pregnancy "denying his needs". I was even TOLD by a doctor to avoid sex whilst on bedrest with my first. My husband didn't go to a hooker!! Most don't!

 

Being from the same culture as your wife do you think you would of even considered "Your Needs" if you hadn't been watching pornography? Has pornography created a 'culture clash' here?

[Popsicle]

Go on and tell her. She'll stay with you anyway.

[Iamlostin]

To me, life is about choices. And when you choose the behavior, you chose the consequences.

 

You chose a moment of satisfaction (instant gratification) over the well being and security of your wife and your family. That's the bottom line.

 

Hello.

I decided to comment on this because this is a particularly interesting situation you have here. I fully agree with Bailey B as I quoted above. Life is about choices, and you are the one that ultimately makes it and must deal with the consequences whether they are good or bad.

 

Here's the thing...

This is solely an issue on communication. Hence, thats the thing you are most afraid of at this point. I've learned in my past relationships, communication is the KEY to a healthy relationship.

 

Communication is the WHOLE heart of the problem. Here are some questions I'd like you to think about..

-Have you ever spoken to your wife about being interested TOGETHER watching porn?

-If she is not for it then can you two talk about BOTH of your sexual needs?

-If you can repeat this behavior more than once, can you really be sure you won't do this again? The answer to that is NO.

 

In all honesty, I believe the next time you'll need a "fix" and cannot satisfy it you will resort to some outlet. Everybody needs some sort of gratification. However, that gratification should be from your wife, and not someone else.

 

But, to me it's appearing that she has a specific idea of what she considers proper and pleasurable sexual intercourse which conflicts with the kind of things you would like. That too is the problem, and that is where the communication comes in.

 

Because you have done this two times it is either like you have mentioned it is an addiction, or that you just would like some more sexual attention. I don't think you have an addiction, I believe you would like more sexual attention. Whether people will agree or not, men feel like "men" when they are given sexual attention, they feel wanted, not compromised. (while I DO NOT agree on cheating whats so ever I know people who have cheated out of that reason only, not because they don't love their partner, however it is still wrong and does not justify it.)

 

Cheating is not acceptable when an act of momentary gratification that puts your lifetime of happiness with your family at risk. All of this can simply be avoided by communicating. You might be able to find there is a even ground between the two of you, start small and build up.

 

However, the bottom line is, you're never gonna know until you REALLY speak to her, and right there was your fault. She does not have to agree with you but know that you atleast have put your voice out there to be heard.

 

From here you can either decide to communicate your feelings (up to you whether you decide to tell her about the mishaps), continue what you're doing and not tell her, or before communicating to her speak to a therapist and get some guidance there.

 

BOTTOM BOTTOM LINE

There's gonna be one of two outcomes from talking....she will either be open to it or will reject it....from there you have two options you can either accept and deal with it, or rethink your marriage because cheating and being with other women is NOT the answer, you're already doing a disservice already to yourself and your family...its time to get it together. Marriage takes two and love, communication, sex, and trust is alllll involved.

 

Best of Luck.

Please let me know how it goes.

[IamACheater2017]

OP I ADVISE you read the threads in LS were women/men have caught or know their husband/wife is addicted to porn or has cheated and watch the advise you hear here is totally opposite of the advise in this thread.

 

That is why I don't sugar coated my responses...

 

Telling her the full details... is like telling a judge you stolen something and you did it for the thrill and thought you were smarter than everyone and now I'm being symptatic because I got caught and learned my lesson.

 

Now if you stole and didnt get caught and felt remorse and never do it again.. do you turn your self in? Depends.

 

Depends on your ethics and values.

Depends on the severity.

In a country were they cut off a hand for stealing... would you admit then?

 

If my wife/gf screwed up and fixed the issue and I never knew about it.. I rather it be that way. Because I know from that point forward she would be scorned and would have to move mountains to regain my trust.

 

Some how ppl think this world is a process of checks and balances. That all good deeds are rewarded and all bad deeds are punished. I'm not condoning bad behavior, but at critical points you need to do what's best for the family. If indeed you feel the situation is deep rooted issue and you really feel your a "Nice guy" at heart.. I would downgrade this to porn addiction if you have to tell her and this gives you a pass to seek help and she will support you..

 

If you say you went to see an escort while she was pregnant... you are done.. even if you were just in the room an exchanged hellos. Your done.

 

OP does your wife not fullfill your desires and have you read no more Mr nice guy? I highly advise. HIGHLY for this situation.

 

Thanks for understanding my position, Sweetfish.

I definitely agree with everything you said here and I take/agree with your approach for sure - that telling her is one big mistake - but on the same time if I find myself "cheating" on her again then something is wrong and I can't live in a lie anymore ... it's not justifying the first 2 times, it's just recognizing that we must work it out together and it doesn't need to evolve around the use of the name "escorts" but simply on sexual needs, whenever it arises (right now I lost my sexual needs for the time being, I just don't feel like I want anything because of what I did, I wish I could take this feeling and use it whenever I need to).

 

You said:

"I would downgrade this to porn addiction if you have to tell her and this gives you a pass to seek help and she will support you.."

 

I have to make something clear here - yes, I agree with this - but on the same time "porn addiction" is wrong, it is leading to troubles - if I can remain faithful to my wife without porn then I know not 99% but 100000% that escorts are never going to be a problem in our lives ever again ...

 

As much as porn sounds more lenient - it's the devil, I don't know how to explain it - if anyone has ever been addicted to something you would know that 1 bit from that something would kill you - gambling is the same, porn is the same ... but those industries get a free pass because our society thinks in some ways I cannot understand. Porn is bad, period.

 

Anyway - sweetfish - I totally agree - telling her is wrong, you gave very good and justified reasons "would have to move mountains" - it's not good for the family so long as this is definitely the last stop or a beginning of proper communication as you all so far agreed whether telling or not.

 

PS be back shortly to read/respond for the others, thanks for the suggestions so far.

[BetrayedH]

"Taking it to the grave" means lying to your wife everyday for the rest of your life. Your "great" marriage will be nothing but a sham. Everytime she says she loves you, you'll know it's only because you are a liar about who you really are. And everytime you say you love her, you'll know you really care about protecting yourself more. Everytime your friends comment on what a great marriage you have, or when your wife says what a great husband you are, you'll know it's only because you are perpetrating a fraud.

 

There will always be a wall between you, built by your lies and deception. It will preclude real intimacy because you will always hold something back and never truly communicate with her.

 

Your wife will only be with you because you've tricked her into staying with you. She deserves to make her own informed decision about what to do with her life, not to have your obviously poor and selfish judgment deciding what she gets to know. She has only one life to live and you will have stolen it.

 

Give her the truth about her life and the respect to allow her to decide how to live it. Who said you get to decide if she will forgive your betrayal? If you confess and are truly remorseful, perhaps she will forgive you. And perhaps you would deserve that forgiveness. Keep lying and she deserves to catch you in it.

[Lady2163]

It sounds like you and probably your wife need to get some counseling/feedback from a religious person of your faith.

 

Your needs aren't being met. This has the potential to cause continued stress.

 

Don't try to fix it by yourself.

 

Oh - and I'm female. I use porn only when I masturbate. I can orgasm without it, but for me it is quicker if I use it. Masturbation is an infrequent release for me.

[benpom]

Any advice? Any ideas? I'm really broken.

 

1. Why don't you do it yourself? Why do you need an escort?

 

2. My advice is to find something else in life you feel passionate about, like a hobby. It's natural for a person to crave for something good, hence the addiction. The cure is find something better to replace something good. That something better is your passion in life, like a cause or a venture or something bigger, something that makes your life meaningful.

[IamACheater2017]

While there are so many comments about "should you tell your wife or not" and "whether seeing an escort is cheating or not", "will the truth hurt your wife or not"...

 

There is a glaring issue in YOUR marriage.

Despite what culture you are from, and despite what religion you follow, you are biologically a human being, and such, you have physical needs. In all your posts, at no point do I see a mention of whether YOUR needs are being met.

 

This is not a respectful marriage, when you cheat on your partner;

but this is not a respectful marriage either, when your partner unilaterally decides how you should ejaculate, based on her views only, completely disregarding your sexual needs.

 

Your needs have been suppressed, suppressed, suppressed, suppressed, suppressed...

Of course you lost self control. Not once, but twice.

 

Based on your post, I don't see an "addiction" problem--I see a problem with you and your wife failing to communicate openly and honestly about what each person needs from this marriage.

 

Her needs has been met wonderfully in this marriage.

What about yours?

 

On a final note, since you have been reading up so much on this subject, may I suggest that you read up a little about masturbation? It's not a sinful thing, it's a perfectly normal human thing.

 

That's a good point you raised there.

Do I feel like my needs are met? Financially, physically (not sexually) - nothing can be greater than where things stand, I talk to my wife on many issues and we do have open communication - she's more of a frugal person and I'm the opposite but it works perfectly, I learned a lot how to save, every month when I get my salary I save almost $100 thanks to her for noticing a few things that I didn't notice myself - nothing's wrong with that, I don't mind saving.

 

Now, you mentioned sexual needs "have been suppressed, suppressed, suppressed, suppressed ......"

 

I'm not looking for anyone to blame but there were so many occasions in the morning when she puts on make up and getting dressed and I told her she's pretty and on very few days I wanted just to get a "relief" but there is no way she's allowing me - if she's in a rush to work, that's fine, but sometimes it's when the baby is still asleep and she's definitely not late to work and yes, I did find myself having to suppress my sexual needs at that time - it was frustrating when I think about it - but someone already mentioned in this thread she's not to blame but myself.

 

I think we definitely need to talk about it - we might be talking about everything in life except for this, so to anyone who mentioned it - yes, you've nailed it ... I am not sure how to approach her now on this topic, I wish I could just approach her with 100% clean history but life ain't perfect, I have to make amends from here and see where this leads to, maybe this communication can help.

[IamACheater2017]

What do other people in your culture do?

 

I don't consider a woman not having sex whilst going through a certain stage in pregnancy "denying his needs". I was even TOLD by a doctor to avoid sex whilst on bedrest with my first. My husband didn't go to a hooker!! Most don't!

 

Being from the same culture as your wife do you think you would of even considered "Your Needs" if you hadn't been watching pornography? Has pornography created a 'culture clash' here?

 

We are both against watching porn, doing it together is also wrong, I am also against it so none of us supports the notion of watching porn.

 

You were asking:

Has pornography created a 'culture clash' here?

 

No, it has created a world where I look at other women instead of my wife, see them naked or do other things in front of a camera - this is wrong ... you said "Most dont!" - most don't go to hookers - but do most people watch porn?

 

I do blame myself for this but I also do blame the porn industry for making us, men, treat women like objects - I do think the root of what I did is coming from these videos, I am absolutely 100% sure of it ... if I hadn't watched these videos I would have never gotten into this - but again, not playing the blame game - just express my thoughts about porn.

 

And I wasn't like that 3 days ago ... before then I looked at webcams as something that I should avoid but if it happens - it happens ... now I look at it with much more despise - it's destroying families, I'm 100% sure of it now.

[IamACheater2017]

"Taking it to the grave" means lying to your wife everyday for the rest of your life. Your "great" marriage will be nothing but a sham. Everytime she says she loves you, you'll know it's only because you are a liar about who you really are. And everytime you say you love her, you'll know you really care about protecting yourself more. Everytime your friends comment on what a great marriage you have, or when your wife says what a great husband you are, you'll know it's only because you are perpetrating a fraud.

 

There will always be a wall between you, built by your lies and deception. It will preclude real intimacy because you will always hold something back and never truly communicate with her.

 

Your wife will only be with you because you've tricked her into staying with you. She deserves to make her own informed decision about what to do with her life, not to have your obviously poor and selfish judgment deciding what she gets to know. She has only one life to live and you will have stolen it.

 

Give her the truth about her life and the respect to allow her to decide how to live it. Who said you get to decide if she will forgive your betrayal? If you confess and are truly remorseful, perhaps she will forgive you. And perhaps you would deserve that forgiveness. Keep lying and she deserves to catch you in it.

 

Okay, here are few things for you:

 

1) Read post #28.

 

2) Read post #28.

 

3) Read post #28.

 

4) If I will never repeat what I've done and change myself completely (and that STARTS with porn - some of you treat porn as "okay") - then our lives won't be a sham. If for the rest of our lives our sex communication would be open then we won't live in a lie.

 

Telling her is giving up on the marriage, breaking her heart, breaking her lives into pieces, tearing her soul apart and slapping her from side to side endlessly, that's what telling her would do - do I think she or I want it? no. Why bring fire into it? You drop an atomic bomb as last resort.

 

You're too quick to judge in my opinion, read post #28.

[IamACheater2017]

Why don't you do it yourself? Why do you need an escort?

 

I never told her when I did it myself, except for a few occasions where she felt annoyed knowing I did it myself - she's not so close minded as maybe it's portrayed here, I know my wife a little bit ...

 

She's against wasting sperm so masturbation for her is not okay. She's against me ejaculating not inside her in general, except for rare occasions where she was okay doing it in the shower - and I think I went into very private details between us, but I only do it because it's an anonymous forum.

 

By nature she is feeling a bit disgusted from the sperm itself, she's not used to it, she was a virgin when we got married, so we definitely never tried to take a step up except for a very few occasions.

 

So to answer your question - I don't mind respecting my wife and don't do it myself alone (and definitely not with an escort) but it looks/sounds like both of us need to talk about this ..

 

We don't have lots of time to talk during weekdays because the baby requires some attention and then it's dark and everyone's tired but we will find the time and talk, I know we have to, looks like some of you were pointing a very good point about it.

[burnt]

I do blame myself for this but I also do blame the porn industry for making us, men, treat women like objects - I do think the root of what I did is coming from these videos, I am absolutely 100% sure of it ... if I hadn't watched these videos I would have never gotten into this - but again, not playing the blame game - just express my thoughts about porn.

 

And I wasn't like that 3 days ago ... before then I looked at webcams as something that I should avoid but if it happens - it happens ... now I look at it with much more despise - it's destroying families, I'm 100% sure of it now.

 

You are playing an incredibly dangerous mind game with your own mind.

Your problem is NOT the porn industry or the sex toy industry or the sex trafficking industry. The root of your problem lies in you feeling dissatisfied with your own sex-life with your wife.

 

The viewable porn industry existed since home videos started up, but only became so quickly available since the dawn of internet--and how long are we talking about? only about 30 or so years. Women have been treated like sex objects for the entire human history, not the last 30 years.

 

I am not trying to get into a discussion about the porn industry history, but back to the main point--the longer you continue to see the source of the problem as something external to your marriage, the longer you are delaying dealing with the actual root of the problem.

 

You think that if you didn't watch the videos, then you wouldn't have gotten into this entire mess.

Well, think back--why did you watch the videos in the first place? Why did you feel the urge to watch those videos in the first place? Perhaps because you were sexually frustrated? And why is that? Perhaps because the source of the frustration originated from the marriage itself?

 

In an earlier post, you mentioned how wonderfully you two function together, financially and in other aspects, except for when it comes to sex.

May I ask what "marriage" is? The glue that defines a marriage is a sexual relationship. Yes, you need a wonderful friendship to sustain the relationship, but when the intimacy and the communication part of the marriage become incompatible, it's just a matter of time the entire relationship falls to pieces.

 

The way you are blaming yourself and blaming the porn industry is almost to the point of self-indulgence. It's wonderful for your morals that you are loathing yourself for doing the wrong here, but that won't solve your problem. You DO need to recognize that the way you AND your wife BOTH are interacting with each other is causing the source of your frustration.

 

The root of the problem originated because BOTH you and your wife lack the open communication and understanding of the other person's needs. So, any solution MUST include BOTH of you to contribute to finding a mutually reasonable plan.

 

You two really should see a counselor, a third party, to help you learn how to communicate about such sensitive matters.

[IamACheater2017]

Well, think back--why did you watch the videos in the first place? Why did you feel the urge to watch those videos in the first place? Perhaps because you were sexually frustrated? And why is that? Perhaps because the source of the frustration originated from the marriage itself?

 

The root of the problem originated because BOTH you and your wife lack the open communication and understanding of the other person's needs. So, any solution MUST include BOTH of you to contribute to finding a mutually reasonable plan.

 

 

You've nailed it, you've defined the root of the problem, and I agree.

 

However, I have to add that previously whenever I felt sexually frustrated I just used webcams/porn behind my wife's back and told myself "I have no choice but to do it this way".

 

This time I am not willing to allow myself to go through that route, and it doesn't need to evolve around the ethical values (if any) of the porn industry - for me personally - using cheap and easy access to watch other girls online - dissuaded me from doing the right thing.

 

The right thing = the root of the problem = talk to my wife.

 

I understand the root of the problem.

But in order for me to have 1000%+ full energy/stamina however you call it to talk to my wife, to make sure we're going to openly talk about it and take it seriously - is by allowing me only to "resolve" any sexual frustration or distress with her, and with her only.

 

So whilst I don't know if the porn industry should be blamed for my troubles or not - it definitely interrupted and damaged my path to do the right thing.

 

It's like a gambler who keeps on gambling - once his wife takes access to money - he can finally do the right thing. Similarly, watching porn prevents you from doing the right thing.

[BaileyB]

The porn industry is definitely not to blame for the fact that you cheated on your wife. MANY people watch prom, and hardly any of these people cheat on their spouse. There is no link between the two.

 

You are sexually frustrated. Your wife is not meeting your sexual needs - because of personal, cultural, religious beliefs - for whatever reason, she is not meeting your needs. You need to talk with her or the frustration will grow and you will be at risk to do it again.

 

I do not believe that it is an addiction. I believe that the decision to cheat on your wife was a decision. You need to responsibility for that - don't blame the porn industry, or even your wife. Don't compare it to gambling and say if only you could take away the porn or if only your wife did something different... You made a conscious decision to go to that escort and you made a conscious decision to let her touch you.

 

You are very capable of making another decision. Its about honesty, integrity, and personal responsibility.

Edited December 1, 2016 by BaileyB

[BetrayedH]

Okay, here are few things for you:

 

1) Read post #28.

 

2) Read post #28.

 

3) Read post #28.

 

4) If I will never repeat what I've done and change myself completely (and that STARTS with porn - some of you treat porn as "okay") - then our lives won't be a sham. If for the rest of our lives our sex communication would be open then we won't live in a lie.

 

Telling her is giving up on the marriage, breaking her heart, breaking her lives into pieces, tearing her soul apart and slapping her from side to side endlessly, that's what telling her would do - do I think she or I want it? no. Why bring fire into it? You drop an atomic bomb as last resort.

 

You're too quick to judge in my opinion, read post #28.

 

I have read post 28, and many, many others.

 

The betrayal (the nuke that you keep referring to) was in visiting the escorts, not in the telling of it.

 

You told yourself that you wouldn't do it again after the first time. In fact, you painted quite the picture of how regretful you were. But you did it again anyway. And now here you are expressing your regret once again. And you have found yet another justification for keeping it from your wife (while you sit here and talk about how much you will be communicating with her).

 

The key problem here is not your wife or porn but that you are conflict-avoidant. You chose to avoid the conflict with your wife instead of honestly communicating about it. And you are about to repeat that behavior.

[BaileyB]

 

So whilst I don't know if the porn industry should be blamed for my troubles or not - it definitely interrupted and damaged my path to do the right thing.

 

It's like a gambler who keeps on gambling - once his wife takes access to money - he can finally do the right thing. Similarly, watching porn prevents you from doing the right thing.

 

This kind of thinking is so wrong. When you say this, it is a justification, it makes you the victim, and it absolves you of responsibility for the decisions that you make. And that is just, so wrong.

Edited December 1, 2016 by BaileyB

[benpom]

Your biggest problem seems to be communication -- the classic problem.

[mikeylo]

What was your life like , before you got married ? You've been married for only 3 years. That would be saying a lot about your present.

[afoolto no end]

I don't think the problem is communication you cannot just tell her you want more sex, she is obviously not feeling the need to fill that need for you, this tells me that you must not fill her needs the right way, if you did she would want to fill that need and enjoy it herself......because she was a virgin and has no experience she has no idea how to fill that need....

Lots of cultures have their own views but maintain a good sex life inside their marriages.....You need to figure out what she needs to feel totally in love with you, It sounds like it may be the case for her........it's not about the needs you want to fill for her it's what she needs, this is a problem in a lot of young marriages. You have to listen to her and do it her way, usually couples fill a lot of emotional needs for the other and differs per person which ones are the most important.

conversation(not work talk or baby talk, intimate talk about your life together your feelings), recreational companionship(date night), affection(not sexual), family support, financial support, sexual fulfilment, find out which are most important to her and ask her how she wants that to happen.

Life is about connection not just going through the motions of what is expected of us......without that connection the right way things like this will happen.

You need to stop using the porn as an excuse and a cop out and start maning up.

If you put the effort you waste on the porn crap and all the thinking about it into your wife your relationship with her your life would be so much more fulfilling.

I think its a connection issue......

women want sex if their needs are met the right way.......you have to learn what she needs, you can't just guess or do what you think she needs, you will get that wrong ......

think about it........

stop blaming something else or someone else this is your job to figure out

[IamACheater2017]

 

The key problem here is not your wife or porn but that you are conflict-avoidant. You chose to avoid the conflict with your wife instead of honestly communicating about it. And you are about to repeat that behavior.

 

That's why porn is the key problem - and I will refer to it in a sec.

 

This kind of thinking is so wrong. When you say this, it is a justification, it makes you the victim, and it absolves you of responsibility for the decisions that you make. And that is just, so wrong.

 

No, you're wrong.

I am not blaming the porn industry. I am blaming myself.

 

If you guys justify watching porn so be it - but I am not.

I don't justify porn and I don't want to have it in my life ever again.

I've never felt despise towards porn before - but I know I'm touching the root of the problem.

 

The root of the problem is a combination of everything discussed so far - not speaking with my wife, not sex-communicating - and part of this lack of communication came from watching porn - because when you satisfy yourself elsewhere (elsewhere = virtually or physically) you lose the will and energy to talk/discuss/communicate about whatever you need with your partner.

 

I think you guys either understand only the bits you want to understand or believe porn is an innocent thing - either way I disagree on that 100%.

[IamACheater2017]

What was your life like , before you got married ? You've been married for only 3 years. That would be saying a lot about your present.

 

Not sure I understand the question ...