Is my relationship repairable?

[enzo1994]

I've been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years but we were very close friends before that for 6 years.

 

He is one of the most amazing men I have ever met. He is caring, understanding and loving and in the beginning of the relationship he was everything a girl could ever want. There was a problem that before him, I had dated someone else who I was madly in love with, and he left me.

 

My current boyfriend realised he was in love with me whilst I was dating him and when we broke up he wanted to wait for me to heal and see if we could be together. We ended up dating however I was always honest with him and sometimes told him I still had feelings for my ex. He was always understanding about this and put my emotions over his. Even listening to me talk about the past would hurt him but he would do it just for my benefit.

 

Anyway that's all over now and I'm completely over my ex. However because of all of that happened, I guess over time he started holding a bit of resentment towards me because of what happened. He always says "how can you do that to someone who was so loving to you" etc. However, at the time he always made me feel like I could be comfortable to talk about those things because he was always so supportive about it.

 

So, because of this resentment, he started to change as a boyfriend. He still loves me and like we have a great connection but he doesn't put as much effort in messaging, meeting as often or calling as he used to. So as a cycle goes, I started to get annoyed at him for doing this and changing.

 

I have a bit of a short temper where I say things I don't mean and get over things very fast though. One day, I got very upset because I thought he didn't wanna see me and lashed out and called him poor (I know this is so so so wrong). He has a history of hard financial hardship due to divorced parents and alot of other factors. But he works very hard and I will never care about his money. I just simply said it out of the spur of the moment because I got mad.

 

He was so hurt.. I hurt him alot by saying that. But he said he forgave me a few days later but the quality of the relationship went even worse then before.

He told me he would meet me 50/50 to make the relationship as great as it was again and he never wants to be with someone else. But we kept having petty arguments because he wasn't putting in as much effort at all. We decided to take a 2 week break. He said he wanted the break to completely forgive me from everything I have done during the relationship so we can start fresh.

 

After the two week break, which i missed him so much in and really realised how much i want it to work.. he said he missed me alot but he can't be with someone who has a temper like myself. The main thing he says is that over the last few months, he lost his job, his dad has been stealing money from him and alot of stuff has been going on- and i was the one person who should've been there but instead i called him poor. And he says why i couldn't provide him with the same courtesy that he did when I still had feelings for my ex.

 

He said he put my emotions over his and now that he was going through a difficult time, I should've understood he doesnt msg, txt and meet up as much cos he's not himself and I should'nt have ever gotten mad about any of it.

 

I told him I will work on my anger every day and prove to him that I will put his emotions over mine. So thats what is happening currently however I feel like I'm going insane. Every morning i send him positive affirmations to make him have a great day and get his emotional health back up. I'm really trying. And I can see he appreciatesit. He told me he's been feeling better since we've been speaking positively again.. but hes just not caring about me at all and its putting me in severe anxiety. He doesn't msg good night most nights. Maybe itll be like 2 or 3 texts per day. And I just don't want to lash out. I'm holding so much in I just wish I could get him to trust me again.

 

What should i do guys? thank you so much if you took ur time to read this. I really appreciate it.

[Sunkissedpatio]

The biggest mistake you could make is make your current boyfriend a sounding board for unfinished emotional baggage you have with a past man.

 

The biggest mistake your man made was thinking he could fall in love with you and counsel you through your unfinished emotions of your past breakup.

 

 

It sounds like he has too much resentment built up about giving too much and now that the blinding googles or the honeymoon phase are off he is seeing what you confided in him as a threat.

[Sweetfish]

After the breakup... guarantee his friends, ppl online, the Internet convinced him being loving and caring pushes away women or at minimum brought up his confidence enough that you've been devalued and pushed off your pedestal. so why would he go back to being loving and caring to only face the pain again... Pavlov's dogs knew if they did wrong they would be punished, so yes he is in his right to protect his feelings because he associates his kindness to you as future punishment now.

 

The question is how much do you value him and what are you willing to do to get him back? Who is to say you won't leave him again?

 

You could barely admit in your post you left him? You say we broke up. So was it a mutual breakup?

 

I agree with sunpotato. He screwed up for being an emotional dumpster and now your left being a dumpee, a dumper, and soon a dumpee again... I suggest you do no contact and really think if you just want to be in a relationship or you want to be with this guy? It may take a couple of months to get your answer.

[enzo1994]

I agree, I know his friends, people online etc would've "pushed me off my pedestal".

 

We didn't actually break up. It was just a break (NC) to get some breathing space as we had been arguing about the same thing over and over (him not being able to be as loving towards me).

 

He said he would use the No contact to forgive me for everything in the past. But i guess in the two weeks he would've done a lot of thinking and realised how unfair I have been to him. Now he wants me to fix his trust in me. I know he doesn't want either of us to leave. He wants to make this work and he loves me a lot.

 

We have 6 years of a great friendship before we started dating and thats why we feel like we value each other a lot. I value him so so so much. I want to do anything to get him to trust me again but as i said I just feel severely anxious when he isn't as good to me as he used to be.

 

Do you think its possible to get his trust back if I just remain patient and prove to him that I'm willing to give him the same courtesy as he gave me. (As in help him through his difficult periods in life like he did with me).

 

I never actually told him I was still in love with my ex. I wasn't. I was very much in love with him just sometimes I would miss my ex and my bf was always so happy to listen as he said " we were friends for 6 years first, we should feel comfortable to talk about these things". If i knew he would resent me for it later I would've never done it.

[enzo1994]

 

It sounds like he has too much resentment built up about giving too much and now that the blinding googles or the honeymoon phase are off he is seeing what you confided in him as a threat.

 

I 100% agree with this. Seems very likely this is what's happened.

 

How do you think I can repair this? He wants me to prove to him. He doesn't want me to leave he's told me this numerous times. How should I try get his trust and love for me as high as it used to be?

[enzo1994]

After the breakup... guarantee his friends, ppl online, the Internet convinced him being loving and caring pushes away women or at minimum brought up his confidence enough that you've been devalued and pushed off your pedestal. so why would he go back to being loving and caring to only face the pain again... Pavlov's dogs knew if they did wrong they would be punished, so yes he is in his right to protect his feelings because he associates his kindness to you as future punishment now.

 

The question is how much do you value him and what are you willing to do to get him back? Who is to say you won't leave him again?

 

You could barely admit in your post you left him? You say we broke up. So was it a mutual breakup?

 

I agree with sunpotato. He screwed up for being an emotional dumpster and now your left being a dumpee, a dumper, and soon a dumpee again... I suggest you do no contact and really think if you just want to be in a relationship or you want to be with this guy? It may take a couple of months to get your answer.

I agree, I know his friends, people online etc would've "pushed me off my pedestal".

 

We didn't actually break up. It was just a break (NC) to get some breathing space as we had been arguing about the same thing over and over (him not being able to be as loving towards me).

 

He said he would use the No contact to forgive me for everything in the past. But i guess in the two weeks he would've done a lot of thinking and realised how unfair I have been to him. Now he wants me to fix his trust in me. I know he doesn't want either of us to leave. He wants to make this work and he loves me a lot.

 

We have 6 years of a great friendship before we started dating and thats why we feel like we value each other a lot. I value him so so so much. I want to do anything to get him to trust me again but as i said I just feel severely anxious when he isn't as good to me as he used to be.

 

Do you think its possible to get his trust back if I just remain patient and prove to him that I'm willing to give him the same courtesy as he gave me. (As in help him through his difficult periods in life like he did with me).

 

I never actually told him I was still in love with my ex. I wasn't. I was very much in love with him just sometimes I would miss my ex and my bf was always so happy to listen as he said " we were friends for 6 years first, we should feel comfortable to talk about these things". If i knew he would resent me for it later I would've never done it.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You have to give it time and you have to be consistent. Above and beyond making the mistake of trusting him with your feelings about your ex you really need to get a hold on how you react when you are angry with him. You can turn this back if he is open. But if it is making you this anxious is it really worth it?

 

You see when we say things in anger that we don't mean the seed of doubt is planted. You may very well go over to the dark side when angry, and say things you absolutely don't mean but that's irrelevant because once you put those things out there you might as well mean them as far as he is concerned.

 

You will need a lot of patience, you will need to show him you can stop the name calling or whatever you do when you get angry and most of all you will need to learn to self-soothe. When he is not as loving as he use to be you are going to have to trust that he is working at getting to that good place again and you can't let your guard down.

 

It's very difficult to do because it creates a vacuum of resentment that you will have to learn to manage. Every time you do something hoping for a certain outcome if it doesn't pan out then you will end up resenting him more. So the answer is not as easy as sending him positive affirmations that you love him, that's all good, you should continue to do that. But the big issues is the other stuff. Can you do that?

 

As per getting his trust back, you can do your part but that decision has to come from him unfortunately. He either decides to trust you or decides he simply can't.

 

I agree with sunpotato. He screwed up for being an emotional dumpster and now your left being a dumpee, a dumper, and soon a dumpee again... I suggest you do no contact and really think if you just want to be in a relationship or you want to be with this guy? It may take a couple of months to get your answer.

 

sorry that was funny. Autocorrect?

Edited November 30, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[basil67]

Have you started getting therapy for your temper? You do know that willpower alone isn't going to fix your behaviour, yes?

 

Perhaps when you've done the hard yards of therapy and can demonstrate sustained change, he may reconsider.

[Sweetfish]

I agree, I know his friends, people online etc would've "pushed me off my pedestal".

 

We didn't actually break up. It was just a break (NC) to get some breathing space as we had been arguing about the same thing over and over (him not being able to be as loving towards me).

 

He said he would use the No contact to forgive me for everything in the past. But i guess in the two weeks he would've done a lot of thinking and realised how unfair I have been to him. Now he wants me to fix his trust in me. I know he doesn't want either of us to leave. He wants to make this work and he loves me a lot.

 

We have 6 years of a great friendship before we started dating and thats why we feel like we value each other a lot. I value him so so so much. I want to do anything to get him to trust me again but as i said I just feel severely anxious when he isn't as good to me as he used to be.

 

Do you think its possible to get his trust back if I just remain patient and prove to him that I'm willing to give him the same courtesy as he gave me. (As in help him through his difficult periods in life like he did with me).

 

I never actually told him I was still in love with my ex. I wasn't. I was very much in love with him just sometimes I would miss my ex and my bf was always so happy to listen as he said " we were friends for 6 years first, we should feel comfortable to talk about these things". If i knew he would resent me for it later I would've never done it.

 

You may be confused in what is love. People confuse the honeymoon period as love or let's just say unconditional love. The only way to get back what is lost is to get into a relationship with someone else and start the process over again.

 

I highly doubt you will get the love and affection you had at the start of this relationship again. You can aquire his unconditional love... but fighting about the love your not getting is selfish and in his lowest point you were not there... which makes me believe we're getting half the story.

[Sweetfish]

sorry that was funny. Autocorrect?

 

No autocorrect lol..

 

And is it just me or am I seeing your starting to see the male prospective a bit more clearly as the female perspective?

[Sunkissedpatio]

No autocorrect lol..

 

And is it just me or am I seeing your starting to see the male prospective a bit more clearly as the female perspective?

 

Wait so meant to call me that? thanks!

 

Not sure what the second part of your post is saying/asking? But if I understand correctly you are saying that I am more willing to see how guys feel? I tend to not see gender in problems people post, rather actions on either part. I only see gender in the predispositions that are typically attributed to either gender.

 

We do function differently at times and that is gender driven. Can't deny that...

 

OP therapy is a good suggestion. Unless you have anger issues where you can't control your emotions, I don't believe you need time away to work on it. I suspect your boyfriend pushes your buttons unlike anyone else does, for the mere fact of how intimate the relationship and how vulnerable you are in such closeness.

 

Fighting with him about how he isn't being as loving as he used to be won't get you were you need to be though.

[enzo1994]

You may be confused in what is love. People confuse the honeymoon period as love or let's just say unconditional love. The only way to get back what is lost is to get into a relationship with someone else and start the process over again.

 

I highly doubt you will get the love and affection you had at the start of this relationship again. You can aquire his unconditional love... but fighting about the love your not getting is selfish and in his lowest point you were not there... which makes me believe we're getting half the story.

 

I understand what your saying Sweetfish, however if we had a great relationship for like a year would we have passed the "honeymoon stage"?. I obviously don't expect him to be all honeymoon phase style again but just a normal great relationship; where we communicate a lot and have a lot of love for each other with minimal arguments.

 

The arguments only started when he lost his job then started being more distant= causing me to get annoyed and ask him why he's being this way = him bringing up all those ex things that I did and other resentment he has towards me.

[enzo1994]

You have to give it time and you have to be consistent. Above and beyond making the mistake of trusting him with your feelings about your ex you really need to get a hold on how you react when you are angry with him. You can turn this back if he is open. But if it is making you this anxious is it really worth it?

 

You see when we say things in anger that we don't mean the seed of doubt is planted. You may very well go over to the dark side when angry, and say things you absolutely don't mean but that's irrelevant because once you put those things out there you might as well mean them as far as he is concerned.

 

You will need a lot of patience, you will need to show him you can stop the name calling or whatever you do when you get angry and most of all you will need to learn to self-soothe. When he is not as loving as he use to be you are going to have to trust that he is working at getting to that good place again and you can't let your guard down.

 

It's very difficult to do because it creates a vacuum of resentment that you will have to learn to manage. Every time you do something hoping for a certain outcome if it doesn't pan out then you will end up resenting him more. So the answer is not as easy as sending him positive affirmations that you love him, that's all good, you should continue to do that. But the big issues is the other stuff. Can you do that?

 

As per getting his trust back, you can do your part but that decision has to come from him unfortunately. He either decides to trust you or decides he simply can't.

 

 

 

sorry that was funny. Autocorrect?

 

You have very good advice and perspective thank you so much for taking your time to help people. You're very right with how you said that "fighting with him over why he isn't being loving" isn't going to fix anything.

 

I guess the only reason I get anxious is because of that "vacuum of resentment" because I'm like what if I'm doing so much to make this work now but he never breaks down that wall. I just have to be patient and if I don't want to then I know he's not worth that much to me.. it's very difficult but he doesn't want me to leave either. If I try tell him maybe we'll be better off not together he says I'm a quitter and I've caused this so I should fix it.

 

We both do love each other and before he lost his job had a very healthy relationship. It's just make or break I guess.

[enzo1994]

Have you started getting therapy for your temper? You do know that willpower alone isn't going to fix your behaviour, yes?

 

Perhaps when you've done the hard yards of therapy and can demonstrate sustained change, he may reconsider.

 

 

 

I think this is a good idea. He definitely just wants to see that change in me. Once he sees it he'll be able to trust that I won't continue that silly behaviour. I will try therapy. Thank you!

[ExpatInItaly]

I'm not sure this one can be fixed.

 

There was a lot of damage done during what should have been the hooneymoon phase, with you still holding on to feelings for your ex. Both of you made a big mistake there. You shouldn't have entered a new relationship, and he shouldn't have stuck around to be your shoulder to cry on. That set up a shaky foundation for the dynamic between you. You can see now that he is upset about it and he's been holding it in. What should have been the most thrilling and exciting part of your relationship was tainted by this, so when he reflects back, that is what he remembers.

 

Add to that the insult about his financial status, and you've got a recipe for disaster. Men generally place a lot of value on their ability to provide, and you hit him right below the belt there. Not cool. You need to get control of your mouth. I know you realize now that this was a mistake, but I will echo another poster that professional help might be a good idea to help you learn to manage your anger so you don't come out swinging like that. Words hurt and we tend to remember them a long time after they were said.

 

My feeling is that he is probably on his way out of the relationship. It is not easy to overcome the previous problems, though he might be willing to give it a try. You need to show him you are willing to take serious steps to correct this, and if he isn't receptive, then you walk away.

[basil67]

OK, saying things you don't mean when you're fighting is bad.

 

However, it seems like he's putting all the blame on you for problems in the relationship. And then he's holding on to that blame with both hands.

 

Does he take responsibility for not telling you that he doesn't want to hear about your ex?

 

Does he take responsibility for being distant after losing his job? Does he acknowledge that his distance probably caused as much damage as anything else going on here?

 

It takes two to fix a relationship. But when one is holding on to resentment with both hands, it can't be fixed. He says that this is all your fault and you should fix it. But it's not all your fault and you should BOTH be actively working to fix it.

 

Last of all, he calls you a 'quitter' like it's a bad thing. But knowing when to walk away is a crucial life skill. If you set up a business which was clearly failing, would you choose to stay and pour good money after bad? I hope not. A relationship is the same.

 

Frankly, your boyfriend sounds like a bit of an arse.

[Sunkissedpatio]

You have very good advice and perspective thank you so much for taking your time to help people. You're very right with how you said that "fighting with him over why he isn't being loving" isn't going to fix anything.

 

I guess the only reason I get anxious is because of that "vacuum of resentment" because I'm like what if I'm doing so much to make this work now but he never breaks down that wall. I just have to be patient and if I don't want to then I know he's not worth that much to me.. it's very difficult but he doesn't want me to leave either. If I try tell him maybe we'll be better off not together he says I'm a quitter and I've caused this so I should fix it.

We both do love each other and before he lost his job had a very healthy relationship. It's just make or break I guess.

 

Thank you I appreciate your kind words and I am happy to help

 

I know that all too well. Having just had a similar experience. We had gotten engaged right before he lost his job we had started planning our wedding, looking at venues and setting money aside and progressing along nicely his job loss threw a major wrench in our plans.

 

He was out of work for more than a year in which I saw him deteriorate emotionally in a way I was not prepared for. We were managing emotionally but barely. I was the main breadwinner (had 0 issue with it but he just couldn't handle it) and trying to support him emotionally to my own detriment at times. He was a very driven man who had many successes along his lifetime and "taking time off to bum around" wasn't at all what was driving him, it was the complete opposite. The more he failed at getting back on track with his career the more he plummeted into his depression, and anger and dark hole.

 

I don't know how driven your guy was prior to losing his job but if he was at all like what I just described my ex was then the "trauma" of being out of work is a lot harder on the relationship than you might see topically.

 

His own low self-esteem right now is something you can't fix. And believe me unemployment comes with a lot of self-esteem issues.

 

The things he is saying could be a projection of his own emotional state. Doesn't excuse the mean things he is saying because to you they feel real but that is something to consider when you are dealing with a partner battling all the negative effects of being unemployed.