Isitm3 Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 So here it goes. I recently moved to a new city and was in a relationship with someone from my old city. We tried for a couple months to make things work but I felt like I was never a priority and was constantly being told "I have plans this weekend" etc. So after dealing with this and trying everything to make it work with the distance involved one day I was told she couldn't go on with the relationship. I was crushed and down on myself and couldn't help but blame myself because I moved away. A couple months went by and I felt I was ready to start seeing someone again and met a girl who I clicked with right off the bat. Things were great. I found out she had an abusive past and treaded carefully in an attempt to help her restore trust in relationships. I did everything I could to help make her life easier in attempt to prove that there is good guys out there. She was still dealing with the legalities of the abusive relationship which undoubtedly was stressful for her. We had a few minor disagreements along the way and today it fell apart. It always seems to be my end that is the root cause of my relationships ending. I have a dark cloud of guilt hanging over my head constantly. My confidence has dropped to an all time low and I'm having a hard time seeing myself in another relationship because I don't know how much more I can take the feeling I'm the cause of the end. I don't know what I'm looking for advice wise I just needed to vent. 2
LargoLagg Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Guilt. Funny word to use. Guilt implies that you did something wrong to somebody else. What was that? You seem to have something in you that gives you inappropriate feelings, which give rise to other inappropriate feelings. If you can kill the guilt, you'll kill everything else that follows. It's not your fault that she's [expletive deleted] in some way. You just found out. So let's hear it. What's this guilt all about? Let it out. 3
travelbug1996 Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 why do you feel responsible for the first relationship ending? 4
travelbug1996 Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Maybe it was too soon to start back dating. 2
Satu Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Forget about being in a relationship for the moment. Spend some time alone, recovering your good feelings about yourself, and life. When you're feeling good, start thinking about a new relationship. Enjoy your own company for a while. Take care. 2
Author Isitm3 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Posted November 30, 2016 why do you feel responsible for the first relationship ending? I feel responsible because I was the one who moved away. I know I shouldn't and I've come to terms with the fact that's it's done with but I can't help but place blame on myself because I created the distance that seemingly caused the breakdown. 2
LargoLagg Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 I feel responsible because I was the one who moved away. I know I shouldn't and I've come to terms with the fact that's it's done with but I can't help but place blame on myself because I created the distance that seemingly caused the breakdown. OK, now we're getting somewhere. Why did you move? Why didn't she move too? Did you talk about what would happen after you moved? When? What did you do wrong (other than moving and creating physical distance)? 3
Author Isitm3 Posted November 30, 2016 Author Posted November 30, 2016 OK, now we're getting somewhere. Why did you move? Why didn't she move too? Did you talk about what would happen after you moved? When? What did you do wrong (other than moving and creating physical distance)? I moved because of a parents job transfer. Being out of school it was not feasible to stay on my own. Not neccessarily far away only a little over an hour. She didn't move because she had just found a job in her field located in my previous city. We talked about what was going to happen and we agreed to make an attempt to make things work. It worked for about a month. I constantly made attempts to spend time together but slowly her free time seemed to disappear and was told she was busy most times I suggested seeing each other. 1
BAcK Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 You should not have any kind of guilt whatsoever. You did what you could. Throughout your life you will find yourself under circumstances like this. Learn from them. Your first relationship ended because your ex did not put enough effort in it and as such it was not your fault. She lost someone who loved her. Her loss. Your second ''relationship' if it was one, was meant for failure. First of all,you should never try to get into a relationship. This is a natural process. You cannot force it. Secondly, you said you were ready. But was the other one ready? No. Both parties should be equally willing and stable anough to get into a relationship otherwise it's already doomed. Thirdly, you should really work on yourself. As long as you don't boost up that self esteem you will always get dumped. If you always carry that guilt or you do not have any self confidence, you will not attract or keep anyone interested in you. Finally you should accept the fact that not everything that happens is your fault. 3
Arieswoman Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 OP, I think you need to figure out the difference between blame and responsibility. It's easy to confuse the two but blame, is really a way of finding fault. It's either about being a blame absorber, which is taking so-called responsibility for other people’s feelings and behaviour. Or it's about avoiding responsibility by not acknowledging our part (no matter how small) or seeing it as other people’s responsibility to make us feel or act better. You can't control other's behaviour but you can control your own. I would suggest that you get into some counselling to explore why you have this feeling of guilt. Maybe something in your past taught you that you were somehow responsible for the well-being of the world and his dog? Good luck x 2
hannahph Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Don't blame yourself. With the first relationship, it sounds like she wasn't willing to put in the effort which isn't the type of woman you want to be in a relationship with. With the second, she has issues that she needs to work through and it might have not been the right time for her to be dating yet. It was so good of you to try to help her regain trust in relationships, so no matter what you did good. Have patience for the right relationship full of trust and effort from both parties. Best of luck!
LargoLagg Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 I moved because of a parents job transfer. Being out of school it was not feasible to stay on my own. Not neccessarily far away only a little over an hour. She didn't move because she had just found a job in her field located in my previous city. We talked about what was going to happen and we agreed to make an attempt to make things work. It worked for about a month. I constantly made attempts to spend time together but slowly her free time seemed to disappear and was told she was busy most times I suggested seeing each other.So in other words, you didn't do anything wrong. It's not your fault. Guilt is an inappropriate emotion, which means that if you can see how this is so, you can put it aside. Once you've done that, then you can deal with your sadness about this. That's perfectly appropriate for you to feel, and is really what you need to be dealing with. 1
RecentChange Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 I feel responsible because I was the one who moved away. I know I shouldn't and I've come to terms with the fact that's it's done with but I can't help but place blame on myself because I created the distance that seemingly caused the breakdown. Only an hour no less? Hon, she just wasn't that into you. When you're crazy about someone. You will move heaven and earth to be with them. You won't be "too busy" for them. Heck, my then boyfriend, now husband moved 400 miles away shortly after we started dating. We still spent 2-3 weekends together every month. Where there is a will there is a way. As for the abused girl, you can't fix other people and their problems, so please don't feel guilty there either. What I do think - is that you haven't found someone who is crazy about you. And you end up putting more effort in than they do - and end up with the short end of the stick. My advice, work on yourself. On being happy with yourself, on confidence and attitude. You gotta lose this dark cloud! The kind of person that will be ready for a fulfilling happy relationship will be looking for a fulfilled happy person.
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