Should I leave without saying goodbye?

[swim808]

Had a really complicated relationship with this guy all semester. Immediately when we met we became more than friends, began basically dating (without ever having the official label) and then after about 3 weeks had the “what are we” talk and decided to just be friends because I’m studying abroad next semester and neither of us really want to do the long distance thing (I was willing to give it a try, but he wasn’t). He said he thought we would have a better chance at things being “real” if we waited to date until a better time, which I’m struggling to buy but really had no choice but to accept.

 

So I’ve tried the friends thing for the past two months and we ultimately fell into this cycle where it would be good for a while, then feelings would creep back in, we would start acting like more than friends again (nothing physical, just spending lots of time together and lots of emotional intimacy), then I would become upset knowing that we couldn’t actually date. This cycle has probably happened three times, each time ending with a serious talk. This las time (last week) ultimately ended with me deciding I just can’t be friends with him right now because I have a lot of other things to focus on. He sounded upset but said okay, and has been respecting my wishes and hasn’t reached out to me in the past few days that we’ve been no contact

 

I guess I appreciate that he’s been respectful of what I asked, but also can’t help but feel a little disappointed that in that moment, which he must’ve thought was goodbye, he didn’t tell me how much he cares about me. He was always really open and forward with his feelings in the beginning when we were kind of dating, but now won’t say how he feels unless I work it out of him. I can’t tell if he’s doing this because he’s trying to control feelings before I leave, or if he really just doesn’t care as much as I do. He has made it very clear that he regrets not controlling feelings more right from the beginning, so I’m leaning towards the former (but that’s obviously what I want to be true so it’s biased).

 

Now I’m conflicted. I’m leaving in two weeks, and will not even have the possibility of seeing him again for at least 8 months and probably even longer…I’m scared to leave without saying goodbye, especially since I really care about him, so I’m thinking about reaching out again on my last day here to say goodbye and leave things on a good note, and hopefully have a talk about where we see things going in the future. But part of me also says I need to accept that this can’t work out and I need to just let it go, and leave things at no contact for good. What should I do? Should I just ignore all my feelings and leave without saying anything, or should I fight for it and try to work something out?

[Zahara]

but also can’t help but feel a little disappointed that in that moment, which he must’ve thought was goodbye, he didn’t tell me how much he cares about me.

 

Your expectations are yours and yours alone. Don't project that on someone else. Regardless of how much he cares for you, it doesn't change your situation. I think after many failed tries, you should be getting to a point of acceptance rather than still seeking validation.

 

I’m scared to leave without saying goodbye, especially since I really care about him, so I’m thinking about reaching out again on my last day here to say goodbye and leave things on a good note, and hopefully have a talk about where we see things going in the future.

 

When someone wants to walk away from you, let them. There is no need to talk about the future because it's unrealistic. You can't even manage the present, but you want to foretell a future? Cold turkey and use those 8 months to help you move on. I'm sure he knows when you are leaving, and if he has anything to say, he'll reach out. You seem more invested than he is, therefore it would be best for you to remain in NC and stand by your decision to end it.

 

Should I just ignore all my feelings and leave without saying anything, or should I fight for it and try to work something out?

 

There is nothing to fight for or work out. His silence is a very clear response.

 

I think your need to reach out is your fear of finality. It would be time to accept that fact.

[basil67]

You both decided with good reason to not pursue the long distance thing. And it makes perfect sense that friendship won't work because of lingering feelings.

 

That said, it's unreasonable to expect him to be open about his feelings AFTER all of this ^^ has gone down. He needs to deal with his feelings on his own now because he needs to get over the relationship.

[swim808]

Thank you for your responses. I know you're right, and it's best for me to continue going NC. The past few days have been rough, but I've stuck with it and he also hasn't tried to reach out to me, despite even running into each other in person twice.

 

I'm sure he knows when you are leaving, and if he has anything to say, he'll reach out. .

I guess my final lingering question is, should I expect him to reach out if he cares? He definitely does know when I'm leaving and he will definitely see me at least a few more times between now and then because we have a class together, so he will have the chance to do so. Would it be fair for me to assume that he just doesn't care enough if he's okay with the thought of not saying goodbye before I leave for 9+ months, even though I was the one who asked him not to contact me in the first place?

 

I'm kind of at a point where I feel like I would be able to move on if he doesn't reach out, because it would prove to me that I am wayyyy more invested than he is, which is not a place I want to be in. I've just gotten lots of mixed signals from him because of how complicated the situation is, so I want to make sure that this is a fair way for me to judge his level of investment.

 

I have taken the straightforward approach before and straight up asked him, and he said he cares about me a lot. But actions speak louder than words . . . right?

[Zahara]

Would it be fair for me to assume that he just doesn't care enough if he's okay with the thought of not saying goodbye before I leave for 9+ months, even though I was the one who asked him not to contact me in the first place?

 

Assume? There is no possible way to get into someone's head and know what they are feeling so all you can do is speculate. But that is futile. Again, it's come time you try to find acceptance in that regardless of how he feels, it makes no difference to your situation. He may choose not to reach out to respect your wishes. He may choose not to reach out to avoid anymore emotional strife. He may choose not to reach out to spare your already hurt feelings. He may choose not to reach out because he doesn't really care. Who knows? You need to maintain NC and in time you'll look back at this and realize that you certainly deserved better.

[swim808]

I guess I’m just worried that I’m being too harsh? He really was good to me. When I asked him why he would text me things like he missed me or wished I was with him, he told me that just because he said we should just be friends doesn’t mean he doesn’t still have feelings and those were moments of weakness and he was really sorry that him saying those things had hurt me. To him, I think those were ways that he showed me he still cared, but they made me uncomfortable, because from my perspective it felt like having something I really wanted but couldn’t have dangled in my face. We never really had a conversation about boundaries for our friendship, and now I’m feeling guilty that I just cut things off instead of allowing for us to try and work out a way that we could both be happy with our relationship. I feel like before, he was getting what he wanted and I was being hurt, but now I’m getting what I want and he’s being hurt. I would like for us to find a middle ground.

 

I can’t stop thinking about him. I hate that we see each other and pretend not to know each other when we really did have a nice friendship before all of this. He’s been a good friend, and in spite of all the ways we couldn’t make it work romantically, he’s always been there when I needed him, even when I’ve acted a little crazy. At the end of the day, he’s a person that I want in my life, even if it’s just as friends, and I hate feeling like I’ve ruined any opportunity of ever being friends by being overdramatic. I want to be able to share my experiences next semester as I’m abroad with him, and I want him to be able to share his experience of his final semester of college with me. He also was recently diagnosed with a chronic illness, and has been struggling to cope with that. I think I was one of the few people he trusted to talk to about it with, and I hate that I’ve ripped that away from him when I'm confident that he would always be there for me if I'd just ask.

 

I understand that I deserve a relationship that works, with someone who cares about me enough to make it work. I really do. But I feel so wrong cutting off a person who was very good to me even just as a friend without ever expressing to him why I was upset and giving him a chance to modify his behavior, knowing how it made me feel. I know you can’t expect people to change, but I think he honestly didn’t realize that the ways we were interacting were causing me pain because I was just letting it happen and trying to play it cool. I’m now left wondering if I had been open about what I was comfortable and uncomfortable with as far as a friendship goes he might have understood that, and we really could still be friends. I don’t want to spend my life pushing people away because they’re not perfect. After 10 days of NC and two weeks without talking in person, I’m tempted to give our friendship another chance.

 

So, what I meant when I said I was hoping we could have a talk about the future, I didn’t mean in terms of a romantic relationship. During the past two weeks of NC, I have had a lot of time to think and step outside of the situation to view things rationally. I am being honest with myself when I say that I have accepted that a romantic relationship will not work for us. Not now, or in the near future. But I feel that friendship is very much a possibility if we can work out a way to set the proper boundaries (i.e. not texting every single day and saying things like “I miss you” and “I wish we could be dating”). Would it be a mistake for me to try to do that? I just feel so immature that instead of talking things out with him, I'm cutting him off. I understand why NC is necessary in other situations, but I'm afraid I've misjudged this one.