Jump to content

Sick of being labelled "nice guy"

steppero

By steppero
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Tribble Established Member

Tribble

Posted
Posted

I can't stand this 'nice guy' term. Urgh! Since when is it a bad thing?!? How is that even possible?? I want a nice guy. I want nice people in my life. But I mean properly nice. Not people who do nice things to try and get a reward out of it. OP, you say you used to do things 'out of the goodness of your heart' but it didn't get you anywhere. So it wasn't really out of the goodness of your heart was it? You did it because, in some place deep down, you expected to get something out of it, and when you didn't, you got annoyed. Genuinely nice people would not start jerkish behaviour to stop being labelled 'nice' like you are doing. Calling people names is not a nice person. A person like that wouldn't be in my life for very long.

 

Your taken co-worker said you were 'too nice' which is what prompted this thread. Have you thought she might mean too nice for her because she is taken and potentially thinking of straying? I don't know her or your dynamic with her but I'd be pretty happy with being too nice to be considered a potential Other Man.

 

The thing is, you should do you. If you're nice, be nice. If you're not, you're not. You should do things because you want to, not to get something out of it. Be considerate but not a pushover. Don't go out of your way to do anything and everything because you fancy someone. That's not nice, that's needy. A lot of the misconception about 'a nice guy' or being 'too nice' is because it's a polite way of saying not very complimentary about being someone. It's a shame nice is a word that has become so corrupted. Because I for one, like nice.

  • Like 1
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
I can't stand this 'nice guy' term. Urgh! Since when is it a bad thing?!? How is that even possible?? I want a nice guy.

You want a guy who is nice, but you don't want a "Nice Guy" (caps).

Mr. Lucky Established Member

Mr. Lucky

Posted
Posted
This woman has literally wrecked every opportunity I have had to date other women. She revealed to me today that she told a woman I was interested in dating that I liked her, and after that, the woman never spoke to me again, this has happened several times. Why would she ruin my potential relationships like that for?

 

So you've "fallen" for an unavailable woman who gets enjoyment from messing with your life?

 

This has little to do with being nice and much to do with being smart in how you invest your time and energy. Quit chasing after her, she has a BF. And quit being friends with her, she doesn't sound very...nice...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
lovingone Member

lovingone

Posted
Posted

I think "nice guys" should remember that women (like men) get confusing messages about what masculinity should be.

 

In any group, from nuns to circus clowns, those with the lowest self-esteem control the "image" for their group that the world sees. They need to see that portrayed outwardly because they don't have inner self-esteem.

 

I ( a woman) like to think of the bad boy or rebel as Martin Luther King vs Ted Bundy! Both went to prison, but who do you want to be? We should be applauding the kind of rebel who does what he thinks is right even when it goes against popular opinion.

 

That's confidence and a smart woman knows the difference. I mean look at this forum, it is full of stories of unhappy relationships.

 

A lot has been made lately of the "chivalry" of Prince Harry coming to the defense of Meghan Markle. He's actually been called gay by some men, which again is mixed messages about appropriate male behavior. That would be another example, and Meghan has called herself a lucky woman.

Quiet Storm Established Member

Quiet Storm

Posted
Posted

She doesn't think enough about you to consider your plight with other women. She was just running her mouth...

 

Don't waste your time on women like her. She gets validation from your attention. Nice isn't going to work on her. She'll just devalue you because she knows she's unworthy, but you've fallen for her, anyways. A confident guy (not an as5hole, but an assertive guy who doesn't get taken advantage of) wouldn't be falling for a girl with a boyfriend. Maybe he'd flirt, but he wouldn't sweat her. You can't allow yourself to get emotionally invested unless the feeling is mutual. Otherwise, you look weak and too nice, because she knows a desirable guy would focus his efforts elsewhere.

 

Sorry if it sounds harsh, but I'm just saying how you might appear from her perspective.

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted

The dreaded "nice guy" thread...

 

I think there are two types of nice guys:

 

1) "Nice Guys" - these guys are fake. They are super nice to women and think that life "owes" them a woman just because they are nice. They are often secretly (or not so secretly) super insecure, resentful, and manipulative. When women go out with or sleep with other men, they become hateful and bitter. They typically have zero social skills or anything going for them (we've seen a few of these on here...I'll stop there). THESE guys finish last.

 

2) True Nice Guys - they might be a tad "vanilla" or even "boring" at times. They aren't the glamorous bad boys wearing leather jackets on motorcycles that many women go after. However, these guys have a strong moral compass and have things going for them (career, hobbies, friends, etc.). They are polite and kind, until you give them a reason not to be. They are loyal and sweet, but will put you in your place when necessary. They do not get "whipped," they simply have their own thing going on. Sometimes they have to work on their confidence or developing a bit of an "edge," but these are good men. These guys will always win in the end!

 

I consider myself a truly nice guy. I always did fairly well with women even when I had little social/women skills, but that was just pure dumb luck. It wasn't until I got more experienced and developed my confidence that I got that "edge." But...I'm still a nice guy at heart. When I fall in love with a woman, I will give her the moon and have her back through anything. I'm nice to strangers and always polite to everyone I meet. I've been called "oldschool" by an older colleague many times. ;)

  • Like 2
GoodOnPaper Established Member

GoodOnPaper

Posted
Posted

1) "Nice Guys" - these guys are fake. They are super nice to women and think that life "owes" them a woman just because they are nice. They are often secretly (or not so secretly) super insecure, resentful, and manipulative. When women go out with or sleep with other men, they become hateful and bitter. They typically have zero social skills or anything going for them (we've seen a few of these on here...I'll stop there). THESE guys finish last.

 

2) True Nice Guys - they might be a tad "vanilla" or even "boring" at times. They aren't the glamorous bad boys wearing leather jackets on motorcycles that many women go after. However, these guys have a strong moral compass and have things going for them (career, hobbies, friends, etc.). They are polite and kind, until you give them a reason not to be. They are loyal and sweet, but will put you in your place when necessary. They do not get "whipped," they simply have their own thing going on. Sometimes they have to work on their confidence or developing a bit of an "edge," but these are good men. These guys will always win in the end!

 

I like this comparison, but I think that a lot of us with noticeable "nice guy" issues have many qualities that go in the #1 category but also many qualities that go in the #2 category. I'm definitely more insecure, resentful and bitter than I should be, but on the other hand, I'm pretty happy with how my hobbies, career, and friendships have developed. I've commented in posts that if when I was single, I had 1/10th of the hobbies and interests that I have now, my outlook on my singlehood would have been much better.

 

The thing is, places like LS and pop psych books and businesses would have us believe that our personality/emotional framework is like a Rubik's Cube where each section is labeled #1 or #2 and we just need to pop out the #1's leaving only the "good" #2's. I think a more realistic analogy is that these #1 and #2 qualities exist together more like a marbled steak . . . and to separate the meat and fat, we have a chain saw in our hands.

 

The best suggestions I can come up with are: Don't be so hard on yourself, patience is your friend and any improvement comes in baby steps, and do your best to live intentionally - which in this day and age is harder to do than you'd think.

  • Like 2
Sweetfish Established Member

Sweetfish

Posted
Posted (edited)
The dreaded "nice guy" thread...

 

I think there are two types of nice guys:

 

1) "Nice Guys" - these guys are fake. They are super nice to women and think that life "owes" them a woman just because they are nice. They are often secretly (or not so secretly) super insecure, resentful, and manipulative. When women go out with or sleep with other men, they become hateful and bitter. They typically have zero social skills or anything going for them (we've seen a few of these on here...I'll stop there). THESE guys finish last.

 

2) True Nice Guys - they might be a tad "vanilla" or even "boring" at times. They aren't the glamorous bad boys wearing leather jackets on motorcycles that many women go after. However, these guys have a strong moral compass and have things going for them (career, hobbies, friends, etc.). They are polite and kind, until you give them a reason not to be. They are loyal and sweet, but will put you in your place when necessary. They do not get "whipped," they simply have their own thing going on. Sometimes they have to work on their confidence or developing a bit of an "edge," but these are good men. These guys will always win in the end!

 

I consider myself a truly nice guy. I always did fairly well with women even when I had little social/women skills, but that was just pure dumb luck. It wasn't until I got more experienced and developed my confidence that I got that "edge." But...I'm still a nice guy at heart. When I fall in love with a woman, I will give her the moon and have her back through anything. I'm nice to strangers and always polite to everyone I meet. I've been called "oldschool" by an older colleague many times. ;)

 

 

Kinda arrogrant to define real nice guys and then slide in at the end you have all these top notch qualities.

 

What about women who use their sexuality to gain what they want and get resentful when it doesnt work?

 

What about the bad boys who disposes women because he knows he can get what he wants.

 

I understand the selfish need of nice guys. But at the end of the day we all have selfish needs good or bad.

 

I

Edited by Sweetfish
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
Kinda arrogrant to define real nice guys and then slide in at the end you have all these top notch qualities.

 

What about women who use their sexuality to gain what they want and get resentful when it doesnt work?

 

What about the bad boys who disposes women because he knows he can get what he wants.

 

I understand the selfish need of nice guys. But at the end of the day we all have selfish needs good or bad.

 

I

 

It don't see it as arrogant. I've seen Shanex's posts for quite a long time and his posts consistently show these attributes. He simply knows who he is. If he was faking, he would have slipped up by now.

 

Another reason I don't agree that he's being arrogant is because they are not Top Notch qualities. They are normal qualities which would describe a large percentage of men. The only change I would make to the description would be to change the word 'career' to 'has a reliable job'.

 

These guys aren't hard to find.

 

As for the bad guys and girls who use sex, this thread is about Nice guys. They are good topics to discuss - but for another thread.

  • Like 1
Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted (edited)
Kinda arrogrant to define real nice guys and then slide in at the end you have all these top notch qualities.

 

I have never been called ''arrogant'', neither here or in real life, not sure why you're calling me out on this. I don't think I have talked a lot to you here and see that you registered two months ago. I'm just trying to show the true side of my personality. I don't have a dream job, own a small car and am in an apartment. Nothing to brag too much about.. But I'm at least confident about my genuine qualities..

 

Basil67

"It don't see it as arrogant. I've seen Shanex's posts for quite a long time and his posts consistently show these attributes. He simply knows who he is. If he was faking, he would have slipped up by now."

 

Thank you, appreciate it, and yes we've talked on these forums enough to know each other (virtually that is) so calling me arrogant is a tad over the top. It's okay. Sweetfish maybe doesn't read much my posts and I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

PS: Let's debate the topic, not the person, me or whoever, anyways.

Edited by Shanex
  • Like 1
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

I thought Sweetfish was male......

  • Like 1
Shanex Established Member

Shanex

Posted
Posted
I thought Sweetfish was male......

 

If so sorry, dude. ;)

  • Like 1
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...