simplybrill Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 I have been cordially invited to a sleepover at my boyfriend's house. But there's a problem. I live with an overprotective over sibling. Im nearly 22, and sometimes its like she's my mom. She gives me rides to work and I help her pay for her gas when I can, I dont make a lot of $$$, so that's kind of always hanging over my head - the fact that she helps me out a lot and I can't always reciprocate it, the way she can. So, Im more of a taker, in the situation and she's more of a giver. If she wanted to sleep over at her bf's house a night, I wouldnt care! But I know she's gonna be like "NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT, OUT OF THE QUESTION!" when it comes to me wanting to sleep over at his place a night. We've been together 7 months! I guess it stems from her not really knowing/trusting him. But that's just it, she isnt making any effort to get to know or trust him or his family. She doesnt like having people over, and I've said hey Brian wants to hang out with you some time, to get to know you better, and she was like "Why??Do I have to??" Its definitely wierd that he can't just come over and hang out at my place, that we're always having to go at his place. And its wierd that my family doesnt really want to get to know him, yet we're getting more serious. He met my mother and that just a disaster, the way she grilled him for no reason. We just went on a trip out of state and I met his family, and my family doesnt even want him over! Should I be upset that he wants me to spend the night, even though my family wouldn't approve? Or should I be more upset that my family is so anti-social and over-protective? I'm just so confused and I need your advice guys.
CurlyIam Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 You're 22, you should move out if you want space and liberty to come and go as you please. Given that you're living under their roof, you have to obey their rules. IMHO, you should try to impose yourself and your friends more, or else you risk to lose them and damage your relationships. His family is welcoming you, they're doing what every other normal family would do - try to know you better. It's up to you to manage your thing with your family and frankly, you don't seem to have the hang of it. It's either your way or their way and as I see it, no one lives your life for yourself. It's time to either rebel or move out. Moving out is kinda more adult .
Moose Posted July 14, 2005 Posted July 14, 2005 You're over 18. Your sister can't say or do anything about you staying over at your boyfriends. You shouldn't be upset about either side. So your family doesn't approve.....I'm sure there are things they do that you don't approve of, but you live with it, right? And why would you be upset with your boyfriend for asking you over?
Author simplybrill Posted July 15, 2005 Author Posted July 15, 2005 I'm not upset at him for asking me over. Im very happy he did. I want to go over there and relax, stay up late watching silly movies, etc...I guess im just chicken when it comes to standing up for what I want, when it comes to my family.
Moose Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 I'm going to take a guess, tell me if I'm wrong or not, ok? Are you the black sheep? Are you the one who is considered the, "under achiever"? Does your family constantly bring up your foul ups? Am I close?
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 15, 2005 Posted July 15, 2005 When I was 22 I still lived at home and, oops forgot to come home one night, so I called my parents at 5am an told them I'd had too much to drink so I was crashing at my bf's for the night. After a while, we decided it was pretty rude to call in the middle of the night, so I would tell them ahead of time that I might not be home. I eventually broke them in. This is just your older sister, not a parent. She didn't raise you and you owe her nothing. If you pay rent, help out with gas and groceries, and help clean the house, that to me is more than necessary for a tenant to do, which is what you are. Sure she helps you out as well, because she CAN. You are young and will very likely have opportunities to repay her when you are older. I agree with you that your family seems anti-social but not sure if it's just this situation or are they like this with all "outsiders"? Is your bf of a different social status, or just one that they don't want you to end up with? Your sis can't tell you how to live your life, but if sshe doesn't like it, she will have to deal with it. If you cant handle the way she deals with it, then you have a choice. Follow her rules or move out.
Author simplybrill Posted July 19, 2005 Author Posted July 19, 2005 They're like this with pretty much all outsiders. We had a pretty rough upbringing, so they're not too keen on trusting people. We never had people over when I was a kid, my parents friends rarely came over, and as I got older they never liked my friends, even if nothing was wrong with them. They were always looking for some fault to find in them- or at least thats how it seemed to me. I guess I've made more progress, i'm majoring in psychology so Im working through my issues by default. I wish I could help my sister open up more to new people, and trust people more. Trust me more in the process, realize that if she just lets me do my own thing, that Im not going to hurt her in any way,and neither are any of my friends or anyone I bring into our place. Right now she puts my boyfriend in the same box as she would a maintenance guy...a stranger who is not to be trusted, and should be watched, so they wont steal anything, etc. Ive known this person for long enough, spent quite a lot of time with them, and trust me, he's no theif, he just wants to get to know my family better, take the next step...and honestly it's hurting our relationship now. He's quite hurt that he can't even stop by to say hey, or hang out at my place once in a while, that he doesnt even know my family. I feel really horrible about this, and he's right. I invited him to come out with me and my sister and mom to buy my car this weekend and he won't come because they'll be there and he feels like he doesnt know them. Any advice on how to "break her in" so to speak with the boyfriend. I was thinking about inviting him over, for a movie and pizza or something at first. I want him to come over and everything, but with her recent breakup with her fiancee, I dont want to shove my relationship in her face and make her feel bad. Maybe Im overthinking this, and I should just say hey, get a grip, I invited ----- to come over this weekend, watch a movie and hang out, and not wait around for her response. It just feels like im walking on egg-shells for her, at the expense of my relationship. Just because she chose to not be in one anymore, doesnt mean I can't.
MWC_LifeBeginsAt40 Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 Originally posted by simplybrill ...he just wants to get to know my family better, take the next step...and honestly it's hurting our relationship now. He's quite hurt that he can't even stop by to say hey, or hang out at my place once in a while, that he doesnt even know my family. I feel really horrible about this, and he's right. I invited him to come out with me and my sister and mom to buy my car this weekend and he won't come because they'll be there and he feels like he doesnt know them. If he wants to take the next step, then why didn't he come with you? Did you word this incorrectly? Was it your mom and sister who didn't want him along? It sounds like he passed up a great opportunity to take that next step here!
clynn Posted July 19, 2005 Posted July 19, 2005 yah, I would think that coming with you to buy your car would be the PERFECT opportunity to GET to know them better. Maybe in fact this is a 2-way street and his isn't as giving as you're giving him credit for. Just stop and think about this: If you (as others in your family) have survived a rougher homelife than you MAY actually more susceptible to having jerks around, you might be too giving or willing or something. That's not to say he isn't an awesome guy. But that your sister and mom are cautious is to be expected. There concerns and their own feelings, whether rational or not are to be respected. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go forward with your own plans. But maybe you'll just have to break in everyone very slowly. And I think it is extremely considerate to be taking your sister's feelings into account with regards to her recent split from her fiance. Maybe you want to start instead of staying over at his place, but staying late, like til midnight, then 2 am. Then one night tell her when you leave that you won't be coming back that night. You'll have to be firm. Maybe pick a night when you and your boyfriend have plans for the next day that start in the morning, make it a convenience thing....she'll have less to argue about then. Of course you're an adult and you can do whatever you want. But that approach and attitude might not be the best route to take. I can TOTALLY understand. Me and my brothers had a bit of a rough home as well. My one brother is SUPER over-protective and once as an adult I lived with him for almost two years. In that time, the only nights I spent out with boys I actually told him fibs about where I'd be. He may very well have been aware but it was just easier for us both that way! How silly!
Author simplybrill Posted July 25, 2005 Author Posted July 25, 2005 First I would like to thank all of you lovely love-shackers who replied, you guys give some great advice! Second: I broke up with the guy a few days ago. I thought about some things, talked to my friends and family, and I realized the problem---was never with my family or my sibling...it was with the dude. He was moving so fast, trying to get to know my family for some reason (its not like he proposed marriage or anything), and he wasnt spending enough time really getting to know me. Isnt meeting and hanging out with the family something you do when you're trying to marry someone? Its not like he was even asking to come over, he was just imposing his beliefs that everything was moving along at just the pace he wanted, so now he thought he should come over and he would. He forgot that its my apartment, and I dont have to let him in, if he's being a jerk. Or if im tired- which I was this particular night, when I told him nicely that maybe a weekend would be a better idea to come over and hang out. Well he just lost it- and started saying that my sibling and I have a wierd relationship, that she runs my life, that he doesnt have the time to wait to get to know my family- that he has to get to know them right now-because we've been dating half a year-etc. I explained to him that he's met my family, and yes we've been going seven months, but why doesnt he have time to get to know them? Its not like he's terminally ill, why are we all of a sudden on this speed race to get to know my people? We've been DATING seven months, its not like he proposed! Sure everyone kids around and talks about marriage, etc, but we never sat down and seriously discussed it. So I dont think he should have been hell bent on meeting anyone, and respected me enough to not try to force his way into my apartment, or force any kind of relationship with my family. Those things are supposed to happen naturally, with time. A big problem was that, he NEVER allows for a different opinion that would upset his. He thinks everything should be his way, the way his family does things, end of story. He kept talking about his beliefs, how the way we did things wasnt what he believed. Im sorry, you're barely 21 and you've got concrete beliefs about how the world should be according to YOU, and thats the only way they CAN be? Gimme a break. I think he needs to move out of his mama's house and live a little, maybe get a roomate or two so he can learn how to respect the space that you share with other people, and their time and how they might feel about having company over after a long day of work! I also think he was still hung up on his ex...for the simple fact that I found all of this a little coincidental that on a trip we took, he spent more time messing with the stupid camera and taking pictures of scenery than making the time we had together special. He would be more affectionate around people, than alone. Its like he wanted trophies of what good pictures he took, instead of what good times he had with me. I found her number programmed into his new phone. It seemed like he wanted our relationship to follow the same timeline that theirs did, he liked me more dressed down than dressed up, (she was more of a dressed-down girl). He was just a jerk, he would make ridiculous generalizations about women, and the worst part was that he wasnt kidding. Somewhere in there he had reasoned with himself that: 1. Women were bad drivers, 2. I wouldnt want to work again, if I had a child, 3. he would make racist remarks about people's cars 4. he would never try new foods, ethnic foods especially 5. the list goes on...and yet I stayed with him, because whenever I called him on this crap, he would apologize and make an effort not to mention it. But then he eventually did later...what a jerk. It just hurts...its like if he just wanted to be with her- WHY DIDNT HE JUST GET WITH HER. Why did he get with me and try to create this fake world, and try to make me into her---or make what we had, into a clone oftheir relationship. Its just a wierd, creepy feeling. Its like in science experiments when they try to control the environment and the variables to see if they'll get the same result! Im mad that I let him get away with trying to control me so much, and for staying with him as long as I did and not realizing what he was doing the whole time. I should have known better. Im glad I got out, when I did, because after talking with my people it seems that he was one bad day away from being a full on abusive, controlling boyfriend. Sometimes you need a different perspective to see not only the good, but the bad parts of people and what they do as well. Thanks again for all of your replies!
clynn Posted July 25, 2005 Posted July 25, 2005 Wow. I totally didn't expect that. I hope you're happier without him. All the very best.
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