Am I being silly?

[whosaidloveisdead]

Really need some help in deciphering my feelings. Would appreciate your input. I will summarise points as not to make this too wordy. (Sorry in advance).

 

After a long term relationship in which I had two young girls (both under 5) I was single but actively dating for about a year. I wanted to spread my net far and wide so admittedly I dated a lot of girls (10 years younger to around 3 years older).

 

I then met my current girlfriend and we’ve been dating about 4 months.

 

I didn’t believe in love at first sight but I was instantly drawn to her and by the 2/3 date I cut all the other girls loose. She was the one and I felt things I’ve never felt before. Within 3 months I feel I found the girl I wanted to marry.

 

Her history is she’s had 2 short relationships (shes 28, im 37), last guy was a lot older and treated her like crap, didn’t pay for a single meal in their time together, wasn’t physically attractive and overweight, she moved 70 KM to live with him and commuted back and forth to work daily whilst he sat around doing nothing and smoking pot, not even washing for days. She left him and met me some months later.

 

She told me she loved me after 3-4 weeks, and I returned the gesture because I was truly in love with her. Amazing huh.

 

She says she adores me, she tells her friends lovely things about me, she adores my kids to the point it puts a tear in my eye, calls us a family, she want us to get married and have children, all of which is what I want. However since I’ve been in a few relationships which weren’t right I’ve become quite honed to red flags which I refused to now ignore.

 

This is more for context than a concern but in the short time we’ve been together I’ve paid for 70% of meals (we go out 3 times a week- this I do not mind in the slightest since I earn 5 times more – i've paid for 2 trips within our country and recently we came back from the Caribbean (paid for by me).

 

Here are my concerns which I can ignore but its creating feelings of uncertainty in me:

 

I can honestly say I treat her like a queen that she deserves and I love her dearly, to the point that I get tearful and want to cry and to marry her would make me the happiest guy on this planet. However my issues are:

 

• Her past is her past but she constantly reminds me of the conquests she’s had like it’s something to be proud of, she’s slept around a lot, she’s slept with guys who she has known to be attached, and made a joke about how she wanted to go with this married guy but her aunt stopped her on a trip to Vegas, that she had sexual contact on plane with a businessman (most likely attached) because she got bored. I cant understand why she talks so proudly of this – I myself have had a wild time but I keep this to myself.

 

• We spend every weekend together, but I rarely hear form her in the week, maybe a text a day.

 

• I found her looking at other men on holiday constantly (she does this back at home too). If the guy is attractive she will notice him. On holiday she was staring at certain guys almost constantly (although not trying to make it obvious).

 

• What disturbs me most about this is I’m a good looking guy with a great body, why does she have to look at other men in that way. I can say this with certainty that she is the most beautiful girl in the world and I only have eyes for her which confuses me further.

 

• Despite her active sex life before me, we made love just 4 times on holiday (bear in mind I am highly sexed and very passionate and giving in bed). She told me I was the first man to make her climax in any form. If it wasn’t for me initiating sex I think we would have had sex once.

 

• Near the end of the holiday, she began to be quite abrupt when she didn’t understand what I was saying, I’m quirky and in my excitement I jump from story to story, this is mainly because she excites me and I love telling her stories and keeping her smiling. She didn’t acknowledge how she spoke to me, but did put it down to her not sleeping and being snappy, more than an apology.

 

• She generally isn’t the best conversationalist and I find myself having to control the conversation and make the effort (weirdly she told me that she never spoke to her last boyfriend when out and argued that point with him).

 

Mitigating factors.

 

Her dad leaving her has had a huge bearing on her life which I believe caused esteem issues, her reckless sex life and wanting to be loved. This has made me more determined to give her a stable life which is why I haven’t raised any of these issues with her and do my best to keep her happy.

 

Long medical history of antidepressants which she is now off after we got together so I know I’m having a positive effect on her.

 

Someone I dated previously has come back into my life and wrote me the loveliest letter, this is a girl who adored me, would die for me and has the most lovely soul – I broke it up because I didn’t feel attracted to her. This hasn’t precipitated my feelings above but it does make me wonder why my current girlfriend cant adore me like this girl.

 

I have a feeling I am convenient and fill a gap in my current partners life (she did nothing at the weekends before me), I am the guy who will treat her how she wanted (I note she used those words to some guy who was trying to hook up with her – not that she met the most charming and handsome man), will give her the fairy-tale, but if I’m honest I am not feeling loved or desired, for someone so usually confident I am feeling insecure because of it. In her defense she has said nor done anything for me to doubt her, just certain actions.

 

Am I reading into this wrong because of my intense love for her or is there something I should be concerned of.

[Formerfiveo]

Okay, let's start with the obvious:

 

My first question is - have you told her how you feel when she talks about her wild past? If so, how did she respond?

 

What is the reason for only seeing each other on weekends and only texting once a day or so during the week? (not that there's anything wrong about that to me, but it concerns you...)

[whosaidloveisdead]

hi, Thanks for responding.

 

I have told her its not something I want to hear, shes toned it down, but continues to make reference to 'that time on x flight'. She didn't really comment when i talked about it. Recently she told me of a guy that fish hooked her during sex and that he used her for sex...completely unprompted! ha

 

She lives about 50km away, I have my kids two days of the week, but am happy to go there other times. I haven't asked her why we dont see each other more, but i feel its because we do see each other Friday to Monday morning which is quite a lot of time, and we have our own lives which is important.

 

Cant answer the text one, they just stopped, she has refereed to trying to keep busy and not thinking about us constantly, she does work in a hospital which makes texting hard, but in that one text its pretty placid.

 

i have not breached these topics with her for various reasons, one I don't want to seem needy, i dont want to upset her and these are generally behaviors which people should be socially aware of, if someone wants to look at other guys, they want to look at other guys, there is something underlying there i feel.

[Raena]

I'd say go with your gut. You are instinctively questioning this relationship and there is probably a reason for it.

[BaileyB]

Agreed. ^^

 

You have a lot of concerns, and they seem to be very valid concerns. I would also say that her previous choices of partners is concerning, particularly the last partner. A "healthy" woman would not chose that for a relationship. His past history of mental healthy issues and use antidepressants is concerning. And, if I may, you have moved quickly.... It's not really normal for a woman to say she loves you after 3-4 weeks.... Something seems off here and for the sake of your children, I would hope that you would listen to your gut and take your time with this relationship.

[whosaidloveisdead]

Thank you for the responses. I am trying to stay planted on my feet, the chemicals in the early stages don't help, so sense checking my concerns is a great help.

[VeveCakes]

If she is as hot and amazing as you say why was she dating a fat unattractive unemployed loser? That makes no sense to me...

 

I think you are not compatible long term. Do you really want to spend your life with someone you have to do all the work in a conversation with? Constantly feel like second best to hot strangers at the beach?

 

Nah...

[whosaidloveisdead]

Thanks VeVe.

[Methodical]

You've been dating for four months and in that time she has stopped taking antidepressants, which she has been dependent upon.

 

You do know antidepressants aren't a medication you can just stop taking bc you're happy, right? Does she? Did she see her doctor and properly titrate down? Have you considered some of her seemingly erratic behavior, based on her history, could be due to stopping her meds?

 

I'm glad you are in tune with your red flags waving. I'm a "go with your gut" person, but it sounds like your gut didn't start churning until an ex made contact with you.

 

You need to address your concerns, which you have not:

 

Her dad leaving her has had a huge bearing on her life which I believe caused esteem issues, her reckless sex life and wanting to be loved. This has made me more determined to give her a stable life which is why I haven’t raised any of these issues with her and do my best to keep her happy.[/Quote]

 

In another post:

 

i have not breached these topics with her for various reasons, one I don't want to seem needy, i dont want to upset her and these are generally behaviors which people should be socially aware of...[/Quote]

 

Talk to her. If a mutual resolution isn't met, follow your gut and move on.

[kendahke]

There are no mitigating factors for anything that she does. She's 28, not 8. She's grown and she knows by now that actions have consequences. Her dad has nothing to do with her keeping her mouth shut about who she had sex with when she wasn't asked to spill her guts. That's talk you save for your girlfriends, not the man you're letting pay your way everywhere. Pretty manipulative if you ask me.

 

So was she doing all of those things in the "concern" column before you spent for 70% of your dates? Was she doing it before you took her to the Caribbean? If she was, then what you're doing is rewarding her for being like that.

 

The first time that mess about her conquests came out of her mouth, I'd have told her to keep it to herself. The second time it came out of her mouth, I'd have dumped her. She needs to go be with them if the experience was all that.

 

She doesn't respect you because you're rewarding her dismissal of your esteem and feelings.

Edited November 29, 2016 by kendahke

[whosaidloveisdead]

You've been dating for four months and in that time she has stopped taking antidepressants, which she has been dependent upon.

 

You do know antidepressants aren't a medication you can just stop taking bc you're happy, right? Does she? Did she see her doctor and properly titrate down? Have you considered some of her seemingly erratic behavior, based on her history, could be due to stopping her meds?

 

I'm glad you are in tune with your red flags waving. I'm a "go with your gut" person, but it sounds like your gut didn't start churning until an ex made contact with you.

 

You need to address your concerns, which you have not:

 

 

 

In another post:

 

 

 

Talk to her. If a mutual resolution isn't met, follow your gut and move on.

 

Very valid point about the meds. I have taken them myself and fully understand her situation, she does appear happier as her friends also testify. I am trying to be patient in that respect and will monitor how she behaves in this respect.

 

Yes the ex did bring my concerns forward, but the concerns are still valid, but i'm trying to be as objective as possible. The worse thing for me would be to make a mistake which id regret so i have asked the ex to stay away for now.

 

If she talks about sex with other men again i will make it clear that if she continues i will walk. thanks for your input.

[whosaidloveisdead]

There are no mitigating factors for anything that she does. She's 28, not 8. She's grown and she knows by now that actions have consequences. Her dad has nothing to do with her keeping her mouth shut about who she had sex with when she wasn't asked to spill her guts. That's talk you save for your girlfriends, not the man you're letting pay your way everywhere. Pretty manipulative if you ask me.

 

So was she doing all of those things in the "concern" column before you spent for 70% of your dates? Was she doing it before you took her to the Caribbean? If she was, then what you're doing is rewarding her for being like that.

 

The first time that mess about her conquests came out of her mouth, I'd have told her to keep it to herself. The second time it came out of her mouth, I'd have dumped her. She needs to go be with them if the experience was all that.

 

She doesn't respect you because you're rewarding her dismissal of your esteem and feelings.

 

Thanks i have been advised not to spend so much on her and your point about rewarding is a good one.

[kendahke]

Thanks i have been advised not to spend so much on her and your point about rewarding is a good one.

 

How about not spending anything on her from here on out? Stop treating her to dinner dates. Stop taking her out on your dime. Kill the princess treatment and save it for women who have proven that they deserve that type of treatment. She doesn't.

 

Think about this: if she's so free with her talk about past sexual escapades, it makes me wonder what she's saying about you behind your back... and to whom.

 

You not spending "so much" on her is still you saying "it's ok". It's still rewarding her by telling her you're not arsed enough by what she's doing to look out for your own esteem. I can't image you need a girlfriend so badly that you're settling for this treatment.

 

Keep your money in your pocket and your eyes peeled on what consistent behavior she is exhibiting--and if it's in accordance to what it is you want out of a girlfriend.

[Gaeta]

Yes you are being silly and acting like a school boy. You met a hot woman and you lost all common sense. Other than being hot I didn't hear anything spectacular about her that would make you want to spend the rest of your life with her and have her as a role model to your children.

 

On her side she acts like a woman who's happy she met a wallet and is milking it for as long as she will be able to.

 

You got a hot girl that talks sh$t all the time about her sexual past but won't initiate sex with you, can't have an interesting conversation and finally thinks it's cool to travel and eat at your expense.

 

You need to let some blood flow back to your head.

[ElizabethIII]

Why are you spending all this money on someone you have known for 4 months?

 

Why not spend that money on your two children or save it for them? I think they need it more than her.

Edited November 29, 2016 by ElizabethIII

[elaine567]

Seems odd that you never hear from her during the week, what does she do then?

Maybe that is when she entertains her other "sugar daddies"...

[LargoLagg]

You're 37 and you don't understand that people aren't what they seem when you are completely infatuated over them?

 

Oh, wait! You did say this:

 

She was the one and I felt things I’ve never felt before. Within 3 months I feel I found the girl I wanted to marry.

 

There's no such thing as THE ONE. At three months, it's pretty normal to think she's perfect. Then, as you have now discovered, you start to unravel the mystery that nobody is perfect.

 

It doesn't mean she's not for you. It means your judgment is clouded, that's all.

[whosaidloveisdead]

Yes you are being silly and acting like a school boy. You met a hot woman and you lost all common sense. Other than being hot I didn't hear anything spectacular about her that would make you want to spend the rest of your life with her and have her as a role model to your children.

 

On her side she acts like a woman who's happy she met a wallet and is milking it for as long as she will be able to.

 

You got a hot girl that talks sh$t all the time about her sexual past but won't initiate sex with you, can't have an interesting conversation and finally thinks it's cool to travel and eat at your expense.

 

You need to let some blood flow back to your head.

 

Really appreciate you replying, i appreciate your directness which some people need to hear.

 

I must explain a few points, i said to me she is the most beautiful thing in the world. Objectively she is not beautiful in a conventional sense, that may sound harsh, but I never go based on looks. It was something else which drew me to her. I'm 37, the days of thinking with certain organs are long gone. My life mission is purely to make someone happy and enjoy the journey of making happy memories together.

 

Also in her defense I have forced the free stuff on her, that wasn't the point i was trying to make, the context i was trying to provide is i'm doing everything i can to treat her well. She does pay for stuff, i don't have an issue there.

 

The overriding concern i have, is

[whosaidloveisdead]

You're 37 and you don't understand that people aren't what they seem when you are completely infatuated over them?

 

Oh, wait! You did say this:

 

 

 

There's no such thing as THE ONE. At three months, it's pretty normal to think she's perfect. Then, as you have now discovered, you start to unravel the mystery that nobody is perfect.

 

It doesn't mean she's not for you. It means your judgment is clouded, that's all.

 

I completely agree. No matter how many times you fall in love, those chemicals still make you think crazy stuff! I am well aware and trying to be objective, you guys can tell me how it is because there is nothing clouding your judgement - I appreciate that. Hey I make no apologies about being a hapless romantic!

[whosaidloveisdead]

Why are you spending all this money on someone you have known for 4 months?

 

Why not spend that money on your two children or save it for them? I think they need it more than her.

 

Thank you!

 

In my defense here, I am a great dad, have my kids up to 5 days a week (weekends are all about them and doing adventures)...they are my priority. I am lucky, I have a good career, so those kids are well looked after...I have set them up for life...i'm just trying to enjoy my life too!

[Gaeta]

Really appreciate you replying, i appreciate your directness which some people need to hear.

 

I must explain a few points, i said to me she is the most beautiful thing in the world. Objectively she is not beautiful in a conventional sense, that may sound harsh, but I never go based on looks. It was something else which drew me to her. I'm 37, the days of thinking with certain organs are long gone. My life mission is purely to make someone happy and enjoy the journey of making happy memories together.

 

Also in her defense I have forced the free stuff on her, that wasn't the point i was trying to make, the context i was trying to provide is i'm doing everything i can to treat her well. She does pay for stuff, i don't have an issue there.

 

The overriding concern i have, is

 

You are infatuated, you are going over board with the trips and expensive outings and meals. Maybe you should learn to provide and demonstrate love to a woman in other ways than by paying.

 

Admit that you have nothing in common and she is immature for her age.

 

To me the negative points you have listed outweigh by far the couple of positive points you've talked about.

 

You are trying to be her savior because of her sad past, I know it makes you feel good and important to take that role but these relationships don't last because they are not based on solid ground : compatibility, common values, common interests, respect, consideration, attraction, and trust.

 

You need to slow down and allow a mutual give-and-take in this relationship. Yes you can pay for a trip to the Caribbean with a woman you've been dating 1 year +, someone you are engaged with, someone you are living with but a girlfriend of 4 months? c'mon! And a girlfriend of 4 months with a long list of negative points? Slow down. She needs to prove herself to you as well.

 

People dating under 6 months disappear all the time that is why you have to take your time and let them prove themselves to you.

[joseb]

To me it sounds like your assessment that you are filling a gap is correct.

 

I'm always wary of early tales of "bad" exes that were stingy, etc...feeks like a con in the making, designed to bring out your wallet.

 

Also someone so sexual as to shagging on planes would not be having their first orgasm with you, and if they were, they would want to be shagging yoy all the time, which is not the case.

 

I wouldn't trust her at all tbh.

[lolablue17]

You just need to print your initial post and let her read it. When you say you talk about future together, you must have a good communication with her. If you can't feel comfortable talking about things that bothers you, what's the point of all this?

 

You mentioned that you don't want to be needy. It's not a bad thing to show her your weaker side, Because at some point the show off is gone, and if you need to play strong all the time to get her love, well, it's time to figure it out.

 

You have a lot on your mind. Share it with her. You don't have to share it all in the same day, but you better be more honest. You will learn A LOT about her according to the way she will react. Long term and short term.

 

Good luck.

[whosaidloveisdead]

The last few responses have resonated deeply and make so much sense. I am going to be more cautious and pull away from the gestures and try to get things a bit even. I will be the first to admit i am infatuated.

 

I am becoming a bit distrustful, i'm hearing the right things "you're my world, "love you so much", "be lost without you", but not seeing the actions. All i want is love and affection, i don't ask for much.

 

For the record I am affectionate and loving so its not just been material things.

 

Thanks for opening my eyes.