is my bf's female housemate stepping a bit over the boundary?

[dreamingoftigers]

Some of you still live in the last century.

 

It's perfectly fine to have both genders room-mates. It's not because a man and a woman are under a same roof that they will automatically have sex.

 

My daughter has always chosen to have male room-mates as she found them easier to deal with because they came with much less drama. Each time she had a female room-mate it turned into a Shakespeare play.

 

Frus69: You trust your boyfriend right? then it's time to show it. It's not when all is dandy that trust is important it's when you are being challenged like now that it's time to show your loyalty.

 

Your boyfriend needs to keep saying no to her. If he is always busy when she asks for a favor than she'll get a clue soon.

 

It's possible she is not the right room-mate for him, if so than he can give her a 30 days notice and find himself someone more discreet.

My best roommate was a guy I lived with for six years.

 

There were three rooms and later four rooms, we all moved to save money.

 

We had another girl living with us for awhile and she was really messy. Like disgusting messy.

 

Then we had two guys. Then two girls.

 

In all of the time we lived together, NO ONE hooked up with each other. (Trust me. No one was attracted to each other). And we were friends for a long time.

 

And no one tried, either.

 

Eventually I got married and my husband moved in. Then he got married and the third roommate at the time left so we all moved out. It was the end of an era.

 

But not an era of hooking up.

 

That said, we didn't ask each other weird favors like that until YEARS of having been housemates. And it certainly wasn't regular.

[Miss Peach]

I used to have a male roommate. We used to do stuff like that but he had been a really close friend for many years prior so we had already done stuff like that before moving in together.

 

For a stranger, it's too far IMO. You BF will need to learn to set some boundaries with her. Man or woman, this is too far at this point. Later if they become friends than maybe. But as a stranger it's too much too soon.

[winny]

Can your BF just say no to her requests and maybe ignore few times and make excuses and see if she stops?

[Sunkissedpatio]

He's the landlord not her boyfriend he's not even a friend. What gives her the impression she can be calling him (wherever he is) and asking him to bring dinner home?

 

 

That leads me to believe that they are quite chummy when he is home. She's taking liberties that your boyfriend is somehow encouraging.

 

Or she could be one of those batsht crazy chicks that turns out to be a psycho roomate.

[Sunkissedpatio]

I used to have a male roommate. We used to do stuff like that but he had been a really close friend for many years prior so we had already done stuff like that before moving in together.

.

 

This ^ my thought exactly!

 

If they were friends prior, totally different story.

[frus69]

 

 

That leads me to believe that they are quite chummy when he is home. She's taking liberties that your boyfriend is somehow encouraging.

 

Or she could be one of those batsht crazy chicks that turns out to be a psycho roomate.

 

He was with me the whole weekend when she moved in so they didn't spend any time together before she made the dinner request. So believe me they are not chummy at home.

BF didn't say no though , so she may think it's all ok. Yeah I told him he needs to set up boundaries now but I'm not there to observe if he follows. Some people here basically accused him of having wrong intentions all alone and guys will have sex with anything that moves. I hope that's not the case.

[frus69]

Of course there are exceptions, but mostly they are different circumstances.

Case in point: you are female. Very different.

In this scenario with the facts as described by the OP, I maintain my opinion that the OP's BF is either up to no good or is extremely naive.

 

A girl finds male housemates-totally innocent

A guy finds female housemates-totally guilty ?

Why is that?

I used to live with guys multiple times. sometimes just me and one guy,sometimes me , one girl and one guy. Actually those guys prefer to have female housemates only. According to you all of them should have tried to get in my pants?

[frus69]

I don't care how ugly she is, she has a vagina. A vagina he has not been in yet. A vagina with easy access that is different.

 

You are kidding yourself if you think he's not going to go there at some point. And sounds like she may be the initiator, but there's going to be sexual tension to the point that the first time you and your BF fall on bad times or argue, he's going to slay it...

 

wow..you'd sleep with whatever that has a vagina?

[SwordofFlame]

This sounds similar to the scenario where a man has a lot of female friends. The question you need to think about is if she makes a move on him, will he accept?

[frus69]

This sounds similar to the scenario where a man has a lot of female friends. The question you need to think about is if she makes a move on him, will he accept?

 

Well, he said no. He said he's not attracted to her and nothing will happen.

[Sunkissedpatio]

He was with me the whole weekend when she moved in so they didn't spend any time together before she made the dinner request. So believe me they are not chummy at home.

BF didn't say no though , so she may think it's all ok. Yeah I told him he needs to set up boundaries now but I'm not there to observe if he follows. Some people here basically accused him of having wrong intentions all alone and guys will have sex with anything that moves. I hope that's not the case.

We don't know what she feels and if she is not that attractive, by your admission, that leads me to believe your boyfriend is likely more attractive on the scale than she is. She may fancy him, and especially if he is nice to her.

 

So, since women are typically the gatekeepers in most friendships where SHE has decided they'll just be friends, meaning when a woman decides a man is just going to be a friend it is highly unlikely there will ever be more, we don't know what this woman sees in your guy.

 

Your guy might not be interested at ALL but if she is, and it looks like she is the type to force herself on situations or takes liberties that are not welcomed, then she will be someone that will slowly creep in and want more and more if he doesn't put his foot down.

 

And why wouldn't you observe if he follows with the boundaries!?!? You are the one with the concerns.

[RecentChange]

Eh,

 

Let's see, over the years I have had.... 9 male roommates. Never slept with any of them, never flirted or made googly eyes with any of them.

 

At one point in college I had 4 male roommates (I was the only female in the house) - I was one of the bros. I would tease them about the one night stands they brought home, they would rib me about mine. But anything between me and any of them? Forget about it!

 

That said.....heh, I did meet my long term FWB when I came to look at a room he had for rent. We ended up hitting it off, decided to get dinner together, and banged all that night. After that it was mutually decided that renting the room probably wouldn't be the best idea.

 

Some people ARE able to have boundaries

 

And I agree with others, asking for rides, asking him to pick up food etc isn't cool, way too buddy buddy. I never treated roommates like that, unless we were friends before living together.

[frus69]

We don't know what she feels and if she is not that attractive, by your admission, that leads me to believe your boyfriend is likely more attractive on the scale than she is. She may fancy him, and especially if he is nice to her.

 

So, since women are typically the gatekeepers in most friendships where SHE has decided they'll just be friends, meaning when a woman decides a man is just going to be a friend it is highly unlikely there will ever be more, we don't know what this woman sees in your guy.

 

Your guy might not be interested at ALL but if she is, and it looks like she is the type to force herself on situations or takes liberties that are not welcomed, then she will be someone that will slowly creep in and want more and more if he doesn't put his foot down.

 

And why wouldn't you observe if he follows with the boundaries!?!? You are the one with the concerns.

Do you think, by her actions now,that she likes him ? I honestly thought it could be just her social style.

Yeah he needs to say no .But I also know for now he is trying to Build a nice atmosphere around the house so he is making extra effort to be nice. He did say he wasn't going to do keep doing all the favours, just for now. I guess it makes sense, or would you not believe this?

But I have my own place, my own things to do and I cant be over there all the time to observe. Also she behaves really normal when I'm there. On the first day she asked him to walk her/show her around the building, and she also asked me to come along. So she does things fairly appropriately?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Do you think, by her actions now,that she likes him ? I honestly thought it could be just her social style.

Yeah he needs to say no .But I also know for now he is trying to Build a nice atmosphere around the house so he is making extra effort to be nice. He did say he wasn't going to do keep doing all the favours, just for now. I guess it makes sense, or would you not believe this?

But I have my own place, my own things to do and I cant be over there all the time to observe. Also she behaves really normal when I'm there. On the first day she asked him to walk her/show her around the building, and she also asked me to come along. So she does things fairly appropriately?

 

Maybe? But you are right, I wouldn't be so quick to think he is going to screw her just because there is a vajajay in the house. Good for your for giving your man the benefit of the doubt on that front and for trusting that he isn't that vapid or indiscriminate!

 

It could very well be that she is just trying to make nice and build a friendship with someone she has to share a house with.

 

The question is how all that makes you feel, since you brought up the situation which means it's not sitting well with you. So maybe before we all jump to conclusions a better question would be, how does it make you feel when she calls him and or expects him to do things as if they were going out?

 

Of course you are not going to expend your energy trying to see what they are doing back at his house. My suggestion was if you are bothered by the liberties she is taking and this persists all you can do is observe how your guy handles things and at some point if it becomes bothersome to him and you he'll have to just tell her no.

 

Honestly, she sounds kind of lonely and like she wants you guys as friends.

[Gaeta]

Do you think, by her actions now,that she likes him ? I honestly thought it could be just her social style.

Yeah he needs to say no .But I also know for now he is trying to Build a nice atmosphere around the house so he is making extra effort to be nice. He did say he wasn't going to do keep doing all the favours, just for now. I guess it makes sense, or would you not believe this?

But I have my own place, my own things to do and I cant be over there all the time to observe. Also she behaves really normal when I'm there. On the first day she asked him to walk her/show her around the building, and she also asked me to come along. So she does things fairly appropriately?

 

Frus69, hon: you cannot supervise your boyfriend he is not a child. You are in a relationship with him, a relationship based on trust. Now is time to trust him. He is a grown man, trust in him that he knows how to conduct himself while in a relationship with you.

 

You have no worry so far, she is overly social that is all, she is not hitting on him. Things will fall into place with a little bit of time.

 

Do not become the girlfriend from hell controlling her boyfriend's every move and thought. Some people on here are just scaring you with their fertile imagination.

[frus69]

Now is time to trust him. He is a grown man, trust in him that he knows how to conduct himself while in a relationship with you.

.

 

I guess everyone has different set of boundaries and his may not be the same as mine and there will be gray areas.

 

 

Apparently last night she told him she's had pain in her abdominal area and exanimation shows she has ovarian cyst and could be cancerous.

 

 

BF told me this. And I said most of the time cyst is none cancerous. He went out of the way to message her and tell her that the doctor may just be cautious. I don't know if he was trying to comfort her. And he was waiting for her to tell him her test result.

 

 

I feel he cared about her a bit too much? But he says he just finds cancer scary, and she is a housemate, so naturally he wants to know.

 

 

This is another thing that doesn't sit well with me. I wouldn't care so much ,unless she is really diagnosed with cancer. But maybe I'm just a cold hearted person? And his explanation sounds legit. I really cant tell if I'm the one whos over thinking.

Edited November 30, 2016 by frus69

[Sunkissedpatio]

Are you kidding me?

Does this woman have any friends?

 

You're smart to pipe up and be cautious. There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid.

[frus69]

Are you kidding me?

Does this woman have any friends?

 

You're smart to pipe up and be cautious. There is a fine line between trusting and being stupid.

 

Yeah seems like she has many friends.

What are you saying really?

[Gaeta]

I guess everyone has different set of boundaries and his may not be the same as mine and there will be gray areas.

 

 

Apparently last night she told him she's had pain in her abdominal area and exanimation shows she has ovarian cyst and could be cancerous.

 

 

BF told me this. And I said most of the time cyst is none cancerous. He went out of the way to message her and tell her that the doctor may just be cautious. I don't know if he was trying to comfort her. And he was waiting for her to tell him her test result.

 

 

I feel he cared about her a bit too much? But he says he just finds cancer scary, and she is a housemate, so naturally he wants to know.

 

 

This is another thing that doesn't sit well with me. I wouldn't care so much ,unless she is really diagnosed with cancer. But maybe I'm just a cold hearted person? And his explanation sounds legit. I really cant tell if I'm the one whos over thinking.

 

I gave your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt but now I am DONE. Is he all there or what??

 

This is too much and too personal. She has no business telling him about her woman's problem and he has no business messaging her to comfort her.

 

How long has she been a room-mate??

 

Tell him to quit the BS and right now and if he doesn't YOU will be happy to show him what it looks like to have a spine and you will address this with the lady yourself.

[lana-banana]

Most of the time? Try like 98%. Cysts can be painful and f-ck with you, but the fact that she's sharing this with a guy she barely knows suggests she's deeply lonely, a massive drama queen, or both. I think your boyfriend was worried because he doesn't actually know the first thing about ovarian cysts. Set him straight and explain she is being absurd.

 

The good news is that your boyfriend is doing the right things by keeping you informed and frankly if she's already this clingy (whether out of romantic desire or sheer friendlessness) she is going to drive him up the goddamn wall in short order. She's not about to be a rival, that's for sure.

 

Focus on you and your boyfriend. As long as he knows you're uncomfortable and he keeps communicating with you about her, you should be fine. Try to think of ways to make him feel happy and relaxed, because he's going to need it. Maybe you can plan a weekend getaway?

Edited November 30, 2016 by lana-banana

[frus69]

I gave your boyfriend the benefit of the doubt but now I am DONE. Is he all there or what??

 

This is too much and too personal. She has no business telling him about her woman's problem and he has no business messaging her to comfort her.

 

How long has she been a room-mate??

 

Tell him to quit the BS and right now and if he doesn't YOU will be happy to show him what it looks like to have a spine and you will address this with the lady yourself.

 

 

She's been a housemate for...4 days.

If I say he likes her, is it even possible, after 4 days? It's not like she's even hot. I did ask him though, "are you concerned because you like her" and sure he said "no. I don't like her. Not even a slightest bit"

Regarding the message, I don't know if there is other context, don't know why he messaged, maybe she messaged him before or something. Don't know if he was trying to comfort her, that's just how I see it. Add, first she said "I could be either pregnant or having cancer" and my bf was like 'WTF". Then doctor said it was cyst and he has no clue about ovarian cyst and he actually thinks it can be cancer.

She may be the type who tells everyone everything about herself. But I can't control what she does, whether she's really trying to hit on my BF or not.

But do you guys think my BF behaved inappropriately so far? When you say to quit the BS, how? Like kick her out or something?

Edited November 30, 2016 by frus69

[LargoLagg]

She's a user. She was testing him initially. In Star Wars terms, the DOORMAT in this one is strong. She may bang him, or she may not. But she will play him like a yo-yo to get whatever it is that she's after.

 

You picked a weak one. So did she. The only difference is that she has a plan and a methodology.

[Gaeta]

She's been a housemate for...4 days.

If I say he likes her, is it even possible, after 4 days? It's not like she's even hot. I did ask him though, "are you concerned because you like her" and sure he said "no. I don't like her. Not even a slightest bit"

Regarding the message, I don't know if there is other context, don't know why he messaged, maybe she messaged him before or something. Don't know if he was trying to comfort her, that's just how I see it.

She may be the type who tells everyone everything about herself. But I can't control what she does, whether she's really trying to hit on my BF or not.

But do you guys think my BF behaved inappropriately so far? When you say to quit the BS, how? Like kick her out or something?

 

4 days, are you SURE he didn't know her previously?

 

Would you tell your male room-mate of 4 days about your gynecological test?

 

Your boyfriend is soft. He doesn't know how to draw a line. What's next? They will watch chick flicks together eating ice cream and she'll tell him all about her broken dreams?

 

She moved there to rent a place not to become his BFF.

 

You cannot control what she does but your boyfriend can set some limits. He needs to stop feeding this new BFF she has going on with him.

[elaine567]

I have also shared with guys and never would I have been so familiar as to act like a gf, which is what essentially this girl is doing.

So now they are having cosy chats about her ovaries of all things...

 

Sounds like she is pulling his "damsel in distress" strings, and whilst your bf may stay strong, men in general like to play the knight in shining armour and save the maiden.

WHY OH WHY did he do this?

He could instead be having blokey chats in the kitchen about baseball and the latest video game, but no...

[Sunkissedpatio]

Yeah seems like she has many friends.

What are you saying really?

 

I'm saying you are definitely smart to question this situation. This woman sounds a bit whacky.

 

What the hell is she doing discussion ovarian cysts with your man!?!?

 

It's like she is looking for sympathy from him or looking for something...There is always a chance a cyst could be malignant but most the time we get them and they are benign. She's looking for attention. She sounds like a weirdo.