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Guy is not over his ex. How should I proceed?

daintyd27

By daintyd27
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daintyd27 New Member

daintyd27

Posted
Posted

I recently went on a date with a guy who I really clicked with. We had so much in common and the conversation and chemistry was so strong and natural and we had so much fun together. This experience really stood out to me as most dates I have recently been on have been very underwhelming. He had mentioned that he was previously in a 10 year relationship which he came out of 2 years ago and I had previously been in a relationship of a similar duration which I also came out of 2 years ago so we really connected over that.

 

After the date he seemed a little distant a few days after, so I reached out and asked if he was ok and if he had lost any interest. He said that he had not lost any interest but he was struggling as he had come out of a nasty break up (she cheated on him) and he was worried about getting involved as he didn't want to mess me around. I asked him what he was looking at getting from dating and he said he wanted to 'get back out there' and finally move on.

 

As much as I like the guy, I couldn't put myself in the position of being a rebound as it would be too hurtful so I told him that I couldn't go ahead further with dating him but I said that when he has moved on he is welcome to get in touch with me and see if we can try our date again (providing that I am still single). He said that he 'definitely will' and that our date was 'not a night he will forget in a hurry'.

 

Does it sound like he was actually fond of me? Also would you say there is a strong prospect that he will ever get in touch with me or should I just move on and put this all behind me? Also, what amount of time should I wait until I give up on the idea that I will see him again?

  • Like 5
Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

Posted
Posted

Getting involved with someone who is clearly not over his/her ex is bad news. BAD BAD BAD. He was honest about, so do as you had planned and move on. As you said, if he is ready to contact you again, and you are unattached, go from there.

  • Like 8
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

You did the right thing and please don't wait for him.

 

When people tell you they're not over a past relationship it's 2 things:

 

* They are not over a past relationship

* They don't feel it for you strong enough to pursue

 

Whether it's one or the other there is nothing good waiting for you there. You move on and find a man ready to invest himself again.

 

Don't worry about this 'connection' you had with him. This connection can be experienced again with someone else and even stronger.

 

Good luck with everything.

  • Like 11
Formerfiveo Established Member

Formerfiveo

Posted
Posted

Good for you!!!

 

Clear boundaries and clear intentions and no burning of bridges.

 

If it's meant to be, your paths will cross again.

 

For now, continue on with your life. He wants to be part of it, he will.

  • Like 6
Satu Established Member

Satu

Posted
Posted

You did the right thing.

 

Being the rebound girl is definitely to be avoided.

 

 

Take care.

  • Like 2
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

Yes you did the right thing. When a man clearly tells you he doesn't want to hurt you he is saying he loved that cheater so much he may end up back with her. You were right to protect your heart and move on. I don't know why guys have such a hard time getting over a cheating gf or wife. People rarely settle with the next person they date after a relationship. He probably wants to date around before settling down again.

  • Like 3
Blackened Heart Established Member

Blackened Heart

Posted
Posted

Run the other way, if someone isn't over their ex it isn't worth it. Right now I'm not over what had occurred with my ex, thus I am not allowing myself to date anyone seriously. I make it clear to whomever I'm with that I am not looking for a serious commitment, but not everyone will do this.

  • Like 2
Arieswoman Established Member

Arieswoman

Posted
Posted

Daintyd27,

Never put your life on "hold" for anyone.

 

Just accept that the timing wasn't right for both of you and move on.

 

Life is full of these disappointments, I'm afraid.

 

I've been out with guys who said "they didn't want anything serious" - so I finished with them.

6,8,10 months later they're in a relationship with someone else and going strong :confused:

 

Ah well........:)

  • Like 1
  • 2 weeks later...
EveryWomanJ2911 Member

EveryWomanJ2911

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry you were disappointed by this encounter not going forward. It sounds like you two are on different pages and that you should move towards your relationship goals with someone else who is more in sync with you. Potential for a good mate is not necessarily all it takes to have a successful meeting, as there has to be mutual desire to carry things forward as well. Moving forward looks to be a good option at this point to increase the likelihood of meeting a solid match for yourself.

 

If moving forward is a lot for you to do right now, maybe just enjoy this time of year with family and friends and give yourself a break from the dating scene. It will still be there tomorrow, plus you could use this time to really consider what you would like to accomplish in 2017. Maybe give your mind some time to focus on something else for a bit, and then hit the ground running after the New Year with a fresh perspective that gives your relationship goals and values a front seat in your life so that you go forward with others who share those goals and values. Trying to "make things happen" with someone who is not on the same page, or waiting for them to "come around," is not helpful to you or realistic to him. This is only temporary and things will change. :)

 

Blessings and Peace Friend!

  • Like 1
Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

Posted
Posted

You said and did the exact right thing. I think especially good was the question where you asked him what he hoped to get out of dating. I am pointing this one out particularly because his answer is not good enough that you should keep him in your mind right now: "get back out there". That answer isn't solid enough. You deserve more. You are not a chick some guy just uses to get his ego back up to speed. When and if he is ready to see you as the person who deserves more, then see what he says/does at that point. Your answer and actions couldn't really have been more perfect. Pretty sure if he is ready to think about moving on, that kind of answer on your part is the type of thing that will have him wondering about you.

 

For you, don't put a time frame on it. Just move on. Mean exactly what you said: you will consider it if you are single at that time. Highlight "CONSIDER" not necessarily accept. Good luck!

Mystique01 Established Member

Mystique01

Posted
Posted
I recently went on a date with a guy who I really clicked with. We had so much in common and the conversation and chemistry was so strong and natural and we had so much fun together. This experience really stood out to me as most dates I have recently been on have been very underwhelming. He had mentioned that he was previously in a 10 year relationship which he came out of 2 years ago and I had previously been in a relationship of a similar duration which I also came out of 2 years ago so we really connected over that.

 

After the date he seemed a little distant a few days after, so I reached out and asked if he was ok and if he had lost any interest. He said that he had not lost any interest but he was struggling as he had come out of a nasty break up (she cheated on him) and he was worried about getting involved as he didn't want to mess me around. I asked him what he was looking at getting from dating and he said he wanted to 'get back out there' and finally move on.

 

As much as I like the guy, I couldn't put myself in the position of being a rebound as it would be too hurtful so I told him that I couldn't go ahead further with dating him but I said that when he has moved on he is welcome to get in touch with me and see if we can try our date again (providing that I am still single). He said that he 'definitely will' and that our date was 'not a night he will forget in a hurry'.

 

Does it sound like he was actually fond of me? Also would you say there is a strong prospect that he will ever get in touch with me or should I just move on and put this all behind me? Also, what amount of time should I wait until I give up on the idea that I will see him again?

 

As other posters have already mentioned, you did the RIGHT thing. NEVER get involved with a guy who flat out tells you that he is not over his ex. NEVER! This is a recipe for disaster imo.

 

IF someone tells you that they are not over their ex, believe it.

 

I think you handled it maturely, and I know it was the right decision.

 

Keep your heart open to him (IF he ever resurfaces), but by all means, DON'T wait for him. Date others. Keep living your life.

 

And if he ever does resurface or try to contact you, please (whatever you do) don't get in the role of playing his therapist. He should come to you healthy....not still struggling with his baggage. :( Don't slip into the role of therapist/counselor.

  • Like 2
Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Posted
Posted

Sometimes when you hear the words "nasty break up" and wanting to " see what's out there and in order to move on" is usually an indication that, that particular person isn't in a position to date and isn't really ready to move on.

 

I'm glad you could see this guy wasn't the right guy for you. No one needs to be the person that someone needs to ummm and ahhhhh about before they are ready to move on. You deserve to be with someone that considers their ex as a distant memory and won't even feel the need to really mention them that much.

Aesc Established Member

Aesc

Posted
Posted (edited)

There are no hard and fast "rules" when it comes to rebound relationships. It's not like non-rebound relationships are always successful either. Best thing would be to talk about it, mention you desires, hopes and also your concerns. You cannot realistically expect someone who was in a lengthy relationship to just up and forget someone who they spent a considerable portion of their life with. Brain chemistry is not a simple On/Off switch that you can flip anytime you choose.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Edited by Aesc
OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted

He'll never move past a former relationship by "getting back out there". I won't say that the next person down the line will be the rebound but even a long term relationship probably won't be stable and healthy. It took me some time to figure out who I was and what I wanted when I got divorced. It took me awhile but I realized that being single again really opened a lot of doors for me professionally. Doors that I had closed when I got married.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

never date or hope for someone who is not emotionally available to you. Sure you could just toss all the red flags out the window and take that chance...but at what cost?

  • Like 1
Miyoko Member

Miyoko

Posted
Posted
never date or hope for someone who is not emotionally available to you. Sure you could just toss all the red flags out the window and take that chance...but at what cost?

 

This is So true.

Butterflying Established Member

Butterflying

Posted
Posted

I once stopped dating a guy who told me he wasn't over his XGF. I felt a strong connect to him. Chemistry was good. After 2 months him & ex were communicating a lot, sometimes interrupting my time with him. He was honest & apologetic. He didn't want to stop dating. But he respected my decision to just be friends until he was available wholeheartedly for me. A year later, he sent me a wedding invitation. The woman he married was not the ex. It was someone he met online around the same time he met me.

 

When a person is into you, nobody else matters. They won't let anyone stop them from dating or marrying you. Saying they are still in love with an ex is an excuse to string you along when they already know they don't want you & will never want you the way you deserve to be loved.

Daisy-oliviaWentcher Established Member

Daisy-oliviaWentcher

Posted
Posted (edited)
I once stopped dating a guy who told me he wasn't over his XGF. I felt a strong connect with him. Chemistry was good. After two months he & ex-were communicating a lot, sometimes interrupting my time with him. He was honest & apologetic. He didn't want to stop dating. But he respected my decision just to be friends until he was available wholeheartedly for me. A year later, he sent me a wedding invitation. The woman he married was not the ex. It was someone he met online around the same time he met me.

 

When a person is into you, nobody else matters. They won't let anyone stop them from dating or marrying you. Saying they are still in love with an ex is an excuse to string you along when they already know they don't want you & will never want you the way you deserve to be loved.

 

I wholeheartedly agree on weather, someone means it or not the " ex" is just an excuse to say " I'm not that into you". Why hang around for someone who still hasn't made their mind about you? Wouldn't you want to wait for someone who knows if they like you straight away? I used to be in love with someone that wasn't over their ex and said he wanted to burn bridges. I just kept thinking, if I showed how loving and supportive I am he'd come around. Clueless. Well, six months later he was dating someone else. So much for the, " not ready for a relationship/ burning bridges with an ex". Rubbish. Once he finished dating her, he was straight onto the next relationship, once he finished dating that girl, he was on to the next relationship.

 

I wasn't going to hang around, so I started distancing myself from him. I did bump into him very recently as in two weeks ago. Saying I was in a relationship while he had just broken up with someone was a bit of a vitriolic moment for me, especially when he strung me along. But I look at him now, and I have zero feelings for him. The guy I am with would never treat me the way that guy had treated me, and I pat myself on the back for landing a guy so awesome!

 

Seriously sweetie, walk away. No man is worth the misery of standing by why he treats you like " so, so".

 

You can do better than this, even if it is him, that thinks he can do better.

Edited by Daisy-oliviaWentcher
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