OLD not having the expected results

[Tonofbricks]

I am at a point where I guess I found that this wasn't going to be easy. Never did I think that it would happen overnight. With the plethora of women on OLD and such I figured an interesting distraction wouldn't be out of the question. I have been on a few dates but have found my reception on there lukewarm at best. Did have one woman say I was the first"normal" date she'd had in quite a while... not going straight into hookup mode I guess.. that's really not who I am or what I'd want in a quality person. It would be great but not with someone I would see any type of future with.

 

I am currently going through a separation and make that known upfront and am honest about it. I hide nothing. When on these few dates I've been on I don't breach the x and baggage unless appropriate, also not giving gory details and specifics unless part of a conversation. Most divorced folks have them and it's apart of us and how we got to the place we are.

 

Perhaps it's too soon or I'm just trying too hard but just don't seem to be meeting the type of woman that I'd be attracted to. Looking over profiles and matching the ideals and comments made with a similar response (quality) have yielded little in return. So with each no reply I put forth less and less effort.

And you can forget about this type of woman contacting first, they have their pick due to the ratio.

 

It would have been nice to find someone to spend some time with and enjoy the holidays with and see where it led. Perhaps I need to do more work on me to attract the right woman.. or simply stop trying to meet and just let it happen... which often is painfully slow.

 

So what advice can you guys give me ? Keep at it or take a hiatus? I am trying to focus on the positives because i know mindset has a lot to do with whatvand who you attract. You get what you focus on and in your mind what you tell yourself you deserve.

[PegNosePete]

You don't seem to be having the problem most guys have which is getting NO replies and NO dates. You are getting dates so OLD is working. The part that isn't working is the real-life part.

 

You just aren't meeting the right one. That just takes patience and persistence. Either keep at it or take a break... up to you really... if you take a break then it will still be there when you get back. It doesn't get any easier. You just have to keep doing what you're doing and remember, it doesn't matter how many wrong ones you need, you only need to meet ONE right one!

[phineas]

i'm off old but i realized that nobody is honest in their profile.

Or very few are.

So, i just look at the pictures and fire off a generic message.

Those women in return look at my pics then look at my stats to see if i meet their criteria and respond or don't.

 

i did get a lot of flaking.

but whats even weirder is after they flake they will come back like a month to months later and hit me up.

 

i've also had women who flaked hit me up a yr later and actually ask me if we had talked before.

 

i had to get off online dating.

the women who use it these days in the late 30's/early 40's are just sad.

 

They have reached a point where they have rejected or been rejected by every guy and now have to dive into their trash bin so to speak and root around for a date.

 

then they still act like flaking on you was their right and don't even bother apologizing or outright deny it and tell me i was thinking of someone else.

 

no thanks.

[Tonofbricks]

You don't seem to be having the problem most guys have which is getting NO replies and NO dates.

 

 

Right and when you finally DO get a reply and want to set up a Meet...they flake.

Had that happen several times too. In addition to that or tinder match 5 miles from me that swiped first and doesn't respond .. wth are you on tinder for? Edited December 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[LookAtThisPOst]

the women who use it these days in the late 30's/early 40's are just sad.

 

They have reached a point where they have rejected or been rejected by every guy and now have to dive into their trash bin so to speak and root around for a date.

 

It's so funny you mentioned this. I would take a year off from, for example, POF...come back under a fresh profile and pictures and still see the same women who flaked or were unresponsive on there. Single, never married 40-something online dating spinsters that have become permanent fixtures of the site.

 

Pretty much the same women a year or even longer ago and I figure, "Should I even bother emailing them again?" lol Some aren't really all that much to write home about in the looks department either.

 

Apparently, they overvalue value themselves and are holding out for the impossible hunk to meander into this backwater area.

[Larryville]

I am currently on an OLD “break” I believe it is necessary for mental health. I would advise anyone that when things seemingly don’t work out or you don’t find what you are looking for occasionally back away.

 

Also to me, you (OP) still in your separation process, personally I would not recommend it because the mind is cluttered will all sorts of frankly more pressing stuff.

 

With the plethora of women on OLD

 

Biggest mistake men make when venturing onto OLD, that a given website has (X) number of women and those women are seemingly all available to them. They are not, not even close.

 

No matter how good looking someone thinks they are we all still have disqualifiers. Things like, education, finances, height, kids, race, religion, quirks, faults, history, baggage hell even hair style, color length. I say this because OLD is nothing more now than catalog browsing. Because of attention spans, superficiality, selfishness nobody bothers to engage anyone on a meaning level. While some of us are lucky and would refute that, the mental distance is the norm.

 

Single, never married 40-something online dating spinsters that have become permanent fixtures of the site.

 

I’ve said many times because our eyes glaze over in the search process some people use OLD simply as a real life video game. Too many of the women described above do become fixtures and get addicted to their dating app dinging because a new dude sends another “generic message.” This is a problem because the women KNOW it’s a generic message thereby they start to delete messages without reading and especially if the woman is reasonable attractive they don’t have the time to actually all the messages.

 

Also you can find the OLD spinsters easily, if they are 40's and above usually decades old pictures...

 

Women like the attention, with each message there is some validation of their attractiveness (its an ego boost) . Forget about the fact that some dudes will message whoever within a reasonable driving distance. We gloss over mentally, the cycle repeats over and over.

 

You are getting dates so OLD is working.

 

Yup is all you want is a number of pointless meaningless encounters just to entertain yourself we can all get dates. But eventually the frustration and frankly anger will set in.

 

So, i just look at the pictures and fire off a generic message.

 

I get this and have gotten so detached I have done, but it never works.

 

Perhaps I need to do more work on me to attract the right woman..

 

BINGO, I can tell you from experience this is so important. If you don’t you will become more angry and detached and you will carry that vibe to any subsequent dates and women (good, smart and in touch) women can and will smell that frustration a mile away.

Work on you, find yourself and figure out what you want, then engage in OLD with a clear mindset.

 

Sorry for the novel, just kinda resonated with me in a past life LOL!

[Tonofbricks]

 

Sorry for the novel, just kinda resonated with me in a past life LOL!

 

As long as it can be a past life then I can go with that..and I've even been realistic with the people I've tried to contact..I know my place but I'm confident in who I am and for the most part what I'm looking for.

[SunnySide0418]

Some women may not want to get involved with someone separated.

[Patrice]

been divorced for 7 years. Painful process, and know the road it took. I don't want to be a rebound for someone who hasn't sorted through their own stuff.

[Gaeta]

Any woman that is serious about finding herself a good man will not get involved with a man in the process of separating. You are expecting too much too soon.

 

When I was online men like you were my worse nightmare. I had been divorced 10 years, got my life on track and I kept coming across those men barely out of relationships which I know are the last men I need to get involved with.

 

Second, you went on a couple of dates and it's not working? About you try 3,5 years online and 200 meetings, that's what it took for me to meet my current boyfriend.

 

If you are in the middle of a separation the last thing you need is to be online.

[Satu]

This might not be the advice you want, OP, but here it is anyway:

 

 

"Never begin a new relationship until you've fully moved on from the one before.

 

Also never begin a new relationship with someone who hasn't fully moved on from their one before.

 

By 'moved on,' I mean any necessary grieving done, not preoccupied with the ex, enjoying life, feeling good about yourself, and optimistic about the future.

 

The best way to move on is to decide to be single for a while; not dating, not hooking up, no fwb. Get some counselling if the breakup was particularly traumatic.

 

'Get back on the horse' is sound advice, but its best to let the cuts and bruises heal before you do."

 

 

Take care.

[Miss Peach]

Any woman that is serious about finding herself a good man will not get involved with a man in the process of separating. You are expecting too much too soon.

 

Totally agree with this and I'm currently seeing a separated man. But I really do question being with him since I'm not sure to what extent he's over his ex enough and am cautious about being a rebound. If I hadn't met him so soon after my last LTR ended I probably wouldn't have given him a second look once he said he wasn't divorced.

 

One thing I have noticed from my own divorce is that I dated too soon. I met guys who appealed to me at the time but were not really good for me once I healed. It wasn't until I sorted out my own issues that I attracted better men who treated me better.

[Sweetfish]

i'm off old but i realized that nobody is honest in their profile.

Or very few are.

So, i just look at the pictures and fire off a generic message.

Those women in return look at my pics then look at my stats to see if i meet their criteria and respond or don't.

 

i did get a lot of flaking.

but whats even weirder is after they flake they will come back like a month to months later and hit me up.

 

i've also had women who flaked hit me up a yr later and actually ask me if we had talked before.

 

i had to get off online dating.

the women who use it these days in the late 30's/early 40's are just sad.

 

They have reached a point where they have rejected or been rejected by every guy and now have to dive into their trash bin so to speak and root around for a date.

 

then they still act like flaking on you was their right and don't even bother apologizing or outright deny it and tell me i was thinking of someone else.

 

no thanks.

 

Exactly why good guys refuse to get intimate or take many older women serious.

 

Because noooow they learned the unicorn doesn't exist and on OLD..what you do get in return... is a bunch of guys looking to fulfill their sexual needs and become desperate.

 

So it's literally going thru garbage.. looking for a gold nugget.

Edited December 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

I guess the "quality" women you seek, ie those with their act together, will not want to date a separated man.

Your wife only left in June 2016, so few women would want to take the risk on you as a serious prospect.

They do not want to get involved to find a few months later when they are just getting comfortable, your wife is back on the scene and you want to give your marriage another go, or she finds she is just a rebound so gets dumped in favour of someone else, once you get your head together.

Newly separated people are notoriously unreliable.

 

I suggest you look for local places where you can make new friends not lovers and work from there.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

I am currently going through a separation and make that known upfront and am honest about it. I hide nothing. When on these few dates I've been on I don't breach the x and baggage unless appropriate, also not giving gory details and specifics unless part of a conversation. Most divorced folks have them and it's apart of us and how we got to the place we are.

 

Perhaps it's too soon or I'm just trying too hard but just don't seem to be meeting the type of woman that I'd be attracted to. Looking over profiles and matching the ideals and comments made with a similar response (quality) have yielded little in return. So with each no reply I put forth less and less effort.

 

It would have been nice to find someone to spend some time with and enjoy the holidays with and see where it led. Perhaps I need to do more work on me to attract the right woman.. or simply stop trying to meet and just let it happen... which often is painfully slow.

 

 

If you want my advice I would focus on all those things I just highlighted in your post. Those are the detractors that are keeping you from:

 

a) making the right choices

b) finding someone whilst being truly open of heart (I have no idea what your marriage was like but I am pretty certain if you are going through a separation you are not emotionally ready to let love in)

 

OLD takes time, lots of time and a few dates. But you are going through a separation. And that is the key here. You need time internally to settle your past. Keep dating if you feel ready but change your outlook.

 

Giving yourself the goal of being with someone by x-mas so that it could lead to more is the totally the wrong attitude and focus to have. Your focus should be on how you can improve yourself from all the things that lead to the demise of your last relationship so that you don't end up in another broken/failed relationship.

 

That should be everyone's focus really. But too many people need to jump right into another relationship.

 

You want to meet someone just in time for x-mas and that desperation is going to lead you down the wrong paths.

 

You need time on your own and you need to calm your needs. Once those needs are calm and once you are happy just being you, that's when you will find someone who not only appeals to you but that tics off all the boxes of what you want in a mate and will reciprocate your needs.

[joseb]

Its interesting how many women would not consider dating someone separated.

I agree that dating too soon after splitting up is not a good idea, but the separated guys I know have been separated for at least a year or two (i.e. terminated relationship, moved out) and have moved on, but divorce can take a while. Is it because of the legal stresses that you don't want to get involved?

I guess that's fair enough.

[Tonofbricks]

Thanks everyone for the mature discussion... that's why I love this place! I guess an interesting side note to my story or driving force..x had affair about 3 months before seperation. She's 43 and it shows signs of a mlc.. but regardless she wanted out and left. She since has become involved with om and has hitched her wagon to him. Any hoo.. it wondering what the difference between the two of us ... people say I need to take time and heal , work on me...

 

She however has done nothing, participated in only mc session in the early stages ..one in which I was to blame - acknowledging none on her part. Quickly transitioned from a ea to a pa with om.

 

So long story short ... I guess I was using her new relationship as a yardstick as to when I should "have" one...know that's something I shouldn't do.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Its interesting how many women would not consider dating someone separated.

I agree that dating too soon after splitting up is not a good idea, but the separated guys I know have been separated for at least a year or two (i.e. terminated relationship, moved out) and have moved on, but divorce can take a while. Is it because of the legal stresses that you don't want to get involved?

I guess that's fair enough.

 

 

It's not so much the legal stresses if you are in your 40's one way or another you are dealing with some form of baggage or aftermath of someone's past marriage but more so it is psychological. Fear that they will reconcile and not go though with the divorce and the separation is just a trial. It happens a lot.

Or at least I think it does...

[Tonofbricks]

Its interesting how many women would not consider dating someone separated.

I agree that dating too soon after splitting up is not a good idea, but the separated guys I know have been separated for at least a year or two (i.e. terminated relationship, moved out) and have moved on, but divorce can take a while. Is it because of the legal stresses that you don't want to get involved?

I guess that's fair enough.

 

 

I even sought out "separated " women .. just so we were on the same footing generally..more often than not they didn't respond either or replied with not wanting to get into a R with a sep man...

[Sunkissedpatio]

Thanks everyone for the mature discussion... that's why I love this place! I guess an interesting side note to my story or driving force..x had affair about 3 months before seperation. She's 43 and it shows signs of a mlc.. but regardless she wanted out and left. She since has become involved with om and has hitched her wagon to him. Any hoo.. it wondering what the difference between the two of us ... people say I need to take time and heal , work on me...

 

She however has done nothing, participated in only mc session in the early stages ..one in which I was to blame - acknowledging none on her part. Quickly transitioned from a ea to a pa with om.

 

So long story short ... I guess I was using her new relationship as a yardstick as to when I should "have" one...know that's something I shouldn't do.

 

It's interesting that you admited this I was totally going to ask you if your ex had moved on already? Something about you saying you "would have liked to have met someone by x-mas and see where it leads" sounded to me like you were coming from a competitive stance more than a real yearning to find love. Which is totally understandable since the ego has been bruised by the infidelity and you feel a sense of "competition"

 

I went through a phase myself where I just wanted to quickly get over things so that I could move on too, since my ex left me for someone as well. And I realized what I was doing and stopped myself dead in my tracks.

 

Then you realize whatever baggage they had in your relationship that contributed to your marriage's demise will most definitely be carried over into their new relationship and that's their problem. Why take on the same problem for yourself?

 

Use this time to be the BEST that you can be and then offer that to the universe. You'll come out winning on top.

 

I found an old email the other day that my ex and I exchanged during an argument, and during a time where his fight or flight reflex was leading him to kill the relationship every time we had a fight.

 

I didn't remember this discussion until I read the email. In that email where he was begging me to pay no attention to what he had done in anger because he didn't mean it I challenged him and said to him "this is either a pattern with you and you have done this before in other relationships and you simply haven't fixed it or there is something between us that really isn't working and your gut is telling you it's best to walk away. In which case you should be listening to it and we should both pay attention to this because I've already expressed to you I can't have our relationship end every time we have a disagreement"

 

His response was, "I have done this before in all my past relationships it is a terrible habit that started in my marriage, I say that I want to end the relationship and then go out for a drive to cool off for a few hours and of course I don't mean it.

 

The point of me sharing that story is, this is what happens when you don't fix old patterns. Your ex-wife, who jumped in head first into next rel., will go on to make the same mistakes that she made with you when she and her lover are over the "honeymoon" phase.

Don't make the same mistake yourself, because you allow yourself to get caught in the competition of having someone driven by your ego.

Edited November 29, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Tonofbricks]

Thanks sunkissed, that is the best example to prove your point.... and point well taken. The comp with x I guess is just natural reaction. Now looking back a ok marriage was not so ok...that I accepted less than what I gave to it..

[elaine567]

It's not so much the legal stresses if you are in your 40's one way or another you are dealing with some form of baggage or aftermath of someone's past marriage but more so it is psychological. Fear that they will reconcile and not go though with the divorce and the separation is just a trial. It happens a lot.

Or at least I think it does...

 

It is also the fear of the rebound.

He slots her into the wife's place and once he is finished grieving he goes

"Who is this woman? She is NOT my wife?"

"I hardly know her, but I know she is not what I want."

She is then heart-broken, as she went into it clear headed and he is exactly what she wants.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It is also the fear of the rebound.

He slots her into the wife's place and once he is finished grieving he goes

"Who is this woman? She is NOT my wife?"

"I hardly know her, but I know she is not what I want."

She is then heart-broken, as she went into it clear headed and he is exactly what she wants.

 

Totally! And now that I am reading the narrative over and over and over again on here, the guy fresh out of a relationship looking to get proverbially under someone to get over another, even less I will give separated guys a chance.

 

I'm sorry for all the legit separated guys but I won't even get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship and if you have been separated for 6-12 months the question begs to be asked. What's the holdup?

 

On average in my country it takes 4-5 months to get a divorce. So I don't see what the excuse is...

 

Had guys tell me on OLD separated for a year. Why?

[TheTraveler]

 

I am currently going through a separation and make that known upfront and am honest about it. I hide nothing. When on these few dates I've been on I don't breach the x and baggage unless appropriate, also not giving gory details and specifics unless part of a conversation.

 

I'm a guy. Maybe you should stop mentioning it? You're wearing it like a badge of honor or a name tag like an employee at best buy.

 

Why is this being brought up on dates with new women? And if it even does come up, I talk about the about the positives of my ex's and cut it short and change subject. I don't go into heavy detail about ex's in the first few dates. The person in front of me is who i am interested in.

[Tonofbricks]

I'm a guy. Maybe you should stop mentioning it? You're wearing it like a badge of honor or a name tag like an employee at best buy.

 

Why is this being brought up on dates with new women? And if it even does come up, I talk about the about the positives of my ex's and cut it short and change subject. I don't go into heavy detail about ex's in the first few dates. The person in front of me is who i am interested in.

 

 

Understand your point and the thought had crossed my mind. If I were meeting women f2f this takes on a whole new meaning. But most OLD askes specifically about your current state. If you fail to answer you better be like the little guys on the abercrobie bags.... or else your avoided like the plague.

 

I guess I could be douchey and lie but that's just not me. I'd rather be content with the people I've met than go that route.

 

I feel as though at some point I will come out of this on the better end.