How do you think this relationship will unfold?

[medigirl]

Hi there..

 

I’m returning with a new question based on my previous thread.

 

Mods please don’t merge. That one has been more than a month ago and I want to bring up a completely new question and issue unrelated to the previous question.

 

I would appreciate if you could comment in a non-judging manner and objectively tell me what the future could bring.

 

So, this happened after last time:

 

- We reconciled

- I actually took me 2 months to make this decision, so it's not that I didn't think about it

- We decided to press the reset button and ignore the past. There was just too much to argue about so we decided to leave the past be and restart instead

- We moved in together into a completely new apartment

- He still does not have a job after 2 months but I’ll help him find one at the hospital I work at

 

So, I completely understand that earlier this year he broke up with me to find someone else. But obviously he realized during the year that 1) he can’t stay alone 2) others aren’t that supportive with him as I was.

 

As such, he decided to return, having now experienced others too. Now he knows based on experience that even if he leaves again, the same will happen. Therefore, I strongly believe he would stay for good this time. I mean, he actually did try to leave and find others (and despite “finding” many others) it was not what he was looking for.

 

I think he realized that this is it now and that he needs to settle and can’t play around catch anymore. He’s a guy that abhors to be alone and despite his flaws is interested in connection and the support a partner/family gives. He was never “alone” the past 10 years or so… always in a long-term relationship with someone.

 

He’s also not the kind who just randomly breaks up. Before me he was in another 4 year relationship with someone else (the girl left him) and before that in another 3-4 year one with someone else. Sure, he may have cheated on them too but he did not leave them.

 

The only time he actually left someone was with me early this year but it’s evident now that it did not work out for him and decided to come back. He tried it, but knows now for a fact that if he leaves again the same will happen.

 

And I have the feeling he realized that the time for going around finding long-term partners is gone for him. He’s also close to 30 and it’s apparent he wants a stable partner now with whom he can live together etc. and not to start again from 0 with someone new etc.

 

This is also reinforced by the fact that he wanted us to rent a completely new and larger apartment. If he would have just wanted to drop by my place until he finds a job then he would have done that, not suggested a new and long-term common apartment.

 

How do you think this relationship will unfold? – Please don’t be judging on me, I’m genuinely interested in objective feedback.

Edited November 29, 2016 by medigirl

[winny]

Why do you want to be with a cheating jobless man who calls you names?

Where is your dignity and self worth?

I dont see you being happy in future.... I am sorry but its the truth.

[TheTraveler]

After reading your previous first post and this one...all I can say is good luck since you're both committed to a long-term lease

 

What feedback do you want?

[medigirl]

After reading your previous first post and this one...all I can say is good luck since you're both committed to a long-term lease

 

 

I'm not sure what you mean. :/

[basil67]

So, you've got this jobless, cheating, abuser back. He's back with you not because he loves you, but because he can't bear to be alone and you do good stuff for him. Gee, that must make you feel good. (sarcasm)

 

Ignoring the past because it's just so broken is probably the worst decision you can make here. All those unresolved arguments are going to rise up and bite you both in the rear end. If they were significant enough to make the relationship end a first time, they are significant to make it end a second time.

 

A predictor of how this will go? 'Disaster in the making' is my bet.

[BaileyB]

So, just to be sure I'm understanding...

 

- he's cheated on you multiple times

- he left you to go play the field and told you not to do the same, because he may change his mind and come back to you

- he's previously been and is currently unemployed

- he is verbally and physically abusive to you

 

Your defence that he is a good guy is that he's had some long term relationships in the past and although he has cheated on these women, he hasn't left them... Are you serious? You really need to have higher standards for a life partner.

 

But, you've taken him back and moved in with him because he "can't be alone" and he has decided that you are the one... The "one" he is going to abuse and financially ruin because you are now living together and on the hook for rent and living expenses...

 

You better hope that this relationship ends quickly because if it doesn't, it will destroy you... Financially, emotionally.

 

I say this in all honesty and with all due respect, you have some serious self esteem and codependency issues that you need to deal with or you will move from unhealthy relationship to unhealthy relationship... And let's be very clear, what you have with this man is beyond an unhealthy relationship - it's self destructive.

Edited November 29, 2016 by BaileyB

[Gaeta]

How do you think this relationship will unfold? – Please don’t be judging on me, I’m genuinely interested in objective feedback.

 

They say: if you want to glimpse your future then look behind you.

 

Objectively I only see more of what you have already put up with. More cheating, more abuse, more laziness, more him sucking the life out of you.

[Rjonny]

My condolences. You have just completely destroyed your life.

 

What's unfortunate is that I actually believe you are correct. He will most likely never leave you and based on your story it's also unlikely you will ever leave him.

 

He will of course continue to cheat, abuse, manipulate and as you two become older it will get worse.

 

Keep in mind that the reason he chose you is because he did not manage to replace you (you admit this yourself). This means you are the fallback option.

As time goes on, this will cause resentment and frustration on his behalf as well. And rest assured he will let all that frustration out on you in form of emotional and later physical abuse.

While he may be provided for financially by you, as the years roll on he will become more and more bitter and will tolerate you less and less, as you are not the genuine choice for him. And being dependent on you financially, he may never leave.

 

So, like I said, my condolences.

 

I do not know what happened to you in your past that made you put up with this... but I am so sorry.

Edited November 29, 2016 by Rjonny

[Zahara]

 

So, I completely understand that earlier this year he broke up with me to find someone else. But obviously he realized during the year that 1) he can’t stay alone 2) others aren’t that supportive with him as I was.

 

I'm not sure how you typed that without having any self-awareness or self-reflection into how destructive it is.

 

1) He can't stay alone - Likely came back around and settled for you. How has this not registered in your brain after everything that has happened?

 

2) Others aren't supportive of him as you were - They weren't supportive because they had enough self-respect to identify a bad apple who was just around to use them. Your "supportive" is your need to appease this man by giving and giving hoping he will love/validate you. That's not being supportive, that's just you being a co-dependent, a doormat.

[RecentChange]

How do I think it will unfold?

 

He will continue to disrespect you. He will continue not earning a living. He will continue walking all over you because you have shown him it is acceptable.

 

You will continue to accept the mal treatment. He will continue to cheat, he'll get bored with you, but still keep you around. Your self esteem will continue to dwindle.

 

How do you see this relationship unfolding?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear...!

 

All I can say in reading both posts is, he has realized that there really isn't anything better out there for him UNTIL he starts to toy with the idea that:

 

"Hey maybe I didn't give it enough of a chance last time" or

"Maybe I just didn't look hard enough" or

"That was then now I am seeing there are a lot of opportunities out there" or

"Boy the office babe sure is supportive of my woes at home, she sure understands me and all the psycho bullsht I have to deal with at home with "ball n'chain"

 

 

Point being, he is a proven cheater. He is a proven escaper when it comes to dealing with problems in a relationship. He is abusive and manipulative and so sure he has you wound tightly around his finger that he actually said to you "don't have anyone while I have girlfriends because I might want to come back to you"

 

Do you honestly think this man has reached a point of changing his way and can leave his sense of entitlement behind him to never feel he is owed someone better because you have forgiven him and allowed him to continue to disrespect you?

 

There is absolutely no way this man will not disrespect you again. You are showing him what you are willing to tolerate that what he is doing TOTALLY acceptable, every time you take him back. For most people cheating is deal breaker, for you it is a "ok if you grovel hard enough I'll be ok with it"

 

I'm sorry to be so harsh but save yourself from yourself. Please!

[Sunkissedpatio]

To put it bluntly, how this relationship will unfold is that there will be a lot of cake eating.

 

Do you know what I mean by that?

 

You will end up in an open relationship unbeknownst to you while he gets to have the best of both worlds.

[eightytwenty]

Oh my gawd....

 

He's not working because you're supporting him. You trying to get him a job, sweetheart, realize he doesn't want one, if he did he would of gotten one. I wanna guess he's a gamer that plays his game during the day.

 

He's cheated on you, and will continue it. Of course he said he's not going to do it again because a cheater isn't going to tell you they are.

 

Actions speak louder than words.. His actions have shown he's a worthless dog. Get rid of him girl!! Not now but yesterday!!

[elaine567]

Some months ago (when he was leaving me alone) I actually found an inner peace and balance I have never experienced. I met new friends and reconnected with a few old ones that I lost because during the last few years I had to distance myself from all my friends because it would always lead to an argument with him when I went out with them.

 

^^^ remember this^^^

 

YOU are hell-bent on sabotaging yourself.

I don't know why that is but YOU need to find out why.

[BaileyB]

^^^ remember this^^^

 

YOU are hell-bent on sabotaging yourself.

I don't know why that is but YOU need to find out why.

 

Quoted for truth! You really need to reflect on this and find out why you are sabotaging yourself in this way. Do it now, or do it later (when he cheats, or beats you, or leaves you). I would suggest that you do it now - save yourself the years of pain and give yourself the opportunity to enjoy the one life that you have been given.