I just can't understand what's happened.

[imbo1993]

Hello everyone.

 

Just over a month ago, my fiancee left me, out of the blue. It's a very long story but I'll try my best to explain it. I think some of you may be shocked, I know I certainly still am!

 

Okay so the week before the breakup, my fiancee seemed a bit different. She got home from work and complained about being tired each time. This was quite normal with her but she was a lot more snappy than normal. Anyway, the week went on and on the Saturday we went down to see my Dad who lives by the sea. We were going down because I was off to a concert with my Dad in a nearby town (it was a birthday present) while my fiancee was going to go shopping in the local town with my Step Mum. We got the train to my Dad's, met him at his flat then we both went off for our days out.

 

I was having a really good day with my Dad, although hardly any contact from my fiancee. All was going well until 6pm when I had a phone call from my fiancee. She asked what time we'd be leaving to go home the next day. I said we'd leave after lunch then she cut me off. I was in a state of confusion then suddenly got another phone call from my fiancee, this time saying she had called my Grandad (who lives near my Dad) and he was going to be taking her home then and then. I asked her why and she said she needed to talk to me about something serious. She then put the phone down on me again and I almost collapsed. I knew something was wrong. Anyway, my Step Mum phoned my Dad to tell him that she had managed to keep my fiancee at the flat. So my Dad phoned my Grandad and he came to pick us up. Bear in mind, this was just an hour before the concert was going to start!

 

So I got to my Dad's flat, she was sitting in the lounge and I shut the door behind me. I asked her what was wrong and she said she didn't love me anymore. This was a massive shock as we have been completely loved up since the day we met. She then proceeded to give me reasons, none of which we couldn't have worked on. She kept complaining about my mum, despite my mum having done everything she could for her. She then moaned at me for not always washing the dishes every time she came home from work. I couldn't take any more and ran to the toilet to be sick, where I also collapsed in shock. My Dad came in to help me, which was the first time I've ever cried in front of him. Anyway, she told me that she wanted to remain friends and would proceed to help me with the rent for our flat until it was over, which would have been next August. My Grandad eventually gave her a lift home.

 

Now this is where the strange behaviour started. As soon as she got home, I noticed she had changed her profile photo and cover photo on Facebook to not include me. A bit too soon don't you think? I texted her to ask her if she would do me one favour and not change her relationship status until the next day when I had spoken to my Mum, as I didn't want to tell her so late at night. Would she listen, oh no, she instantly changed her status to single. I couldn't believe what was happening!

 

The next morning I woke up and she had deleted me. My Step Mum was still friends with her and told me that I needed to phone my Mum as soon as because my fiancee had written a status saying "Why has it all come to this?" So I phoned my Mum, breaking the news to her, safe to say she was shocked.

 

So my Dad eventually took me home to the flat. She had already packed most of her clothes and had already gone back to her mums. One really strange thing I noticed was how she had turned over all the photos of me. How bizarre!

 

Now as the days went on, came more strange behaviour. She called me about the flat situation as well as other things and blew hot and cold. Some days she spoke to me like absolute dirt, while other days she was almost like her normal self. I did notice that she seemed to be worse when calling from work, which suggested to me that people at her workplace have had something to do with all of this.

 

A week after it happened, I actually bumped into her in town by accident. She suggested that we go for a coffee, and being the loved up person I was at the time, I agreed to it. Now this was strange. She told me this time that she still loved me. She even held my hands while talking, hugged me, and even kissed me on the cheek.

 

A few days later that week came some more nasty texts and calls from her. Two weeks from the Saturday she left me came the worst day of abuse from her. I was enjoying a nice day out with my family when I came home to receive a text from one of my friends saying they seriously needed to speak to them. I immediately phoned them and they told me one of the most shocking things I could ever imagine, my fiancee had been telling people I was physically and mentally abusive to her. I couldn't believe she could say such hurtful things. I almost collapsed again, although this time I was at my Mums. My fiancee then started hounding my mobile and ten my mum's house phone! My Mum said enough was enough now, which I agreed with, and I got my Step Dad to take me over to my fiancee's Mum's house. My fiancee had been demanding that I give her the share of the wedding refund (which I was going to do anyway) so I got the money out of the bank and drove straight to her Mums. Her mum answered the door, and was surprised to see me. Her mum hadn't told her I'd be coming over. My fiancee was hiding upstairs. I spoke to her mum about everything her daughter had said (including the abuse allegations) and her mum was in complete shock. She didn't even know her daughter had been speaking to me so much, let alone being so nasty. Anyway, her daughter eventually came downstairs and I said to her Mum that I would no longer talk to her daughter, anything important would have to now come from her Mum.

 

It's now been about 11 days since I've heard anything from her daughter, thank god! Her whole behaviour since leaving me has just been so bizarre. She's been posting lots of things on Facebook as if I'm the one that left her. When she was telling my friend about me being abusive, she also said that she was off to go out and get drunk and have lots of sex. Her mum has since confirmed to me that her daughter has hardly even left the house, so that was all a lie! I just don't know how such a devoted loving girl of over three years could turn so vile overnight. So many things don't add up. She even put money into our joint wedding account the day before she left me! It just doesn't make any sense.

 

Still, I'm trying to be as positive as I can be!

 

Sorry for the extremely long post but there's just so much to tell about whats happened.

[Nadine123]

Hi there,

 

I'm sorry this happened to you. A similar thing happened to me where my ex boyfriend just started changing out of the blue, acting weird, and then ghosted me. I later found out he was seeing someone else at the end of our relationship.

 

My experience with myself and other people is that there is usually another person involved. Im not saying this is 100% the case, but how she was quick to change the picture, no regards for your feelings at all, being really nasty all of a sudden (my ex was very loving as well). Her putting joint money and all that doesnt mean anything. My ex was begging me to go back to him a day before he ghosted me.

 

I know how much it hurts but the only option is for you to start the healing process. Go completely NC, block her everywhere and stop checking her social media. You dont want to be with someone who treated you like this. I know it hurts but trust me when I tell you it is going to pass. Post here whenever you need to, we are all here for you

[ExpatInItaly]

I hate to say it OP, but I would bet any money she's been cheating.

 

The allegations of abuse are to distract from the real reason she left, and to set the groundwork in case people find out she was unfaithful. She'll have them thinking, "Oh, well, imbo1993 was an abusive jerk, of course she found someone else!" Or so she thinks.

 

That would also explain the quick Facebook status change. There is someone she wants to be appear single to.

 

This has another man painted all over it, unfortunately. Probably someone she works with, if you notice she's been extra-nasty when at work. That nastiness is her projecting, because she knows you haven't done anything wrong so she needs to paint you at The Bad Guy to justify it to herself. It's not right, but it's likely what's happening. The sudden nice-girl act the other day probably came about because her other man wasn't paying attention to her and she panicked, thinking she'd made the wrong decision.

 

I am so sorry this has happened to you. Thank your lucky stars you found out what she is capable of before you married her. You are going to need to cut all contact with her and let her know if she continues to make false abuse allegations, you will contact an attorney. (Even if you have no intention of doing so, don't let her know that. Scare her into zipping her trap)

[imbo1993]

Thanks for your replies so far.

 

I've already done the no contact rule. Like I said, the only way she can now contact me is through her mum, as we still have to sort out the flat situation. The flat situation itself isn't good though either. We used to pay joint for everything, so she knew I wouldn't be able to afford it on my own. I managed to get a lot more hours at work, which would have covered the cost of the rent and living, but my Landlord wouldn't accept it. Not very good I know! See she knew this could have happened.

 

It was only the days before it happened that she changed a little bit. She always had super high stress levels, but I always supported her through it. I supported her through absolutely everything. The weeks before it we enjoyed a lot of time off to celebrate my birthday. We went out for lots of meals and days out etc, everything was absolutely normal. Like I said about the wedding planning, she even had a personalised wedding book made the week before it happened. About 5 days before it happened she went to the wedding dress shop to make some adjustments! It just doesn't make sense to me.

 

Her mum has come over to the flat a couple of times (not with her daughter) to pick up some bits. I've been there and her mum has stayed for nearly an hour on both occasions just talking about everything. She hasn't been very complimentary about her daughter at all. She's even called her own daughter "A heartless, lying b***h". Her mum obviously doesn't agree with what her daughters done. See the thing is, we were all so close. Both families adored the two of us. It couldn't have been any better! She's definitely thrown a hell of a lot away, that's for sure!

 

The whole work situation is confusing to me. She said herself when I met her on the Monday that some people at work had been giving her stick. She even told my friends and cousin that people at work had been giving her stick about the situation, so I would say things aren't really that good at work.

 

I've started the moving on process with the fact that I definitely know I don't want her back and more of the loving thoughts have now reached that angry stage.

 

Do you guys not think it's strange that she didn't tell her mother anything until the day she left me? I do wonder how much she'd be planning this, if she even had that is. The sudden switch is the biggest thing bothering me.

 

At the end of the day though, I know I've done nothing wrong and can be proud of myself.

[Nadine123]

It seems like you have the right mindset by not wanting to take her back and going no contact. Just please keep in mind that if she ever comes back it's probably because things with the other guy or whoever she is seeing didnt work out. I really hope you dont even consider it if she does.

 

Being stressed out at work is not an excuse for the way she behaved. That has nothing to do with you or the way she treated you. It wasnt a sudden switch, she was waiting for something to have that switch and this is proof with how eager she was to change her profile picture, as the other member told you.

 

With the mother situation, it's either her mum knows everything and is acting dumb or she knew her mother liked you so much that she would give her a hard time about her actions.

 

If she was a good person, she would have atleast broken up with you properly or not try to ruin your name like that. Good riddance. You will get over this.

[imbo1993]

Thanks for your words Nadine.

 

I think the whole abuse allegations is what took it too far for me. I really don't think her mum did know. Her mum told me that after I left the night I had to go over to her house and told her about all the allegations, she really ripped into her daughter, and had many arguments since that.

 

It's such a shame she wanted to throw everything away when we had a nearly perfect life. I don't think she'll ever get it as good again but thats her problem. I'm sure I'll find someone even better in the future.

 

DO you think there will be someone better out there? We were so close it was unbelievable! Everyone even used to call us the perfect couple.

[Nadine123]

Everyone used to call us great too, he introduced me to all his friends, we were together all the time, etc. The reason I replied to your thread is because it reminded me so much of my situation.

 

I ask myself this question alot but whether there is or not, you dont want to be with someone who is like that. As the other member said, you should feel lucky that this all happened before you married here. Maybe this all happened for a reason after all

 

You seem like a good person so it's her loss. She might not care right now because she's is obsessing about the new guy but all of this shouldnt matter to you. Don't check her social media. Dont contact her and if she ever does, you know what to do.

 

Feel free to post her whenever you feel down or need someone to talk to

[imbo1993]

It's been extra hard because we were living together in our own place for over two years. Yes I introduced her to my best friends, whereas she's never had any proper friends, although that's not surprising is it!

 

We went on two fantastic holidays to Disneyland Paris, the first time when I asked her to marry me. We've experienced so much together, it's just such a waste.

 

I really do get that feeling of I'll never find someone else who I'll be just as close to and someone who will know all of my ways.

 

I'd been feeling really good this past week but today I've been emotional about it all again. I know it's perfectly natural, especially considering it's only just over a month since it happened.

[fromheart]

So, this woman acts like a completely rude a~~e in front of your family, is completely nasty to you, rude to your mother, and is making very serious allegations of physical assault.

 

Bear in mind that could get you arrested. Get rid of this woman from your life, this is who she truly is. A horrible person.

 

She shouldn't be making nasty calls to your mum. Block her number completely, and if the calls persist inform the police.

 

Just thank the gods this happened before the wedding and not after.

[fromheart]

 

I really do get that feeling of I'll never find someone else who I'll be just as close to and someone who will know all of my ways.

 

But you will find someone who isn't nasty to your mum and doesn't make the sort of false allegations that could get you arrested.

 

I always say to this people, take off the rose tinted glasses and see a person for who they really are.

[Nadine123]

Her not having friends has nothing to do with it. My ex had many friends, introduced me to them, and was really nasty.

 

I really do get that feeling of I'll never find someone else who I'll be just as close to and someone who will know all of my ways.

 

I wouldnt recommend dating now until you are really over but whether you find someone or not, it is better than staying with someone like that. It is normal to feel emotional. I would recommend going through it and not trying to live in denial. Cry and be upset if you want to.

[imbo1993]

Trust me I wont ever talk to her again! I don't even want to ever see her face again!

 

I'm definitely not thinking of dating or anything like that for a long time! It's the last thing on my mind at the moment. I'm just trying to keep myself busy with doing different things, other than work of course.

 

I'm not living in denial and haven't been scared to cry. I've done my fair share of crying in a month, more than I ever have in my lifetime!

 

I'm already starting to feel better. It comes and goes of course.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, there is someone better out there for you.

 

I have lived with two ex-boyfriends. The second one was the type of relationship you describe with your ex. We were together almost 8 years. We were very tight with each other's families, people thought we were great together. We had plans to marry.

 

But it changed. He grew very distant, stressed at work, and so on. He treated me well, in the sense that he was always respectful to me, supportive. He had purchased an expensive Christmas gift for me just days before we broke up. Though I wasn't that shocked by the split (as I said, he'd been not himself for a little while), everyone else was. His mom burst into tears when he told her. I came to discover that there was another woman in the picture, which he obviously didn't share with me or his family right away. So no, I don't think it's strange that her mom didn't know she was going to leave you. She probably felt guilty enough and didn't want her mom's input. Her mom likely would have also pressed her for answers, which she clearly wasn't ready to give.

 

I tell you all of this because there is a happy ending for me. I changed my life in a big way after we split, and pursued my own dreams by moving abroad. The man I am with today far outshines my ex, though I found it hard to believe at the time that I'd ever find someone like him. But I found someone even better, and I'm so much happier now.

 

A lot of people think there's nobody like their ex. But that is usually not true. Think about who your ex really is: a girl who will drop you like a hot potato and make serious accusations against you. And yes, though it might seem out of character, it is indeed part of who she is.

 

You're doing the right thing by limiting any contact through her mom. I do very strongly believe your ex was/is hiding something, and her sudden about-face is a misguided attempt to cover that up. After you and her mom sort out the logistics, you will need to cut all contact with her family too. I know it's hard, I've been there. But it will be necessary for you to heal.

[imbo1993]

I'm glad you can relate to my experience.

 

I know at the end of the day there'll be someone so much better out there, although it obviously doesn't feel like it at the moment.

 

As hard as it is because I've always been close to her family, I'll defiantly break all contact very soon.

[Nadine123]

I know what you mean. One of his best friends and a common friend started following me everywhere after the breakup. I blocked her even though she didnt do anything.

 

You need to focus on yourself right now and not have contact with anything that has to do with her.

[CDJ]

I hate to say it OP, but I would bet any money she's been cheating.

 

The allegations of abuse are to distract from the real reason she left, and to set the groundwork in case people find out she was unfaithful.

 

This has another man painted all over it, unfortunately. Probably someone she works with, if you notice she's been extra-nasty when at work. That nastiness is her projecting, because she knows you haven't done anything wrong so she needs to paint you at The Bad Guy to justify it to herself. It's not right, but it's likely what's happening.

I think this hits the nail on the head.

 

OP, your situation is quite similar to mine last year; different circumstances and occurrences, but the general theme is the same: great relationship going off quickly without explanation, followed by horrible behaviour that culminated in a terrible and hurtful humiliation, and making me out to be the bad guy (including lying to her own parents).

 

What you must try to do is to not pander to her manipulation. I know it's hard, but she wants you to be weak and to apologise to her. She wants to come out on top. I made that same mistake and I regret it to this day. Cut contact, stand strong and don't give in to any more of her charms.

[imbo1993]

Trust me everyone, I'm not going to let her get the better of me. Thankfully, I haven't heard from her for nearly two weeks now. Most of my thoughts have turned to anger now. I'm starting to realise all of the downsides to her during our time together, not that there were that many.

 

I'm doing my best to keep myself busy.

[imbo1993]

Hey everyone.

 

I've been feeling so much better in the last week or so. I have had one problem though, unfortunately.

 

My ex decided to play her tricks again and started harassing my step mum. She accused my step mum of showing me all of her Facebook posts in relation to our breakup. The funny thing is, is that it wasn't even my step mum that had told me about the posts but actually some of mine and my exes mutual friends. My step mum got so tired of everything that she just blocked my ex on every form of media possible. I just can't understand why my ex would suddenly decide to start on my step mum like that. Especially after none of us had any contact from her for over two weeks.

 

The silly woman! I'm convinced she's a fruitcake!

 

I've definitely reached the stage now where I can realise what a lucky escape I actually had!

 

I've also been keeping myself busy with day trips out with family as well as nights with friends.

 

Chin up as they say!

[ilovemefirst]

Well i commend you for being so strong! She sounds a bit unstable. You dodged a bullet. Stay strong!

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what happened OP and you sound remarkably rational considering what has happened to you. Your ex sounds like she has a mental illness of some kind. She could be cheating, I suppose, but has she shown signs of personality change like this before? Some of her behaviour, in accusing your step-mother since the break-up, suggests there is more of this kind of behaviour to come. Whatever she is doing, I doubt she will leave it there. I don't think she broke up for someone else, but maybe because her thinking has altered dramatically.

 

I know you are staying out of contact, but I would advise you to ensure she cannot contact you and that you or your family do not respond to her. Do not give her any excuse to blame anyone for stalking or harassing her. Make sure that if ever there was an investigation by the police, with her claiming people were bothering her, that there would be no evidence that any of you made contact with her. Somehow I don't think this is over. Sorry.

Edited December 8, 2016 by spiderowl

[Saracena]

I don't think she broke up for someone else, but maybe because her thinking has altered dramatically..

 

I think this as well. Sounds to me someone at work may have been influencing her in some way, not necessarily someone she fancies but someone she might look up to. Has she spoken about anyone in particularly in the recent past? I also found her urgent need to leave your weekend away very strange given the circumstances. Most people would have hung on until the next day. I wonder what exactly triggered this.

 

In addition, I find it rather strange she's never exhibited any bizarre behaviour before in all the time the OP has known her. Something very odd going on here.

 

Keep us updated OP and good luck!

Edited December 8, 2016 by Saracena

[BlkVelvet]

Hi, there OP.

 

Honestly, all I needed to do was read your initial post and get to the part where she's bad-mouthing you and playing the victim. She SCREAMS Narcissistic Personality Disorder. She even has her "Flying Monkeys" and everything.

 

PLEASE study up on NPD -- there are some AWESOME youtubers out there who have been through these extremely painful and damaging relationships with these toxic people. You have been "Devalued and Discarded".

The next phase is the "Hoover". Don't fall for it!!

 

BLOCK, BLOCK, BLOCK. She will destroy you.

[imbo1993]

Hey everyone.

 

Sorry I've not replied for a little while. I've just come back from a weekend away with my mum and step dad at an old family friends house. Have to say the break away did me the world of good!

 

I'm surprised I've stayed so rational and calm throughout the whole situation. It's been difficult to say the least. I'm a very calm and patient person, two traits which serve me well in my job as a carer.

 

She hardly ever used to mention people at work. She was invited out to work parties on a couple of occasions but always turned them down because she said it wasn't her kind of thing.

 

Yes the sudden urge to leave the weekend was odd but then again, why even go away for the weekend? Like I said, the day before she left me she even put money in our joint wedding account! Why even do that if you're going to leave someone the next day!

 

She definitely hadn't behaved in such a drastic way like that before. She did get very stressed every now and then, which would lead to a few arguments, but we always made up the next day.

 

I definitely think there is something wrong with her though because all of her lies are just out of this world! She even lied to me about my Grandad taking her home that night. She angrily told me that he didn't give her a hug when dropping her back at the flat (why would he anyway after she broke his grandson's heart) then my Grandad told me the other day he got out of the car and gave her a hug before saying goodbye. Why lie like that.

 

One update is that her parents have now taken me off of Facebook although her brother, cousin, and Aunt and Uncle are still on there. I was going to delete them anyway once the last flat payment had come through from my ex but the other day I looked online and her parents had just deleted me out of the blue.

 

Still, I'm definitely feeling a lot better about things. I can now see a lot more things for myself instead of other people telling me.

 

I can definitely say I had a lucky escape, thats for sure!

[imbo1993]

I'd love to have some of your thoughts on my recent reply.

 

Stay safe everyone

[breakupthrowaway663]

Something like this happened to me recently.

 

10 months of a solid, passionate relationship, followed by a few weeks of deterioration on her end and then split.

 

I still don't get the why. There was someone else who she became infatuated with. But why? Our relationship was fantastic. How does someone lose sight so quickly from a good thing?

 

I feel our story is along the same line. And I really don't understand the underlying details. I'm able to value a good relationship when I see it. Sure, I end up talking to pretty women every now and then, but I would never even think about touching them or hitting on them. It doesn't make sense to me either, friend.

 

But it sounds like you're not too caught up in the why like I am.