edgygirl Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 I haven't been dating much in the past year. After a breakup in 2014 I haven't met anyone I got super interested in since. I've also been too busy at my last job, I was exhausted so worked and slept. Now that I left that job, I have all the time in the world until I decide what to do next professionally and get a new job... so I went on a date with a man in his mid-40s. By our profile, I could tell we are interested in the same things: same political leanings (important to me) and interest in similar kind of work (he has a degree I'm interested in going back to school for i.e.). But maybe because of this, I think the date we had felt like a business meeting... I thought he would not contact me again, and I didn't feel he was hitting on me or anything like that, although he did get soaked in the rain to find a cab for me. But he did write me and said he enjoyed our date and that it would be fun to meet again. I am not sure what I feel about him... so my question is - would you go on more dates? And if so, how many? I usually prefer to feel excited about someone right from the start, but it's not like it usually leads anywhere if I do. A few points to note as I haven't been here in the past months: - I feel a little apathetic about life lately... so I am unsure whether I might be in the middle of a slight depression or just having a hibernation period which I do, sometimes; - Even though I haven't dated in months, I'm also very tired of dating, almost burned outt; - It also seems in my age group the options are dwindling... lately I haven't had luck meeting men I'm interested in although many still write me. I also find it a little difficult to feel much attraction to men in the age group I should feel attraction to - 45-55... - I am looking for a serious relationship, not interested in hookups or wasting my time. Any insights? Anyone going through this? Why does it have to be so hard?
BluEyeL Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 Yes I've been through the exact same thing 2.5 years ago. Same age group also. I saw he was kind and smart and let other things such as excitement, which in my opinion is meaningless for a long time relationship. I'm marrying this man in 8 months. Best decision I've ever made! But if you must have that excitement right off the bat, then wait for that. I think its totally a wrong approach but some people insist on it so to each their own. 1
central Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 It can take a few dates to find out if real attraction exists. As long as there are no clear deal breakers or an aversion to the person, it doesn't hurt to go on another date. If things don't heat up for you by the third date, then end it, IMO. I wanted it all - passion, and compatibility. I could easily find one or the other, but finding both is rare. I'm glad I held out and continued dating until I did find both in one person. Don't settle - IMO, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person. 1
Author edgygirl Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 Wow... thanks for your advice. And congrats on your marriage! No, I don't need it off the bat, but I can't say I'm used to not having it off the bat, hence I came here for advice. Did your excitement grow a little over time? How did it happen if I may ask? Yes I've been through the exact same thing 2.5 years ago. Same age group also. I saw he was kind and smart and let other things such as excitement, which in my opinion is meaningless for a long time relationship. I'm marrying this man in 8 months. Best decision I've ever made! But if you must have that excitement right off the bat, then wait for that. I think its totally a wrong approach but some people insist on it so to each their own. 1
Author edgygirl Posted November 28, 2016 Author Posted November 28, 2016 I agree. And I am the same as you... rare to find both. And ultimately no I refuse to settle. If I remember correctly you're INTJ. Me being ENFP, we have the same principles, but in a different way haha. It can take a few dates to find out if real attraction exists. As long as there are no clear deal breakers or an aversion to the person, it doesn't hurt to go on another date. If things don't heat up for you by the third date, then end it, IMO. I wanted it all - passion, and compatibility. I could easily find one or the other, but finding both is rare. I'm glad I held out and continued dating until I did find both in one person. Don't settle - IMO, it's better to be alone than with the wrong person.
BluEyeL Posted November 28, 2016 Posted November 28, 2016 (edited) It took about 4-5 dates. In fact the second date wasn't as good as the first but I gave it one more. I usually had about 5 dates to learn enough. Some would say that is too much that was about eighth for me to be sure. It happened that I slowly got to know him better and better and saw how great he was treating me and he started to grow on me more and more. I'm more about common values , interests and kindness than about how cool someone is or pretends to be. He was just genuine and caring and that couldn't not melt my heart. He was driving to pick me up every time, although he lived 45 minutes away. We would sometimes have activities one hour from my house and then he'd drive me back to my house and drive again back in the same direction we came from. At date number 6, he came to pick me up, opened the car door for me and there was a bouquet of red roses on the passenger seat and that's when we kissed for the first time . We moved slowly but I never had to wonder and worry. It was wonderful. Still is. Edited November 28, 2016 by BluEyeL 2
Weezy1973 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Yeah, I'd give it a few dates - as long as you're not repulsed by him. Especially if you're looking for something long term and meaningful - then really you're looking for characteristics that only show up with time. If you're just looking for casual / one night is when immediate excitement matters! 1
Shanex Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Two-three dates and I'm done if there's no further attraction and connection. But usually I'm done after just one date, it is a bit odd because I usually meet women I click with online so as you said, the profile, the pics, interest and hobbies etc. Talking on the phone rather than text too.
Author edgygirl Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Thank you so much BlueEyeL. I loved reading your story... exactly what I needed now. So happy you found the right person... we all know how hard that is! And the kiss on the 6th date (!) also made me think... it seems quite a few dates to go on before kissing, but may be a good way to go specially when one is uncertain. It took about 4-5 dates. In fact the second date wasn't as good as the first but I gave it one more. I usually had about 5 dates to learn enough. Some would say that is too much that was about eighth for me to be sure. It happened that I slowly got to know him better and better and saw how great he was treating me and he started to grow on me more and more. I'm more about common values , interests and kindness than about how cool someone is or pretends to be. He was just genuine and caring and that couldn't not melt my heart. He was driving to pick me up every time, although he lived 45 minutes away. We would sometimes have activities one hour from my house and then he'd drive me back to my house and drive again back in the same direction we came from. At date number 6, he came to pick me up, opened the car door for me and there was a bouquet of red roses on the passenger seat and that's when we kissed for the first time . We moved slowly but I never had to wonder and worry. It was wonderful. Still is. 1
Author edgygirl Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Yes good point... I feel so apathetic in general lately that I don't even remember if I was repulsed or not (!) We talked so much about business and work that I kind of forgot we were on a date and have to gauge level of attraction better lol. And you're right... I should try to train my mind better on immediate excitement vs long term. Yeah, I'd give it a few dates - as long as you're not repulsed by him. Especially if you're looking for something long term and meaningful - then really you're looking for characteristics that only show up with time. If you're just looking for casual / one night is when immediate excitement matters!
Author edgygirl Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 2-3 or even 5 sound like okay numbers. I think it's different for men who are extremely visual. I think I'd give up after one date only if I felt repulsed. Two-three dates and I'm done if there's no further attraction and connection. But usually I'm done after just one date, it is a bit odd because I usually meet women I click with online so as you said, the profile, the pics, interest and hobbies etc. Talking on the phone rather than text too. 1
BluEyeL Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I did give 5 dates to other guys I wasn't very sure about . Since with them attraction didn't grow, or in other cases I noticed some things about their character or how they were treating me that I didn't like and I let them go. One time I was attracted quickly but as soon as second date it appeared the guy wasn't good long term material, he seemed to have all kinds of hang ups. Because of the attraction I went out with him 9 times. So it could be that you give several dates but it doesn't work out. For me, I needed that time to make up my mind. The kiss so late was because my guy is shy. I did worry about it happening so late but in the end it didn't signal anything bad. There were other men that I said no to after one date of course. in those cases I was really sure I'd never be able to be physical with them and they didn't compensate with something else that did it for me, a light in their eyes, kindness or some kind of spirit. I hope it works out for you. I know how horrible dating can be. I was very burnt out when I met my fiancée also. 1
Miss Peach Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 If you're a woman, then I would give it a few more dates if you enjoyed his company. For women it can grow over time. My personal rule is that if they behaved nicely, I enjoy their company, are not showing red flags, have qualities I want, etc. is to do up to 3 dates. After that I may still change my mind based on new information but there should be some spark there by then. I tend to notice my sparks during kissing. 1
Popsicle Posted December 1, 2016 Posted December 1, 2016 The way I see this is, what else have you got to do? Go out with him and enjoy the companionship at the very least and see what happens.
Author edgygirl Posted December 5, 2016 Author Posted December 5, 2016 What do you mean? I receive at least 100 messages a week... I could have 5 dates per day if I wanted. In no way I intend to waste my energy with even one date that is wrong for me. It takes an enormous energy/mental toll... I'm already burned out as is. Prefer to be home watching a documentary, or go to an event where I can socialize than waste my time with someone unsuitable The way I see this is, what else have you got to do? Go out with him and enjoy the companionship at the very least and see what happens.
Popsicle Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 What do you mean? I receive at least 100 messages a week... I could have 5 dates per day if I wanted. In no way I intend to waste my energy with even one date that is wrong for me. It takes an enormous energy/mental toll... I'm already burned out as is. Prefer to be home watching a documentary, or go to an event where I can socialize than waste my time with someone unsuitable I'm not doubting you. I'm simply saying the same thing a few others above said. If you feel this way, then I wonder why you asked this question in the first place. My intention was to simply suggest that you enjoy the company, if you think it's good. If you don't want to do that then that's fine too. 1
Shanex Posted December 7, 2016 Posted December 7, 2016 (edited) I sometimes wonder what my OLD life would be like if I was an attractive lady. You women are overwhelmed online, but also in real life and gets tons of attention. Good for the ego I guess. Otoh, as edgygirl said, gettting a hundred messages a week and having to filter either the creeps or just those who aren't a great match would be a hassle. My suggestion to decent looking women: don't even do OLD, you don't need it anyway. Work on your social skills and try to participate in activities and hobbies. Sounds more fun than having to spend your evening on a site. Edited December 7, 2016 by Shanex 1
Author edgygirl Posted December 9, 2016 Author Posted December 9, 2016 I wish I could say I enjoy the attention... I don't I just want to find the one person that makes sense and I enjoy spending time with. It's true though, I've been thinking I should make more effort in going to the right events where I could meet people with similar minds, interests and background... I came to get a little too dependent on OLD to meet men, and OLD has gotten terrible in the last 5 years. People don't take dating or meeting someone seriously anymore... it's like a factory to meet people non-stop without focusing on anyone in particular. I sometimes wonder what my OLD life would be like if I was an attractive lady. You women are overwhelmed online, but also in real life and gets tons of attention. Good for the ego I guess. Otoh, as edgygirl said, gettting a hundred messages a week and having to filter either the creeps or just those who aren't a great match would be a hassle. My suggestion to decent looking women: don't even do OLD, you don't need it anyway. Work on your social skills and try to participate in activities and hobbies. Sounds more fun than having to spend your evening on a site. 1
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