This might just give you some hope after your break-up

[acadsur]

Roughly two and a half months ago I found myself standing in front of the crumbling, crippled remains of my once so beautiful relationship and I was devastated, on the ground, I didn't want to believe that I would ever be able to move on or get over this terrible summer!

 

My girlfriend of four years had broken up with me only a couple months after we had made a serious step towards engagement and really serious commitment. Although without a fight, the break-up turned out to be quite nasty, with her telling me lies for at least a month that I only found out after it was already broken. I guess she wanted to save me some pain but finding out later leaves you even more broken and unable to trust, forgive, and move on.

 

Every once in a while I look through some of the threads in this forum category even though I fortunately don't need the advice and moral support anymore but trust me I did a lot especially in the first month after the break-up!

Reading all the stories other people share here and understanding to a certain degree the painful situation they find themselves in has led me to write this post.

 

In this thread I will try to give recently broken-up couples just a little bit of hope that they believe in the light at the end of the tunnel, something I refused to see for a long time because I believed in wrong ideas.

 

I talked about my personal story in another thread, it was basically a teenage love, first romantic relationship, long term over a long distance which made me feel like we could never be broken up, neither by time nor by distance. She turned out not to be my soulmate after all and finding out that she left me to hook up at college of course made me feel terrible.

 

I struggled with all the same things I now read about here: memories that bring up pain, fear of never feeling the same again with anyone, distraction from what matters in my personal life and so on...

In my mind, our love had been so strong, unique, wonderful and just extraordinary that I would never get over it, even if I tried my hardest, I honestly thought that my love for her would never fade and that I would forever be lost in past memories.

 

Almost three months after the break-up I can talk about it with an unclouded perspective, call things what they are, no sugar-coating, the plain truth.

 

And this first fact might sound a little crazy or intimidating, but still no day passes that I don't think about the relationship I had, no day passes that I don't miss my ex and the way I felt with her. However, the way I now think about the relationship is very different than two months ago, and the way I miss my ex has changed just as much. The first important realization I made too late unfortunately was that when it is over it is over, she is not going to come back and dreaming of romantic ways she will get back with you is a waste of time. When I realized that there was no point in hoping for it to happen, and that it was only keeping me from working on myself, it all became much easier. A tough but very helpful thought for me was also: this chapter of my life is over, I will leave the past where it belongs - behind me, without looking back.

 

That meant not actively thinking about all the beautiful things we did together. The memories will still haunt you for a while, but the pain you feel when you relive them will get duller and duller every time. It also meant going on a strict non-contact, no-stalking, no-social-media, no-whatever policy. I haven't looked at any social media of hers for over 2 months, which is not easy in a time of social media tracking your previous behavior and making suggestions based on them. But I managed, and although I have been very curious to go look I always restrained myself and didn't do it. Partly, because there is still some fear in me of being hurt again but mostly because I won't give her the satisfaction of me checking in on whatever she has done with her life. As I have said: the past is the past and that's where I will leave it. She can do with her life as she pleases but I won't be a part of it, so neither will I be a spectator.

 

Now, I thought of our relationship too highly for way too long. I also lifted her onto a pedestal for way too long. I made her much more in my mind than she actually was. For me she always seemed perfect, another young adult that wasn't interested in getting wasted night after night at college and waking up in some stranger's bed every morning. Well I learned my lesson, which was that in the end I only loved her so much because she let me project all my dreams, desires, ideas of a future life with a woman on her. Knowing that I could have felt exactly the same way with pretty much any other young lady had we met and started seeing each other, really lifted my spirits when I thought I would never feel love again. We don't fall in love with people, we fall in love with ideas, whether we project them onto other people or we love other people's ideas and objective them in those people.

 

So knowing that my ideas of my future are still the same, that I will just make them work with a different person, gave me tons of peace when I needed it most! I thought I would never be able to replace her, she was so perfect. But the unforgiving, brutal truth is that we can all be replaced. At first this fact hurts because obviously I got dumped, I was replaced with whatever she valued more in her life at this time. But in the future I will be able to project all my ideas on someone else, give them all my love and make them feel wonderful in the process, and that is a very hopeful thought!

 

Over the past couple of months, I learned more about myself, life, and how to live a happy life than ever before. To conclude my little post, if you just got broken up with remember these few thoughts and I hope that they will ease your pain, and make you look forward to feeling better again just like I do.

 

It is okay to grieve, it is okay to be emotional and cry, no matter whether you are a man or a woman. We are too busy portraying our lives as perfect, filled with happiness and exciting every single day! It seems unacceptable to feel bad sometimes and we often forget that unhappiness, feeling down and hurt, feeling pain is just as much a part of life as happiness and feeling high! Whatever you do, don't work against your emotions! Whether it is the crumbling devastation you feel right after a break-up, the loss of your best friend and loved one, or memories that bring up stinging pain - embrace it all and let it fill you with sadness and pain when it hits. Before you know it, you will become more resistant to it, you will get tired of the pain physically and mentally, and trust me there will come day where you wake up and suddenly feel weird because you are happy and content again for the first time in months. And it is not because of someone else, you are simply happy because you gave yourself the time and space to heal, to get to know yourself better and you have taken great care of yourself, and I promise you it will feel absolutely awesome!

 

Be honest to yourself and others, work on yourself and try to be the best YOU, you can possibly be! My break-up has forced me to re-evaluate my entire life. Who am I? What am I doing? Who do I want to be? The answer to that is simple: you don't want to be anyone but yourself! It is okay to put yourself first! Make yourself your priority number 1! It is now time to only look after yourself, and that is not selfish! You have every right to take care of yourself, set your goals and work to achieve them. For me it is pursuing my education and getting my career worked out. In the past couple months I have learned so much about myself, what I like and don't like, what I believe in and where I disagree with other people. Knowing myself better has led to me accepting myself too, all the little things I thought were flaws turn out to be beautiful aspects that make me who I am. I am by no means perfect, but I am always trying to leave a positive impact in people's lives. And the more I accept myself for everything I am and ain't, the more confident I get, and the more confident I am, the happier I am! And people around you will sense your freshly gained confidence and self-acceptance and they will respect you and love you for it!

 

But they can't love you if you never meet them. So go out with friends, reconnect with people you haven't seen in a long time, socialize and meet new people! Don't stay at home every night, go out and keep revisiting the places you enjoy! A great way to socialize and get to know yourself better in the process is fitness! Now not everybody is the type for this but it feels great, and is supposed to feel great, to work on your own body and do something that is healthy! Take pride in and enjoy treating yourself to a healthy life!

Last but not least, realize that most things in life aren't forever. Life is all about change, accepting change and adapting to it! Be honest, be yourself. Don't pretend to be someone you aren't because you won't find someone that loves you for who you really are if you do! Accept that no matter what you think, your relationship probably wasn't all that special after all, and no matter who you were with and how you felt, you will feel great with someone else again! And probably even better than before because you have worked on yourself and know yourself and your dreams better than anything else! Accepting this also means accepting that in the end, you have to live for yourself first and nobody else! Interpersonal relationships will happen when they happen, don't make it your goal to have a relationship - work on your own dreams and goals and someone with similar dreams will join you on the way there and it will be beautiful!!

 

Now this was a long post but if you have made it this far, I only have one more thing to say:

 

I thought I would never be able to get over my ex. I loved her with all my heart and she will always have a little spot in heart, brain, life, whatever. You aren't completely over someone until you stop doing things subconsciously thinking it will make them come back or get back together with you, but despite all my fears of the inability to do just that - get over her - I HAVE DONE IT! AND YOU CAN TOO! Take pride in who you are, enjoy who you are, enjoy being good to yourself, know that you don't need anyone but yourself to be happy and work every day to make just that happen! It is not easy but the rewards will be great and more than worth it! Good luck and I am looking forward to seeing you on the other side!