Boyfriend wants to spend the holidays without me

[Els]

Be very wary then.

Are you prepared to adopt very traditional ways? As that is your destiny if you want to stay with this man.

NO point in assuming that you will change him to your less traditional ways as that is not often how these things work.

The traditional wins out, especially where men are involved as they carry the family traditions and often make sure they are observed onto the next generation.

See how he dismissed your concerns here, he told you to stop complaining, I guess that is how he will deal with any attempts to modify "tradition".

It may explain his dating history, his exes were not prepared to bow down to "tradition", so he dumped them or they dumped him.

 

Guys. The OP's bf's behaviour is NOT typical of traditional Chinese men. Not of good ones, anyway.

 

Traditional folks have a prolonged period of courtship. In extremely traditional cases (usually pre-WW2), this mostly involves courting the family, but in the modern 'traditional' context, this involves the man courting the woman. Doing things for her, buying things for her. THAT is what a 'traditional man' would be doing at 6 months, regardless of his expectations for cooking later on. Traditional Chinese women do NOT cook for their man, let alone for his dinner guests, at 6 months!!

 

The OP's bf is clearly being 'traditional' where it suits him and 'modern' where it doesn't. It's a case of "oh we're a modern couple so I don't need to spend all that time courting you, but wait we're traditional so you're supposed to cook for my mum's dinner guests even though we're not married, but wait we're not married so I can't invite you to our family trip" . Lots of entitlement and cake-eating.

 

OP, is this your first relationship as well? Don't you have any friends from your culture who will tell you that this is NOT normal, not even in the cultural context?

Edited November 30, 2016 by Elswyth

[Els]

I just read back in the thread and apparently he also cheated on an ex-gf in the past????

 

Girl, this guy is not 'traditional' at all. He's just bad news all around. Might be time to leave and chalk this up to a learning experience.

[introverted1]

I just read back in the thread and apparently he also cheated on an ex-gf in the past????

 

Girl, this guy is not 'traditional' at all. He's just bad news all around. Might be time to leave and chalk this up to a learning experience.

 

He's 36 and this relationship, which has lasted all of 6 months, is his longest to date.

 

Red flags abound.

[Mkn1010]

The going away without you thing is really not the prevalent issue in this storyline!

 

 

I have to say, though, any person who seem perturbed by me going away on a family holiday after 6 months would be off putting.

 

 

I think it's likely that you feel insecure for other reasons (more to do with his personality and relationship history) and therefore this trip has you concerned! Perhaps you innately know he's no good! I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here that you aren't just like this with every guy (wanting to strap a ball around their ankle).

[Els]

He's 36 and this relationship, which has lasted all of 6 months, is his longest to date.

 

Red flags abound.

 

Ah, wow, missed that part too. I wouldn't consider the 36 yo thing as a red flag in and of itself (some people choose to travel the world, or focus 100% on career, etc), but in combination with everything else it really is telling.

 

The going away without you thing is really not the prevalent issue in this storyline!

 

 

I have to say, though, any person who seem perturbed by me going away on a family holiday after 6 months would be off putting.

 

 

I think it's likely that you feel insecure for other reasons (more to do with his personality and relationship history) and therefore this trip has you concerned! Perhaps you innately know he's no good! I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt here that you aren't just like this with every guy (wanting to strap a ball around their ankle).

 

It's likely that she thought they were already in "that" phase of the relationship after him requesting that her parents meet his parents, and him requesting that she help his mother cook for their 30 relatives... can't really blame her for that.

[astarrynight2016]

Hi everyone, checking back in, thanks for all your advice and comments.

In his defense I was cooking with his mother and helped her clean after. I didn't want his mother to be doing all the work, and we all joined for Thanksgiving dinner. I definitely didn't feel like I did something I wasn't supposed to, that I was cheap labor, or anything like that at all and it's just courtesy no matter in what culture to help a person out if they were the only person cooking for a family of 30. I'm more surprised no one else - not the other women in the family helped us. As for his past, obv I have my guard up, but since I don't have any proof he's doing anything behind my back, and things have been pretty great overall, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

[astarrynight2016]

Ah, wow, missed that part too. I wouldn't consider the 36 yo thing as a red flag in and of itself (some people choose to travel the world, or focus 100% on career, etc), but in combination with everything else it really is telling.

 

 

 

It's likely that she thought they were already in "that" phase of the relationship after him requesting that her parents meet his parents, and him requesting that she help his mother cook for their 30 relatives... can't really blame her for that.

 

I am bummed out that I won't get to spend the holidays with him, but besides this time of the year, he gives me plenty of time so I can't be too selfish. The holidays is the only time of the year he gets to see his dad. And like many others posted this trip is complex and has been planned for a while, so even if BF/gfs are invited it would be inconvenient for them to have me join. Someone called me selfish on here the other day, and looking back, perhaps I was being selfish in feeling "neglected" for the holidays. I'm planning something fun on my own with my family and friends and am excited to use this time to spend with people I normally don't get to see bc we spend so much time together otherwise. So all in all, I am feeling much better about all of this!

[DarrenB]

I am bummed out that I won't get to spend the holidays with him, but besides this time of the year, he gives me plenty of time so I can't be too selfish. The holidays is the only time of the year he gets to see his dad. And like many others posted this trip is complex and has been planned for a while, so even if BF/gfs are invited it would be inconvenient for them to have me join. Someone called me selfish on here the other day, and looking back, perhaps I was being selfish in feeling "neglected" for the holidays. I'm planning something fun on my own with my family and friends and am excited to use this time to spend with people I normally don't get to see bc we spend so much time together otherwise. So all in all, I am feeling much better about all of this!

 

That's good.

 

It's understandable how you'd prefer to be in the company of the person you love and their relatives... there's nothing wrong with that, so don't let anyone take that concept away from you.

 

It's hard to be without your significant other regardless, especially during the festive season/new years. But, just think after the new year there's plenty more memories and more time for you to spend with each other. The wait afterwards will be worth it

[Sendmewings]

It's ok to be upset. No one wants to spend their holidays alone especially New Year's Eve. Where I come from once you're in a relationship you're kind of part of the family and it's expected to bring your significant others. I have since earned other cultures are not like that. Sadly you might have to suck it up. The great part is within six months he has given you his time. Most guys won't see a girl four to five times a week. Hopefully he'll end up missing you so much that he will invite you next year. It's going to be hard but you might have to let this one roll. I'm sorry op this situation does suck.

[Els]

Hi everyone, checking back in, thanks for all your advice and comments.

In his defense I was cooking with his mother and helped her clean after. I didn't want his mother to be doing all the work, and we all joined for Thanksgiving dinner. I definitely didn't feel like I did something I wasn't supposed to, that I was cheap labor, or anything like that at all and it's just courtesy no matter in what culture to help a person out if they were the only person cooking for a family of 30. I'm more surprised no one else - not the other women in the family helped us. As for his past, obv I have my guard up, but since I don't have any proof he's doing anything behind my back, and things have been pretty great overall, I am giving him the benefit of the doubt.

 

Yes, we know you were cooking with his mother. But he ASKED you to cook with her, did he not? And no, most people wouldn't help their bf-of-6-month's mother cook for 30 other relatives. Really.

 

That being said, I understand that it's common for a traditional Chinese man's wife to help her MIL cook for relatives (yes, even 30 of them). I understand that it's not 'cheap labour', it's just cultural. What I'm saying is that this guy isn't behaving like a traditional man in any area except where it suits him, and he also isn't treating you like a wife in any area except where it suits him. People who pick and choose like that tend to be very selfish in other areas of life as well.

 

If you insist on staying with him, then be very observant of how he treats you, and do not do "traditional wifely" things for him any more unless he does "traditional husbandly" things for you.

 

If he is so traditional, does he at least insist on paying for all dates? That's the hallmark of a traditional Chinese man - there is really no traditional Chinese man who believes in splitting the bill on dates.

Edited December 2, 2016 by Elswyth

[astarrynight2016]

Yes, we know you were cooking with his mother. But he ASKED you to cook with her, did he not? And no, most people wouldn't help their bf-of-6-month's mother cook for 30 other relatives. Really.

 

That being said, I understand that it's common for a traditional Chinese man's wife to help her MIL cook for relatives (yes, even 30 of them). I understand that it's not 'cheap labour', it's just cultural. What I'm saying is that this guy isn't behaving like a traditional man in any area except where it suits him, and he also isn't treating you like a wife in any area except where it suits him. People who pick and choose like that tend to be very selfish in other areas of life as well.

 

If you insist on staying with him, then be very observant of how he treats you, and do not do "traditional wifely" things for him any more unless he does "traditional husbandly" things for you.

 

If he is so traditional, does he at least insist on paying for all dates? That's the hallmark of a traditional Chinese man - there is really no traditional Chinese man who believes in splitting the bill on dates.

 

Yes he pays for all our dates, buys me stuff all the time (NOT like I am asking or expecting he just wants to), so he is behaving like a traditional Chinese man would --- except during the family holiday. He did not ask me to cook, I volunteered bc no one else was helping her and it felt like the right thing to do.

[kismetkismet]

I would not be offended by this at all. 6 months is VERY early in to be including in a 3 week family only vacation that is a long standing tradition. I have always done 4 days - 1 week away with my very close and very inclusive family over christmas, and 6 months of dating wouldn't be enough at all for me to invite someone to the whole thing.

 

Only my current fiancé and one previous boyfriend have ever been invited for the full thing - and not until after 1.5 years of dating. They've been invited for a couple of days AROUND christmas, but not for the actual christmas eve/christmas part. That is a huuge deal in my family.

 

I would actually be nervous about someone expecting to be invited on any 3 week holiday after 6 months of dating, let alone one around Christmas.. The fact that he invited you to thanksgiving should be enough to show that he's interested in you getting to know his family.

[kendahke]

. I just think it's odd he doesn't WANT to spend NYE or any part of his holiday with me. I think most girls would feel equally disappointed if their BF was away for the holidays and made plans without taking into account their considerations. He just spent 2 weeks with them for Thanksgiving, I hardly saw him, and now is leaving for 3 weeks again for Christmas

 

I think that if this is the case in your relationship, then his family means much more to him than you do. Actions always speak louder than words. Elaine said it best:

 

It would be a lot different if he was a guy who said "Look I have to do this for my family but can you PLEASE come over to Europe for a while as I would love to spend some time WITH YOU." He didn't say that, he said she shouldn't complain.

 

This is what you need to be looking for coming out of his mouth. Period. If he's not saying this, then let that be your tocsin to wake up to the reality of what it is you think you have with him. He's making no effort. He's not acting like someone who is arsed over making sure to spend time with you. Nagging him about it isn't going to make him flip into someone he's showing you he's not interested in being for you.

 

At the 6 month mark in a new relationship, the honeymoon phase is beginning the phase of whether the relationship is strong enough to withstand the blast or whether one of the two decides it's too much effort for them to switch up their lives in order to integrate their lives, families and familial customs with the new person.

 

Shaky ground already without the added resentment of him spending time with his family away from you.

[frus69]

"I have to do this for my family but can you PLEASE come over to Europe for a while as I would love to spend some time WITH YOU." --this is such a woman way to say things. OP's BF is not a woman, he doesn't read women's mind.

 

 

I don't agree that because OP's BF didn't say those words, he isn't putting effort/committed. That is a big premature conclusion. Guys have no clue what we want to hear. You cant expect them to say the exact same sweet words we want them to say.

 

 

OP knows the best whether or not he treats her right. I think he's doing pretty alright anyway