Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I agree and would like to do that. He leaves Dec 15 so we have 15 days. It's his whole demeanor, "it sucks but can't do anything about it so deal with it" that's putting me off. His attitude is hurtful I agree. A sensitive man would have said I am sorry honey I know it's a long time I will miss you to but when I come back ...... You are discovering who he is through it all. Was he dismissive of your feelings before this? 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 His attitude is hurtful I agree. A sensitive man would have said I am sorry honey I know it's a long time I will miss you to but when I come back ...... You are discovering who he is through it all. Was he dismissive of your feelings before this? He's never been sensitive but we've also never been apart for that long / ie his being non sensitive has not been a problem until now so I guess I'm discovering this now unfortunately! 1
Redhead14 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Relax. The holidays are high pressure/high anxiety for most people anyway. Don't let it overshadow and affect your ability to be objective and forward-thinking. You're the longest relationship he's had, you've met his family, you spent Thanksgiving together and with his family, this family trip was planned a while ago, you have a trip to Japan planned. Keep things in perspective and go with what you know and not make it about the Holidays and anxiety. It's about the two of you and whether or not there is a long-term future for you both. All this stuff right here is happening at a time when so many emotions are swirling around. The holidays make people feel various emotions for various reasons that don't have anything to do with the here and now usually. You don't want to be alone for Christmas and NYE -- he didn't plan this trip to avoid spending it with you. If you're not spending these holidays with family, collect blankets for the homeless, shop for groceries for a food kitchen. Visit a shut-in neighbor. Call a friend you haven't spoken to in a long time.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 The opposite side to the argument to why should she have so many expectations after only 6 months of dating and having just hosted a 30 man Thanksgiving dinner for both families, she should stop being so demanding and acting like a spoiled child is: Why are so many people willing to settle for so little in order to not rock the boat because it is too soon and you will "look desperate"? Did her man stop to think about what a selfish inconsiderate a-hole he looks like when he told her: we're not married so he should be able to join his family by himself and I can't complain. Like I said earlier, if you are progressing and spending holidays together and families have met and you've already taken trips together, there is absolutely no reason why he couldn't think to include her in his xmas holidays in some capacity. He simply didn't and on top of it practically told her to suck it up, we ain't married after all. It's only been 6 months" is a ridiculous excuse. If it's only bee 6 months, what the heck are you doing hosting a 30man dinner for both families at Thanksgiving? The assumption after something like is: this is getting pretty serious. To now use the "it's only been 6 months excuse" is back peddling for something else. He simply does't want to spend xmas with her. If he were not going away but decided he did not wan to see her throughout the holidays at all would people have the same reaction and still be saying "he doesn't have to it's only been 6 months?' That's would be one for the vault for me. We'll see what other things I have to suck and put up with "because we aren't married" 1
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 He's never been sensitive but we've also never been apart for that long / ie his being non sensitive has not been a problem until now so I guess I'm discovering this now unfortunately! Maybe he was insensitive because you were insisting too much. He did quality you as annoying. I imagine it's because you would not let it go. We can't always get what we want in our relationship, I have learn that recently. It hurts at first, then you get used to the idea you're not gonna get what you wish, then you realize it's not such a big deal and life goes on. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Heck! A lot of people's families don't meet until after the engagement. That alone says this is a pretty unorthodox approach to this relationship.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Maybe he was insensitive because you were insisting too much. He did quality you as annoying. I imagine it's because you would not let it go. That's true I thought of that too! In which case you shouldn't have insisted anything at all just take note of his decision. But you do have a right to feel hurt by his actions of exclusion.
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 If it's only bee 6 months, what the heck are you doing hosting a 30man dinner for both families at Thanksgiving? I would have never hosted a dinner of 30 at 6 months dating. I don't think she was hosting though, I think she said she was helping just like we all help when we are invited somewhere.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 That's would be one for the vault for me. We'll see what other things I have to suck and put up with "because we aren't married" :lmao: I meant to "suck up" and put up with. (although I almost like my first response better)
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 (edited) I would have never hosted a dinner of 30 at 6 months dating. I don't think she was hosting though, I think she said she was helping just like we all help when we are invited somewhere. Oh I thought she said she cooked for all those people so I assumed she hosted. Still I wouldn't be having both our families meeting at 6 months...either but that is just me. My commitment expectations would definitely be raised after that. I also cooked half of the Thanksgiving dinner for 30 of his relatives. That was not easy. And then I had to wash all the dishes bc they were older, guests and I didn't want my potential mother in law to lift a finger. 30 people is a lot to cook and clean for --- I don't think I'm THAT bad of gf. Edited November 29, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 I would have never hosted a dinner of 30 at 6 months dating. I don't think she was hosting though, I think she said she was helping just like we all help when we are invited somewhere. Their family insisted on meeting my family. My family didn't want to. I didn't want to either, in fact it made me uncomfortable. But in our culture, if his parents asked, I had to carry that message to my parents, and my parents obliged. Also, he asked me to cook for Thanksgiving bc I am a good cook. I was not hosting -- I was just cooking and cleaning with his mom for 30 people.
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 That's true I thought of that too! In which case you shouldn't have insisted anything at all just take note of his decision. But you do have a right to feel hurt by his actions of exclusion. I didn't insist on anything at all. Not sure why people are assuming I am. I expressed disappointment and that is all. Never demanded or asked for anything!
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Their family insisted on meeting my family. My family didn't want to. I didn't want to either, in fact it made me uncomfortable. But in our culture, if his parents asked, I had to carry that message to my parents, and my parents obliged. Also, he asked me to cook for Thanksgiving bc I am a good cook. I was not hosting -- I was just cooking and cleaning with his mom for 30 people. Are you Chinese? You know your culture more than I do but I am working with a couple of Chinese ladies and their in-laws are all from hell. It seems the man's parents have power of life or death on their daughter-in-law. Could it be that it's the family that refused to have you on that trip, and not your boyfriend? 1
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Are you Chinese? You know your culture more than I do but I am working with a couple of Chinese ladies and their in-laws are all from hell. It seems the man's parents have power of life or death on their daughter-in-law. Could it be that it's the family that refused to have you on that trip, and not your boyfriend? And add to that if your boyfriend is very family oriented than he must be more traditional than you? For sure! Asking you to cook for 30 people, I cannot imagine any boyfriend asking this to their 6 months girlfriend. I just can't. I would have told him to get himself a caterer.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 (edited) I didn't insist on anything at all. Not sure why people are assuming I am. I expressed disappointment and that is all. Never demanded or asked for anything! Im sorry I'm not saying "you did" I was saying if you did... So going on the assumption that if you did then that would excuse his tone in saying "that's the way it is and you aren't coming until we are married and you can't complain" because otherwise that is pretty insensitive of him. Are you Chinese? You know your culture more than I do but I am working with a couple of Chinese ladies and their in-laws are all from hell. It seems the man's parents have power of life or death on their daughter-in-law. Could it be that it's the family that refused to have you on that trip, and not your boyfriend? Aha! breakthrough. If they are traditional then that could very well be it. Edited November 29, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Im sorry I'm not saying "you did" I was saying if you did... So going on the assumption that if you did then that would excuse his tone in saying "that's the way it is and you aren't coming until we are married and you can't complain" because otherwise that is pretty insensitive of him. Aha! breakthrough. If they are traditional then that could very well be it. Yes am Chinese and his family is way more traditional than mine!
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Yes am Chinese and his family is way more traditional than mine! You've got your answer. 1
Els Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Also, he asked me to cook for Thanksgiving bc I am a good cook. I was not hosting -- I was just cooking and cleaning with his mom for 30 people. You should have said 'no', IMO. It does strike me as disrespectful that he would ask such a thing of you at only 6 months of dating, and yet not invite you to Christmas with his family 'because you're not married'. He can't expect his 6-month gf to act like a very traditional wife in one case, and then treat her like a casual date in another, picking and choosing at his whim. You should also not be allowing him to do so. On the other thing, if he hadn't asked such a ludicrous thing of you, I'd say that him wanting to spend time with his family alone at 6 months dating is perfectly normal. 1
BaileyB Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I don't think it's odd. The trip has been planned with his family, I'd just wish him a good trip. You've only been dating for six months. You've taken really good and important steps in one six months, but it has still only been six months... If you had been together six years and he wanted to travel without you for the holiday,nth at would be different. Just give him a break this time...
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 You should have said 'no', IMO. It does strike me as disrespectful that he would ask such a thing of you at only 6 months of dating, and yet not invite you to Christmas with his family 'because you're not married'. He can't expect his 6-month gf to act like a very traditional wife in one case, and then treat her like a casual date in another, picking and choosing at his whim. You should also not be allowing him to do so. On the other thing, if he hadn't asked such a ludicrous thing of you, I'd say that him wanting to spend time with his family alone at 6 months dating is perfectly normal. Those are my thoughts exactly. Had Thanksgiving not happened as it did in this case, I'd have no issue with it either. To me it's taking a step back now and seems rather unfair to expect one thing in one scenario but the opposite in the other. Strikes me more as a male dominance thing. Which might be cultural so can't speak to that. 2
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I don't think it's odd. The trip has been planned with his family, I'd just wish him a good trip. You've only been dating for six months. You've taken really good and important steps in one six months, but it has still only been six months... If you had been together six years and he wanted to travel without you for the holiday,nth at would be different. Just give him a break this time... Well he already said this is happening until we are married. So it could pretty well be years until they spend x-mas holidays together.
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Those are my thoughts exactly. Had Thanksgiving not happened as it did in this case, I'd have no issue with it either. To me it's taking a step back now and seems rather unfair to expect one thing in one scenario but the opposite in the other. Strikes me more as a male dominance thing. Which might be cultural so can't speak to that. I find it appalling he asked her to lock herself in his mother's kitchen to cook for 30 people as if she was cheap labor. A dinner she was not even invited to join in. It almost sounds like a test to me. A family that can afford to travel 3 weeks around Europe during holidays can afford to hire caterers. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Ya Gaeta there are definitely some deep cultural differences and expectations happening here, you called it right when you brought up the whole Chinese customs thing. Our opinions are sort of irrelevant then because we are offering advice on how we conduct modern relationships but this is something else. It's going to be up to the OP, seeing as she has a more modern view on relationships, how she will handle his ultra-traditional views. I don't even want to cook for 30 people after marriage LOL ;-) 1
Els Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 To me it's taking a step back now and seems rather unfair to expect one thing in one scenario but the opposite in the other. Strikes me more as a male dominance thing. Which might be cultural so can't speak to that. I have lots of Chinese female friends. None of them would do such a thing at 6 months, nor would their bfs ask it of them at 6 months. The more traditional ones do help the MIL to cook for social gatherings, but only when they are in marriages or VLTRs. Ergo at the point where the partner would be expected to invite them to spend special occasions with the family (and also expected to financially support them, not necessarily relevant to the OP, but just pointing out that the 'traditional culture' goes both ways). 1
elaine567 Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 Yes am Chinese and his family is way more traditional than mine! Be very wary then. Are you prepared to adopt very traditional ways? As that is your destiny if you want to stay with this man. NO point in assuming that you will change him to your less traditional ways as that is not often how these things work. The traditional wins out, especially where men are involved as they carry the family traditions and often make sure they are observed onto the next generation. See how he dismissed your concerns here, he told you to stop complaining, I guess that is how he will deal with any attempts to modify "tradition". It may explain his dating history, his exes were not prepared to bow down to "tradition", so he dumped them or they dumped him. 2
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