Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Because he just spent 2 weeks with them for Thanksgiving, I hardly saw him, and now is leaving for 3 weeks again for Christmas/Xmas. I am not offended, I am disappointed that we aren't spending that much time together esp for the holidays, a time I am used to spending with boyfriends, and it doesn't seem like he cares about it the same way I do, that I want to spend part of my holidays with him. I am not demanding ANYTHING, but it would be nice if he cared a little and showed me he wants to spend it with me to (even if he can't!) I would see it this way too. Like I said earlier, this would be eye-opener for me. I would definitely let this one go if I were you because he simply hasn't taken the initiative to include you in any way on his own volition. But what I would do is just take this into account going forward because he is showing you another side of him that could either be: a) totally circumstantial and brought on by the fact the trip was pre-planned and nothing he could to about it at this point b) have selfish tendencies and be the type to put his needs first and not willing to compromise It could go either way. If my boyfriend ever said to me "you cannot join our family trips until we are engaged and you are an official part of the family" I would say great! I don't host holiday dinners or attend/include you in family holidays until you are part of the family either. (obviously I am being facetious, I simply wouldn't stick around for a relationship like this considering we are not living our relationship out in an ultra-traditional way) That's way too formal and conservative for the type of modern relationship I'd be living and would speak to our fundamental incompatibility.
eightytwenty Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 36 is alittle old to not have a least a few long relationships... But I'm sorry you are going over board and sounding a bit spoiled... 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 What? So because she was invited to Thanksgiving, it means she's only important enough for Thanksgiving? And since she's not invited to ONE Xmas/NYE, it must mean she's not important enough for Xmas and NYE? Seriously? Are you implying not inviting a 6-months GF to Xmas/NYE is being abusive/selfish/inconsiderate? I think if it were me, knowing my SO was ALONE for the holidays, not inviting him would be inconsiderate no matter what. I would move logistics and talk to my family and see if we can accommodate. But that is ME. Not him or anyone else.
mortensorchid Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Maybe he had planned to be away long before he met you, or just decided to go on the trip recently. Whatever the case may be, let it slide. In the grand scheme of things it's not that bad. You've only known each other 6 months and that's not a VERY long time. If it's next year, you're still together, then maybe he could extend the invite your way. Besides, do you want to spend a trip with his whole family? It's a high pressure situation for both you and him.
Redhead14 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 He's never included any gfs in his family trips - with the last two gfs they all broke up before Christmas. I'm also his most serious relationship -- the last few relationships he's had were all very short term and their families didn't meet. Don't rock this boat You've met his family at least, yes? Take baby steps for now. Do something nice for yourself while he is gone so that you have something to tell him about when he gets back. Come up with a plan for what to do for your own celebration with him and make it special. Think of some things he's said he's wanted or wanted to do and see if you can incorporate it. That will be a fun thing to think about while he's gone.
eightytwenty Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I think if it were me, knowing my SO was ALONE for the holidays, not inviting him would be inconsiderate no matter what. I would move logistics and talk to my family and see if we can accommodate. But that is ME. Not him or anyone else. DIFFERENCE is that he has a planned overseas vacation with family.. Holy cow girl... 2
elaine567 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I am trying really hard to understand why at 6 months you feel so offended he is going away with family. It is because this relationship escalated into what seemed like "serious", spending 4 out of 5 nights together, meeting the parents and the family, cooking Thanksgiving dinner, trips away and now it is taking big backward steps. When he is with his family she is irrelevant and that no doubt hurts. He is 36 not 16. He is an adult, not a child. Abandoning his gf for all of the 10 days whist his family was visiting and now a 3 week trip at the festive season is just too much. She appears to be of low or of no priority to him, that is why she is offended. 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 DIFFERENCE is that he has a planned overseas vacation with family.. Holy cow girl... Yes, I know. What difference does it make where the trip is? If he's alone for the holidays I'm just inviting, it's up to him if he wants to come with the distance and all. It's simply a considerate gesture to show someone you care about them.
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Yep, I know. It is red flag to me as well. But to answer your question - nope, no marriage or other long term relationship besides me. I do get the sense that he really wants to make it work with me and he wants to settle down. Well....this combined with the comment he gave you 'deal with it' gives me a couple of clues as to why he is unsuccessful relationship wise. So back at the current situation. I really want you to understand that 6 months dating is not long. This relationship could end right after the holidays for all you know so don't go around spending thousands of dollars to spend a couple of days with him. Spend your money on a man that has proven his love to you and is there for the long run. Have you exchanged ILY?
Redhead14 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 DIFFERENCE is that he has a planned overseas vacation with family.. Holy cow girl... Yes, this plan didn't happen overnight . . . it's not like he planned it while he was dating her or if he did, it was in the very early stages, in which case, he definitely would not include her. 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 What? So because she was invited to Thanksgiving, it means she's only important enough for Thanksgiving? And since she's not invited to ONE Xmas/NYE, it must mean she's not important enough for Xmas and NYE? Seriously? Well yes. That is exactly what it means. If the relationship is progressing along, the natural next step would be to celebrate xmas holidays together if both families have spend TG together. If he wasn't going on a trip would he now say "well we only have known each other for 6 months we should wait to celebrate xmas" no, likely not. Are you implying not inviting a 6-months GF to Xmas/NYE is being abusive/selfish/inconsiderate? No I am not implying that at all. I am saying that there are other drivers that measure a person's character in a relationship other than possibility of infidelity. Being a cheater isn't the only negative destructive trait a person can have. There are many others. You are using "well at least he won't cheat: (which you totally don't know either way) as a driver for accepting other perceived bad behaviour. that was my point. 1
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I think if it were me, knowing my SO was ALONE for the holidays, not inviting him would be inconsiderate no matter what. I would move logistics and talk to my family and see if we can accommodate. But that is ME. Not him or anyone else. Or he could offer to make it up to you after the holidays? It doesn't have to be the holiday period? Did you guys have a good talk about this? Is it good enough for you?
eightytwenty Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Yes, I know. What difference does it make where the trip is? If he's alone for the holidays I'm just inviting, it's up to him if he wants to come with the distance and all. It's simply a considerate gesture to show someone you care about them. Negative. If he was going a couple hours away to spend a couple nights at families yes I bet he would of invited you. Overseas? That's for one is a lot of money!! That's should be a dang good reason for most people, you, lol. 1
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Well yes. That is exactly what it means. If the relationship is progressing along, the natural next step would be to celebrate xmas holidays together if both families have spend TG together. . If one is in a progressing relationship, one has to be invited to XMAS, no exception. It sounds ridicules. You are using "well at least he won't cheat: (which you totally don't know either way) as a driver for accepting other perceived bad behaviour. . So what are the a bad behavior/ negative destructive trait you are implying here then? Not inviting her to XMAS? Oh man, it sounds beyond ridiculous.
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Or he could offer to make it up to you after the holidays? It doesn't have to be the holiday period? Did you guys have a good talk about this? Is it good enough for you? He didn't offer that and if he did I would be very happy.
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 He didn't offer that and if he did I would be very happy. Did you bring in up? Express your feelings (in a nice way) that you want to spend more time with him cuz he's been busy with family for a long time? Guys can be oblivious. If you did and he refused , it will be a problem. Otherwise, maybe he will surprise you
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 If one is in a progressing relationship, one has to be invited to XMAS, no exception. It sounds ridicules. I respect that to you it sounds ridiculous, but to some of the rest of the word that is what "progression" is -building to get to the next level. If you are starting to spend significant holidays together then it's natural you would expect to also somehow be taken into consideration for up-coming holidays. I would believe most people operate that way. It's no different than celebrating your first birthdays together and "expecting" to do the same the following year. You don't stop celebrating birthdays because "we already did it last time so that should satisfy any on-going expectations." So what are the a bad behavior/ negative destructive trait you are implying here then? Not inviting her to XMAS? Oh man, it sounds beyond ridiculous. Im not implying anything here. I think your line of questioning is stemming from the fact that you either misunderstood my original comment, which I have already explained, or you are set on finding a deeper meaning. There is not other meaning or implication. The bottom line is to say "well be happy he is a family man and won't cheat" is mixing apples and oranges.
frus69 Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I respect that to you it sounds ridiculous, but to some of the rest of the word that is what "progression" is -building to get to the next level. If you are starting to spend significant holidays together then it's natural you would expect to also somehow be taken into consideration for up-coming holidays. I would believe most people operate that way. It's no different than celebrating your first birthdays together and "expecting" to do the same the following year. You don't stop celebrating birthdays because "we already did it last time so that should satisfy any on-going expectations." . Well I'm not sure most people operate that way because most people here think OP should chill. Sure, you expect to spend XMAS after you already spend Thanksgiving. But under unique circumstances, it doesn't happen and you also should allow it, understand it, not over analyse it. 1
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 I respect that to you it sounds ridiculous, but to some of the rest of the word that is what "progression" is -building to get to the next level. If you are starting to spend significant holidays together then it's natural you would expect to also somehow be taken into consideration for up-coming holidays. I would believe most people operate that way. Yes it's usually normal progression under normal circumstances but In this case here there is an event taking him away on another continent. If he had been staying in town and celebrate Xmas the traditional way she probably would have been invited, just like she was invited at Thanks Giving. So he cannot be there at Xmas and NYE, she is not 12, she can wait for her boyfriend to come back. She has family and friends. Another point. This relationship is only 6 months old. * The way he handled her at Thanks Giving * The way he's handling her at Xmas and NYE 'deal with it' * The way he doesn't make plans for after the holidays * This 6 months relationship is his longest age of 36 * Their important differences in handling family All this indicates heavy chances this relationship won't survive to see Valentines Day. 1
Formerfiveo Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 You've only been dating 6 months! SMH Why the emphasis on spending holidays together so soon?? He invited you to spend Thanksgiving with his family. Give him a break and let him enjoy his pre-planned family vacation with his FAMILY. 2
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Yes it's usually normal progression under normal circumstances but In this case here there is an event taking him away on another continent. If he had been staying in town and celebrate Xmas the traditional way she probably would have been invited, just like she was invited at Thanks Giving. So he cannot be there at Xmas and NYE, she is not 12, she can wait for her boyfriend to come back. She has family and friends. Another point. This relationship is only 6 months old. * The way he handled her at Thanks Giving * The way he's handling her at Xmas and NYE 'deal with it' * The way he doesn't make plans for after the holidays * This 6 months relationship is his longest age of 36 * Their important differences in handling family All this indicates heavy chances this relationship won't survive to see Valentines Day. We do have plans for March (have a trip in Japan). Not sure if that changes any. What do you see problematic in how he handled things during Thanksgiving?
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 We do have plans for March (have a trip in Japan). Not sure if that changes any. What do you see problematic in how he handled things during Thanksgiving? Didn't you say you didn't see him for like 10 days because he had family over? Did you 2 exchanged I love yous?
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 Didn't you say you didn't see him for like 10 days because he had family over? Did you 2 exchanged I love yous? Yes, he tells me that every day. And for Thanksgiving, sorry I am miscommunicating - I saw him quite a bit but most of the time was spent with his family and mine, so we never had any "quality time" together. It was more so me cooking, cleaning, taking care of his family while he was off playing with the kids or something like that. One night his family and my family had dinner together, that was during Thanksgiving visit. When I said I didn't see him for 10 days I meant, it wasn't us ALONE. When he's with his family he's very occupied and hardly pays attention or time to me (understandably, am not complaining here).
Gaeta Posted November 29, 2016 Posted November 29, 2016 You still have a whole month before he leaves on that holiday. That is a lot of time to spend quality time together, organize a private xmas between you and him, exchange gifts, etc. It would be a shame you use all this time to feel resentment toward him instead of using it to get closer. 1
Author astarrynight2016 Posted November 29, 2016 Author Posted November 29, 2016 You still have a whole month before he leaves on that holiday. That is a lot of time to spend quality time together, organize a private xmas between you and him, exchange gifts, etc. It would be a shame you use all this time to feel resentment toward him instead of using it to get closer. I agree and would like to do that. He leaves Dec 15 so we have 15 days. It's his whole demeanor, "it sucks but can't do anything about it so deal with it" that's putting me off.
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